Wishes and Tears (19 page)

Janet smiled and nodded. ‘Don't worry. Danny will look after her.'

‘He'd better. Don't they make a lovely couple?' Tina's mother smiled as she watched Danny and Tina dancing together. ‘I'm really looking forward to being a granny. They're off to Jersey, you know?'

‘Yes, Danny told me.'

‘Flying as well. You wouldn't get me up in one of them there things. I'd be worried to death it'd fall out of the sky.'

‘I think they're very safe.'

Tina's mum sang along with the band a bit, then suddenly said: ‘I hear your feller as good as left you at the altar. That must 'ave been rotten.'

‘Yes, it was.'

‘Went off to Canada then, didn't he?'

Janet winced. Had Danny told them everything?

‘My Tine said it was something to do with a car. Silly sod. And you wouldn't go with him. Couldn't have been up to much to run off like that. He couldn't have been the right one for you.'

‘I'll never know.'

‘Never mind, love.' She gently tapped Janet's hand. ‘You're a nice-looking girl. One day someone will come along and sweep you off yer feet.' She looked across at Danny and Tina and inclining her head towards them added, ‘Mind you, if 'e had done anythink like that my lot would have killed him.'

‘You don't have to worry about Danny.'

‘I hope not - for his sake.'

‘Jan, want to dance?' Danny was standing over them.

‘Why not?'

When she was in Danny's arms, she said, ‘You've married into a great family.'

‘They ain't bad.'

‘But beware.' She laughed. ‘Tina's mum's just been telling me what they'll do to you if you don't behave.'

Danny laughed. ‘Don't. Even the thought of it brings tears to me eyes.'

Janet laughed with him. ‘I know you'll be good to her. You've always been a good friend to me, Danny.'

‘And I always will be. Me being married won't make any difference.'

 

It was another six months before Janet was able to get into the basement at the office on her own. She had worked hard to get promotion and win Miss Wilson's approval. Her excitement had increased when she'd learnt that some adoption papers were held here. Every time someone went downstairs Janet asked to go with them. She would glance around and poke about, trying not to arouse too much suspicion.

Miss Wilson did ask her once why she was so eager to go down to the records and she had told her she wanted to learn all aspects of the job, which fortunately seemed to satisfy her. Miss Wilson also stressed that whatever she saw and read should be treated with the strictest confidence.

As Janet managed to work her way up through the system she was soon in charge of her section and able to move about freely. Then the day came when she was asked to find a birth certificate for 1954. She could hardly contain her excitement as she went to the basement alone.

She didn't care about the cold; she was flushed with elation. Pulling her cardigan round her she went to the 1954s and took out a file. Quickly she rummaged through it. Paula had been registered under the name of Samuel. There were a lot of Samuels.

The clatter of shoes on the stone stairs made her put the file back.

It was Helen. ‘Ain't you found that yet?' she said, bursting into the room. ‘Old sourpuss is yelling for you.'

‘Yes, I was just coming.' Janet had made sure she found what she had been sent down for before she started looking for herself. She put the precious box that could hold all the secrets back on the shelf. She knew which one to go to next time.

‘D'you know, I reckon you're up to no good down here,' said Helen as they made their way upstairs.

‘Why? What d'you mean?' asked Janet in alarm.

Helen laughed. ‘Don't sound so worried. I reckon you're starting a witches' coven down here, and sneak down here to chant all sorts of wicked things and stick pins in dolls of people you don't like.' She screamed with laughter at her joke.

Janet also laughed. ‘Damn. I've been rumbled.'

 

It took another two weeks for Janet finally to get her hands on Paula's birth certificate. And when at last she did, she stood looking down at the paper in her hand. This was the only thing to tell her her daughter did exist and that she was her mother. She quickly put it into her pocket.

At home she studied it. She noted the adoption number in the corner. She had to find those papers now.

That took another week, but the task wasn't hard as she knew that all the adoption papers were numbered.

With trembling hands she found what she had been looking for and without even glancing inside the envelope she quickly put it into her pocket. She felt sick and her heart beat fast and loud, so loud she thought everybody would hear it when she returned to her office. She wanted to shout out, tell someone. She secretly curled her fingers round the priceless papers. She knew what she was doing was wrong but she had come this far and she wasn't going to let this opportunity pass.

The rest of the day seemed to go on for ever and she couldn't wait to get home.

Once there, she quickly closed her front door and, without removing her coat, sat with tears in her eyes as she studied the paper in her hand. Paula had been adopted by a Mr and Mrs Brook. She was still Paula and they lived in Streatham. Janet eagerly waited for Saturday when she could show Freda.

 

‘You took a bloody chance pinching this. What if you'd got caught?' Freda was reading the certificate.

‘Well, I didn't.'

‘So what you gonner do?'

‘I'll put it back when I've finished with it.'

‘I meant now.'

‘I'm going over there.'

‘What, just knock on the door and say, “Oh, by the way, I'm Paula's real mum and I'd like to take her home”?'

‘Don't talk daft.'

‘Well, what then?'

‘I'll go and make sure they still live there first. If not, perhaps a neighbour will know if they've moved. I'm so excited. I'm going tomorrow, will you come with me?'

‘I can't.'

‘Why not?'

‘Me and Charlie's got to go and see his mum.'

Janet felt deflated. Nine years she had waited to get this far.

‘Why can't you go on your own?'

‘I just need moral support.'

‘Can't you wait till the Sat'day after?'

‘No.'

‘Well, please yourself, but be careful.'

 

Janet peered through the windscreen of her Mini as she slowly made her way along Dover Road, looking for number twenty. They were nice houses, expensive-looking. Her heart leapt when she drove slowly past it. She stopped and sat looking behind her.

