Wrestling With Desire (30 page)

Wrestling With Desire

by D.H. Starr

him, but pulled back when Derek didn't respond with the enthusiasm they expected. When he spoke, his voice was filled with sullen disappointment. "Where's Scott?'

His mother looked at him, her face drawn in concern.

"Once the meet ended, he left with Shannon." Derek's heart sank. His mother placed an arm around his shoulder. "Would you like a ride home with us honey."

"No, I think I'll head back on the bus. I'm guessing it's going to be an awesome bus ride after this win." After his initial wave of disappointment, Derek was sure that he had summoned the will to sound and appear cheerful. Even so, his mother was looking at him with the same worried expression as before.

His father saved them both from having to address the issue. "I bet you're right son." He placed an arm around Derek's shoulder, giving him a half hug. "We'll see you at home. That was some match, Derek. After the way he trounced you last year, it was very gratifying to see you pin that sucker."

Derek's face blushed. "I'm not sure whether that's a compliment or not, but thanks...I think."

His father laughed and patted him on the back. "Always wondering what others think aren't you son? For the record, it was a compliment." His mother gave him a hug which was tighter than usual and held on for longer than Derek would have expected.

Derek's father touched his wife's arm. "Honey, you're going to have to let go if he plans on making it home at all 266

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tonight. Half of his team is already headed out." She released him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

As expected, it was a boisterous, celebratory ride back to school and, for the ride at least, Derek was able to push thoughts of Scott out of his mind.

* * * *

When Scott looked at Derek, his irritation was unmistakable. "What are you doing? We have to get to school."

"We have time. I'm worried about you, Scott. You haven't been yourself for a while. We haven't been ourselves for quite a while. I miss us. Don't you?"

Scott looked out the passenger side window, laying his hands on his lap. After what felt like an hour, he spoke. "Yes, I miss us. But what does that matter? It doesn't change anything. It doesn't change my situation."

It disturbed Derek when he realized how relieved he was that Scott missed their time together.
When did I begin
doubting that?
"I know it doesn't change your situation, but I hate that we have been so distant from each other."

Scott pulled his stare away from the window and turned his head to face Derek. He bit his lower lip, which, although 267

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they had not been intimate with each other for weeks, still sent chills through Derek's body and caused his cock to stir.

As Scott looked at him, Derek could see the inner dialogue taking place. Scott's eyes began to water, but then he took in a breath and contained his rising emotions. "I don't know what you want me to say."

Derek hadn't expected that response. "I want you to say that you miss me and that you still want me. I want you to say that it's killing you as much as it's killing me that we have to spend so much time apart. I want you to kiss me." His voice cracked with his last statement and he felt his eyes begin to burn.

Scott's lips began to tremble and Derek was sure he saw desire in his eyes. Holding Derek's gaze, he raised his hand.

Derek held his breath, waiting for the moment of connection.

Yearning for the sensation of Scott's hands touching him.

Scott's hand was a mere inch from his face, and then he pulled it away and placed it in his lap. "Maybe I do want all those things Derek, but do you have any idea how much shit I am dealing with right now? My dad is worse than ever. My grades are beginning to drop. I lost the match last night. I'm not able to spend any time with you. Now you're pressuring me to give you something I can't give you?" Tears were streaming down his face and his voice had risen so that he was almost shouting. "What makes it worse is I wish I
could
give you everything that you want."

Derek was dumbstruck. Scott had just told him everything that he wanted to hear. At the same time, he was saying that despite feeling everything that Derek wanted him to, it made 268

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no difference. While Scott sat next to him, not making any attempt to stop his crying, Derek felt his own eyes fill with salty tears that began to drip out of his eyelids forming hot droplets on his pants. "Maybe you can talk to your mom and see if you can get any time to get out. I'd be happy with a couple hours on a Saturday if that's all I could get."

Scott's entire body flared up in anger. "You don't get it do you? I can't handle everything that's going on anymore.

Everything that used to come easily to me is falling apart.

Maybe you're able to handle the fact that you're in your first relationship, but maybe I can't. Maybe it's the reason my life sucks so much right now."

Derek's heart constricted in his chest. "Y-You think that us being a couple is the reason that things suck for you right now?"

Scott's lips tensed into thin white lines. He looked at Derek first with regret and then, as clearly as if someone had flipped a switch, Scott's emotions went dark and he was completely unreadable. "What I'm saying is that I think I need time to myself right now. I need to get myself back on track. Having other people around isn't going to help me do that. We've been trying to pretend that things will get better between us, but right now, I don't see how that can happen."

Derek began to control his breathing, mentally telling his muscles to relax. Checking for holes in his guard, he attended to the spots that hurt the most and began to surround them with armor. His head, his heart. Both were completely shielded before he spoke again. "Are you breaking up with me?"

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Scott wiped his eyes. "No. I don't know. I'm just saying I need some space."

Derek pulled the car back onto the road without uttering another word and continued the rest of the drive to school.

