Wide Open (22 page)

HARPER

October 15th

758 Greenbow

Los Angeles, CA

He filmed it in the Challenger. The timer says it was after midnight. Not long after I fell asleep.

The image swirls for a second as he spins the camera to face himself, resting it on the dashboard. He checks the screen on the side, makes eye contact with himself, and immediately looks away. There’s so much disinclination in his demeanor that I feel my throat closing off. I feel sick for him, uncomfortable in the worst possible way because that’s what he’s feeling. That’s what he lived as he made me this recording. It’s what he’s living now as he leaves, going God knows where. But wherever it is, I know it won’t be far. He doesn’t feel like he’s done protecting me.

Part of me hopes he never will.

As the camera rolls, Kurtis stares out the windshield into nothing. He’s thinking. Preparing himself. The dashboard lights in the car glow red, the light from the camera screen a grayish blue, and together they make an eerie atmosphere that feels surreal. Almost otherworldly as he confesses, “I’m not sure where to start. But I think Jersey is a good place. To start, not to live. Or visit. Don’t go to Jersey, is what I’m saying.”

I smile at his halfhearted attempt at humor. The faintest grin is on his lips for a split second, his painfully handsome face dark in the shadows of the car but light in his eyes. They’re shining and nervous. Vulnerable in a way I’ve rarely seen him.

“I grew up in a religious house. I never knew my dad, my mom ran away when I was a baby, and my grandma was left to raise me. She was a hard-ass. I think that’s why my mom was wild. She couldn’t stand how tight the reins were. When I turned fourteen I started to feel the same way. I followed my grandma’s rules all through high school, but when I went to college I finally cut loose. I went a little wild, just like my mom.

“My grandma was disappointed in me. She made sure I knew that every chance she got. She didn’t know I was sleeping with every girl I could get my dick in, but she had suspicions. It made me feel like shit, but it didn’t stop me. I kept right on partying and during my junior year her health started going. I was back and forth between Florida and Jersey as often as my beat up truck could take me.” He coughs into his hand, shifting in his seat. “When she died I didn’t have anyone. Just my friends who she hated, but I loved them. Tommy, Kyla, and I were close as kids. We all went to the same schools, grew up on the same block. In middle school the two of them started dating. I never wanted Kyla until Tommy dated her, but once he did I couldn’t stop thinking about her. It was like I hadn’t realized she was an option until she wasn’t anymore. Like I’d somehow forgotten she was a girl. Or maybe I was a jealous dick and I didn’t want her until she belonged to someone else. That’s probably more likely, but I’ll never know for sure.

“I was really lonely after my grandma died, so my senior year at Florida Tommy and Kyla moved down there to be closer to me. They were the start of my entourage. After I lost my grandma I started to surround myself with people who made me feel like…” He frowns, trying to sort the memory and the feeling. Looking for what’s real. “I guess people who made me feel like
something
. I grew up feeling like nothing and when I got to college people were all over my shit because I was good at football, and I liked that feeling. I collected people who gave it to me.”

I pinch my lips together, my face falling as I imagine what that must have been like. A lifetime of being cast aside, being told he was wrong. How much self-worth could a man hope to have after a childhood like that?

“They weren’t always people I actually liked,” Kurtis continues, his voice growing more animated as he leaves his grandmas death behind him. “Like Bennet; he was an idiot who worshipped the ground I walked on. He was obnoxious but he fed my starving ego so I kept him close. Tommy and Kyla were the only ones I really considered friends. They were the only ones I wasn’t trying to get something from. Not yet, anyway.

“When I drafted to the Kodiaks, Tommy became my business manager. He asked for the chance to work and earn the things I was giving him and Kyla because he was solid and he didn’t want to be a freeloader.” He grins feebly but affectionately. “I loved that about him. He’d always been a hard worker and I trusted him, so I said sure. I didn’t want to deal with all of that anyway. He took over handling the money, tracking the bills, writing the checks. He was terrible at it, but I couldn’t have done any better. We’d never seen the amount of money I was making before. It wasn’t easy to understand. It was damn near impossible to manage.”

