With or Without You (8 page)

His palm cupped her breast and she moaned. “Where’s your bedroom, Tessa?”

“Oh God, we can’t have sex. We have so much to talk about first.”

“I need to be with you.” He kissed her again and she leaned into him. “We’ll do plenty of talking after.” Matt pulled back and lifted her shirt over her head and tossed it to the floor. Reaching behind his head, he yanked his own shirt off. “This isn’t just sex, Tessa. I want to make love.”

Matt flicked her pebbled nipple through her pink lace bra with the tip of his finger. “Have you thought about us?” He grazed his knuckles over the flat plane of her belly.

“Yes.” She sucked in air. “I’ve thought of little else, actually.”

He popped the button on her jeans and lowered the zipper. “Did you touch yourself when you thought of me?” He reached inside, into her damp panties. His middle finger brushed her wet curls, and then parted her slit.

“Sometimes. Matt…”

“Mmmm?” He thrust a finger past her moist, hot folds, deep into her center.

“Ahhh.”

He twisted and pumped his finger as much as her jeans would allow. He wanted more. With his other hand, he shimmied her jeans, along with her panties, over her hips and down her thighs.

Tessa sat on the table and kicked off her jeans. “Why can’t I keep my pants on when I’m with you?”

He chuckled then paused. He wanted her to understand this was more than sex. Logistics might be a problem, but it could be a temporary one. A medical referral agency could easily place him in Utah. Maybe it was too soon to talk about permanence. He only knew he’d been through hell the past week wondering what happened in Los Angeles, why she’d left. “I’m not going anywhere, Tessa.” He kissed her, nibbled her lips and combed the hair at her temples with his fingers. “Tell me you feel this connection between us too.” He gazed into her eyes, warming with passion.

“I do.” She blinked quickly. “But I have so much to tell you and I’m afraid you’ll hate me after I do.”

He brushed her lips again. “I can’t hate you.” Another kiss. “I’m falling in love with you.”

Tessa wrapped her arms around his neck and clutched her body to his. Her thighs spread and Matt nestled his groin against her bare heat. “Oh Matt, a part of my heart has belonged to you for twenty years.”

Matt rested his forehead against hers. Whispered words from her lips mirrored the sentiment in his soul. Twenty years ago he’d glimpsed one possible future. He hadn’t realized what had slipped through his fingers.

He unzipped his pants and let them drop. Not the most romantic encounter, but he had to be inside of her…now. His cock loomed large. Cream glistened on the bulging head and seeped from the slit. He pressed his thumb to the thick vein running the throbbing length. Dark, raw desire ripped through his gut. His stomach clenched. Grabbing her hips, he scooted her forward until her ass was in line with the edge of the table. Then he spread her thighs and maneuvered between them.

Tessa took her hands from around his neck and placed her palms flat on the table a little behind her. With her arms locked, she braced her upper body. Wrapping her legs around him, she hooked her feet and urged him closer.

Matt would never look at a kitchen table the same way again. A grin tilted his lips as he fit the head of his cock to her drenched opening. With deliberate slowness he eased his penis inside. Skin to skin. Heat to heat. He watched her pussy eat his cock. Pulling out, his shaft glistened with her juices. Then he pressed forward again.

“Tessa, you feel so good.” He relished in the sensation of her tight internal walls relaxing to encase his shaft. Muscles in his ass clenched and he drove deeper. Velvet softness gloved his cock. He groaned and thrust until his groin pressed flush against her pelvis.

“Yes.” Tessa cried out. Her chest rose and fell with heavy breaths. “Oh God, I’m going to come apart.” Her thighs quivered.

“Perfect.” Matt gripped her hips and nearly pulled her off the table as he banged his cock to the top of her core. Her channel clenched his shaft. In and out, fast for a few strokes and then slow to fend off the delirium of orgasm. Her breasts bounced and her erect nipples jutted forth. Matt bent forward and grasped a puckered tip between his teeth, sucked it into his mouth and then let it pop free.

Tessa cried out. “I’m coming.”

“Let go, sweetheart.” He increased his speed, pumped his hips harder. Her pupils dilated and her teeth sank into her lower lip. Violent spasms quivered through her pussy. Wave after wave of aftershocks milked his cock.

