Winning Him Without Words: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage (4 page)

Isolation steals our happiness, and bitterness breeds. We love our spouse, yet navigating our unequally yoked life proves thorny. Eventually we wonder if it is possible to thrive in our marriage.

Well, today, I have a single word for you: yes.

Yes, you can thrive. It
is
possible to live out your beliefs, love your spouse and overcome the faith barriers in your marriage. What I discovered after years of frustration and confusion is the first key to thriving in an unequally yoked marriage: You are not alone.

Recognizing that Jesus is with you always and is intimately involved in your marriage is life changing. Listen to this promise recorded in the book of Hebrews. It became my lifeline.

God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Heb. 13:5).

After a considerable amount of time, it finally clicked in my blonde brain that my husband’s unbelief wasn’t the problem in our life—
I
was the problem. I had unwittingly yet firmly established myself as the supreme ruler on the throne of my heart. As a well-known television personality would ask, “How’s that workin’ for ya?” I can respond, “It isn’t.”

It was time to kick myself off the throne of my life and let Jesus take His rightful place. Someone in my marriage needed to change and it wasn’t going to be my spouse (darn it!). Therefore, it was up to me. I took a brave step: I threw my self-centeredness off the throne of my life and firmly seated Christ there instead. When I did, Jesus began to move me from loneliness to authentic fulfillment.

I wasted years looking to my husband to fulfill my every longing. Finally, I realized it was impossible for him to measure up to the enormous expectations I’d assigned him. I wrongly believed that it was my mate’s responsibility to satisfy my every dream, desire or wish. What I discovered instead was that Jesus was the only One capable of fulfilling my longings.

This was a lightbulb moment for me. Placing Christ on the throne of my life allowed me to release my spouse from my ridiculous self-proclaimed entitlements. I turned to Jesus and He filled me with love, confidence and validation, giving freely everything I needed and more. When this happened, my spiritual journey, which had been stuck in infancy for years, energized. My love relationship with Christ came alive. From that time on, I experienced surprising changes. My love for my spouse exploded. Forgiveness came easier. Arguments diminished. The need to win at all costs disappeared. All of the struggles gone, swept away.

Joy returned to our home. Peace pervaded our relationship and, most astounding, my marriage was revitalized. I stopped placing unrealistic pressure on my mate. I found freedom and
so did my husband. He was free to seek the truth without my manipulation. Our relationship matured in intimacy, love and acceptance.

When we throw ourselves off the power seat and allow Jesus to fill our soul, heart and mind—our whole life—with His leadership, the troubling, painful and fearful circumstances of our life lose their power over us.

If we begin every day by placing Christ first in our lives, God is going to radically intervene. But how do we place Christ on the throne of our life? We will cover that in detail in
chapter 2
, but for now, I have a simple exercise that I want you to try that will help you get started. For the next 30 days, when you wake up, immediately step out of bed, fall to your knees and pray something like this:

Jesus, right now as I begin this new day, I surrender my place of authority over my life to You. I am placing You firmly on the throne of my life. Teach me to focus on Your desires for living. I give You my entire life this day. In Your powerful name, Jesus, amen
.

I think that the first time I fell out of bed to my knees, I felt a little strange. I wondered what my husband would think if he rolled over and saw me on the floor. I also was skeptical that a tiny prayer said straight out of bed could make a difference in my life. However, after about a week, this humbling practice brought me into a deeper relationship with the Lord. Placing Christ on the throne of my heart birthed a new perspective and a brand-new hope. I slowly started to believe that I could overcome the difficulties in my life, and Jesus could handle my unbelieving spouse.

Whispering this small prayer as I start my day gives me perspective as the events of the day unfold.

The changes in my relationship with God and my spouse emerged slowly, however, and for years I struggled with common issues we all face in a uniquely yoked marriage, such as:

• How can I be submissive to my husband when he is not a believer?

• I want to tithe, but he doesn’t agree. What can I do?

• How can I raise my children to know Jesus if my husband objects?

• How do I handle media choices?

These are defining and dividing issues between a believing spouse and a non-believing spouse. I looked to the Bible for godly advice and I found great wisdom there. But I still felt as if I needed guidance to apply the Word to my everyday life. I looked to my church, but I quickly discovered that specific teaching for the spiritually mismatched is a rarity on Sunday morning. However, I didn’t give up. I kept searching for others who actually knew what living with an unbeliever felt like.

I am convinced that in the early years of my marriage, I could have avoided the loneliness and many of our marital conflicts if someone had come alongside me with godly advice. I yearned for guidance, assurance and support to persist through the hills and valleys of marriage. I needed friends who understood my situation. I hungered for the wisdom of other like-minded believers.

You might be surprised to know that there are many spouses—men and women—who travel this strange road of
mismatchdom. Comfort comes from knowing there are others out there. We only need to seek each other out and connect. Recognizing that we are not the only person living in an unequally yoked marriage is a key aspect to restoring hope. Finding others and learning from them how to overcome major obstacles in a uniquely yoked marriage is life changing.

I first found this sort of friendship in a few unexpected places. First, I found it through a women’s Bible study. This environment provided a haven where I was free to discuss my faith and ask questions that I was unable to voice within my marriage. In this small group, I found strength and friendship. These women were Jesus with “skin on” to me. Connecting in a small-group setting with like-minded believers on a weekly basis renewed my spirit and refreshed my soul. I would return home with a smile and a kiss for my husband, filled with a fresh anointing of hope.

A few years later, I discovered a group of unequally yoked believers through the fantastic and strange world of the Internet. Through this online community, I found friends who were just like me, married to an unbeliever, dealing with the exact same challenges as I was. We shared (and continue to share) our struggles and our triumphs.

