Wild Honey (28 page)

“Randi—”

“No, I need to tell it!” She turned her head toward him, and moonlight glistened on the tracks of her tears; he longed to soothe them away; seeing her face, he didn’t dare.

“There was nothing I could do or say to stop him, though I tried. Dear God, I tried! I fought him, but he was so much bigger, and I was such a skinny little kid. When that failed, I pleaded. And then I begged.”

She took a shuddering breath. “But the begging only seemed to make him more eager and…and rougher. So
after a while I stopped begging. I stopped doing anything at all.”

Her voice became a monotone as she described what she meant. “It was as if I left my body and floated free up to the ceiling, and it was someone else lying down there on the bed. Someone else lying under him, while he panted and sweated and groaned. That wasn’t me whimpering and powerless down there, oh, no! It wasn’t happening to me at all.”

She paused, staring off into the moon-washed dark. “And that’s how I endured it. Week after week, month after ugly month. Until that blessed day, half a year later, when he was dead. When he was killed in a car accident, and for Jill and me…”

She paused again, considering whether she had the right to tell him her sister’s history, then recalled he already knew.

“It’s all right,” Travis said in a voice shaking with emotion. “You don’t need to go on.” He’d heard the basics from Jill, but until now, until Randi’s description of what it had been like, he’d had no idea of the raw pain words could evoke. He tried to imagine himself as such a child, helpless, utterly powerless. Subject to the demands of someone bigger and stronger. And he wanted to howl like a mad dog baying at the moon. Like a beast, using claw and fang in impotent rage, to say what language couldn’t.

“He was dead,” Randi repeated dully, “so for Jill and me, the nightmare was over.” She gave a short bitter laugh. “Well, it wasn’t really over, because I had nightmares about it for years. I just didn’t remember what they were about when I woke up.”

She managed a tremulous smile as she looked over at him, into his beloved face. “But on the night we…you began to make love to me, something triggered a recollection and broke through the block I’d erected to keep the truth at bay.

“In those few terrifying seconds, I relived it all. I recalled
everything, every hellish moment, just as it…as it really happened. I knew the truth then—all of it—and I couldn’t bear it.

“So I hurled my pain at you, Travis. I blamed you, when you were blameless. You weren’t the enemy, but I made you—”

“Forget about me. You were wounded.” He swallowed thickly, feeling her anguish. “God, if only you hadn’t stopped seeing…” He glanced away, running a hand through his hair, then heaved a sigh and looked at her. “I know who Carol Martin is, Randi, and that you’ve begun seein’ her again, but only recently.”

“Jill?”

He nodded. “She’s one strong together lady, your sister. And she says Martin’s help was critical. That it enabled her to go past the abuse, usin’ the sense of herself as a survivor—to empower her, I believe she said.”

“I know. I should’ve done the same years ago, but…well, I didn’t.”

He winced at the regret in her voice. “I’m not judgin’ you, Randi,” he said quietly.

“Oh, and you’re not pitying me, either?” There was misery in her eyes.

“No, I’m not,” he countered sharply. “Compassion isn’t pity, so disabuse yourself of that notion. Look,” he added in a gentler tone, “I’d do anythin’ to take away what happened, Randi, but that’s not possible. I reckon the best I can hope for’s to try to help in any way I can,
if I
can. But
only if you want me to,
understand? Only if you ask it of me.”

“But that’s not why I’ve told you this!” she cried. “I told you because I
owed
it to you, don’t you understand?

I owed you an apology, and with it, an explanation. Especially after what we both heard me say in your stateroom that night. Travis, you deserved some answers, that’s all. You’re not responsible for me.
I’m
responsible for me.”

“Yes,” he said emphatically, “you are. And that’s why,
if anybody owes somethin’, it’s me. You were right in what you accused me of that night, Randi. I
was
tryin’ to take over and not just in settin’ up that cruise.”

His voice softened. “I apologized for that in the garage that night, you’ll recall, but it doesn’t begin to cover what I’d been doin’. Now I’m apologizin’ for the bigger sin. The habit of a lifetime that pushed you so hard you freaked out. It’s no thanks to me you didn’t go off the deep end altogether.”

“What habit of a lifetime?” she asked, puzzled.

He told her of the exchange with Troy and what he’d learned from it. Of all it drove home to him, following, as it did, the things she’d thrown at him that night. He told her, too, of the hours of self-examination and a promise he’d made to himself: that this habit of confusing control with caring would come to an end.

“I may not always succeed in avoidin’ the impulse to control those I care about,” he finished with a wry half smile. “But I’m workin’ on it, Randi. I’m tryin’.”