Matt pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth and tried to last a few moments more. He wasn’t ready to come. The slick heat of her channel deliciously caressed his shaft. A few more strokes and he’d let go. Faster. Harder. “Oh fuck.” Deeper. He groaned and hot come spurted from his cock. Euphoric pleasure numbed his mind. Bright light exploded behind his closed eyes as he filled her with cream.

Tessa’s legs dropped limply to his sides and she lay back on the table. Matt ran his hands over her hips and up her ribs. Her breasts were soft and malleable in his palms. Squeezing them gently, he pinched and rolled her nipples between his fingers.

He sucked in great gulps of air. “You’re amazing.”

Tessa sat up. “I’ll be back in a minute.” She slid off the table, gathered her clothes and went down the hall.

“Tessa—”

“I’m fine,” she croaked. “Give me a minute.”

Chapter Seven

Shitshitshitshit!
What in the hell was she doing having sex with Matt again? And without a condom. In…oh…about ten seconds she was going to be his least loved person in the world and she’d still be twitching from incredible sex. She stomped her foot. In twenty years her judgment hadn’t improved.

She cleaned up the evidence of her stupidity and Matt’s incredible prowess then changed into sweats. When she rejoined Matt in the living room, he’d put his pants on but still was without a shirt.

“Hey,” he quietly said and took a step toward her.

“Wait.” She put her hand up, stopping his approach. Tears burned behind her eyes. “We need to talk.” Emotion clogged her throat. Heat radiated from her skin. Her hands shook and it felt like her nerves had become live electrical wires. Skin was the only thing holding her together. But she could do this, because Brianna had a right to know her father. And Matt…her heart thundered.

She’d spent her life loving him because of Brianna. Transferring those emotions to the man standing across from her had happened so easily, without even realizing she’d done it. Oh God, she was about to vomit. Her stomach rolled and pitched. She licked her trembling lips.

Matt ignored her words and crossed the room, concern reflected in his focused eyes. “Something isn’t right.” His fingertips brushed her bangs from her face. “Talk to me.” His voice was low and soothing.

“I think I should sit down and so should you.” She took his hand and led him to the sofa, but she didn’t sit next him, choosing to sit across from him so she could look him in the eyes and hope he understood the decision she’d made.

She chewed her lips, deciding how to approach the subject. Her heart hurt because it pounded so hard.

“I need to be honest about how you came to be on the Jade show.” She rubbed her palms on her thighs.

“The show?” Matt leaned back and crossed one knee over the other.

Tessa stood and walked to the windows. “Oh God, this is hard.” She turned back to Matt. “It’s a long story and I’m not really sure how to tell you.”

“Just say it.” Matt’s gaze never wavered. He tracked her as she paced across the room.

“It’s not that easy. I managed for all these years to keep a secret.” She took the seat across from Matt again. “But the truth is that I’ve lied to Brianna about her father. I didn’t tell her who he was even though I’ve always known.” Tears blurred her vision. “You see—” her voice trembled, “—he was destined for better than a teenage pregnancy. We weren’t close.” She wished Matt would say something, but he just watched her. His lips thinned and his eyes remained focused on her. Matt was too intuitive not to realize this story would somehow relate to him. If she didn’t want him guessing, she needed to tell him and accept whatever anger he justifiably felt.

“When she was little she asked who her father was and I told her—sort of. I told her about a man that I’d dreamed about all through high school. Only I made those dreams the truth. I told her stories about you.”

Matt leaned forward. “You told her I was her father?”

“No. Oh God, Matt.” The tears fell. “I told her about you, but I didn’t tell her who you were.”

Matt didn’t seem to be listening. He stood, crossed the room and stared at Brianna’s picture on the wall.

Tessa followed him, but stood a few feet away. “I told her about you because I wanted her to know who you were without telling her exactly who you were.”

Matt took the picture off the wall. His pallor revealed the dawning of understanding. He turned to Tessa.

She covered her mouth with her hands. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

He trailed his fingers over Brianna’s image, traced her lips, chin and nose—all gifts from her father.

“She’s your daughter.” Tears streamed down Tessa’s cheeks and dripped from her face. “I know I can’t ask you to forgive me. But at least try to understand why I chose to raise her on my own. In the beginning, I thought I’d done the right thing by not ruining your scholarship, your potential career.” Tessa sighed and sat back down on the couch. “But then the years went by.”

