Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? (10 page)

I remember one time a platonic friend of mine that I had known for a while asked me to fly to Jamaica with him for the weekend. I needed to think about his question for a minute and told him that I would call him back. When I called him back, I asked him if we were going to have separate rooms. He paused for a moment and said, “Well, I didn’t really think about that, but honestly, I can’t see going to Jamaica with you and you sleeping in another room.” I made it clear I didn’t want to lose our friendship by becoming intimate. Because I expressed that we would have to have separate rooms, and he was honest about his intentions, we both agreed that Jamaica was probably not a good spot for platonic friends to go hang out. The more up front and honest you and your friends or potential partners are with each other, the faster the relationship will progress in the right direction.

Recently we interviewed a couple that had been married for eleven years. I asked the husband how he knew she was the one. The wife started laughing and said, “Tell her how you went from six girlfriends to one.” He told us that his wife’s standards were so high, that slowly, the other girls began to fall off because he couldn’t afford her and everyone else. She ended up being the last woman standing and won the prize. Setting your standards and sticking to them will help you reach your relationship goals. It is also important to have an idea of how long you want to wait before you have sex when your dream man comes along and try to stick to it. Steve Harvey says wait ninety days. I can’t say that there is a magic number, but make him wait. I know people who had sex the first night they met and decided to get married shortly thereafter. On the other hand, I also have a friend who had sex with another friend of mine on the first date, and the next night I watched him not even acknowledge her presence while we were at the restaurant. She sent him a text while we were all eating dinner, and he looked at his phone and put it away. He wouldn’t even give her eye contact. It was the saddest, most disrespectful thing that I had ever seen. In short, refrain from having sex too early, and never go on a first date where there’s a bed.

The Questions You Should Ask

You must ask questions, and lots of them. Steve Harvey’s book lists five questions that all women should ask a man: (1) What are your long-term goals? (2) What are your short-term goals? (3) What are your views on relationships? (4) What do you think about me? (5) How do you feel about me? Mr. Harvey also advises, “There’s no need to delay asking these questions—ask them right away, as soon as you think you might be remotely attracted to a man you’ve met” (p. 133).

With all due respect to Mr. Harvey, the first three questions are good, but the last two questions may not be realistic. Most women know how hard it is to get a man to be honest with them on the first date about something as simple as his marital status. So what are the odds of a man giving us an honest assessment (other than traditional complimentary things) of how he feels or thinks about us early on (or later on for that matter)? To test this out, we asked several men,while on a staged date, “What do you think about me?” and “What do you feel about me?” Here’s what we found:

Shanae: “What do you think about me?”

Guy 1: “I think you are beautiful and you have a great body, and nice teeth.”

Shanae:
[So, you really want to know if I’m good in bed?]
“How do you feel about me?”

Guy 1: [With a confused look on his face] “What do you mean?”

Shanae: “How do you feel about me?”

Guy 1: “Well, that’s why we’re here, so I can get to know you better. I really don’t know enough about you to answer that.”

I also asked a few of my male friends how they would respond if a girl asked them those questions. They all said they would tell her what they thought she wanted to hear. To further illustrate this point:

My friend Curtis and I were driving to the mall one day when he received a call from a girl “he liked.” And I heard him lying to her about his relationship status and several other personal questions that she asked. When he got off the phone, I asked him, “Why did you lie to her?” He said that he never tells girls the truth, because if he did, they wouldn’t let him
hit it
. “Girls need to think that they are the only one.” He said, “I tell
you
the truth because I know that we’re never going to have sex. But the other girls get exactly what they want to hear.”

Our conclusion: Questions only work IF MEN ARE HONEST.

However, I do agree that we have to ask more questions, and that we should only ask the questions that are going to propel our relationships in a healthy direction.

All of the men we interviewed also said it’s best to keep questions about sex and money to a minimum, at least initially. Keep in mind that the same things that make you laugh can make you cry. Similarly, the same questions you ask a man, he may also ask you. So before you speak, ask yourself, “Do I want him to ask me these same questions?” Here are some questions we think are absolutely imperative!

Questions you
should
ask early in the relationship:

1) Are you married? (He may lie, but at least you asked.)

2) Are you still friends with your baby’s mama (e.g, your ex-wife, girlfriend, friend)?

3) Describe your ideal woman?

4) Do you want kids?

5) Do you have children?

6) How often do you see your children (if you have any)?

7) Are you close to your mom?

8) How often do you call/see your mom?

9) How long was your longest relationship?

10) How do you feel about love, sex, and monogamy?

11) If you were a box of cereal, which one would you be and why?

12) How do you feel about Internet dating?

If you ask these questions with a genuine, gentle tone— meaning not judgmental, and not attacking or grilling him, you will have greater success in getting honest, heartfelt answers. Hopefully, he will tell you everything you need to know. Let’s discuss each question.

1) Are you married?

My girlfriend and I were having lunch at a small café in Studio City. We were engaging in our normal girl talk, when she said, “Shanae let me tell you about this married guy I dated.” The first thing that I asked was, “Did you know he was married?” She said, “No!” and began to explain how they met and how she found out he was married. Before she could finish her story, I asked her, “Did you ask him if he was married when you met him?” She said, “No, I didn’t know I had to ask if he was married. I assumed that if he was dating me, spending nights with me, traveling and going to business events with me, that he was single.” She added, “I’m forty-nine years old. In my generation, married men don’t date.” I quickly responded by saying this is a new day. Today, you must ask!

2) Are you still friends with your baby’s mama
(e.g., your ex-wife, girlfriend, friend)?