Now she was here what should she do? What could she say? All these years she had carefully worded her first sentence to her daughter but now she had cold feet. What if Paula was happy? Should she upset her life?

She got out of the car and made her way up the path. She knocked on the door.

‘Yes?' A large plump woman had pulled open the door and stood in the doorway. ‘Yes?' she said again.

‘I'm sorry to trouble you,' said Janet, feeling her bravado slipping away. ‘But I was looking for a Paula Brook.'

‘The Brooks moved away years ago.'

Janet wanted to sink to the ground. ‘Do you know where they went to?'

‘Allan!' she screamed out. ‘Where did the Brooks go to?'

‘Dunno,' came the answer from within. ‘Up Lewisham way, I think.'

‘Yes, that's right,' said the woman. ‘He moved with the job, bank manager or something. Bit of a stuck-up chap; the little girl seemed nice enough, though.'

‘Do you happen to know which bank he works for?' asked Janet.

‘Can't say I do. Sorry I can't be of much help.'

‘That's all right. Thank you.' She made her way back to her car. Was that Paula she was talking about? Janet smiled. She said she was a nice kid.

She would have the day off tomorrow and go to every bank in Lewisham.

 

Janet was up early on Monday morning and made her way to the High Street. She had gone over her plan a hundred times. At ten o‘clock she was going to start at one end of Lewisham High Street and gradually work her way along. It shouldn't be that difficult and she had till three o'clock. She would go up to the counter and ask if a Mr Brook worked here. If the answer was yes, she would try to see him, then at the end of the day she would follow him home. It was going to be that easy.

Her step was light as she began at the first bank.

The banks were very busy and she had to wait in line. By lunchtime she hadn't had any luck, and was only halfway along the road. Then it happened.

‘Yes,' said the young lady at the counter. ‘We do have a Mr Brook here. Have you an appointment?'

Janet shook her head. ‘No. But will he be free at all today?'

‘I'll find out for you.'

Janet was trembling. She couldn't believe how well it was going, and if he couldn't see her today she would come back tomorrow.

The teller returned. ‘Mr Brook has a few minutes at two thirty, would that be convenient?'

‘Yes, yes, that will be fine.'

‘Could I have your name, please?'

‘Slater. Miss Slater.' Paula's name hadn't been Slater so that shouldn't arouse any suspicion. ‘Thank you,' she said cheerfully, walking away. She felt like singing out loud. A clock chiming told her she had two hours to wait, so that called for a cup of tea.

At two thirty she was ushered into Mr Brook's office. He was seated behind a large desk and looked up when she entered. He raised his thick bushy eyebrows and looked at her very intently. Janet felt uncomfortable. ‘Take a seat,' he said, recovering his composure. ‘Now what was it you wanted to see me about?'

He was a very upright man. There was something about him that reminded Janet of her father.

‘I was told by a friend to see you as I want to open an account. You see, I hope to be moving to this area soon.'

‘You didn't have to see me; any of my staff could arrange that for you. I'll just get the relevant papers for you to fill in and sign.'

Janet waited for him to leave the room, then she too left. Now she had seen him, there wasn't any point in staying.

At the end of the day she sat in her car and waited for the staff to come out. Mr Brook must have been one of the last to leave. He retrieved his car from the parking area to the side of the bank, and drove away, with Janet following.

After about twenty minutes he turned into a drive. Janet continued on past, then turned her car round and stopped a few houses away.

She sat trembling. Could this really be it? Was she going to see her baby at last? She had been searching for nine years, now the end was almost within her grasp.

She left her car and, dreamlike, walked up the path and rang the bell.

A short, thin mousy woman opened the door and poked her head round. ‘Yes?'

‘I'm sorry to bother you, but does a Paula Brook live here?'

‘Yes.' Her grey-blue eyes darted over Janet and Janet noted a look of surprise, almost a sense of fear in them. ‘What did you want to see her about?'

‘Who is it, dear?' Mr Brook pulled the door open wider. ‘You? What are you doing here at my home?'

‘Who is she?' Mrs Brook asked her husband.

He pushed his wife to one side. ‘I said, what are you doing here?'

‘You know her?' asked Mrs Brook.

‘She came into the bank today. Did you follow me home?'

‘What did she want?' Mrs Brook's voice was high and out of control.

‘She said she wanted to open an account, but that wasn't it, was it?'

Janet shook her head.

‘Are you . . . ?' Mrs Brook stopped. ‘Don't you see the likeness, dear?'

‘Of course. I noticed it as soon as she walked in. How dare you follow me? Now get away before I call the police.'

‘What do you want?' screamed his wife. ‘You're not going to take her away. You can't.'

‘What's all this racket out here?' Paula stood in the hallway. Janet felt her tears running down her face. This was her baby. It was like looking at a mirror image of herself when she was young. She wanted to push past these people in her way, and kiss her and hold her, tell her how much she loved her and ask her forgiveness, but her path was blocked.

Mrs Brook turned and hurried to Paula, ushering her away. Mr Brook leapt forward and roughly took Janet's arm.

‘Now you listen to me,' he hissed as he propelled her down the path. ‘You stay away from Paula. She belongs to us and I don't want you upsetting her.'

‘I only want to know how she is.' Janet's tears fell.

‘You gave her away.'

‘I didn't have any choice.'

‘Is this your car?'

She nodded.

‘Now you listen to me,' he said again angrily. ‘And you had better listen carefully. If I ever see it in this area again I shall call the police. And if you so much as try to see my daughter again, then I won't be responsible for my actions. So stay away.' He pushed Janet hard against her car and walked away.

Blindly she opened her car door where she sat and cried bitter tears. She had seen Paula. As she drove slowly past the house she saw her daughter was looking out of the window. She wasn't smiling.