“So, if Brianna hadn’t called the show, I never would’ve known I had a child with you.” He sat, still clutching the picture in his hands.

Tessa bowed her head. “Oh Matt, I wish I could say I would’ve found the courage to tell her…to tell you. But no, I don’t believe I ever would have.”

He set the picture on the coffee table and stared at it. “She’s beautiful.”

“She wants to meet you.”

His head snapped up. “You told her.”

Tessa nodded.

“When?”

“After the show. She wanted to know why I wouldn’t see you again. I was scared, but I finally realized I couldn’t lie to either one of you anymore.”

“That’s fucking good of you. Lie for twenty years and now you develop a conscience. Bullshit. You couldn’t hide the truth anymore.”

She deserved his anger. Moreover, she didn’t have a right to steal Brianna’s childhood from him. “I’m sorry.”

“Damn you. Sorry isn’t good enough.” He rubbed his hand over his forehead. “We had a daughter.” He picked up the picture again. “I can’t stop looking at her.”

“I don’t blame you for hating me, but please give Brianna a chance.”

His eyes narrowed. “You really think I’d walk away from her? I won’t now…and I wouldn’t have twenty years ago, either.”

Tessa shook her head. “We barely knew each other then, we barely know each other now.”

He shook his head. “You don’t know me at all.”

Pain pierced her heart. She did know him, realized now the gravity of her lie. “I was wrong. I should’ve told you.”

“Yes, you should have. You didn’t have a right.” He tucked the picture under his arm. “I need her phone number.”

Tessa nodded and went to the kitchen for a pen and paper. The kitchen table reminded her of what had just happened between them, the love that surged in her heart while he’d filled her body. Too much history, history he only just learned about, worked against them.

She scratched Brianna’s cell phone number and address onto a piece of paper. When she turned around Matt was watching her. Sadness marred his face. Anger seemed to be replaced with regret. He’d put on his shirt and tucked it in. Without the sparkle in his eyes or the smile on his lips, he looked like a stranger.

“If I could make this right, for both of you, I would.”

He took the paper from her. “I’d like to keep this.” He held the photo he’d taken off the wall.

Tessa nodded. He turned, walked to the door and after a final glance back at her, he left.

Matt’s hands shook. He had a daughter. Correction, he had two daughters. He didn’t know what to think, what to do. Of course, first he wanted to call Brianna. Once he returned to Chicago, he’d have to tell Rebecca. He sighed and thought of Pam’s reaction to the news. Not that he cared what she thought anymore. But she didn’t need another thing to bitch about.

Matt slammed a fist against the steering wheel. Mentally rolling through the women he’d been with in his life, he wondered if he’d made other children he didn’t know about. An hour ago he wouldn’t have thought for a moment that the remotest possibility existed. Of course, he’d always been careful…except with Tessa. He groaned. Tonight he’d done it again. He’d had sex with her without a condom.

Matt could only wait for lightning to strike. Outside of his marriage, the last time he’d had sex without a condom he’d gotten a girl pregnant. Now he had a nineteen-year-old daughter.

He glanced at the dashboard clock then picked up the piece of paper off the passenger seat. Brianna probably wouldn’t be sleeping any better than he would be. Grabbing his cell phone, he weighed the idea of calling tonight or waiting until tomorrow when he’d hopefully have a better grasp of his emotions.

Matt pulled over to the curb and turned off the vehicle. He dialed the number and listened to the ring.

“Hello.” Her voice sounded rushed and breathless and it made him wonder if she had caller ID.

“Hello Brianna, it’s Matt Toler.”

“Matt.” Her voice turned whisper quiet. “I’m glad you called.”

He took a deep breath. “I thought we should meet…and talk.”

“Yes.” He heard the relief in her tone.

“Is now a good time?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” He looked out the passenger window. “Because I’m in front of your apartment.” From the car, he watched her pull the curtains back.

“Come in.” She hung up the phone and before he reached the door, she stood on the front porch.

Matt approached with the desire to let her set the pace and tone of their meeting. She’d never had a father. His feet felt like anvils. Sweat trickled down his spine. He looked at her with new eyes. The family resemblance was unmistakable.