“My God,” she murmured, more to herself than to him, “we’ve both been wrestling with the same devil.”

“Devil?” he echoed, aching to hold her, wondering if she realized just how much.

“I’ve begun to call it the C-word,” she said, smiling wryly up at him. “C for controlling. It’s been my nemesis, too, you see.”

Before he could ask, she told him about her own frantic efforts to control every aspect of her life she could. About the little ways this manifested itself, her attempts to keep Matt from trying his wings, even her secret wish not to share him. How it sprang from the abuse, which had made her feel helpless. How it was her way of making her world feel safe.

The words tumbled freely. It occurred to her they were finally having their talk, and it was easy.

“I lived with fear for so many years, Travis, that
it
controlled
me.
I’d do anything not to feel that vulnerable again.
So I avoided those I couldn’t control, those who might hurt me, even if the possibility was only in my mind. I avoided men, Travis. I avoided
you
—or tried to.”

He heaved a sigh. “And I came on like a runaway train. God, Randi, can you ever forgive me? I was so involved with pursuin’ the dream of a relationship with Matt, I made myself blind to the signals you gave out. And then, when I realized I was fallin’ in love with you, I just bulldozed right past—Randi, what’s wrong?”

She choked on a sob, torn between laughter and tears. “Travis McLean, I’ve been standing here trying to work up the courage to tell you I love you, not knowing if I dared! Not knowing if I could surrender my…fear of making myself that vulnerable to you.”

She went past the dumbfounded look on his face; now that she’d begun, her words gathered speed like a downhill racer. “Not knowing how much, or in what way
you
cared, Travis. So what do you do? You tell me the most crucial words a woman can ever hear from the man she loves—and wrap them up in a throwaway line. ‘Oh, by the way, Randi, I just happen to be falling in love with you.’“

He gaped at her. “Dammit, woman, I told you I cared. And I recall quite clearly sayin’ I wanted to marry you.”

“Cared! What does
that
mean? Or even your offer of marriage? For all I knew, it was all about Matt, hot me. You had no problem saying you loved Matt. But I never once heard you say anything about loving me!”

“Lord, woman, I…” But she was right, he realized. He’d avoided all mention of love—to her. Talked around it, but never said it.

“Randi, darlin’,” he said finally, “you’re lookin’ at one helluva prize fool.” He gave a rueful smile. “I don’t think I ever told you this, but anyone who’s known me long has heard me say I don’t believe in love, that romantic love doesn’t exist. Or if it does, it’s for poets and fools.”

“And now?” she whispered, tears brimming as she
ached to be held, wondering why, even now, he wasn’t reaching out for her.

“Now I know I was doin’ some big-time avoidin’ myself. Like yours, it was caused by fear. The fear of bein’ vulnerable, because that’s what love asks. That you bare yourself, risk yourself for the other…for the beloved.”

He gave her a tender smile. “But until now, until you, I

was afraid to do that. I’d seen my parents do it for years and concluded they never loved each other at all, though what I’m seein’ these days has had me rethinkin’ that assumption.”

The smile became sardonic. “No wonder I went into the field for the CIA. It was a perfect cover. A place where I could hide while pretendin’ to be brave. I mean, physical danger’s small potatoes compared to what I
really
feared.”

With a sad smile, he reached out as if to touch her cheek, then stopped, dropping his hand. “And that fear, my fear of vulnerability, was at the root of my reluctance. I was afraid to love a woman, Randi.”

She nodded, her eyes reflecting the sadness in his.

“I think,” he said after a moment, “that we’ve both been wounded children, darlin’, just wounded in different ways.

I’m only sorry, so damned sorry, it took me this long to realize it.”

Tenderly he ran his eyes over her face, met her gaze. “I love you. I wish to God I’d been able to tell you sooner.”

“Travis, I—”

“I beg your pardon, Mr. McLean.” The steward suddenly appeared, carrying a cellular phone. “Phone call for the lady, sir. You said that if any came…”

“Yes, of course. Thank you, John.” Travis quickly handed the phone to Randi.

Alarm written all over her, she grabbed it as the steward left them alone. “Hello?”

“Randi, it’s Sarah.”

“Sarah!” She felt Travis freeze beside her. “Is something wrong? Is Matt okay?”

“Yes, don’t worry. He’s fine,” Sarah assured her quickly, “and sleeping in his bed as we speak, with a great big Barney-smile on his face. But there’s been a minor glitch, Randi. You recall I was supposed to be driven home by someone named Steve?”

Mouthing the words, “Matt’s okay,” to Travis, Randi felt relief wash over her. “Your friend at law school, yes,” she told Sarah.

