Wrestling With Desire (33 page)

"Oh, he said much more." Derek froze, the concern returning despite the internal scolding he had just given himself. "He said he had never been as upset about moving as when his parents moved him here to Cambridge, forcing him to miss out on his senior year. Meeting you made his anger disappear immediately. He said he's never had a friend like you. He was happy about the move after your first day of school...until winter break. His father's punishment is like 293

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forcing him to move all over again, but this time, he's facing his new friends even though he can't spend any time with them."

His mother's hands began to shake a little and her lips began to tremble. Derek placed his hands over hers in an attempt to comfort her. "Don't mind me, Derek. I'm a silly, emotional woman at times and I can't help but feel for the pain of others. Shannon didn't say so, but I got the sense she cares for you very much, Derek. As a mother, I believe the reason she cares for you is because you make her son happy.

I think," his mother stopped speaking again, words becoming difficult for her, "I think that Scott cares about you very much too. Someone who has been forced to lose people over and over never learns to trust anything can remain stable. But Scott had begun to trust you would be someone who wouldn't disappear. I think Scott blames his father for having to lose you as a friend."

Derek's emotions flared within him and he couldn't contain his words. "Lose me as a friend. He hasn't lost me as a friend.

He's the one who shut me out. He's the one who said he wanted his space and asked me to stop picking him up before school and dropping him off after practice." Derek's eyes began to sting.

As he spoke, his mother silently listened, watching him carefully. Once he finished, she allowed a couple of minutes of silence to fill the room. "You care about him don't you?"

Derek didn't respond. "Honey, I've watched you grow up.

When I held you as a baby and listened to your happy giggles, I knew I had brought a bright and cheerful person 294

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into this world. You've brought happiness, joy, and pride into my life. But as you've grown, I've watched you build walls around yourself. Your father and I talk about it often. But you've had lots of friends, done well in school, and stayed out of trouble, so we just accepted your brooding as one aspect out of many in your personality and didn't consider it something to worry about. I think that was a mistake on our part."

Derek's mother took his hand and waited until he faced her and was listening. "You keep everything bottled up inside of you and your only outlets are running and wrestling.

Sometimes people need other people so they can get things off their chest. As a young man about to head off to college, I think it's time for you to face some grown-up facts. Your happiness will not be gained by keeping things in and trying to be who you think others expect you to be. I'm not saying you should be selfish or shouldn't consider the feelings and needs of others. You aren't capable of disregarding others.

When you keep your feelings in, it can be harmful and unhealthy."

Derek's body began to quiver, and tears began to roll down his cheeks. His mother allowed him a moment to gain control of himself, and then continued. "Derek, I'm going to ask you a very difficult question, but it's a question that must be asked, and it has to be asked now." She paused and her struggle to find the courage to speak was transparent.

"Derek, are you gay?"

Derek wasn't surprised by the question, but the fact that it had been asked out loud left him paralyzed. His hands and 295

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arms started shaking and his stomach tumbled about, threatening to erupt. Every fear he had held about revealing he was gay bombarded his mind at once: his fears of rejection, disapproval, hatred, and alienation. All of them started circling in his brain. All he could draw the strength to say was, "Yes."

His emotions burst within him as his whole body shook and he began to cry in earnest. His mother grabbed him tightly, holding him close. He lost a sense of time as they sat, hugging and crying together. Finally, Derek began to regain control of himself. He first stopped his trembling and then, slowly, stopped crying. After a few more minutes of resting in his mother's arms, they drew apart. "How did you know?"

His mother smiled, her eyes red and swollen and her cheeks shimmering with her tears. "Oh sweetie. You may keep a lot of things to yourself, but some things you simply can't keep from a mother. We have a way of knowing things.

I suppose it's because I carried you in my body for nine months and stayed home to raise you. I've had my suspicions for years now, but this year, you lit up. Something came alive in you after you met Scott and I just knew. What I didn't know was how to ask."

A comfortable silence fell between them, giving Derek a chance to process their conversation. To his surprise, instead of dread or mortification, relief flooded through him. "I've been too scared to tell you. I was afraid you might not love me anymore."

His mother's lips began to quiver, but she stoically swallowed back her emotions. "Derek, nothing in this world 296

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could
ever
cause me to lose one ounce of the pride and love I feel for you. I won't lie, the fact you feared losing my love hurts, but although I call you a young man, you
are
still a boy. You are
my
boy and I will always love you. I'll have to adjust and accept that some of the hopes and dreams I've had for you won't come true, but this is not a bad thing.

Nothing about you is bad. We'll work on adjusting to this together, as a family. Some of my dreams will remain the same. I still want you to find someone to love and who will love you. For some of my other hopes and dreams, like you experiencing parenthood, we'll have to see what happens with those. All parents want their children to be happy and healthy. Our needs are simple in that regard."

Derek couldn't believe his mother was ticking off each of his fears one by one, like she had a checklist of everything he had ever worried about. He leaned in and hugged her again.

"I love you so much, Mom."

Hugging him back, a few of her tears spilled onto his shoulder and soaked through his t-shirt. "I love you, too."

Sitting back to lean against his headboard he looked at his mother. "Does Dad know? Have you talked about this with him?"

She smiled. "No, I don't think so. Men aren't as observant as women. Even a man as wonderful as your father has his limitations. Men see what they want to and can create explanations for things they don't quite understand to make them fit the picture they want to see. But, when you are ready, you
should
tell your father. I can be with you when you do. Like I said, we will grow with this as a family and we 297

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will all continue to love one another. Remember Derek, just like with me. Your father will
never
stop loving you."

