Without Scars (28 page)

His shirt seemed big on him. Had he lost weight? Was he eating? After walking into the kitchen, I took my time and made him his own sandwich. It was bitter and angry sandwich making, though; I was no pushover.

Okay, so I made it with everything he liked. So what? Yeah, yeah…I loved him.

I loved him so much.

I loved him so, so much.

I was a goddamn sucker.

He was laughing with the person he was pouring a drink for when I approached, but he didn’t look genuinely amused at all. He looked tense and miserable. I wanted to hug him so badly, and the urge was like suffocation.
I miss you. You miss me. And it’s killing us both.
But I balled my fist at my side and held my resolve. I had spent too much time ignoring and averting my eyes.

His face lit up. Because of me. The girl who wouldn’t just let him deal with his shit as destructively as he wanted. “Thank you,” he said when I set the sandwich down. Charlie grabbed my wrist as I started to walk away, exactly like I was wishing he would. His knuckles were still showing signs of injury. “This isn’t what you were serving. You made this for me?”

“It doesn’t mean I’m…it doesn’t mean I’m okay with what you’re doing. Your mom told me about Oliver. And his heart. He
died
.” My voice broke.

“I’m fine.”

“At some point you won’t be
fine,
Charlie.”
And how can you be fine? How can that be a word you use to describe yourself? How can you be fine without me? I don’t even know what fine is. Fine is not fucking near where I am.
I wanted to add all of this, but it would’ve been so unfair to Samira for us to have another public argument.

“Don’t make it seem like I’m some fucking strung-out addict, Nik. And can you stop calling Fallon?”

“
Fuck
Fallon.” I’d raised my voice and now people were staring at us. Neither of us spoke for a few seconds. I realized he was holding my hand. I wanted to pull away. I didn’t. The silence became a scream in my veins. My beautiful, sweet Charlie. I ran my thumb over his knuckles, over the cuts, and he sucked in a sharp breath. “What did Deacon say?”

Charlie glowered. “Shit I didn’t like…”

“About me.”

“Like I said, shit I didn’t like.”

“Oh,
you’re
the only one who gets to hurt me? And you can punch Deacon but I can’t harass Fallon?” I thought our last fight had drained me, but the current tension between us was fueling all my hurt and anger again.

“All right, all right…” He ran his hand up my forearm. “The conversation at your place…it shouldn’t have gone down like that…” Charlie and I had never really bickered or argued, and for
that
to have been our first real big blowup made me feel ill. “So…everything’s completely back to normal at SoBe?” he asked. When I nodded he added, “Ghost said the show has gotten even better. New songs and choreography.”

“Yeah…I have a permanent solo now. All my own choreo. We’ve been doing a special preview, but it debuts officially in a week,” I explained.

“Is it okay if I check it out sometime?”

“Yeah, of course,” I said with emphasis, “I wouldn’t stop you, Charlie.”

“Nikki! We’re gonna eat! Hurry before the line gets too long!” Denise yelled out to me. She was standing with Mike and Ghost.

“God, I’m starving…” I’d barely had an appetite today because of this reunion. Now the hunger was hitting me all at once.

“This is different than before…” Charlie mumbled.

“What is?”

“Seeing other guys stare at you. It’s much fucking harder, but you look beautiful today. Mike clearly wants you to go home with him. I don’t know if I can handle seeing that.” Desperation had edged into his voice.

I smirked. “Did I go home with
you?
” Not that for a few seconds I hadn’t thought about one-night-standing Mike. To fight the loneliness. A heart could live in a body and be miles away from it at the same time. But I wanted to fuck someone who wouldn’t ask to call me afterward.

Charlie leaned over the bar. His hand cupped the back of my neck. “What if I kissed you right now?” His breath brushed my lips.
Do it. Kiss me.
Every inch of skin on me tightened.
Kiss me.

“Peeing on your tree?”

He smiled. “I’m gonna kiss my girl when I want to kiss my girl.”

“I don’t belong to you.”

