Wholehearted (22 page)

“Fuck.”

Mack sighed and sunk into the chair behind his desk. “Take the rest of the day off, go home, talk to Lucas. Maybe it won’t be as bad as you think. Maybe he’s changed his mind. It seems like a lot of things have changed in two weeks. Maybe how he feels about this whole thing is one of them.”

“Maybe,” Declan muttered, knowing in his heart that it probably wasn’t true.

“Call me later if you want. Let me know what happens.”

“Thanks, Mack. And sorry… you know, about trying to hide the information from you.”

“I’m not going to tell you I’m not royally pissed. But I understand it. I would do anything, if I thought it would protect Oliver. You were doing the same, you just went about it wrong, that’s all.”

“I hope Lucas is as understanding as you are.”

“Me too.”

W
HEN
D
ECLAN
arrived at home, he parked the car and sat staring through the windshield, but he couldn’t seem to force his eyes to focus. He knew this wouldn’t be good. He had never liked watching horror movies, because the characters always went into the haunted house, even though they knew no good could come of it.

This was a little like that. He felt like he was walking into the end of the happiness he had finally found with Lucas. Declan was being selfish and didn’t want to give up what he wanted so badly. He was being a coward. Lucas deserved to know what he had done.

As he unbuckled his seatbelt, he winced as it smacked against the door, the sound too loud in the confined space. He forced himself to get out of the car and walk to the front door, pushing it open easily. He forced himself to walk into the living room and stand in front of Lucas, whose face lit up the moment he saw Declan. He forced himself to pretend nothing was wrong and pulled Lucas into his arms to kiss him until neither of them could breathe.

He sat down on the coffee table, facing the man he loved. He took Lucas’s hands in his and exhaled slowly, trying to find the strength he would need to tell the one person he cared about more than anything in the world that he had betrayed him.

Lucas stared at him, his eyebrows pushed together in a concerned expression. “Declan, say something. You’re starting to scare me,” Lucas begged.

“I fucked up, Luc,” Declan admitted after a long pause.

“Okay… I’m going to need more than that. Did you fuck up at work?”

Declan nodded. He felt like a little boy confessing schoolyard sins to his father.

“Did you shoot someone?”

“No.”

“Falsely imprison someone?”

“No.”

“Then it can’t be all that bad, can it? What did you do?”

He dropped to the floor in front of Lucas, burying his head in his lap. “I’m so sorry, Luc. I didn’t mean to, but I had to and it’s my job.”

Declan lifted his head to see understanding begin to break across Lucas’s face. “What did you do, Declan?” he asked again, this time his voice laced with ice.

Once he opened his mouth, the words came streaming out in a mad rush. He couldn’t stop them. They fell out one after another until there were no words left. “I was trying to help. I wanted to protect you. I looked up the names of the people you told me about. I made a couple of phone calls. I found them, and I wanted to rip them apart for what they had done to you, but I didn’t. I left it. I printed the information and erased the evidence that I had gone looking in the first place. I just wanted to know who these people were that hurt you so badly.

“I wanted to know who to look out for in case I ever ran into them on the street. I wanted to kill them. I put it all in a file and hid the file in the bottom of my desk. I thought it was safe there, I didn’t think anyone would see. I thought that I would find closure, and that someday you might want the same thing, and then I could give that to you. I wanted to make things right after what had happened to you. I love you so much, and I just wanted to make it right.”

“But it wasn’t safe, was it?” Lucas just stared at him, his eyes cold. “
Was it
?” he screamed.

Declan shook his head. “No.”

“What happened? What the fuck happened, Declan?”

“Mack found the file. Pushed through the arrest warrants. All but one of the suspects are in jail awaiting arraignment. I’ll have to testify. You may be subpoenaed.”

“You can’t undo this?”

“I wish I could.”

“So you lied to me,” Lucas spat. “You held me in your arms and told me everything would be okay. You promised that if I told you, you would keep my secrets. You lied to me.”

Lucas stood and walked calmly from the room. Declan wanted to follow him, but couldn’t make himself move. He waited, like a man on death row waits for the glide of the plunger from the syringe. He knew in his heart that he had broken what they had and had no one to blame but himself.

He watched as Lucas walked across the home they had planned to share, his duffel bag slung over one shoulder.

“You’re leaving?” Declan asked weakly.

“You think I would stay here? You’re fucking insane. Good-bye, Declan.”

“Wait!”

Declan rose from the carpet and tried to follow after Lucas.

“Where are you going to go?”

“That’s none of your fucking business anymore.”

“Lucas, please,” he begged.

“Please what, Declan? What the fuck do you want? Don’t you think you’ve done enough?”

“Please, Lucas. Please, just stay. We can talk about this.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. Fuck you, Declan. You fucking broke this, not me, so don’t look at me like I’m the one that’s destroyed everything we had. You did that. You did that when you lied.”

“I didn’t….”

“Didn’t what? Lie? Fuck you. You knew when you told me you didn’t have to report it that that was a lie. You knew you were too good a cop to break the rules like that.” Lucas’s voice softened. “That’s one of the things I loved about you. That you would do what was right without question.”

Declan bristled at the past tense of the word
love
.

