Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (19 page)

Setting firm boundaries allows you to feel comfortable in any situation, particularly when you are with an intrusive mother. It takes practice and restraint, but do not respond to your mother’s reaction in a hostile manner. Set the boundary and, if she does not respect it, remove yourself from the situation. You can set healthy boundaries kindly and courteously. You do not have to act angry, resentful, or defensive. You are making a statement and drawing your line in the sand for what you need, how you feel, and sometimes to make a point about what is not okay. Rather than engage in an argument, simply state your boundary over and over until your mother takes your point.

Another strategy for dealing with your mother may be to consider mother-daughter therapy sessions.

Taking Mother to Therapy

When I ask my clients the question “Would your mother attend therapy with you to discuss mother-daughter issues?” most laugh and even scoff a bit. The more narcissistic your mother is, the less likely she will choose to attend therapy with you to address your feelings about your relationship. It is difficult and sometimes impossible for a narcissist to feel her own feelings. She typically projects her emotions onto others and is unable to reach inside to sort and feel. Remember, you can’t heal what you cannot feel, so narcissistic mothers usually tend to stay away from their inner emotional life. If your mother has never dealt with feelings or owned her own issues, therapy will be a waste of time. Many mothers walk out of therapy sessions when the issues relate to something that they have done wrong or that is hurtful to the daughters. It is typical of the full-blown narcissist to blame her daughter even in therapy and in front of the therapist.

This puts you in a horrible bind—you yearn for a healthy relationship with your mother and are willing to put the work in, but your mother refuses the notion that she needs help.

• Rosanne, 30, tells me, “I couldn’t get my mom to go to therapy with me. But while I was in therapy, I talked to her about it. She was a freakin’ basket case! She denied everything. All I wanted to hear was ‘I’m sorry’ and all she could do was cry and say she had such a horrible daughter. Crying. Victim. No empathy. I would never ask her to go to therapy again.”
  
• Monica’s mother tried going to therapy with her, but ended up fighting the process and blaming Monica, while also worrying about her image as a mother. “Going to therapy with Mom was a trip! She would go, but it was a disaster. She got very defensive and it really was an exercise in her not hearing a word I was saying because she was too concerned about herself and how she looked to the therapist.”
  

In many situations, mothers who have fewer narcissistic traits are actually open to learning and growing. With these mothers, there is hope that healing can happen between mother and daughter both in therapy and outside of therapy. Most daughters know instinctively if their mother is a candidate for this or not. They can tell based on their prior experiences with Mom when they attempted to discuss feelings or difficulties in communicating. Even though it is hard for mothers to deal with, some can look at themselves clearly and decide they want to work on the important relationship with their daughter or daughters.

My client Gerda, 62, admitted to having some narcissistic traits and was also a daughter of a mother with severe NPD. She had had significant pain in her own relationship with her late mother, whose emotional hold was as strong as it had ever been. Gerda could see the negative effects on her life and how these had affected her own parenting. She truly wanted to work on healing with her three daughters. Unfortunately, the daughters were too hurt and saddened to try. They had given up on Gerda and did not believe in her ability to change, so the mother-daughter sessions have yet to take place. Being ever hopeful, I think there will be a day when I can see them all together. Sometimes daughters have to do their own recovery work first in order to be ready to face Mom and all that therapy entails. The daughters are young and still have some work to do, but are lovely people about whom I feel very hopeful in the long run.

Time is a big factor to consider when determining if you will do therapy with your mother or not. Sometimes the timing is not right and it is more productive to wait until all parties are ready. The mother, Gerda, was able to step back, do her own recovery and address the generational issues with her daughters. I rarely see this, and I continue to tell her she is amazing and I am so proud of her.

If you do begin mother-daughter therapy and your mother is abusive or emotionally shut off and blames you for everything, I suggest that you stop the session and talk alone with the therapist. Ask whether or not it seems productive to continue having your mother in session with you. The therapist should be your ally in this recovery process and helpful to you. Your sessions should not perpetuate the abuse and blame that your mother has already heaped on you. If you feel strongly that you do not want to continue with your mother and your therapist disagrees, you will need to take some time to think about your decision carefully. In the end, trust your own intuition about whether or not the time is right.

What to Tell Mother About Your Own Therapy

This book gives the steps in the recovery program that I use with my clients so that you can do your own personal therapeutic work. That said, working with a therapist one on one can be extremely beneficial for you during this time as well. If you decide to go this route, please keep in mind that it is up to you and you alone whether or not to tell your mother that you are even attending therapy. Therapy is a confidential relationship for a reason, and no one needs to know you attend unless you want to tell them. This includes your mother.