He shrugged. “I’m still yours, though.”

My composure held but a shiver shook my chest. “People who belong to each other don’t shut each other out. They don’t walk out like you did. They don’t just fucking say
okay
.
They don’t fucking say okay.
” I hated how petulant I sounded but... “And you’re being extremely rude to your date.”

“No,
you
were rude to my date.”

“So she’s your date?”

“Have you seen me talk to her at all since we got here? We walked in together because I know her, but I didn’t come here with her.” Charlie leaned more. He was so close he could probably see the shimmery flecks in my lip-gloss. “What the fuck? He’s still looking at you. I’d really prefer not to punch the shit out of Mike today…”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning…I don’t want a reason to. Because Samira and Patrick would probably never talk to me again.”

I laughed. “Deacon let you get
one
good hit in and now you think you’re Muhammad Ali.”

“Okay, yeah, maybe a little. It was, like, two hits, by the way.” He shrugged. “Plus, I just got to hear you laugh, even though you’re mocking my fighting skills.”

It was so easy with us but I had to be strong. “I should go eat, and you eat the sandwich, Charlie. It doesn’t change anything.”

“You still made me a sandwich, though. You love me.”

“Just eat the goddamn sandwich.” I exhaled like I hadn’t breathed in years and walked away.
I miss you.
I thought it, but I swore I heard him say it, too.

Patrick and Samira had reason to be proud of their party. Other than my outburst, Lux’s party was perfect. Drunken parents were staggering as much as their face-painted toddlers. Denise and I ate behind the bounce castle with Mike and some of his cousins. I stared at Charlie as he joked around with Ghost, Patrick, Brody, Shaw, and a few other guys I didn’t know. I gazed at his mouth when he laughed. Watched his body stretch when he locked his fingers behind his head and rocked back on his heels. Took him in like I had that day at the police station: so sexy—

He turned to me suddenly. Grinned. I jerked my head away and waited for my face to implode from the heat. Such a stalker. Both of us. I reached across the grass for my water and my plate. “Did I really eat all those chips?” Couldn’t recall the taste of any of the food.

“No. I stole them while you were eye-fucking Charlie,” Denise whispered.

“Was not.”

“
Eye. Fucking. Rough eye-fucking.
With biting and hair pulling. I know how you like it, you freak,” she said, laughing.

“No.” I got up and went into the house before she could say it again. After using the bathroom, I didn’t go back outside right away. I checked out how beautiful the Morris home was. Pictures of Lux were everywhere. Like they couldn’t get enough of her. There was so much love here for her. Because your parents’ love for you was supposed to be unconditional. They didn’t have to love everything you did, but they were supposed to love
you
forever.

And
I
was still worthy dammit.

Movement caught my eye from a window at the front of the house. Charlie was outside playing with Lux. He would run away from her and almost let her catch him, before dashing away again. It was so damn adorable.

What a douchebag.

“Using the kid…” I said, shaking my head when I walked out the front door.

“Lux’s favorite toy is in her mom’s car. She asked me to get it.” After he reached into Samira’s Honda, he held up a plush Babar the Elephant. When he lowered it, Lux yanked it from him. She hugged it and Charlie’s thigh then smiled at me. Oh my God. They were co-conspirators!

“Whatever...” I turned to go back inside.

“Boog, wave goodbye to Nikki. Blow her a kiss.”

I paused at the doorframe. “I know what you’re doing.”

But just because I didn’t look at Charlie didn’t mean every hair on my arms wasn’t standing. That every square inch of my skin wasn’t remembering. Your body couldn’t
unknow
how someone who’d been inside you felt. Some traitorous pleasure-inducing hormone blasted through me. Your brain was always getting you high. Making you more suggestible to bad decisions.

“I haven’t done what I’m doing…” Charlie said as he strolled up the sidewalk. His lips slammed against my ear and his arm curled around my middle. “Because your nails aren’t in my back yet.” I shuddered out a sigh. We both knew it was an invitation.