Derek contemplated her words then let out a huge yawn.

"I'm completely drained."

She smiled and stood up. "Why don't you lie down and rest. I'll come and get you when dinner is ready."

Derek lay back, replaying the conversation with his mother. Ever since he had come out to himself and to Beck, his greatest fear had been telling his parents. They loved him, but he wondered if they would become uncomfortable or distant. It had forced him to keep secrets and was when he began to pay attention to the guard he always kept up.

This conversation bore no resemblance to the one from his imagination. He always thought
he
would be the one to tell his parents, sitting
them
down and making a grand proclamation which would then send them reeling into tears and confusion. He had never anticipated coming out would be something that was initiated by his mother.

Rather than forcing a wedge between him and his mother, the conversation had brought them closer. Knowing he had underestimated his mother caused a wave of guilt to sweep over him as more tears streamed down the sides of his face and onto his pillow.

After a few minutes, his tears dried and the lump in his throat dissipated. He stared at the ceiling and turned his attention inwards. Everything was still ok. The world hadn't burst out in flames. His relief was magnified when he realized he had been holding in a tremendous amount of stress for a 298

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long time. The big secret was out and his mother still loved him unconditionally.

The smile that pulled at the corners of Derek's mouth caused his cheek muscles to strain. His life had changed dramatically this year and he had opened up to experiences he had spent a lifetime hiding from. He drifted into a restful nap proud that he had come out the other side, maybe a bit bruised, but in perfect working order.

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No longer carrying the weight of his troubles on his shoulders, Derek looked toward the division championship with excitement. He knew he could win, and now, with a clear mind, he could focus on wrestling without distraction.
The
only thing that would make this perfect is if Scott were here
to share this moment with me.

The school buzzed with the excitement of the upcoming tournament. Flyers appeared on walls, the wrestling team was bombarded with good wishes, and classes were interrupted by daily announcements counting down the days to Saturday. The school even rented a shuttle to run back and forth between Brampton and Newton High, where division would be taking place.

Despite the chaos and excitement around him, Derek remained calm and confident. So much had happened in the past two days to change his outlook on everything. He had spent so much time maintaining a cool exterior and bottling up his feelings that the only thing he was able to do was concentrate on wrestling. His new sense of lightness made him want to skip through school. Of course, his natural tendency to avoid behavior that would draw attention to him hadn't changed. That would probably never change, but he finally understood that using his guard was good, as long as he struck the right balance between risk taking and reserve.

The only lingering distraction that kept Derek from being completely happy was Scott. It became increasingly difficult 300

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to draw his attention away from Scott in the English and history classes they shared. Each time he peered into those blue-green eyes, he couldn't shake his regret at Scott's pain, evidenced by his slumped posture and the dark circles under his eyes. Derek tried to summon the courage to talk to him several times during the week, but couldn't bring himself to do it.

At Friday's practice before the division championship tournament, Coach sat the team on the mat. "Today will be a short practice. I've spoken to your teachers and you've been excused from your weekend homework. Please don't make a big deal out of this because it isn't fair to the other students and won't help the other coaches to negotiate special treatment for their teams when they are in a position to win a championship. Today we'll just warm up and practice basic moves. Our journey together has built team spirit. Each of you plays an important role in the overall success of our team, but for the next two days, you need to focus on your own matches. You need to dig deep and make a decision...are you a champion or not? I already know the answer, but my opinion doesn't matter when you're on the mat. Good luck and I'm proud of you."

On Saturday morning, the team gathered in the athletic building parking lot at 7:00 AM to board their regular bus.

The shuttle bus was already packed with students. When they arrived at Newton High thirty minutes later, they were amazed by the sheer size of the auditorium. Eight wrestling mats covered the center of the room surrounded on all sides 301

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by bleachers. The sixteen schools with the best overall records from the regular season were competing.

One of the refs walked to the center of the auditorium with a microphone, calling for the crowd's attention. "Before we begin the first round today, I would like to explain how the next two days will commence. Today will consist of two rounds. In the first round, sixteen wrestlers in each weight class will be reduced to eight. In the second round, those eight wrestlers will be reduced to four. Tomorrow there will be three rounds. The first will be semi-finals. Next, the wrestlers who do not win will wrestle to secure third and fourth place for their weight class. The finals will take place last, determining the champions. Once the top four places at each weight class are determined, team points will be tallied. First place wrestlers earn four team points, second place wrestlers earn three team points, and so on. The schools with the top three overall team scores will be recognized. The champions will receive a school trophy and banner. I want to wish everyone good luck."

By the end of the day, seven of the eleven wrestlers on the Brampton team progressed to the semi-final round: two wrestlers in the lower weight classes along with Derek, Frank, Scott, Josh, and Power. Only five wrestlers from the Lexington team moved on along with eight wrestlers from the Waltham team. Waltham held the advantage because they had more players guaranteed to earn team points, no matter whether they came in first or fourth. To win, most of the Brampton wrestlers would have to come in first or second in their weight class.

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The sun was still high in the sky when Derek got home.

Restless and excited he decided to go for a run. He would only hurt himself and his team if he allowed his nerves to get the best of him. Heading towards the river, he began thinking about wrestling, but pushed his thoughts aside.