Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? (18 page)

When we came into the world, as precious little girls, we didn’t have doubts or trust issues. We didn’t have a chip on our shoulders. We didn’t have golf clubs. And most of us weren’t angry. We had innocent thoughts and dreams. We grew up believing in the fairy tale of a good job, a good husband, a nice home, and a few children. In the lives of many young girls, their first encounter with a man was usually in their homes, whether it was with their biological dad, step-dad, uncles, brothers, or grandfathers. These relationships provided a first and often lasting impression about the roles of men in their lives. In some households, there were fathers who set wonderful examples of responsibility, integrity, natural, healthy affection, spiritual guidance, education goals, and pure love. For too many young women (me included), this was not the reality. For too many girls, there were men who violated childhood innocence through the horrific experience of molestation, instilling a mixture of shame, distorted views on sex, and pain. Other households gave us men who fathered daughters and sons, then left the mother and kids to fend for themselves, creating a lack of trust, and questions of one’s ability to rely or depend on men thereby inadvertently creating what we call, “the strong black woman” or “women who wear the pants” in the house. And you ask why some women act like they don’t need a man. It’s not because they don’t want one, it’s because they have been accustomed to carrying the family on their backs too many times for too many years. They had no choice but to make a way out of no way; they had to do their job and the man’s job, too. Yet, it’s all they knew. Then there are men who abuse women both physically and emotionally, and feel it is their duty to demoralize, hit, or belittle women at every opportunity, creating more shame, fear, low self-esteem, and doubt. There are men who stalk women, men who go to park trails and climb through home windows to rape women, with the sole intent of causing harm.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have the Tiger Woods’ of the world, the Michael Jordan’s, the Mr. MF’s, the cable guy, the office managers, the politicians, the unemployed men who run about aimlessly, without precaution or concern, scouring the Internet, the clubs and streets, searching for that next woman (or man on the down low), sticking his manhood in everything with an entry point, whether they are in a committed relationship or not. Is it any wonder things are as they are?

So, before another man approaches a woman, he should think about this. Think about the facts and know that, sometimes, women are the walking wounded, and some of us find it impossible to believe in anything coming out of men’s mouths—and justifiably so. I am not suggesting that men should go through their lives suffering on any level from a woman’s past or that women should carry baggage the rest of their lives and blame people for their unhappiness. Men need to know that the guys of a woman’s past may affect her current views. But if a man really intends on going to the next level with his woman, that is, the mind, spirit, and emotional level, then he should make it a priority to work with his woman and help her move through her issues. Give her reason to trust. Ladies, go back and read the chapter on
Understanding
Your Baggage,
and if you can see any of what I said in yourself, then my advice would be to get some help, go to therapy, or read some self-help books. You can have a brighter future. Your future does not have to be like your past. Just as men have contributed to our breakdown, they have to be contributors to our rise and mending.

Dating and Money

Men need to stop thinking with double standards. From the moment you meet us, you want something. From the very first moment, after you have checked out our bodies, teeth, hair, and clothes, you have already begun to process what you want and need from us. So stop acting offended if we want something from you in return. There is an old school saying that goes “there’s no romance without finance.” Someone came up with that for a reason. In this day and age, you can’t date without having money. So, if you don’t have your chips together, stay home until you do. No hard feelings.

Now, I have a rhetorical question on this same note: Can someone please explain to me why some men will take a woman on an expensive date, buy several rounds of drinks, a wonderful lobster and prime rib dinner then agree to spend a couple hundred dollars on a room at the end of a night without flinching? But if the same woman says to that man, “Baby, instead of doing all that tonight, won’t you let me have that same amount of money to use toward bills or to go shopping?” He turns and looks at the woman like she just shot the sheriff, asked for his liver, and ordered his legs to be cut off. Or worse, he doesn’t call her anymore or answer her e-mails. WTF??!! Before the request for money, she’s referred to by endearing names such as “angel,” “beautiful,” and soon to be “wifey.” After the request, she is a stranger. Huh? That is some poppycock! That is always a clear sign that he is not genuine.