Shanae

Remember, the child’s mother can hold a very special place in his heart, especially if he ever loved her. I like to ask this question because if he is still heartbroken over his ex, he is probably not ready to give himself to you, and this relationship could end up being more work than it’s worth. I am not in the business of helping men get over their ex or dating men who are still intimate with their ex. When you ask this question, listen very closely to the answer and the tone in his voice. When you ask, “Are you still friends with your baby’s mama?” and he says something like, “Hell no, I can’t stand her crazy ass,” then it is probably safe to assume that he is open to a new, healthy relationship. You should also ask, “What is it that makes her so crazy?” What you are looking for is if he did anything that might have made her “crazy.” Think Elin Woods—Tiger Woods’ wife.

If he answers the initial question with, “I didn’t want to break up with her, she left me.” He’s not over her and you are probably just a rebound. If she never comes back to him, great, but if she changes her mind at any point and wants him back, you can kiss him goodbye. If he says, “We are cool, we just grew apart. I still have love for her . . . she’s the mother of my kids. We’re just two different people now, and I am looking for something else” then he is probably a keeper. You can move on to your next question.

Rhonda

Asking if he’s still friends with his baby’s mama is a very important question when trying to get to know someone. My ex-husband and I were both guilty of hurting people through our twenty-year course of breaking up and then making up. Other people really didn’t have a chance until we were able to put our past behind us and move on with our individual lives. Even after divorce, we were still connected through our children, the homes we owned, and our business. Thus, we were forced to stay in close contact even when we didn’t really want to be around one another. I know other women with similar stories. Unfortunately, the ex-woman usually still has some sort of advantage, like it or not. Ladies, these situations are dangerous for your heart. It is critically important that you listen closely, as Shanae suggested. Pay attention to his answers as well as his body language. Also pay attention to how he talks to her on the phone and how he treats you in her presence.

3) Describe your ideal woman

Shanae

Ask him to describe his ideal or dream woman. If he describes someone that isn’t you, let him go. This means he would be settling and your relationship will not last. When he finds that ideal person, he will move on to her. Do you remember the guy Mark that I talked about in previous chapters? Well, I was so in love with Mark. He could sing, he was attractive, and he was attentive. Mark was super sexy and had everything I wanted in a man. I assumed I was his type (he asked me for my number) until I asked him to describe his ideal woman: “The first girl I ever had sex with was white. Since then, white women have been my preference.” At that very moment I realized that I was a woman that he liked and cared for, but he didn’t see me the same way that I saw him. His preference was someone that I was not, and could never be, if I had only asked sooner. Everything that I am telling you, I learned the hard way. If only one person reads this and learns from it, then this book has done its job.

Rhonda

A very good friend of mine shared a story with me that adds creditability to the importance of this question. In looking at the type of women her ex-husband dated when they broke up (typically white or Hispanic), and in reading some of the online profiles he posted on Internet dating sites, she said she was shocked to discover he was attracted to women of other races, shapes, and ages none of which resembled her. She said to me, “I was shocked to learn that his age preference was anywhere from thirty to forty-two, his race preference ranged from no preference to Latin and white, and he solicited women with specific physical attributes like “athletic.” None of those descriptors described my friend. So this lovely African American, medium-built woman who was in her mid-forties was left to wonder if her ex-husband always had those desires, or did he simply develop them after they broke up? It could be that he always loved her like she was at that time, then changed. Who really knows? Either way, you see the importance of asking questions in the beginning, particularly this one.

4, 5, 6) Do you want kids? Do you have children?
How often do you see them?

Shanae

Whether you have children or not, these questions tell you a lot about the man that you are dating. From these short questions, you will be able to determine if he is responsible, if he is proud of his family (whether the kids where planned or not), and if he is selfish and thinks the world rotates around him. If he says he doesn’t have any kids, then go to the next question.

If he is over 37 and doesn’t have any kids, that is a red flag for me. Why? Because it tells me one of four things: (1) He can’t have children, (2) he has supported an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend in having an abortion, (3) he is selfish and doesn’t want anything or anyone that is going to take money from him, or (4) he’s on the down low (we won’t go there). If you ask him if he has kids and he says yes, and then tells you their ages and how many, this is a very good sign. That means he is proud of his family and no matter what the situation is with the mother of his children, he is making it known that they are a part of him.

Rhonda

It is key to know what kind of father he is to his own kids. Does he spend quality time with them? Does he offer them sound advice? Does he care about their education? Is he concerned about their accomplishments and goals? Does he feel it’s important to be involved in helping to shape their overall character and spirituality? While we expect women who have children to want their men to have kids, too, others prefer for him not to have children of his own. There are women with children, who actually want men who don’t have kids, to avoid “baby mama drama.” These women were also concerned that if the man had kids, his responsibilities to and for his children may impact the quality and quantity of time with her. Whether you are for or against a man with kids, knowing whether he has kids is the first step toward getting past this dating hurdle. Because I am a mother who has already raised three children and still has a teenage son to rear, it’s important for me to date a man who understands parenting. Perhaps he would be able to offer sound advice and serve as a role model and father figure to my son.

7, 8) Are you close to your mom? How often do you
call/see your mom?

Shanae

It seems like such a simple question, with such a simple answer, but it says so much. Think about it. If he doesn’t respect or care enough about the woman who gave birth to him, he probably isn’t going to care or respect you very much. On the other hand, if he doesn’t know his mom, or didn’t grow up with a woman in the house, there is going to be a gap in his relationship with you. This is something that you want to know up front. The more questions you ask, the fewer surprises you will have to deal with later.