“But you took advantage of me. You didn’t explain the rules to me, Declan. You promised, and then you turned right around and did something completely different. You may have found me beat to shit, but I’m not going to let you do that to me.”

“Please, at least tell me where you’re going.”

“Not a fucking chance.”

Declan didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say. He wasn’t going to be able to change Lucas’s mind. He knew that. He watched the only man he’d ever truly loved walk down the driveway and out of his life, then he headed back inside and crawled into bed. He didn’t want to be awake any longer. His chest hurt and his head ached. A hundred days in Austin wouldn’t have felt this horrible. He almost wished away the last two weeks: to erase the memory of Lucas and to erase the way he was feeling now

D
ECLAN
AWOKE
later to the sound of the phone ringing in the distance. He couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed to pick it up. He felt like he weighed six thousand pounds, stuck to the bed, where he was surrounded in Lucas’s smell. The ringing stopped briefly and started again. Fucking phone.

His mind cleared, and he realized that it could be Lucas calling. He stumbled from bed and ran to the kitchen, trying to make it there before it stopped ringing.

“Hello?” he panted, his voice sounding rough and gravelly.

“Declan, it’s Mack. Are you okay?”

Declan gave a pathetic little laugh. The noise turning into a cough. “I’ve been better, but unfortunately I’ll probably survive.

“Lucas was here.”

“Oh.” The sound of his lover’s name smacked into him like a wrecking ball. He had no idea it would hurt this bad.

“He wanted the details about the trial.”

“Did you give them to him?”

“As much as I could, yes.”

“Did he tell you where he’s going?”

“Yes.”

“Are you going to tell me?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because Lucas needs someone that he can trust. He’s feeling betrayed and broken right now. I know you’re hurting too, but he needs someone looking out for him.”

Declan was hurt and relieved all at once. If there was anyone he would want looking out for Lucas, it would be Mack. “Can you at least tell me that he’s okay?”

“He’s fine. At least physically. I figure you two are pretty much in the same state right about now. It’s obvious he loves you, Declan. Just give it time.”

“I don’t want to give it time, Mack. I miss him. I want him back. I want to know how to fix this.”

“Some things just need a little time and space to mend themselves. I think this might be one of those things.”

“Fuck that, Mack. I don’t want to be without him. How the fuck would you feel if you were in my place and it was Oliver that had walked out on you?”

“He did, remember?”

“Do
you
remember? You were seriously fucked up for months. I’ll never understand why you didn’t go right after him. Fuck giving Lucas time and space. Tell me where he is.”

“No. I gave him my word that I wouldn’t tell you, and Lucas doesn’t need two broken promises in one day.”

That shut Declan up.

“Come on, Declan. You know that he just needs some time.”

“How bad is it Mack? Is he going to forgive me?”

“I dunno, Declan. I know how much you care about him. I know you, and you’re a good man. I know you wouldn’t have done this to hurt him. Whatever decision you made, you did it with the best intentions.

“I’m also sorry for the hand I had in this. I know you love him, and the reason he’s upset has a lot to do with me, but I couldn’t let your judgment be clouded by your feelings for him. I know hiding the information would have made him feel more secure, but it wasn’t the right thing to do. You never should have promised him that you would keep the information a secret. You are a cop, and a fucking good one. If I didn’t truly believe that, I wouldn’t have taken a chance on you.”

Declan let Mack’s words wash over him, letting the confident tone and positive words sink into his skin like a balm. They did nothing to dull the aching in his chest, but it helped to know that there was someone who understood. He didn’t say anything, just kept listening.

“Lucas may be upset now, but could you have lived with yourself for breaking the law, even if it was for him?”

“I don’t know, Mack. My head is reeling right now and all I can think about is getting him back. At this point, I don’t want to tell you what I would do to be with him.”

“It fucking sucks. I know how you’re feeling more than probably anyone else in the world, but would sacrificing your convictions make you the man he deserves? I want you to think about that. You need to be able to look yourself in the eye if you are going to ask him to look past this. Stand by your principles, and give him some time to think about it.”

“What if he can never forgive me?”

“Don’t think about that for now. Take the next few days as they come. I’ll make sure Lucas is taken care of. Where he’s going to go and who’s taking care of him will be one less thing you need to worry about.”

“Thanks, Mack. I hate you for not telling me where he is, but I understand it. I don’t think I would have the willpower to stay away from him if I knew.”

“I know. Take care of yourself, Declan, and I’ll see you in a few days.”

Declan hung up the phone and flopped back down on the bed. He knew Mack was right, that compromising his ethics would make him a man not worthy of Lucas, but those ethics meant that he had hurt the person he loved. Why did life have to be so fucking complicated?

He burrowed under the blankets, wrapping them around himself and closing his eyes. They felt puffy and swollen from crying. His whole head felt like it was wrapped in bubble wrap.

Soon, he fell asleep.

D
ECLAN
WOKE
the next morning to the sun streaming in through the blinds. The brightness was abrasively cheerful, and he squinted against the light. He rolled over and glanced at the clock through squinted eyelids. It was later than he normally slept, but he felt like he could sleep for the rest of the day if he let himself.