Intimacy/Sex

Kissing is relevant and important to the relationship. It is sexy foreplay and intimate. Please learn to do it right— gently and with passion. Slobbering all over a woman’s lips and face ain’t it. Brush your teeth and keep gum handy, and try to visit the dentist from time to time. Some folks still don’t get it.

We have discussed penis size a few times in the book. If you ask, “Does size matter?” The answer is, “YES!” A good size is a very good thing. However, if you weren’t endowed with that gift, then shamelessly work everything else you have. Be great at stimulating a woman’s body from head to toe so that no matter what, when you are ready, she will be ready, too.

Oral Sex

If you don’t know what you are doing, don’t care enough to do it right, or plan to do two seconds down there and get up calling it foreplay, save us the trouble and frustration. There are books, movies, and female friends— all of which can help you understand how it is supposed to work.

Fifty-Second Sex

Okay, fellas, come on now. At what point does this exercise in futility stop? Get it together. Learn how to get this under control. Women are getting tired of having to say, “Honey, it’s okay, I understand; there’s nothing to be ashamed of.” We are also tired of hearing you say, “That’s never happened to me before.” You and I both know that’s a lie! Work on controlling your premature ejaculation (PE). Watch videos, take classes, meditate, or pray about it, but correct it by any means necessary. We both are in this thing together and we want to arrive at the same time, most of the time.

Other Important Things

Communication

Learn to talk and learn to listen! There are plenty of resources that relate to women and talk about women. You can use these as enlightenment. Life is short. Make it memorable. We love men who can talk about a variety of topics, who listen when we speak, and who are fun. Grown women need this from you.

Stay in Shape

Just like you want us to try and keep it together, or are quick to judge us if we gain weight, you need to do the same. Don’t sit back and tell me I need to lose weight and you can’t even see your toes or you got those jelly rolls in the back of your head. Enough already! If anything, we can work out together. But, before you start to criticize the woman in your life, evaluate yourself. Women are always more accommodating and forgiving in this area. We don’t have to be forgiving; guys are merciless about our bodies and judge us without limitations. Be Real. Be all the way real.

This may be a repeat of something you have read earlier, but it is so necessary, I want to break it down and say it again. MEN, if you already know you are prone to cheating or don’t plan to be with one person, say this:

Baby girl, I like you and I think you are great, however, I am single and I love being single. We can go out and have a good time but there may be nights I don’t come home, weeks when I don’t see you, and times when I don’t call. I plan to have sex with as many women as I can and I may not use a condom. During these times, I don’t want to be harassed by you, no repeat telephone calls, no questions, and no drama. I am just doing me, and I will need you to understand. When I feel like it, I will call you and be back to take you out. We will make love and spend some time together. If that works for you, then cool. Let’s do it. If not, then let me know now.

Ladies, this is the moment that you get to respond. Don’t fall for the BS and don’t accept this crap unless you really don’t give a damn about the man and could care less about what he does or the way he acts. If the guys who like being single were honest and didn’t provide the sugar-coated, pretend version of their intentions, women would run the other way more often than not.

We are mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, or cousins, and we deserve to be treated right. It is true that we love our independence and that we fought for our right to vote and rights for equal pay and equality in the workplace, but that didn’t mean we wanted to be men. Most women (even corporate, hardworking women and entrepreneurs) still want genuine chivalry, providers, and a gentleman who can and will protect them. Guys, we have peeped your game and are calling you out. We can see through the phony lines and disingenuous words. It is time to change. Move away from superficial behavior and move toward authenticity and honesty. Look in the mirror and change, fellas. If you could do that, we can start over and get this situation on track. Until then, ladies, I say we stand firm on all of our wants and needs and keep our legs closed.

