Who Are You Meant to Be? (39 page)

Practice:
List a few situations in which you are currently blaming others for the way you are feeling. Try to identify why you are reacting the way you are.

Learn from your experiences:
Even though we get stuck in patterns of behavior that result in making similar mistakes, we have the capacity to learn from our experiences to avoid doing this. If we are operating from our SP System, we are more likely to repeat mistakes, as stress has a negative impact on our ability to learn. If you get upset at yourself for repeating a pattern, you are more likely to repeat it again, especially if you don’t identify a new behavior to replace the unwanted one. It’s of greater benefit to write down your pattern, what you have learned from the experience, and what you will do differently in the future, instead of lamenting the fact that you’re human and make mistakes.

Practice:
Write down one to two key patterns along with a recent example of each pattern at work in your life. Record what you learned from the experience and what you will do differently the next time.

Practice mindfulness:
Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to your immediate experience and to develop the capacity to focus attention where you want it to go. It enhances the experience of being in your life, alerting you to when your thoughts are in the past or the future. The practice of mindfulness keeps you in touch with what you are experiencing and helps you recognize and accept your emotions without reacting to them or judging them. It helps you recognize automatic negative thinking patterns so that you can refocus your attention where you want it to be.

Practicing mindfulness on a daily basis is one of the most profound things you can do to support your development. In fact, research institutions, including UCLA, have conducted studies showing that mindfulness meditation changes the brain itself, laying the foundation for new patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that lead to greater self-awareness and the ability to notice your thoughts and feelings instead of getting tangled up in them. The practice of mindfulness allows us to observe, manage, and direct our attention, choosing self-actualizing behaviors over self-protective ones.

There is more right with you than wrong with you.

—Jon Kabat-Zinn

Practice:
Think about one or two recent occasions on which you found yourself reacting negatively to a situation or person. How did you react? What did you tell yourself about the situation or person (what assumptions did you make)? What were you feeling at the time? What thoughts did you think in response to those feelings? How did your reaction affect the situation or the relationship? How would you respond differently if you had the chance to do it over again?

Harness your emotions:
This involves knowing what you are feeling and using your rational brain to decide how you will behave. It lets you be conscious of when you are rationalizing feelings or keeping them to yourself because you are afraid of what might happen when you share them. It shifts you from putting your energy into controlling or ignoring your needs and emotions to understanding what causes your feelings and finding ways to handle fears and anxieties, anger and sadness. You also learn to tolerate your feelings so they are expressed in appropriate ways.