He pauses, looking out the side window at something passing by. A person walking a dog? A cat finding breakfast in the dumpster? Whatever it is, he gives it his full attention, giving himself an escape, before he slowly returns his gaze to the camera.

“You know it by now. You’re sleeping in the proof. I’m broke. Or at least I used to be. I’m finally making it back, almost three years later. The endorsements have helped. They paid off my back taxes that Tommy ignored. The debts though, those were the worst. We spent all of my cash, tore through all of the credit we could get our hands on. Tommy had my social security number and when the cash started disappearing he opened credit accounts and took out loans trying to hide it. He was too scared to tell me he’d ruined me. At its worst, I was eight million dollars in the hole.”

“Holy shit,” I gasp, my head swimming. I can’t fathom that amount of debt. I come from a well off family – my mom has been a regular on a successful crime drama for the last decade – and I still find the number shocking. I feel sick just imagining it. I can’t grasp what it’s been like living with it.

“It would have been easy to get angry at Tommy for what he did to me,” Kurtis continues, his voice tired. His eyes tight. “And I was. But in a sick way it was a relief. Like we were even because he had fucked me while I had been fucking him; while I fucked Kyla behind his back.”

My jaw drops in shock, and I realize with dread that we’ve reached the confession chapter of his story.

“Back then I wasn’t denied anything. I could walk into any club I wanted, buy anything I saw, sleep with whoever got me hard. And I’d wanted Kyla for years. But she’d always been Tommy’s girl so I never touched her.” He shakes his head in disgust, his lips curling up over his teeth. “I was a better man at thirteen than I was at twenty-three. But after I went pro she was suddenly living in my house, eating my food, drinking my booze. And one night she was giving me head. She offered and I said yes, and I couldn’t believe it when she actually did it. I felt so guilty I was sick for weeks after that. She was always there, though. My guilt was right there in front of my face, but I still wanted her. I’d had a bite but I wanted the whole meal. Then one night we were having a party and she fell in the pool. I walked in on her in the bathroom getting dried off. She hadn’t locked the door and she was standing there soaking wet and staring at me with these big eyes, pleading with me to go and stay at the same time.

“I had sex with her,” he spits out with disdain. “She begged me to do it and I did, and I was relieved it finally happened, like I could finally stop fighting it. But I couldn’t look her in the eyes after that. I couldn’t talk to Tommy. I swore it’d never happen again. Then a week later it did. And again two days after that. It kept happening, over and over again, and eventually it stopped feeling wrong. Or I got so calloused I couldn’t feel much of anything anymore. It started to feel good because she
wanted
me. It was wrong but she didn’t care. She wanted me so much that nothing else mattered. I started to wonder if that’s what love was.

“One morning I had her laid out on the kitchen island while Tommy was at the store. Nate found us. He was one of the other guys living in the house. I don’t know how many were there at that point. I lost track. But he walked in, saw us, and just smiled like he thought it was hilarious. He left without a word. That’s when I realized I wasn’t even trying to hide that it was happening. I was that big of a prick that I was boning my best friend’s girl in broad daylight, and I hated myself for it. I hated Kyla. I hated Tommy for not catching on and kicking my ass.”

I’m surprised when Kurtis looks directly into the camera lens, breaking his narrative to address me personally. “This is why I can’t hide us anymore. It reminds me of Kyla and it gives me this knee jerk feeling of guilt. I don’t want to feel that way with you. You were right when you said we’re more than sex, and that’s all Kyla and I ever were. It was lust. But you and me, we’re—” He hesitates, searching for the right words. “You and me, Harper, we’re something bigger, and whatever it is, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t want to lie about that or hide it. I never want to look at you and regret you. Never.”

I press my hand over my mouth, breathing into it slowly. I want to kiss him so badly it hurts. I want to turn off this tape and tell him that I’ve seen enough. That I know more than I need to, because this right here, the fact that he’s talking about us in the present tense like we’re not finished, like he’ll never be finished with me, is all I need to know.

