Wishes and Tears (15 page)

‘I feel horrid. Bloody horrid. I don't need all this. It hasn't exactly been a good day. So who's the father then?'

‘A fellow I met in London, at the Coronation. His name was Sam.'

‘Why didn't he marry you?'

She didn't answer.

‘Does he know?'

She shook her head.

He banged the steering wheel. ‘I loved you, Janet. I thought you were sweet and when I heard about that awful accident this morning I thought: Janet will understand. We'll get married and fly off into the sunset together. It all seemed like a dream, but now it's turned into a bloody nightmare.'

Tears trickled down her cheeks. ‘What are you going to do?'

‘I'm going to Canada. On my own.'

‘What about the wedding?'

‘I'm not marrying you, you little tramp. What if I find out you've got other dark little secrets you're hiding from me? She isn't black, is she?'

Janet shook her head. ‘I thought you'd understand. I made one silly mistake and it seems I'm going to suffer for it for the rest of my life.'

‘That was your decision. There was me thinking I was marrying Little Miss Innocent.'

‘Would it have made any difference if you had known about Paula?'

‘Well, I wouldn't have been so quick to marry you, that's for sure. Now if you'll kindly leave my car I'll be off home. Don't bother to get in touch.'

‘I thought you loved me.'

He didn't answer.

‘What about all the preparations for our wedding?'

‘That's your problem.' He started the engine.

‘I didn't think you would be like this,' she cried.

‘And I didn't think I'd be marrying someone else's castoff.'

‘Mark, please don't go. I love you.'

‘But not enough to tell me the truth about yourself. Goodbye, Janet.'

She got out of the car and Mark roared off.

She sat on the wall and cried. What would happen to her now? She knew she loved Mark and she didn't want to spend the rest of her life alone. Tomorrow she would go and talk to him. Perhaps he would feel different after he'd had time to think about it. He wouldn't let her down. She had chosen a bad time to tell him about Paula but she couldn't go to Canada with him.

She wiped her eyes. She didn't want to go in and face her parents. She would go for a walk. Tomorrow she would see Mark, and, with luck, everything would turn out just fine.

Janet called out her good nights and managed to get to her bedroom without her mother noticing her red eyes.

She stood behind the closed door and gently ran her hands over her white brocade taffeta wedding dress. With its long sleeves and sweetheart neck it was just perfect. Her veil and headdress were in a brown cardboard box on the floor. Would she ever wear them?

Her thoughts ran to the reception in the flower-decked church hall and that lovely two-tier cake - could all that be wasted? Surely Mark would have second thoughts after he'd had a night to think about it. Tomorrow she would go to see him. If his mother found out what had been said she would also try to make him see sense. But what if he'd made up his mind and really didn't want to marry her? What would her parents say? Was she about to bring them more disgrace? How could she stay and hold her head up in this village now? What was going to happen to her?

She sat on the edge of the bed and, burying her head in her hands, let her tears fall unchecked. Why had she let this happen? It was her fault. She knew she loved Mark and didn't want to lose him. Was she being stupid? Should she let her obsession with her daughter stand in the way of a lifetime of happiness? Would she ever find her? She had no idea how she'd even start looking for her. Had she set herself a hopeless task? The great idea was beginning to seem ridiculous.

Tomorrow she'd tell Mark that she would abandon her idea of finding Paula and go to Canada with him. But would he still want her? And could she ever really forget her little girl?

After getting undressed and into bed, she began to write in her diary. She knew sleep wouldn't come easily. Her mind was in a turmoil. This had been a terrible day. That one night with Sam was going to haunt her for the rest of her life. She had gone over and over in her mind the words she would use when telling Mark about her daughter. But the answers she thought she'd get from him had borne no resemblance to reality.

She slid down the bed and cuddled her rabbit, wondering what Freda would have to say if Mark decided not to marry her. She felt sick - all the expense her parents had had, and she'd let down Mr and Mrs Scott too. She buried her head in the pillow and, once again, cried.

 

The banging on her bedroom door startled her. The bright sunlight streaming through the window made her blink. She had difficulty opening her puffy eyes.

‘Janet, Janet? Are you awake?' Her mother's voice was loud and urgent.

‘Yes, Mother.'

The door opened and her mother stood in the doorway. Janet could see Mrs Scott right behind her.

‘My dear God. Just look at your face.'

She didn't have to, she knew her eyes were red and swollen.

Mrs Scott pushed past Irene Slater, waving a piece of paper. ‘He's gone,' she shouted. ‘My Mark's gone. What's happened between you two?' Her hand was trembling, causing the paper to rustle.

Janet began to cry again.

‘Please, Mrs Scott. You can see Janet's upset. Give her a chance to answer.' Irene turned to her daughter. ‘Have you two had a silly quarrel?'

Janet couldn't answer.

‘It's all just pre-wedding nerves,' Janet's mother tried to soothe.

‘Not according to this note. He's gone. He's taken his things and gone.'

That statement brought forth more tears from Janet.

‘Gone? Where? When?' Irene Slater stood wide-eyed.

Mark's mother read from the paper. ‘All it says is the wedding's off and I was to ask Janet to explain. Well? I'm waiting.'

Janet looked up at them. They looked like two lions waiting to pounce. What could she say?

‘Could I talk to my mother on her own?' she said in a low broken voice.

Mrs Scott looked put out. ‘Why?'

‘I need to.'

Mrs Scott tutted and left the room, closing the door behind her.

‘So?'

Janet blew her nose. ‘The wedding's off because I told him about Paula.'

‘Oh my God. You told him about that?'

Janet nodded.

‘When?'

‘Last night.'

‘That was very silly of you, especially at this stage. Why did you wait till now? I told you to tell him earlier!'

