Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? (14 page)

SEX

Next, but probably the most important to a man, is sex. So many of my married, male friends ask me what to do to get their wives to have sex with them more often, and without them always having to initiate it. I have a good friend who plays in the NFL who called me and said, “Shanae, what else can I do? I leave her notes in the fridge telling her I love her. I send gifts to the house while I’m away, but she still doesn’t want to have sex with me.” “Why do you think that she is going to have sex with you now?” I replied. “You said she didn’t give you any before the baby or before the ring.” “I thought she was holding out until we got married,” he said. “I told you before you married her, most women who like to have sex don’t just have sex every two months, waiting for the wedding day. It’s all or nothing,” I stated. He asked, “What should I do?” I replied, “You have to tell
her
like you’re telling me.”

I am not sure how some women expect to keep a happy home when their man can’t get any relief at home. I mean that literally. I interviewed one of the managers at my bank. He said it had been eighteen months since he had intercourse with his wife. He lives with her and he sees her every day. How is that possible? Often sex with his woman is all it takes to change the entire course of a man’s day or week. Giving your man sex is one of your roles as his woman, but don’t do it out of duty. It makes a huge difference if you want it just as bad as he does, and if you initiate it. This will definitely be an ego-builder for him.

No Talking about Your Other Man to Your Guy

A common no-no that women seem to do all the time is to try to make their man jealous. Every time you mention another man’s name or what he has done for you, you put doubt and insecurities in your man’s head. And as sure as the day is long, all those insecurities will come back to haunt you. My friend Mark recently told me that when a woman complements another man in front of her man all he hears is
“she wants to have sex with him.”
I hope that not all men are that insecure but I am starting to believe it’s true. So watch what you say (unless you don’t want to be with the guy anymore).

Know Your Role

It is important for you to know and understand your position in his life. Are you wifey, girlfriend, girlfriend on the side, or booty call? Once you know your role then you can decide to quit or stay on the team. If you decide to stay, you must view your current relationship title as a job title. With every job title, there are certain requirements and expectations that need to be met in order to keep your job. If you go above and beyond the call of duty, you are likely to be promoted. On the flip side, if you are only doing the bare minimum in order to get by, you can be putting yourself in position to be demoted (this applies to the man or the woman). In addition to knowing your job title and responsibilities, you must also know what you want from the man you’re dealing with and know your worth. With a clear understanding of your job title and responsibilities, work to the best of your ability and within the parameters you have established. If that role doesn’t work for you, or if you’ve determined through a re-evaluation of your worth and your standards that you deserve something better, you have the choice of moving on or communicating what you want and seeing if he is ready to accept the change. If not, then you absolutely must do what you have to do to bring yourself respect and joy. It is your time and your life.

Rhonda

As I mentioned earlier, in my former career, I was promoted every two or three years. I was on a very fast, professional track. My husband and I worked for the same corporation at that time, and, in fact, he started about a year before I did. I was driven. I studied the people, the corporation, and the various management positions with a goal to achieve each one, and I did exactly that. I tested well, interviewed well, and got the jobs I wanted. My husband was promoted only twice in the same fifteen-year period, whereas I was promoted seven or eight times. My ego soon became a huge obstacle in getting through the doors of our home. My position became who I was; I was defined by my job title. It was my greatest ally and my worst enemy. I was a former teen mom now making almost $100,000 a year. Talk about
ego
!

This is where I began to lose my place in my home. I forgot my role, and he began to suffer inside, which came out as anger and resentment. While I didn’t understand any of this at the time, I most certainly do now.

I realize the title of this chapter, “Knowing Your Place,” could be a bit offensive for some. Those who become offended are often the “independent women who don’t need a man for nothing, except some of that good lovin’.” But for the rest of us, grown enough to see that title and courageous enough to read through it, let’s see what it means.

There were many times in my life when I didn’t know my place. I hadn’t considered my place nor had I been taught anything about it. I was independent, and I felt my place was to continuously remind men that I could do everything on my own. My place was to tell them “I don’t need you,” and to caution the man in my life that other men wanted me just as much as he did, if not more, and that he was expendable.

In my mind, I was “the bomb,” so my behavior, words, and actions (or inaction) were a reflection of my attitude. The real problem was that deep down, I didn’t believe in my own worth. I felt it necessary to make my man feel insecure, or less than a man, in order to feel better about myself. Out of ego, pain, insecurity, and sometimes dissatisfaction with his progress, I would chide him about any shortcomings he had and make him feel bad about them. Sometimes it was about him not making enough money, or not changing the oil in my car, or the sex that we had earlier in the day that lasted only ten seconds. My mouth and behavior were detrimental to some relationships. Back then, I felt it was my place to “check” my man and then demonstrate that whatever he could do, I could do better.

I didn’t fully understand the importance of support, respect, or patience. I didn’t know that you could still have a voice and be heard without being demeaning and disrespectful. I was a wife without training or skills. If you happen to have a good man who shows his love and devotion to you, maintains the household, and shows care for you and the family, then allow him to be a man. Thank him for bringing home his check, for spending time with the kids, for repairing things, for keeping the lights on, and for making sure there’s food on the table. Women, if the goal is to have a solid, loving relationship with our men, then as women, we must learn our proverbial places, which may change according to the person, the situation, or the times. We must also understand how our actions, words, and reactions can impact our relationships. While being strong and humble yourself, respect him for getting his and doing the right thing. Remember, for those who deserve it, we need to show respect, support, and encouragement, as well as become that inspiration they so desire and need.