“Well, Steve’s car won’t start, and on top of that, Mrs. Casey just admitted she has a crashing headache. So I told her I’d check with you to see if it’s all right if I stay with Matt so she can go home. I’ll put her on if you like.”

Randi had a momentary flicker of concern; Sarah had never minded Matt before, and what if…

She gave her head a shake, recognizing the C-word in one of its sneaky attempts to suck her in. “No, Sarah, that’s all right. Tell Mrs. Casey I hope she feels better. And thanks. We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

“No problem,” Sarah said, “and stay as long as you like. Matt showed me his Barney sleeping bag. If I get tired, I’ll bed down on the floor in his room, so I can hear him if he needs anything.”

Randi thanked her again and hung up, then explained the situation to Travis.

“We’ll head right back,” he said, already moving to the stairs.

He fought to keep his regret from showing; the need to finish this was throbbing in his gut, and he ached from the thwarted hunger to take her in his arms. But she hadn’t given him the signal he’d been waiting for, and now it was too late; he knew how she worried about Matt. Maybe later, he thought ruefully.

“Travis?”

He turned, caught by the plaintive note in her voice.

“Travis, Sarah sounds as if she’s got everything under control…”

He waited, seeing she was trying to tell him something, half-afraid to hope.

“So there’s, uh, not really any reason to rush.” She took a hesitant step toward him, then stopped.

“Go on,” he whispered, feeling his heart begin to pound at the look in her eyes.

“Well,” Randi said, swallowing hard, “it’s just that we confessed we loved each other a little while ago, and…” She hesitated.

“Don’t stop there,” he urged, his love for her shining in his eyes.

She made a small diffident gesture with her hands. “Travis, aren’t…aren’t you going to hold me?”

“Are you asking me to, Randi?” The blood pounded in his veins.

“Asking you?”

“Don’t you remember, love?” he said softly. “The night we spoke in the garage, I made you a promise.’.’

She nodded slowly. “That you’d protect me,” she began, trying to recall his exact words, “even…even if it meant protecting me from yourself.”

“That’s right,” he said, “but there was more.”

She stared at him in bewilderment for an endless moment, and then her jaw dropped. “You swore not to touch me—unless
I asked.”

Nodding, he made no move. Yet his eyes blazed with a tenderness so fierce, it nearly staggered her.

“Travis,” she said, blinking back tears, finally aware of what it must have cost him to wait for her, “I’m asking.”

“Gutsy lady,” he said huskily, moving toward her. And heard her laugh through her tears as he pulled her into his arms.

“W
AKE UP, SLEEPYHEAD
,” Travis murmured as he nuzzled Randi’s ear. “Time to rise ‘n’ do our best to shine.”

“Mmph,” she mumbled, snuggling into his warmth like the tawny kitten she reminded him of this morning.

He smiled indulgently and drew her closer, relenting for the moment, though he’d have to rouse her soon; they’d be reaching port in an hour, and she’d probably enjoy breakfast and maybe a shower before they docked.

The smile grew. It was his fault she was still sleeping so soundly, but he couldn’t regret it. He’d made love to her several times during the night, the last time, just a couple of hours ago, as dawn was breaking. It was as if he couldn’t get enough of her. Or she, him, he mused as the smile became a grin.

She stirred and he pressed a kiss to her brow. Lord, he loved this woman, adored her, cherished her. The sheer force of these feelings he’d once shunned astounded him, filling him with a humility and gratitude he knew he’d carry in his heart all his days. Without question, she’d become central to his life. She and Matt.

Thoughts of their son had him eyeing the clock. Sarah and Matt would be meeting them at the yacht basin in just an hour, driven by the boyfriend, who’d had his car repaired. A call to Sarah had ascertained she’d be able to mind Matt overnight, but she and Steve had to be back for classes at Georgetown this afternoon, so…

“Randi, darlin’, wake up,” he urged softly.

“Mmm?” A smile curved her lips, and Travis couldn’t resist capturing them with a gentle kiss. He loved holding her this way, when she was all soft and muzzy from sleep.

He kissed her again.

Randi was aware of his mouth before she opened her eyes.
Travis,
she thought drowsily as pleasure welled inside her, teasing her slowly awake.
Travis, I love you.

Her lips parted under his. Like the petals of a flower opening to the sun, he thought, deepening the kiss.

Randi sighed into his mouth. She felt the pleasure grow, creep sweetly along her nerve endings, intensify.

“Lord, kitten,” he breathed as her arms slid enticingly around his neck, “if you keep this up, we’ll miss breakfast, and there won’t be time to shower or…”

The tip of her tongue lightly probed the corner of his mouth, an erotic touch she’d learned from him, and he groaned. “Sweetheart, we’re dockin’ in an hour…”

She tugged playfully at his lower lip with her tee—thanother thing he’d taught her.

