Wishes and Tears (21 page)

Paula couldn't believe the look of horror on Trevor's face. She took hold of his hand. ‘Aren't you pleased, darling?'

He nervously looked round the restaurant. ‘Paula.' He coughed and smiled, not meeting the loving look in her warm brown eyes. ‘I don't know. No. I don't know. I think so.'

Paula could see immediately that he didn't mean it.

He continued. ‘It's just that it's come as a shock and, let's face it, it does cause one or two problems.'

She pulled her hand away. She felt hurt. ‘I thought you loved me.'

‘I do, darling, you know I do.'

‘But you said ...' She stopped.

‘Paula, perhaps we'd better go home and discuss this quietly over a drink.' He beckoned the waiter over. ‘My bill, please.'

After paying the bill he gently took her arm and led her from the restaurant. She looked up at him for he was taller than she, even in her fashionable high heels. He was so good-looking that her heart beat faster. To her he was perfection. His thick dark hair, slightly greying at the temples, and his brown eyes could melt her with just one look. He was always immaculately well dressed and well spoken. She couldn't wait for his phone call asking to take her out. She loved him, but knew he didn't love her in the same way. If only she had found him first.

In the car Paula's head was reeling. His clenched jaw told her he was angry. This wasn't the reaction she had expected from him. She wanted him to be as thrilled as she was that they were going to have a baby.

Inside Paula's flat Trevor poured himself a large whisky. ‘Have you forgotten to fill the ice tray again?' he asked curtly.

‘No.'

‘Thank goodness. You know how much I like ice in my drink.'

In the kitchen Paula put the ice in the bucket. She was upset: this wasn't how she thought he would react.

‘Thanks, darling.' He put some ice in his glass and sat on the sofa. ‘Come and sit with me.'

She sat next to him. He put his glass on the coffee table in front of him and pulled her close. He kissed her soft full mouth with all the passion she had come to expect from him. His hand travelled over her breast and as he kissed her neck he whispered, ‘Paula, are you sure about this thing?'

She pulled away from him. ‘Are you talking about our baby?'

He visibly winced. ‘You don't have to go through with it, you know. Are you really sure this is want you want?'

She jumped back, almost as if she had been stung. ‘Of course.'

He too sat back. ‘But what about your career?'

‘It isn't that important.'

‘How can you say that? Have you thought about money? These things go on for ever, you know.'

‘Yes I do know, and I also know we can't get married but I thought I could sell this flat and buy a small house with a garden, perhaps somewhere in the suburbs—this place is worth a great deal now - then you could come and go as you please, just like now. Things will be the same except you'll have a child. Oh, don't you see, it will be lovely? I wouldn't have to worry about—'

He stood up. ‘Come on now, Paula, be practical.' A deep frown filled his forehead. Why was he so angry?

‘I don't want to be practical.' She tossed her head, pushing the soft brown hair from her face. ‘I want a baby. Is that so wrong?'

‘This was something we should have discussed.'

‘Why?'

‘I'm a businessman, not a family man.'

‘You can learn.'

‘You know I can't divorce Glenda. I can't leave her to fend for herself.' He moved over to the fireplace and, taking a cigarette from the onyx box on the mantelshelf, lit it with the matching cigarette lighter and blew smoke into the air. He pointed a finger at her. ‘Paula, I'm very disappointed in you. You said you were on the pill.'

Paula visibly shrank. ‘I was, but I stopped,' she said weakly.

‘That was very selfish of you.'

Paula was in shock. This wasn't what she wanted to hear. She stood up. ‘I thought you loved me.'

‘I do, darling, I do.'

‘But not more than your wife?'

‘That's different.'

‘Why?'

‘You know why. I love you. I can't have the fun with Glenda I have with you.'

‘You mean she can't perform in bed as well as me?'

He smiled. ‘Now you know that isn't the only reason. We get along very well together. Dinners, weekends away, the theatre and countless other things, so don't let's spoil it by having a baby and all the mess that goes with it.'

She looked up at him. She knew she would miss going abroad with him, staying in elegant hotels and eating in the best restaurants. She had also been aware right from the start that their affair wouldn't last for ever. She was always afraid he might toss her aside one day, but now she was going to have a baby and that would be hers to love for ever.

He held her close and the smell of his expensive aftershave filled her nostrils. ‘Come on now, darling, be sensible.'

She didn't want to be sensible. She knew if she didn't stand her ground he would, as usual, get his way.

He was taller and fifteen years older than she but he had a fine body and was so good-looking in a mature way. His few grey hairs gave him a distinguished look and his deep brown eyes never failed to thrill her whenever he looked at her. He was a perfectionist and appearances meant everything to him. She knew when she first met him that he was married and his wife confined to a wheelchair. He never took Glenda out; always said she preferred to stay at home. In the beginning Paula had refused to break her golden rule and go out with him; she never went out with married men. But then, after countless refused invitations, he had told her that he was waiting for a divorce. Her first reaction had been that he was heartless but he'd said that was what Glenda wanted. She didn't want him to be tied to her for ever and he was financially in a position to provide for her very well.

It wasn't until Paula was head over heels in love with him that she found out his wife was in a wheelchair after a car accident involving a drunken driver on their way home from a masonic do. As their affair grew she realized he had lied to her and wasn't going to divorce Glenda. She had received a large amount in compensation and money was very important to Trevor. Paula knew then he would never leave his wife, but despite all of this she was by then so hopelessly in love with him, she was prepared to agree to anything if it meant having him around.

‘You know I can pay for an abortion.'