‘He wants to go to Canada.'

‘So what's wrong with that?'

‘I won't be able to look for my baby.' Tears flowed again.

Her mother seemed to grow before her eyes. She looked at the closed door and hissed. ‘I have never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life. You threw away the chance of a lifetime of happiness on some silly whim.'

‘It's not a silly whim.'

‘Of course it is. Have you given a thought to the people ...' she lowered her voice, ‘the people who adopted your child? Do you think they would want you poking your nose into their affairs, that's of course if you could find out where she was? Those kind of documents are very secret.'

‘I must find her.'

‘Stop talking nonsense. What if she doesn't want to be found? You can't go round ruining people's lives just because you feel like it.'

‘I must find her.'

‘Janet. Stop being so melodramatic and face facts. That is all in the past. You must think of her as dead.'

‘I can't. She's not dead.'

‘I'm beginning to lose my patience with you. Don't you think you've given your father and myself enough problems and now we've got this to contend with? You are a very selfish girl. Now what are we going to tell Mrs Scott?'

‘The truth—'

‘Oh no we are not. We will say that Mark got cold feet. That way the blame will not fall on your shoulders.'

‘Mother, you are a wicked hypocrite.'

‘How dare you? You have brought more than enough disgrace to this family. I am not going to stand by and see us all dragged into the gutter. Now you will do as I say.' She opened the door. ‘You'd better come in and hear it from Janet.' She gave her daughter a sweet sickly smile.

Janet let out a deep sob and the tears fell. She looked at her mother. ‘Mark had a bad day at work yesterday, and he wanted to get away. He wanted to go to Canada but I didn't, so he said the wedding's off.'

Mrs Scott sank on to the bed. ‘Is that it? Is that the only reason?'

Janet nodded.

‘Why wouldn't you go with him?'

‘She has her reasons,' interrupted her mother.

‘But why did he want to go that far away?' Mrs Scott sniffed and dabbed at her eyes. ‘What has he done?'

‘There was some kind of accident. It wasn't Mark's fault.'

‘So why did he run off?'

Janet didn't answer.

Panic filled Mrs Scott's face. ‘Oh my God. He hasn't killed somebody, has he? Are the police involved? Is he running away from the police?'

‘No.' Janet was filled with guilt.

‘He is all I had,' Mrs Scott wailed. ‘He was my only child.'

‘I know. I know how you must be feeling. I would have been upset too if our Janet had gone that far away.'

Mark's mother turned on Irene Slater. ‘Did you know about this? Did you stop her?' She pointed to Janet.

‘No, of course not. I'm just as upset as you. After all my daughter has been jilted.'

Janet couldn't stand it any longer. ‘Go away!' she screamed. ‘Leave me alone.' She threw herself back down on the bed and buried her head in the pillow.

With a look of disbelief they left the room.

 

It was late afternoon. Janet was still in bed. She lay staring at the window but not seeing anything. Her mother hadn't been back to her room. Janet's mind was going over and over last night. She loved Mark, and now she had lost him. Outside the birds were singing, it was a warm sunny day, but Janet felt nothing. All their plans, their future - all of it gone, and it was her fault. What would happen to her now? Would she ever find happiness again?

Her mother brought in a cup of tea. She stood at the foot of the bed. ‘So. What happens now?' she asked.

‘I don't know.'

‘Your father is a very unhappy man.'

‘He's
unhappy? How do you think I feel?'

‘Don't answer back. He has been trying to comfort Mrs Scott.'

‘I do feel sorry for her.'

‘Let's face it, my dear child, it has been all your doing. All these people you have made unhappy - I don't know how we are going to face the village after this.'

Janet looked at her mother and knew she had to get away, away from these narrow-minded people. But where would she go? London was her only hope, and the only people she knew there were Freda and Charlie, and Danny. Aunt Rose was no good to her in the circumstances. She'd be bound to betray her to her mother.

‘Janet, I think it's about time you came down and apologized to your father.'

‘Yes, Mother.'

When her mother left the room Janet got dressed and, after packing a few of her belongings into a small case, she scribbled a note. She stood and looked around her bedroom, wondering if she would ever see it again. She gently ran her fingers over her wedding dress and inwardly sobbed. Then quietly closing her bedroom door she crept down the stairs and left the house that had been her home for all those years.

Once again Janet was on the train to London. This time she knew it would be for good. She could never see herself returning to Stowford; she knew her parents wouldn't want her back.

Her mind was churning. She couldn't believe Mark had gone. They could have sorted something out. Tears stung her eyes, she slumped in her seat and turned her head to look out of the window, so that no one would see her crying.

She had to be practical. Her first priority was to get a job and somewhere to live. She had fifty pounds in her Post Office savings book, but that wouldn't last long.

A sudden thought came to her. Had Mark gone to his flat? If he was there perhaps they could talk this through. She began to feel a lot happier at the idea of seeing Mark again and how she would greet him brought a slight blush to her cheeks. She wouldn't say no to any of his requests this time.

She sat up, feeling better. He had had plenty of time to mull over all that had happened and if they sat and talked it might all work out for the good. The thought of seeing him again filled her with longing and she knew that when they were alone she would love him with every part of her body. There was even a slight spring in her step as she made her way to his flat.

Luckily she didn't have to pass Danny's car sales. She wondered if Mark had been there to see him. She didn't think so. What had happened yesterday had really upset him.

Mark's flat was the middle one in the large three-storey house. There wasn't a car outside, and when she rang the bell there was no reply. She rang again.

‘If you're looking for the bloke that lived there you're too late. He left very early this morning,' a young man with a mass of hair and a beard said as he came up the stairs. He continued on up the next flight of stairs.