“Randi,” he said, his voice thickening as he felt her move sensually against his bare chest, “we’ll be late if we don’t…”

Reckon we’ll be a little late.
It was his last coherent thought as he took her mouth with his.

“H
I
, M
OM
! H
I
, Travis!” Matt shouted from the rear window of a gray sedan before the car even stopped. “We’re here!”

Sarah grinned and waved as Steve cut the engine. She got out and came around to get her nephew, who was ensconced in his car seat, which they’d removed from Randi’s car and installed in Steve’s for the trip.

But before Sarah could reach her nephew, Randi and Travis were already there. “Hiya, Tiger!” Travis flung the door wide.

“Hi, darling!” Randi bent to kiss her son as his father helped him out of the seat.

Matt endured hugs from both, but it was clear his interest was drawn elsewhere. “Wow!” he exclaimed as he took in the
Sarah Anne’s
gleaming hull. “Is that Sarah’s boat?”

Sarah looked abashed as Travis and Randi’s gazes swung to her. “Uh, all I did was explain how she was named after me—honest! I tried to tell him she’s Daddy’s, but…” She shrugged. “You know how kids get an idea in their heads sometimes and…” She shrugged again.

Randi laughed while Matt tugged at Travis’s arm, obviously bent on dragging him to the yacht for a closer look. “I do,” she said, “but I suspect this is your first acquaintance with the phenomenon in such a, uh, single-minded form.”

“Don’t be too sure of that,” Sarah said with a laugh. “Remember, I grew up with Travis.”

“So you’ve noticed the similarities, too, huh?” Randi murmured as she fondly watched father and son inspecting the boat.

“Yes,” Sarah replied. “But I won’t hold that against the child. In fact, nothing can change my opinion of that little dynamo. What a great kid!”

“Thanks for minding him, Sarah.”

“A pleasure, and, uh—” she glanced at Travis who. stood before the yacht with Matt perched on his shoulder, Matt chattering away a mile a minute “—how’d things go, if you don’t mind me bein’ little-sister nosy?”

Randi flushed. “Well, we…Sarah, I’d like it very much if you were a bridesmaid at our wedding. Do you think you might?”

“With bells on!” Sarah cried, giving her a hug. “Oh, Randi, I’m so glad!”

“Travis?” Matt queried, eyeing the display as his father walked him toward the women. “Why’s Mom sad ‘bout Sarah huggin’ her?”

“I don’t think she’s sad, son.” Travis’s throat closed.
Son.
Soon, he’d be using the word in a more literal way—after he and Randi made sure their son understood exactly how it had that literal meaning.

“People—” he swallowed thickly “—people sometimes cry when they’re happy, Matt.”

Sarah introduced Steve, a tall soft-spoken man who looked at Sarah with adoring eyes. Travis invited them for coffee aboard the yacht; Sarah thanked him, but declined, because she and Steve were running behind schedule and had to hurry if they wanted to make their classes on time. There was an exchange of hugs and promises of seeing one another soon.

As they drove off, Matt gave the couple a last wave, then glanced at Randi and Travis. “Steve’s okay, even if he doesn’t talk much,” he said consideringly, then his whole face brightened. “But I like my good buddy, Sarah, the bestest. She’s neat!”

“She sure is, Tiger,” Travis agreed, “and so’s her, uh, boat. Would you like to sail on it?”

Matt’s eyes widened. “Oh, wow! Can I, Mom? Can I?”

Chuckling, Travis hoisted him to his shoulders and put his arm around Randi before she could respond. “It was your mom’s idea, Tiger. And there’s even somethin’ better we’re all gonna do.” He winked at Randi.

Matt slanted questioning eyes at his mother.

“How’d you like to sail on the
Sarah Anne
with us and then sleep there tonight?” she asked with a grin.

“Really?” Matt said, and when she nodded, he broke into a cheer.

“Whoa there, Tiger!” Travis cautioned as the child’s enthusiasm threatened to unseat him. He swung him to the ground and the two adults took him by the hand as they approached the boarding ramp.

“Before we sail, though, son,” Travis added, “we’re all gonna have a little talk, okay?”

“Okay,” Matt said cheerfully. “‘Bout what?”

“The three of us,” his father explained as he met Randi’s shining eyes over their son’s tousled curls, “are gonna have a talk—about daddies.”

And miracles,
Randi added silently, swallowing past the lump in her throat as they climbed aboard.
Miracles…and answered prayers.