He takes a deep breath, leaning back hard against his seat. The leather protests quietly before it’s drowned out by the rush of air escaping Kurtis’ lips. He’s looking out the windshield again. “Eventually Tommy couldn’t take his guilt anymore. Actually, I think he couldn’t hide it anymore, but either way, he told me what happened to the money. He explained that I was in debt and the IRS was going to come calling. He expected me to fight with him. To yell at him, but how could I? After what I’d been doing, how could
I
be mad at
him
? But I couldn’t be real with him either. I was too scared he’d leave. So I told him to get me what cash we had and meet me at the car. We took off for Vegas for four days straight trying to earn some money back. I was a regular there already. I went almost every chance I got to play poker at the high roller’s tables, and normally I won. I’d always been good at cards.”

He grins crookedly, almost boyishly. The expression softens his face and he looks younger than I’ve ever seen him. Like it’s three years ago, before he betrayed his friend, before he knew what guilt was, and he’s in his Challenger parked outside a Vegas hotel. He’s got a wad of cash burning a hole in his pocket. I can see him, who he used to be, and it doesn’t disgust me the way he’s convinced it will. It makes me sad. It’s confusing and painful, but there’s nothing revolting about him. He hates himself for betraying his friend, but hate is too violent a reaction to a boy who was desperately looking for love. For a beautiful, talented man with zero sense of self-worth.

“It’ll probably surprise you,” he jokes weakly, “but I have a good poker face. Just not that day. Or the days that came after. I wasn’t focused. I lost even more money, all the cash we had left, and I sunk deeper in debt. That’s the problem with gambling. You can’t want it too badly. The second it becomes a necessity, you lose your edge. It’s a jinx you’ll never shake.

“We went back to L.A. to find Kyla staying at a hotel. The rest of the guys had disappeared, taking anything they could get their hands on before they left. Kyla told us we’d been evicted from the mansion we were renting. Tommy hadn’t paid in three months. That night in the hotel Kyla and I ended up in the bathroom together while Tommy slept in the other room. We didn’t touch each other. We could barely look at each other. We talked and she cried I did everything I could not to. We were trash and we knew it. I’d never felt it more than that moment. I asked her if she was going to tell Tommy and she said no. She said she loved him. She wanted to marry him, and if he knew about us he’d never stay with her. I told her I didn’t want to lie to him anymore. She asked me to never speak to him again as a compromise. I agreed. I took the coward’s way out. I’ll always be ashamed of that. He screwed me too, but at least he had the balls to tell me to my face.”

Anger on Kurtis’ behalf rises up inside me and I want to tell him he’s wrong. Tommy wasn’t any braver than he was. He said it himself; Tommy confessed everything when he couldn’t hide it anymore. He sunk Kurtis deeper in debt trying to hide his mistakes from him.

“I left the hotel without saying goodbye to Tommy. I bought them bus tickets back to Jersey and slipped them under the door. Then I drove to Hollis’. He was the only person I could go to. I was too embarrassed to call any of the other Kodiaks and I couldn’t ask them to help me, not with all the gambling I’d been doing. If I went down for it, I’d take them with me.”

He looks into the camera again, speaking directly to me. I can see the fear in his eyes. It sends an apprehensive chill racing down my spine. “This is important. This is the reason I’ve kept it all a secret. It’s not just that I hate what I did to Tommy. It’s the gambling. The
desperate
gambling and the games that came after it. I was messed up after Tommy and Kyla left. I was alone again and I stopped talking to the other players. I stopped clicking with them on the field. My performance was notoriously bad at the end of that season. To the point that people blamed me for the loss of the championship game that could have taken us to the Super Bowl. If anyone knew I was broke at the time and that I was making trips to Vegas, I’d be investigated. They’d think I was betting on games and intentionally throwing them to win. It’s illegal, but even worse, it’d get me banned from the NFL. I
never
bet on my own games but the evidence is stacked against me, and when I finally explained it all to Hollis he agreed with me. I couldn’t tell anyone. He took me in that night and gave me a place to sleep. He said we’d make a plan to pay my debts in the morning, and we did. I lived with him in his spare room for the rest of the season.