Among these fellow sojourners, I established understanding, friendship, prayer support, and love. These cyberbuddies became my extended family with whom I was safe to share my thoughts about God, marriage and my unbelieving spouse. This “online church” became my outlet for frustrations and a godly source of wisdom. Their highest priority was, and still is, to love and honor Jesus and their spouse. An online Christian group is indeed a strange lifeline. But God in His wisdom brought us together so that we might encourage each other toward living a life of abundance, specifically in our mismatched marriage. As the apostle Paul told the Thessalonians:

Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing (1 Thess. 5:11).

My online family is a diverse crowd of married believers. Some live with atheists; some with agnostics. There are those whose husbands practice different faiths such as Hinduism, Islam or Judaism. There are spouses who only praise the god of football, golf and some other weekend sport. There are those who are married to a spouse who professes Christianity but doesn’t walk the walk. Some have recently joined the uneven journey, and others have traveled the rugged road for more than three decades. Yet no matter how we started our journey or how long we have traveled, we share a common bond: our faith in Jesus Christ. We need each other.

Today, I invite you to leave your loneliness behind and find a community that understands you and will pray for you and love you. God works through people. We need you, and you need us. You can start by joining Dineen and me every day at our website,
www.spirituallyunequalmarriage.com
. You can also find us at our online discussion group,
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/1Peter3Living
. Founded in 2006, this group’s sole purpose is to encourage and support those who are committed to live out God’s commands found in 1 Peter 3:

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives. . . . Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers (1 Pet. 3:1,7).

In addition, don’t forget to look to your local church for a small Bible study group for a “skin on” community of people.

I never thought I would describe my spiritually mismatched marriage as
thriving
. But because of my vibrant relationship with Christ, my Bible study and my “skin on” buddies, I am able to say that I am at peace and thriving in my marriage, and so is my spouse. I am also able to wholeheartedly trust the Lord for my husband’s salvation.

Having Christ in my life enables me to view my husband as the wonderful man God created, regardless of our differing beliefs. Christ lavishes His love on me, so I can pour it into my spouse. Now when Sunday morning arrives, I walk into church and head for the front row. I am unaware if people notice that I’m physically alone. Jesus lives in me. Why should I feel lonely? In the front pew, I sing with gusto, offering praise to God for a marriage overflowing with love and contentment and authentic joy. I praise the Lord as the King of my heart.

Take a moment and ask God to meet you here through these questions, to bring freedom, resolution and encouragement to you. It’s your day to receive wild hope.

1. What was one particular season of loneliness in your mismatched marriage?

2. Looking at the lessons in this chapter, what specific points can help to move you from loneliness to fulfillment?

3. Begin the morning prayer practice discussed in this chapter. How will you remind yourself to fall from the bed to the floor? Write out the short prayer you will pray.

4. How do reading God’s Word and praying affect your marriage?

5. What does God’s Word say concerning an unbelieving spouse? (See 1 Corinthians 7:12-15.)

6. What three issues in your marriage will you commit to pray for daily?

Lord, thank You that I am never alone. You promised You would never leave me nor forsake me, and I will rest in this truth. Today I am committed to restoring happiness and hope to my marriage. Teach me to take my eyes off my circumstances and focus completely on You. I seat You firmly on the throne of my life
.

Father, today I recommit my life and my marriage to You. Create a powerful yearning in me to meet with You every day. Teach me Your truths to live by and reveal Your desire for my life and the life of my spouse. Restore optimism in my heart for our future. Empower me to cling to my faith when my husband is unfriendly toward You
.

Bring into my life other believers who are Jesus with “skin on.” Lord, lavish Your love on me that I may pour it into my spouse, my family and a world desperate for a Savior. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen
.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

JOHN 14:6

There is a rumor floating around our house that some crazed, five-foot-four-inch blonde woman is a
control freak
. Ahem, well, I begrudgingly admit that it’s true. It’s my nature to want to oversee just about everything in my home. And over the years I have become pretty good at controlling many things. I have also become frustrated beyond reason over the things I can’t control, such as my husband’s salvation. Can you relate?

Why is it that we women possess this innate desire for control? We want jurisdiction over every detail of our life and the lives of our kids, our pets, our husband and even our neighbors. We like it when the universe spins around our idea of what is right.

I remember when my control-freak self hit a high point of activity about 10 years into our marriage. I was growing as a believer, but my husband remained in the same place he had been on the day we had married, an atheist. At the time, I faithfully read my Bible and prayed every single day, “Lord, save my
husband.” However, God wasn’t answering me. I became confused and wondered why I was receiving the silent treatment.

Confusion turned to frustration; after all, the Bible told me that the salvation of my husband is God’s perfect will. I can, however, admit today that what I had been praying was a selfish prayer. I had imagined that my man’s salvation would make my life a great deal easier. Once saved, I reasoned, we would finally sit together in church as a couple. I had dreamed that he would encourage me to give our money to the ministries I loved. Once he came to faith, I was certain that he would insist on hosting a weeknight home group at our house. I just knew that if my husband would only become
saved
, we would live in marital bliss forever. I had lofty expectations; therefore, my self-proclaimed
calling
became bringing to the cross this lost soul whom I had married.

I went to work immediately. I diligently wrote Scripture verses on small index cards and strategically placed them around the house. My best work was the bright pink card taped to the bathroom mirror. I was convinced the Scripture verse on this card would compel my man to fall to his knees, moved by the truth. Then he would see the light. I envisioned him asking Christ into his life right there on the bathroom floor in his pj’s.