Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (20 page)

The more you can learn about your mother’s background, the better you will understand her and why she acts the way she does. She most likely was an unmothered child herself who has her own significant trauma in her background.

When attempting to retrieve further information, however, you may feel as if you’re digging in the dark. Be prepared for her to have a lot of denial about her own childhood. While your mother will likely not be the best reporter of information, see what she is willing to share. Accept whatever that is.

Also look at your mother’s parenting as influenced by her generation and time. A multitude of factors influence how every mother parents.

Historical Perspectives

We are all shaped significantly by societal values and expectations of parenting. Each generation seems to have its own set of parenting philosophies and beliefs with which to contend, so one generation may contradict the next. See the birth markers as defined by
Generations: Working Together,
below.
³
As examples, I have listed the women in my legacy. You can do the same to gain some perspective of the big picture of your own family.

Parenting beliefs across the ages have gone from “spare the rod and spoil the child” and “children should be seen and not heard” to the attitude of baby boomers who try to build their children’s self-esteem without requiring them to become competent in academic and social skills. That’s a seismic shift right there. Many would say, “How in the world does anyone raise a child in the right way?”

Baby boomer mothers moved from the Donna Reed model of the stay-at-home, baking cookies, be-there-at-all-times mother, to highly educated mothers who had careers outside the home. The prevailing concept of womanhood at the time I had my first child, for example, was undergoing a cultural revolution. Mothers became feminists, joined demonstrations for equal rights, and began careers. Family structure changed: Divorce, latchkey kids, single-parent homes, and day-care centers became common, where they had been unfamiliar to the previous generation. My own daughter, in a fit of anger one day, called me a “house-divorcée,” somehow getting the unspoken message that it was no longer appropriate to call her mother a “housewife.”

Baby boomer mothers paved the way for their daughters to have better education and health care, and equal access to schools and careers. They created choices that women did not previously have. Yet some of their Gen X daughters believe that, while their mothers were doing this, the family suffered and the daughters felt secondary to their mothers’ career aspirations. This controversy requires sensitive communication between mothers and daughters, but the mothers’ commitment to self-development and career success is
not
the same as narcissism, unless the mothers display narcissistic traits. At the same time, baby boomer mothers need to acknowledge their Gen X daughters’ feelings and understand that they can relate to some of the daughters in this book. Understanding, empathy, and communication are the keys for resolution.

In any case, given the effects of their culture, society, and history on our mothers and grandmothers, it is not surprising that they didn’t know how best to be parents much of the time. It is safe to say that many parented in the way that they were parented. Having some understanding of the historical perspective makes it a bit easier to understand how maternal attitudes and behavior can change from one generation to the next and vulnerable girls grow up to become narcissistic mothers.

That said, however, I am not offering an excuse, but only fodder for further understanding. I do believe that for any generation the trademark of good mothering is the ability to give authentic love and empathy, and physical and emotional care, no matter the historical moment.

With this understanding of our mothers’ histories, let’s look now at the complicated concept of forgiveness.

Forgiveness

The word “forgiveness” is laden with meaning and misunderstanding. Many daughters were taught at a very early age that nice girls forgive and forget. The clear message is that we are expected to forgive anyone who has hurt us because it is the right thing to do.

While I do believe in the rightness and importance of forgiveness and in the emotional benefits it can give you, I do see it in a different light. Forgiveness is positive and healing when we can see that the person’s intentions were not to hurt us. But we do ourselves no good when we try to deny the pain we felt. And we can actually set ourselves up for further harm when we don’t deal with the reality that we were hurt and that the person is likely to hurt us again—whether inadvertently or on purpose.

Many people misconstrue forgiveness as somehow condoning the original offending behavior, as if saying that it is all right. But I believe that accountability is crucial for mental health. So I counsel you to pardon only someone who is accountable for her behavior, when she has owned up to it, has become conscious of it, and is truly sorry for having done it. While this may sound harsh, not many narcissistic mothers do this, so I do not advocate pardons for most of them.

I do advise that you practice a kind of inner letting go, however—for your own good. Daughters of narcissistic mothers have been unloved, and many have been abused physically, sexually, and emotionally. We do not condone bad mothering. We do not condone ignoring the basic needs and rights of children. But you do have to let go of this past internally, so that you, the daughter, can also let go of your anger, rage, and sadness. You forgive by forgoing these negative emotions so that you can go on for the rest of your life.

