Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (22 page)
Read Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Online
Authors: Karyl McBride
Tags: #General, #Psychology, #Family & Relationships, #Interpersonal Relations, #Self-Help, #Family Relationships, #Personal Growth
A
M
I N
ARCISSISTICALLY
I
MPAIRED?
- Do I exaggerate my accomplishments and say I have done things I have not done? Do I act more important than others?
- Am I unrealistic about my thoughts and desires regarding love, beauty, success, intelligence? Do I seek power in these things?
- Do I believe that I am so special and unique that only the best institutions and the highest academic professionals could possibly understand me?
- Do I need to be admired all the time to the point of excess?
- Do I have a sense of entitlement and expect to be treated differently and with more status than others?
- Do I exploit others to get what I want or need?
- Do I lack empathy and therefore never see what others are feeling or needing? Can I put myself in other people’s shoes? Can I show empathy?
- Am I jealous and competitive with others or unreasonably, without logic, think that others are jealous of me?
- Am I a haughty person who acts arrogant and “better than” with my friends, colleagues, and family?
And I would add one more:
- 10. Am I capable of authentic love?
3
Very few daughters of narcissistic mothers would answer all of these questions in the affirmative, but you may see some areas that fit you. Use this list as a measuring stick for your personal growth. The two most important attributes for a healthy self and for motherhood are the ability to love and show empathy. Most daughters do possess an innate maternal instinct even though they may feel the need to polish it.
You are on your way to recovery. You have faced your past and yourself honestly and with a sense of urgency. By now you have experienced old pain and the dawn of a new freedom from your past as well as the freedom to become yourself. You know that you cannot heal the things you cannot feel, and you have opened yourself to a new, fearless way of thinking and living your life. You know how to express yourself and your needs directly and clearly. You have freed yourself from unrealistic expectations and can follow your own values and passions. My heart will always be with you as you continue on your lifelong path of recovery and discovery.
CHAPTER
1
1.
Elan Golomb, Ph.D.,
Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self
(New York: William Morrow, 1992), 180.
2.
American Psychiatric Association,
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
, 4th ed., text revision (Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 2000), 717.
CHAPTER
2
1.
Jan L. Waldron,
Giving Away Simone
(New York: Anchor, 1997).
2.
Terms of Endearment
, 1983 (movie).
3.
Pieces of April
, 2003 (movie).
4.
Postcards from the Edge
, 1990 (movie).
5.
Nicole Stansbury,
Places to Look for a Mother
(New York: Carroll and Graf, 2002), 95–96.
CHAPTER
3
1.
Rebecca Wells,
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
(New York: HarperCollins, 1996), 251.
2.
Gypsy: A Musical Fable
, 1959 (musical, directed by Jerome Robbins);
Gypsy
, 1962 (movie).
3.
Mermaids
, 1990 (movie).
4.
From poem “Dear Mommy” by Linda Vaughan, M.A., Denver, Colorado.
5.
Terms of Endearment
, 1983 (movie).
6.
Beaches
, 1988 (movie).
7.
The Other Sister
, 1999 (movie).
8.
Rebecca Wells,
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
(New York: Harper Collins, 1996), 60, 225.
9.
Billie Holiday, from
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
(New York: HarperCollins, 1996), 1.
10.
Michael Wilmington, movie review:
The Mother
, June 17, 2004 (www.chicago.metromix.com/movies/review/movie-review-the-mother/158925/content).
CHAPTER
4
1.
Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert Pressman,
The Narcissistic Family
(New York: Lexington Books, 1994), 18.
2.
Salvador Minuchin,
Families and Family Therapy
(Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1974).
CHAPTER
5
1.
Postcards from the Edge,
1990 (movie).
2.
Alexander Lowen, M.D.,
Narcissism: Denial of the True Self
(New York: Touchstone, 1985), ix.
3.
USA Today
, “Generation Y’s Goal? (Wealth and Fame),” January 10, 2007.
4.
Harris Interactive,
The Supergirl Dilemma: Girls Grapple with the Mounting Pressure of Expectations
(New York: Girls Incorporated, 2006), 3. See also http://www.girlsinc.org/ic/page.php?id=2.4.30.