Shaky, I tripped over the threshold. A soft set of footfalls dashed behind me, but I was worried about the heavier ones. They were right on my heels. I was clenching everything. My legs trembled. Diverting away from the backyard, I turned at the hallway and stepped into the first room I found.

Charlie walked in after me and slammed the door, putting me against it. The full strength of my arousal swamped me. He drew his fingertips along the length of my arms, a flash of heat trailing. He traced a soft circle over my navel. I threw my head back as his hand moved lower. Then he stopped at my underwear’s elastic band. His exhale spread over my neck before his lips touched my shoulder, his tongue flicking my collarbone. “I miss what you taste like.” Charlie thumbed my nipple through my dress.

A soft touch climbed my inner thigh and I bit my lip. I couldn’t pretend that he didn’t have an effect on me. I spread my legs wider the higher his hand went. His fingers grazed the seat of my panties. I tasted blood where my teeth were. He tapped softly on my clit. But he
never
increased the pressure, no matter how much my knees wobbled or my breaths increased. He gripped my chin then moved his hand down my neck. Charlie’s mouth touched my throat. “I don’t want anyone else to know that taste.”

My urges boiled over. Clasping his wrist, I pulled my underwear aside and ran his fingers over my clit. He clenched his teeth, his forearm pulsed in my grasp, and I heard him suck in a sharp breath as I pushed his fingers inside me. They went in with ease. Charlie didn’t move as I ground on his hand. The pressure in my core built to a peak. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me come. I was mad at him.

Okay, okay, not mad enough to stop doing this.

But mad.

“You miss my mouth?” Charlie finally moved on his own, driving his fingers up. Once. Twice. Hard. Deep. I gripped the front of his shirt.

“Yes.” I heaved the word out like it’d been trapped in my lungs until right this second.

“You want my mouth on your pussy?” Another harsh ‘yes’ from me followed.

But who were we kidding? We were going to fuck.

He dropped to his knees, pulling my underwear down in his fist. He brought me to the floor next to him. Charlie spread my legs after he pushed my dress up to my navel. He trailed his lips down my stomach before his tongue touched my clit. The sudden explosion of pleasure made me slap my arm over my mouth. I bit my forearm and made a futile attempt to clutch the carpet as he licked me.

Charlie didn’t let me fight my orgasm. Didn’t give me a chance. I surrendered, arching off the floor and shivering on his face. He sat up between my splayed legs, furious hunger beating in his eyes, and I frantically unbuttoned his jeans. Pulled the teeth of his zipper apart instead of using the slider. Forcefully ripped his shirt up with all my might. I thought I heard seams tearing somewhere.

He kissed my wetness onto my lips. The kiss was rough. It made my lips hurt. I didn’t care as I took his tongue into my mouth. I didn’t care what he wanted to do to me right now. I lifted my ankle to his shoulder, and my other leg was hooked around his forearm. I twitched—still sensitive—as he ran the head of his cock against my clit.

“Fuck. Charlie.” I think my bones melted when he slammed into me. And then he pounded me into serenity. The tips of my hair were trapped beneath me, yanking with each thrust. Pain and pleasure collided. I didn’t care a bit. I just wanted Charlie to fuck the last awful, lonely month right out of me.

I bowed upward when his fingers found my swollen clit between us, and his lips closed over my nipple. As the wave of my orgasm swelled, I bit my lip until it trembled out of my mouth from the force of my moans. He mashed his own grunts to my collarbone, my breast ballooning in his grip. His entire body shook when he came.

“Well, we just ruined Samira’s carpet.” I was
so
great at pillow talk. As soon as Charlie pulled out of me I reached for my underwear. They were looped around one of my ankles. My entire left breast was perched on the edge of my bra, my skin cold from the air flowing over where his mouth had been. His shirt hung on a diagonal across his chest, an arm still in the sleeve. For two people who were anything but, we looked exactly like a sordid fuck. Okay, well, we’d just had sex on the floor at a kid’s birthday party.