Chapter 16
At the End of the Day

Shanae

A
t the end of the day, I found the strength to leave, the wisdom to do better, the courage to expect more of myself and my partner, the fortitude to step out on my own two feet and to believe in myself and to trust in God. I hope that every person who reads this book will find something that he or she can use to improve his or her life, relationships, and self-esteem. At the very least I pray that it will serve as a motivation for you to want more out of life. I hope that you were able to laugh, relate, and maybe shed a tear while reading
Why Do I Have to
Think Like a Man?
It was very therapeutic for me to write. Many of the stories told in this book I told for the first time. I want to thank all the readers for becoming a part of my story. I leave you with this poem written by my grandmother:

Lost

Once you took my breath away, lost in your embrace.

It was then that I couldn’t wait, to hear your

voice and see your face.

We’ve now become tied in a web too tangled and too
deep.

You’ve grown into my flesh, even in our dreams we
meet.

I go, you’re there, I stay, you’re here.

I rise, you’re up, I sit, you’re down.

I look into the mirror, I see your face,

I lift my hand, you place

Your moods control my feelings, your presence
without end.

You no longer care how I look, only that I am

You have become me or am I you?

I can’t separate between the two

I must untie, unshackle, and undo, to find the me
I lost in you.

—Bonnie White

Rhonda

At the end of the day, once I got my standards right, things changed. Primarily, I liked me a whole lot better. I learned to trust my intuition and feelings. My spirit settled and I found more peace. The men I speak about in this book changed toward me as well. I began to get more calls, e-mails and texts saying,
“I miss everything
about you, I would like to see you, please call me,”
and asking,
“Why can’t I reach you?”
It never fails, ladies, as long as you are going along with the program, accepting whatever and being nonconfrontational, the relationship works “fine.” Then when you say
no more
and refuse the status quo and sub-par treatment, suddenly you get their attention. They either step up or they bounce. It is predictable, humorous, and reassuring all at the same time to know, at the end of the day, we have what it takes to turn it around.

Throughout history, women have overcome great odds in many areas, and they have demonstrated undying strength and incomparable accomplishments. Whether it was Harriet Tubman leading hundreds of slaves to freedom through treacherous enemy territory, women fighting and winning the right to vote, African American women like Madam C.J. Walker, who revolutionized the hair care and cosmetics industries, or women like former First Lady, Hillary Clinton, running for the highest political office in the land, our great minds and profound power are evident. Because of our strength and unquestionable determination, we, women, have the ability to stand on our own merits and use our own thinking process to relate better.

No one book, therapy session, spiritual enlightenment meeting, epiphany, or “aha moment” is going to change everything in your life or help you find and keep Mr. Right. We can only wish it were that simple. However, a combination of some or all of these very helpful tools, coupled with your inner, intuitive, spirit serving as your guide, will help you discover how to better navigate your way through the dating and relationship maze on a higher level. If you set some standards for what you want and need from your man and stick to them, eventually you will weed out the men who do not have your best interests at heart and recognize those who do. Take the time to look in the mirror. Accept yourself where you are and then evaluate what you need to do to get to where you want to be with yourself, in your relationships and in life in general.

The old labels made by men like “gold digger,” “bitch,” and “independent woman” no longer have to apply as stated. The double standards men set, where they can sleep with as many women as they want and be given “props,” or sleep with women without so much as buying them a bag of groceries or a tank of gas, need to end. At minimum, we should stop and think about it and challenge it. Remember, any woman can get a man to lie down with her any day of the week, but how many of us feel respected or empowered the next day or later that night? How many of us wake up and say to ourselves, “No matter how it goes, I am okay. I got more than I wanted or needed out of the situation.” If 50 percent of marriages end in divorce every year, how many dating relationships end each year? We won’t even mention the one-night stands, so give yourself a fighting chance at something good and meaningful. Give yourself every advantage at better dating. As you go on about this wonderful thing called life, explore all the options and tools available to you (wise counsel, spiritual teachings, the Bible, your parents, lessons), to uplift and sustain you. Take care of your body, mind, and spirit and welcome the man or men who will do the same. Finally,
thinking like a
lady
means, staying conscious, being honest, removing blinders, setting standards, connecting to your source, and knowing who you are at all times. You already possess all that you need to get where you are trying to go, believe that! You are a Phenomenal Woman, read Maya’s poem again to remind yourself.