5.
Ibid., 3.
6.
Audrey D. Brashich,
All Made Up
(New York: Walker, 2006), 67–68.
7.
Only Two Percent of Women Describe Themselves as Beautiful:
article at www.dove.com/real_beauty/news.asp?id=566, 2004.
8.
Information regarding brachioplasty surgery and cost from PlasticSurgeons.com.
9.
Allure
magazine, September 2006, 118.
10.
Brashich,
All Made Up
, 65.
CHAPTER
6
1.
According to Wikipedia, Mary Marvel is a comic book super-heroine who first appeared in 1942. She is the twin sister of Captain Marvel’s alter ego, Billy Batson. Mary and her brother Billy were orphans. When calling upon her special powers, she is transformed into an adult version of her late mother.
2.
Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert Pressman,
The Narcissistic Family
(New York: Lexington Books, 1994), 133.
3.
American Psychiatric Association,
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
, 4th ed., text revision (Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 2000), 717.
4.
“Introduction of the Impostor Syndrome,” online article at www.counseling.caltech.edu/articles/The%20Imposter%20Syndrome.htm.
5.
Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes, “The Impostor Phenomenon in High-Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention,”
Psychotherapy Theory, Research and Practice,
vol. 15, no. 3, fall 1978, 2.
6.
Marianne Williamson,
A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles
(New York: HarperCollins, 1992), 190–91.
CHAPTER
7
1.
Margaret Drabble,
The Peppered Moth
(Orlando, FL: Harcourt, 2001), 163.
CHAPTER
8
1.
Eric Fromm,
The Art of Loving
(New York: Bantam, 1956), 50.
2.
Rebecca Wells,
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
(New York: HarperCollins, 1996), 393.
CHAPTER
10
1.
Postcards from the Edge
, 1990 (movie).
2.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross,
On Death and Dying
(New York: Macmillan, 1969).
CHAPTER
11
1.
Elizabeth Strout,
Amy and Isabelle
(New York: Random House, 1999).
2.
Murray Bowen,
Family Therapy in Clinical Practice
(New York: Jason Aronson, 1978), 539.
3.
Ibid., 539–42.
4.
Ann and Barry Ulanov,
Cinderella and Her Sisters: The Envied and the Envying
(Philadelphia: The Westminster Press, 1983), 19.
5.
James F. Masterson, M.D.,
The Search for the Real Self: Unmasking the Personality Disorders of Our Age
(New York: Free Press, 1990), 42–46.
CHAPTER
12
1.
Agnes Repplier,
The Treasure Chest
(New York: HarperCollins, 1995).
2.
The concepts of “the internal mother” and “the collapse” are illustrated creatively in Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes’s spellbinding story collection on her CD
Warming the Stone Child
(Boulder, CO: Sounds True, Boulder, 1990).
3.
American Psychiatric Association,
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
, 4th ed., text revision (Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 2000), 715.
4.
Ibid., 468.
5.
Thomas J. Leonard,
The Portable Coach
(New York: Scribner, 1998), 19.
6.
Dr. James Gregory is a family practice physician at Gregory, Barnhart and Weingart, in Thornton, Colorado.
CHAPTER
13
1.
Victoria Secunda,
When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life
(New York: Dell, 1990), xv.
2.
Murray Bowen,
Family Therapy in Clinical Practice
(New York: Jason Aronson, 1978), 534.
3.
These categories are defined by the Mountain States Employers Council, Inc., in the booklet
Generations: Working Together
, 6.
4.
Lewis Smedes,
Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve
(San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1993).
5.
Henry Nouwen,
The Only Necessary Thing
(New York: Crossroad, 1999).
CHAPTER
14
1.
Alice Miller, online interview, 2006 www.alice-miller.com/interviews_en.php?page=2.
2.
Elan Golomb,
Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self
(New York: William Morrow, 1992), 199.
3.
American Psychiatric Association,
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
, 4th ed., text revision (Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 2000), 717.