Step One of the grief process allows you to accomplish the internal letting go. Afterward, you will have an internal feeling that is more neutral; you will no longer have the intense emotions you once associated with your mother. This neutrality allows you to keep that feeling of letting go. It feels like internal forgiveness. It is your gift to yourself. As my client Kenna shares:

• “Although I could never talk about emotions with my mother—she has the emotions of a doorknob—I am now able to say I love her. The funny thing is she didn’t even notice that I didn’t say this before. I now get that this recovery and forgiveness deal is for me. It feels so good.”
  

This kind of forgiveness is an understanding of your mother that allows you to grow past your old feelings of being a saddened, hurt child. This kind of forgiveness feels adult-like. Lewis Smedes, in
Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve,
puts it like this:

My theory and practice of forgiveness is not the only way. Many daughters find it helpful to draw on their religious or spiritual backgrounds to help them forgive. Twelve-step addiction programs advocate that true forgiveness is when you can wish the person well who has hurt you and pray for her to have all that she wishes for. They also take it a step further and suggest that you pray for the hurtful person to have all the things that you want for yourself—health, wealth, and happiness. Henry Nouwen writes in
The Only Necessary Thing
:

My main concern for your recovery is that the form of forgiveness that you choose to implement eradicates blame so thoroughly that you have no traces of feeling like a victim. For if you continue to live in a victim mentality, you are at risk of defining your life based on your wounds. That would mean that you were allowing yourself to be controlled by your mother’s failures. Being free from the feeling of victimization is a true sign of recovery.

Mother’s Gifts

It is important to remember that no person is all good or all bad. Whether your mother has narcissistic traits or has a full-blown NPD, she has some goodness in her. She likely passed along talents, passions, interests, and knowledge to you. Remind yourself of the gifts she has given you. They might be artistic, musical, mechanical, body shape or size, texture of hair, beautiful eyes, smooth skin, or something like the ability to paper a wall without a single wrinkle.

Write in your journal about the gifts your mother has bestowed upon you and allow yourself to feel gratitude. When I was a small child, my grandmother used a significant, repetitive phrase with me. If I ever attempted to say anything bad about anyone, she would sit me on her lap and gently tell me, “If you look hard enough, you can always find the gold in people.” I have certainly found this to be true. Look for the gold and those gifts in your mother. It will help you more than you may realize right now. Suzie read this to me from her journal:

Love, Not Blame: The Look of Recovery

My hope for you includes all of the following: You now view yourself with an inner knowing and a sense of love. You replaced the anxiety and unease of your childhood with a flood of gratitude for having been given life
and
this important journey to undertake. You now understand that the path you were given to travel was and is full of life lessons worth treasuring. You have recognized that you have an inner wisdom that you can now share with your children, others whom you love, and the world. You now see that your mother gave you special gifts, although they were disguised and hidden in trauma, that you can now appreciate.

You are accountable for your own life. You depend on yourself to manage your emotions. You are an adult with a solid sense of self. You take yourself seriously and are no longer filled with self-doubt. You have stepped out of the shadows of a childhood filled with anxiety into the sunshine of confidence and competence.

Now you are ready to complete the healing journey by undertaking the final step to ending the legacy of your narcissistic mother.

ENDING THE NARCISSISTIC LEGACY

I
n this chapter, you’ll learn how to use your awareness of the narcissistic legacy and your desire to change it, to stop it from being passed along to your own children. Daughters of narcissistic mothers commonly express fears that they may have learned or acquired narcissistic traits that then adversely affect their most intimate relationships in the roles of mothers, lovers, and friends. Elan Golomb, in
Trapped in the Mirror,
expresses this worrisome thought: “If the parent has a narcissistic bent, the pressure to copy is strong.”
²

A Look at Parenting

For readers who have children, this topic is of great importance. Many women I’ve interviewed express fears about their own parenting. Young mothers are typically more optimistic about their parenting skills, but as they and their children get older, some women begin to see some familiar effects of narcissistic behavior in their children. Understandably they begin to panic.

• “I tried to do everything different from my mother in raising my own children, and we still had problems. What can I do now that they are becoming teens and young adults?” pleads Scarlett, who is now in her fifties. “I see my children not being accountable for their behavior and using substance abuse as a way to numb feelings. This terrifies me.”
  

Here’s what I believe happened in my own pass down to my children (admittedly, this is only my perception and my children may disagree). As I was growing up, I had pinpointed many things that I did
not
want to do as a parent, and as an adult, I spent years studying child development and psychology to support me in changing generational patterns. From the moment my first child was born, I worked earnestly to parent differently. Despite all of this, I learned the hard way that how we behave in general
shouts
at our children, while our direct parenting interactions with them seem more like whispers. Even though I did everything I could to be as good a parent as possible, I still ended up modeling for them that I did not feel good enough within myself. This went on for a long period of time, until I entered my intensive recovery program. Of course, I never told my children that they were not good enough (nor did I ever believe that for a minute), but they saw in my own struggle for worthiness how I viewed myself. It feels as if I inadvertently modeled that nasty message and so passed it on against my will. In my clinical research, I have seen the same with other daughters.