Chapter 11
Goodies Have Power,
So Use Them Wisely

Shanae

I’m going to keep this chapter short, sweet, and to the point. From the beginning of time, a woman could get a man to wage war on an entire country if he wanted her bad enough. When my friend Johnny and I talked about the women he dated, he would say, “The only thing worse than her giving me some is giving me some.” He finished his thought by saying, “Unless I really like you, after I get the goodies four or five times, what else do you have to offer?” And I thought, “He is just mean, that certainly can’t be how all guys think.” So one night I was talking to my boy Mark and he said, “The reality is that women are giving it up way too easily these days.” My argument was that he’s a celebrity, so that doesn’t count. Girls feel like they’re getting a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have sex with a star. I asked LT, who is a personal trainer, and he said the same thing. Women pay him to train them and then next thing you know, his clients end up butt naked on the leg extension machine.

This is mind-blowing to me. Why would I let a man into my body without some effort on his part to make me feel special? By special, I mean dinner, movies, gifts, money, spa treatments, quality time, and so on. All of this is at your fingertips when the man you are dating is trying to get some, and every man you talk to is trying to get some, even your “friends.”

I will tell you from personal experience, holding out sucks. It can be very hard at times, especially if you don’t already have someone on hand who has already earned the right to the goodies. Making your man spend money and time to get the goodies doesn’t make you a gold digger, it makes you smart. Most men you encounter don’t even deserve to smell the goods, much less try them. If you make a man wait long enough, he will give away his whole motivation. It normally only takes about three dates. Make a list of all the things you want your man to do or all the things you want to know about him before you give him some and stick to it. Your list will help you establish consistency, but you will see that being a woman with rules and standards can be a lonely plight. Trust me. It’s eleven o’clock on Saturday night, and it’s me, a bottle of wine, and my computer. Good luck!

Rhonda

I have been the woman who gave up the goodies too soon, sometimes with regret and a tinge of sadness. I gave up the goodies on the second date with my ex-husband, but, we fell in love and I married him. I’ve also tried the infamous three-month wait time, in another situation but that relationship still didn’t last. So what is the right time frame? Who really knows? In truth, holding out on the goodies simply allows you time to get to know the man and see his character before giving him all of you. During this time, you will find out if he is thoughtful, kind, generous, fun, and if he really cares about you.

These are things that you should want to know. During the wait period, you may also want to ask the right questions and spend lots of quality time. Again, not all guys are going to be honest, but it’s worth it to ask. Perhaps if you wait long enough, you will be able to determine if he is even worthy of being in your space. In addition, you will have shown respect for yourself, causing him to respect you even more. I didn’t say he would like it, but you may find the more you control the desire, the better things will be in the long run. I can personally attest to this!

Part
Three

Key is Confidence

Chapter 12
Finding Yourself

Shanae

T
he alarm clock went off, and on this particular day, I allowed the music to continue to play without hitting the snooze button. I kept my eyes closed as I listened to the words of Marvin Sapp’s song,
I Never Would Have Made
It
. The words began to resonate with me:

And I can say,

Never would have made it,

Never could have made it

Without you

I would have lost it all,

But now I see how you were there for me and I can say

I’m stronger, I’m wiser, I’m better,

Much better

And through my closed eyes, tears began to fall, down my cheeks and onto my pillow. Those words hit me at the core of my being, and at that very moment, I realized it was time for me to grow up. Not in age, but in my emotional state. I had three small children, and my soon-to-be ex-husband was coming and going as he pleased.

Yet, I had no idea how to take the first step. I was so shattered. My perfect life was coming to an end right before my eyes. The Bible says,
“Train up a child in the
way he should go and when he is old he will not depart
from it”
(Proverbs 22:6; KJV). The first thing I did was to get down on my knees and pray. I told God I would probably be there every day and several times throughout the day because I was lost. Because I had been through so much, I knew my first step would be to learn how to love myself again.

It sounds like something that would be automatic, but when you have been in a verbally or physically abusive relationship, your self-esteem and confidence are shot to hell. The first thing that I had to do was learn to love myself in my own skin. I had spent the last six years of my life pregnant, breast-feeding, being a stay-at-home mom and entrepreneur. Trust me when I say neither my body nor my mental state was on point. I was a physical and psychological mess.

I am 5'4" tall, and when I gave birth to my last child, I weighed two hundred pounds. The first call I made was to a personal trainer to get back in shape. I found a former Ms. Georgia bodybuilder to help me in my quest to find a healthier, sexier me, and I began working out four to six times a week. I didn’t care if I just walked through my neighborhood; I was going to burn some extra calories. Once I got my weight down to one hundred and fifty-five pounds, I thought I would feel better, but I didn’t. I looked in the mirror every day and thought that if my breasts were perkier, my butt was a little higher, and these stretch marks were gone, then I would be happy with myself.

One day my husband and I got into an argument. He pulled me over to the mirror, stood behind me, and said, “You still ain’t shit. Look at you. No, really look at yourself (at this point, I started crying). You’re a four, maybe a five on your best day. No one is going to want you. Oh, by the way, I’m seeing other people, so you can’t say that I didn’t tell you,” and he walked out of the bedroom.

I cried for a few hours and I prayed. When I woke up, I realized that there are things that I couldn’t change and that I needed to learn to love everything about myself, the good and the bad. But how could I do that? I had worked out consistently for eight months straight, I lost weight, and I cut my hair. I thought these things would make me whole, but still I was hollow.

Something told me to find a church. I had never had a church that I called home. That was my new goal. I found a place in Gainesville, Georgia, about thirty minutes from my house. This is where I began to transform from the inside out. I relied a hundred percent on God to heal me and to bring me through my turbulent times. My Bible studies became just as important to me as my workouts and my diet. My church body became my support system. I truly believe God puts people in your life for a reason, sometimes for a season, and sometimes for a lifetime.