‘I don't believe you just said that. Trevor, I was twenty-five last month. I can't and I don't want to leave it much longer. This is something I desperately want. I'm going to have this baby with or without you around.'

A look of total disbelief filled his face. ‘What did you just say?'

‘I think you heard.' Even as she said the words her resolve hardened.

He grabbed her hand. ‘Paula, what can I say to make you change your mind?'

‘I'm going through with this.' The more he argued the more determination she had to show.

‘Why, Paula? Why? We are happy enough as we are.'

She didn't answer. She knew that if he kept on, despite her current show of single-mindedness, she would be putty in his hands and he might be able to change her mind. She had to stand up to him over this.

‘Well, I suppose if you've made up your mind about this idiotic thing then I'll have to give you any financial support you need, but don't expect me to be a father to it.'

‘Why not?'

‘I'm not the fatherly type.'

‘Trevor, don't you see I need something of my own to love?'

‘You have me.'

‘You will never be mine.'

He looked away and stubbed out his cigarette in the large ashtray. ‘How will you manage all this?' He waved his arm around her expensive flat.

‘I told you, I'll sell it.'

‘And what about when you're fed up at home all day changing nappies and all the other revolting things that go with babies, and you start to crave the bright lights? You can't give children away, you know.'

Paula blanched. ‘That will be my problem,' she said softly.

He stood behind her and, folding her into his arms, held her tight.

She smiled and almost purred with delight. She felt warm and safe with him. Why didn't he want to be a father?

‘Look, it's getting late and you're tired. I'll come round tomorrow and we can talk this thing through.'

Paula didn't answer.

He picked his keys off the coffee table. ‘Don't bother to see me out.' He kissed her cheek. ‘Bye, darling. Love you.' He closed the door.

Paula sat on the sofa and hugged her knees. She knew he wouldn't divorce his wife but she hadn't stopped taking the pill to trap him. She wanted a baby, something of her very own to love.

Since she was a seventeen-year-old she had strived for perfection. That's what had made her climb the ladder of success in the estate agency business where she worked. She was now chief mortgage negotiator for all the firm's ten London branches and apart from commission she had an excellent salary, but she was prepared to give it all up for the love of a baby.

She sat reflecting on her life. Nothing had ever been her own, not even her parents. Trevor doesn't know I was adopted, she said to herself. When he talked about her giving her baby away he didn't realize how much that statement had hurt her.

She knew she had been adopted almost as soon as she could understand. Her father, who had a good position in the bank, had told her. He was a very strict disciplinarian and she had to do everything he told her to, otherwise he was going to send her back to the home they had taken her from. He had said her mother had been a wicked woman who had babies and left them to fend for themselves. Paula was terrified of him, the things he said and the threats of what he would do to her. He had abused her mentally and physically, made her feel inadequate and useless. But she only realized that after she had run away, when the woman she had called Mum for all of those years had died. Paula was just sixteen. Her mother had been a quiet woman and Paula had never been sure if she knew what had been going on and whether he had been a bully to her too. During her childhood, Paula had hated her real mother so much that she'd vowed if she ever found out who she was she would physically harm her, just as she had been all these years.

Paula shuddered at the memories.

At college she had made friends with Sue. It was her friend's mother who had taken Paula in when she left home. She spent three years with them and they were some of the happiest she had ever known. Sue knew all about Paula's life. Her father never came looking for her; Sue said he was probably afraid she would spill the beans. Sue was now happily married and had twin boys. She'd met Harry at a dance and within a year they were married. Paula still saw Sue, who lived nearby, but Sue never made a secret of the fact that she didn't approve of Paula seeing Trevor. What will her reaction be when I tell her about the baby? mused Paula.

There had been other men in Paula's life but they all seemed young and immature. Trevor was different. From the moment he walked into the estate agents asking to look at some of the most expensive property they had on their books she knew he was a cut above the others. He was confident and, in addition to his stylish clothes, he had a certain air about him. When she showed him round a vacant house he told her about his wife and how they needed wheelchair access. He often popped into the office on some pretext or other and Paula soon realized he was pursuing her. As time went on Paula knew she was falling for him; he was charming and attentive and brought her expensive gifts, which at first she refused. Then he mentioned the divorce which she knew now to be just a ploy. Gradually, and after a lot of soul-searching, she let him share her bed. Now he had a key and would come and go when it suited them both.

Paula brushed a tear from her eyes. Why was she getting upset? The baby was something she wanted more than anything else. Something that was going to be hers and only hers.

Her thoughts went to her real mother. Who was she? She must have been a very selfish woman to have given Paula and her other children away. Had she been reunited with her other offspring? Why had she had Paula adopted?

She sat up. Her mind went back to when she must have been about nine. There was a terrible row with a woman who said she had come to see Paula. Her mother had ushered her away and told her it wasn't anyone important. The woman was crying and her father was shouting as he took hold of the woman's arm and practically dragged her from the house. Had that been the woman who had given birth to her? Had she come looking for her? Was she going to take her away and then make her live with her in a life of squalor with all her other children, as her father had always told her she did? She didn't look scruffy and she had a car.

Her father had been promoted just after that and they'd moved. Paula remembered not being very happy at having to go to another school.

These things hadn't bothered her for years. True, there had been times when in her depths of despair she had been angry at her mother for giving her away. She was still angry with her - leaving me to that monster, she thought. All the hate from the past began to rise again. But was history repeating itself? Had her real father been married to someone else? If he had been then she couldn't have been much of a mother to give her baby away, whatever the circumstances.

She needed to talk to someone, but it was eleven o'clock, too late to phone Sue. Perhaps they could have lunch together. Would Sue approve of the situation? Paula didn't think so.