The behaviors and attitudes that we model for our children are of the utmost importance. Because we can unconsciously pass along negative beliefs and attitudes, our own recovery as mothers is a
must.
I am dedicated to educating other women about this risk and necessity so that we can all work to eradicate the painful legacy of narcissism from our lives and our children’s lives.

I am sure I have many other blind spots as a parent. My commitment to myself and my children is to keep all doors open for healing. I encourage you to do the same. To open the passageway for new understanding of each other is a great gift, one that for most adult daughters could never become more than a dream because our own mothers could not be open to change. The good news is that it is entirely possible to change for our children and to change their legacy.

Begin to assess your own parenting. Acknowledge the painful reality that it is impossible to be a child of a narcissist and not be
somewhat
impaired narcissistically. Anyone raised this way has probably acquired a few traits of narcissism. I know this is not what you want to hear—I had trouble admitting it to myself—but you must face this before you can attempt to remedy it.

Remember that narcissism is a spectrum disorder. Full-blown narcissistic personality disorder sits at the extreme negative end of the continuum, but most people exist around the other end. Most people have some self-regard, and this is normal.

When you begin to work on accountability in this area, you may find that no one around you is as supportive or reassuring as you would like. Your own inner voice may chime in and tell you this is yet another sign of “not being good enough.” I want to be clear and supportive with you on this matter: Identifying your own narcissistic traits and working on them
is
responsible and self-nurturing, and it proves that you are taking yourself and your recovery seriously. The greatest gift you can give yourself is to learn to manage and control your own feelings and behavior. Remember, your recovery is lifelong. You can’t tie it to one minute or the next. There is no need to feel shame or guilt. You are taking yourself out of the “victim” role and developing an adult self that is strong, self-reliant, and loving—a self that is quite
good enough.

You do not travel alone in your desire to be a good-enough parent. Few things in life carry the responsibility and weight of being a mother. The same awareness and desire also carry forward into being a grandmother and a great-grandmother. Your maternal instinct to do it right is a deep longing of the female soul. We all make mistakes and wish we could do better. When we make mistakes with our kids, it is difficult to let ourselves off the hook, because the errors affect those we love the most. Even if you had no narcissism in your background, it would still be impossible to be a perfect parent. I have yet to meet one. In fact, if someone ever came to me in my role of mental health provider and claimed to be perfect in the parenting realm, I would likely grab the
DSM
and begin to assess some kind of delusional disorder. I will always remember the day that my best friend, Kay, said to me after discussing some parental mistakes we both made, “I sure do like you better, Karyl, now that you have taken yourself out of the race for mother of the year!”

Below are key tools to parenting in a healthy manner—without narcissism.

Empathy

Empathy tops my list, as it is the cornerstone for love. Lack of empathy is, of course, a trademark of narcissistic mothers. Empathizing with your children is feeling what they are feeling and acknowledging those feelings. It is the art of compassion and sensitivity, as well as the ability to give moral support in whatever they are experiencing. You do not have to agree with them, but you are there for them. You put aside your own feelings and thoughts for the moment and tune in to their emotional needs to attempt to understand where they are coming from and why. Instead of citing rules or trying to give advice and direction, try this empathy exercise instead.

To empathize involves identifying the feelings your child is expressing and telling him or her that you recognize the feeling in the moment: “I hear that you are angry.” “You are feeling sad.” “I see that you are very upset.” Being able to show empathy to a child at any age makes him or her feel real as well as important as a person.

This is difficult to do when a child is upset with you. Whenever you find your child’s feelings to be threatening or upsetting, remember that empathizing is not agreeing, it is acknowledging a real feeling. For example, my five-year-old granddaughter asked for a cookie before dinner. I said, “No, we can have one after dinner.” In a typical five-year-old manner, she then said, “I hate you, Nana.” Well, I know she doesn’t hate me and so does she, but she was angry that she did not get a cookie right then, and that was okay. I was able to say to her, “Honey, I know you don’t hate your Nana, but you are mad right now because you want that cookie, and I understand that. I would like to have a cookie, too, right now, but we have to wait until after dinner. It is okay to talk about our mad feelings, though, and I am glad you told me.” In this example, my granddaughter needed to feel validated and acknowledged—then she was just fine. The temptation in situations like this is to get angry back at the child and even punish her, which only makes the child feel as if she has to stuff or muffle her own feelings. Your anger or punishment will also make the situation worse, and feelings will escalate.