If you decide to tell her, you should also decide how much you want to share with her. You may choose to inform her that you are attending, but tell her that you do not plan to share this private experience with her. If she pushes for information, gently set up your boundaries. If these do not work, set even firmer boundaries. An example of each is below.

A gentle boundary: “Mother, I appreciate your interest in my therapy, and when I am ready to discuss it with you, I will likely do that. I am still in the midst of some confusion and trying to understand myself better and want to get further along before I can discuss it clearly and appropriately with you. Thank you for understanding that.”

A firm boundary: “Mother, I need to be very clear with you that my therapy is confidential and I do not discuss it with anyone. It is designed to help me with some issues I am experiencing in
my
life right now. Do not ask me about it, as I do not plan to share that information with you.”

You can preface these boundaries with “I care about you and your feelings,” or “I love you, Mom, but…” If Mother acts hurt or gets angry, it is her job to take care of her own feelings, not your job to fix them. Detach from the scene and let it be her problem—which it is. Remember, setting boundaries is not a mean thing to do; it is a healthy exercise in taking good care of yourself. Typically, we daughters know this, but because Mother is good at making us feel guilty, it is sometimes difficult to do. Remind yourself that you do not create feelings in other people. Each person is responsible for his or her own feelings and reactions and therefore must also be accountable for them.

The Real Work Is Within

As I am sure you are finding out, dealing with your mother is much easier after working on your own recovery. The reasons for this change are many: You are less reactive to her projections; you can set clear boundaries; because of your grief work, she is less able to trigger your pain; and because you have accepted that she has limitations, you no longer have great expectations of her. Regardless of whether or not you are practicing a complete separation, a temporary separation, or the civil connection, your success is determined by your own internal healing.

What If Mother Is Deceased?

If your mother has passed away, you will not be engaging in some of the exercises above. Nonetheless, your internal healing is still a must. I have treated many daughters who continue to have legacy issues throughout their lives even after their mother has died. The nasty messages stay stuck until you consciously loosen and release them from within you. Working on your recovery is necessary for you to be healthy.

Let’s explore a deeper understanding of your mother and her background.

Understanding Mother’s Makeup

Because most daughters are codependent, it is a bit tricky to ask daughters of narcissistic mothers to take some time to understand their mother’s background, origins, and how she became who she is. By doing this, you won’t let her off the hook, minimize your own pain, or make your wounds suddenly invisible again. You will not be making it “all about Mom” again. But this exercise can help settle your insides and give you a grasp of the larger picture. To use an analogy, let’s imagine that I am going to hike or climb to the summit of a very high mountain with complex topography. I know that I will have to start at the bottom and work my way up and I imagine that I will have many obstacles to overcome as I go. If I could fly over this mountain in a helicopter first or look at a good map to see what I am up against in the big picture, it would prepare me better for the climb. The map or overview would not diminish the difficulty of my journey or my efforts; it would simply assist in my overall planning and ultimate success. The same is true if you better understand where your mother comes from. This work is to help
you.

So to start with, try to find out if your mother had a narcissistic parent—mother or father. It is very likely that she did. You can take some of the characteristics we have defined in this book and ask her those very questions about her parents. Many narcissistic mothers are quite willing to talk about their backgrounds if it does not involve something that they did. My parents, for example, were able to give several vivid examples of their parents’ behaviors. We had a very animated, pleasant, but admittedly short discussion; nonetheless, it was better than none. I was able to trace some of the family legacy from this and use it to explain some of my own experience with my grandparents.

Next, you can ask relatives. Aunts, uncles, and cousins are great resources. Living grandparents who are not narcissistic are another great resource. Sometimes, after a narcissistic spouse passes, a relative is more willing to share thoughts and memories.

Of course, these discussions cannot take place in many families. If your family would not countenance it, you know it. Just let it go. Do not cause yourself unneeded drama if you are sure it won’t be successful. Trust your own intuition. I know of some daughters who pushed the issue with relatives and, when it did not work out well, blamed themselves for it. I do not want that to happen for you.

Other resources include close friends of the family who knew your parents and grandparents well. Although rare these days, some families still live in the same towns and cities where the whole extended family grew up.

If you cannot get specifics about narcissism, you can ask your mother general questions about her upbringing. Questions such as:

• Did you have a happy childhood?
  
• Did you feel loved by your parents?
  
• Did you feel you got enough attention growing up?
  
• Did your parents talk to you about feelings?
  
• Were you listened to and did you feel heard?
  
• How were you disciplined when your parents were upset with you?
  
• Were you encouraged as an individual or did you have to fit the mold for the family image of what was expected?
  
• Was your mother or father particularly concerned about what others thought?