Older children and teens often are purposely disrespectful to you. In this situation, you do have to set boundaries, but in order for your child to feel heard, you still have to acknowledge the feelings behind the words. For example, an out-of-control teen may call her mother a derogatory name because she is angry about not being able to go to the mall, but the mother must set limits and consequences for this abusive behavior. At the same time, she can acknowledge the feeling that the child is upset. It is surprising to parents, the first time they do this, how effective it is in deflating kids’ balloons of anger. The child can often become more reasonable because she has been seen and heard. She has been given a voice.

When my son was about 12 years old, he came home from school one day very angry and began throwing things around in a huff. When we later sat down to dinner, he picked up a plate and slammed it on the table. My first instinct was to tell him to knock it off and go to his room, but I said, “Honey, something is terribly wrong. You are very angry. Let’s talk about what is wrong.” This immediately deflated the big red balloon of anger and he was able to express his feelings of being upset with his sister for something I can’t really remember. I know now, and knew then, that if I had sent him to his room or immediately punished him, his behavior would have escalated and we probably would never have gotten to the true feelings. Whatever he was angry about was much less important than acknowledging his feelings at the moment. He got to have a voice and be heard, and I was rewarded by no broken dishes!

Accountability

Being accountable for your own feelings and behavior is vital to your mental health and peace of mind. As daughters of narcissistic mothers, what we saw most of the time was the “blame game” in action. Mother was typically not accountable for her behavior or feelings and projected them constantly onto others—and particularly onto us.

When you are practicing accountability, you adopt a viewpoint that says, No matter what happens to me, it is my responsibility to manage my own feelings and behavior. No one can create my feelings, cause me to drink, force me to be aggressive toward others, make me depressed, make me hit or yell at my children, or drive too fast, or not follow the law, etc. I make my own decisions and have choices about almost everything. I am only a victim if I choose to be one.

It is also important to teach your children that they need to be accountable for their behavior. You do that by setting boundaries and limits for them and imposing safe, healthy consequences on them whenever they overstep these limits. You do not use harsh disciplinary techniques or anything that smacks of shame or humiliation. You provide and consistently enforce boundaries about right and wrong with consequences that are age-appropriate.

If children are not taught accountability for their actions, they grow up with a feeling of entitlement, which is a trait of narcissism.

Entitlement

While it is important for our children to feel special in our eyes, it is not important for them to feel special in everyone’s eyes. It is imperative that they truly believe other people’s needs are just as important as theirs. You can teach your children that by modeling respect for others, and by teaching them to appreciate that each individual has his own special qualities to bring to the world. A child can learn to see herself as unique, but also as one of many people in a large community of human beings on earth. She does not have to stand out from the crowd to be fulfilled or have peace within. To ensure that you are not encouraging entitlement in your children, focus on guiding, directing, and assisting them in gathering a sense of consciousness about their place in the world around them and their connections and responsibilities to others.

Many parents seem to be pressuring their kids in academics and sports to be the best at all costs. This pressure to “have” and to “achieve” too often bypasses basic principles of personal accountability. Do not overrate your child’s abilities or talents. Be realistic about her accomplishments and give her credit for what she does achieve. Be involved in her successes and praise her for what she accomplishes, but don’t push her to the point that she feels “not good enough” for not living up to your expectations. This can create confusion, resentment, and a sense of entitlement in your child.

Values

Teaching children values is crucial to their development, but of course you first have to know what you believe in and what you don’t. In talking to hundreds of people in psychotherapy sessions over the years, I am constantly amazed at how many folks don’t know what to say when I ask them about their worldview or their value system. Since you’ve gone through your own recovery, however, you now have an understanding of your beliefs and values. I hope that you see how crucial it is to teach the importance of honesty, integrity, kindness, empathy and compassion for others, forgiveness, healthy self-esteem and self-care, and the difference between what is right and wrong. These days, many parents seem to pay more attention to how their child looks than to how he or she treats others.

The best way to teach a value system is to model it for your children. Show them that values matter by dealing with them and others honestly, kindly, compassionately, and with integrity. Teach them the importance of self-respect and self-care by taking good care of yourself. Use examples from the neighborhood, television, movies, school, and the daily news to discuss your values. Whatever activity your child is involved in can become a classroom for teaching a value and modeling right from wrong. Be careful not to be harsh, critical, or judgmental. Simply express and show how you would handle a situation kindly, assertively, and with integrity.