Well, this is what I get for letting my guard down. I get
dumped. Never again.

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When they arrived at school, Derek was in a haze. He replayed the conversation he had with Scott over and over in his mind. He couldn't believe that they had grown so close and then moved so far apart over the course of a few months.

Beck, sensing the awkwardness between them, remained silent, not knowing whether her antics would ease or exacerbate the situation. In second period pre-calculus, Derek felt his cell phone vibrate. When he placed it on his lap and opened it, there was a text from Beck.
Spill. What is going
on?

Derek didn't feel like rehashing the conversation. It didn't feel real.
Think Scott and I just broke up.

Beck stared at Derek with earnest concern. She placed her hand on his arm.
So sorry Derek. Are you ok?

Derek felt a lump form in his throat and his eyes began to burn. Stealing himself, he swallowed a few times and rubbed his eyes. Once he felt he had control over himself, he opened his notebook and wrote the date on the top of the page.
I'm
fine. Everything's fine.
He didn't dare turn to face Beck for fear that her sympathy would push him over the edge. Her worried expression burned a hole in the side of his face, but he refused to turn to face it. There was no way that he was going to let anything in that might touch his mind or his feelings. Not right now when they had just been ripped to shreds.

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Beck opened her mouth but decided it would be better to leave things well enough alone for the moment. Opening her notebook she wrote the date on the top of a new page as well.

At lunch, Derek joined the guys on the team who were still ecstatic after their big win against Waltham. Students kept coming to their table congratulating them and letting them know that they would be at division to cheer them on. Beck had chosen to join the team with Derek for lunch. Looking around the lunch room, Derek couldn't find Scott anywhere.

He immediately felt a sense of disappointment, but pushed the thought from his mind.

The second half of the day continued much as the first half had, Derek going through the motions of his classes, but keeping his brain activity to a minimum. Every time he thought about Scott and their conversation that morning, his emotions swelled and he had to work harder each time to push them back.

Last period history was particularly difficult since it was the only other class he shared with Scott and he didn't have Beck there as a buffer. Scott had moved from his normal spot, sitting at the side of the room and wasn't looking at him.

Derek tried not to look at Scott either, but every few minutes he found that he was staring at Scott and had missed what the teacher had been saying. Each time he pulled his eyes from Scott, it was like tearing off skin or picking a scab that was meant to help him heal.

It wasn't until practice when Coach sat the team on the mat that his thoughts were finally able to stop drifting 272

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towards Scott. "I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of you guys. First, I want to congratulate you. Second, I want to state one thing I know with absolute certainty. Waltham is just as good as they were last year. They have the same team members and wrestled with just as much skill. You are the ones who have changed. You have become tighter and more focused as a group. As individuals, you have each improved tremendously."

Derek considered Coach's words. He was right. The Waltham team hadn't changed. They had. The parallel to his own life hit him hard. He had changed too. He wasn't the same person he had been last year.

"This season is clicking boys, and in three weeks, when we go to division, we stand a very good chance of winning the title of division champions. For those of you who have been on the team for the past three years, that would be an incredible way to finish your high school careers." For the past three years he had also solidified his protective shell, but this year he had allowed it to weaken. He had let someone else through his coat of armor and had felt like a champion.

"It will be something you will always remember, even if you never wrestle again after this year. We need to continue to push. Nothing is guaranteed until division is over." That's where the coach lost him. He didn't want to push. Pushing is how he got himself into trouble and it was why he was feeling so miserable right now. His internal reverie was broken by the team's cheer.

Josh worked them hard that day. He took them to the weight room after warm-ups and had each of them design a 273

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three-day workout circuit. They had been split into three groups and would be working out together. One group began with upper body muscles, another group began with lower body muscles, and a third group devised aerobic exercises to build endurance. They would be able to complete five cycles before the division championship.

Even though it wasn't as difficult to see Scott at practice, it still hurt knowing that Scott was right there. Looking at him dressed in clothes that revealed the body that Derek had come to love touching and kissing, reminded him of what they no longer had and those were the moments that he needed to distract himself. A number of times, during lulls in the practice, he would look over at Scott, but Scott remained aloof and would not return his gaze.

After practice, Derek walked towards Scott, hoping that they would walk out to his car together, but Scott grabbed his bag and headed out of the athletic building. Following him, Derek tried to catch up, but Scott was practically running and Derek realized that he was going to walk home.
Fine, be that
way.
Getting into his car, Derek blasted his radio and drove home, anger surging through him like bolts of lightning. If this was what he should expect from trying to open up to feeling love and emotion, it wasn't worth it. It had been far easier and safer to hide behind his protective defenses. He promised himself that he would never allow himself to become vulnerable again. No one would cause him to feel as miserable and empty as Scott had made him feel. The promise was that much easier to keep since Scott had 274

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secluded himself from everyone. He sat by himself in classes, ate lunch on his own, and remained silent during practices.

Over the next couple of weeks, Derek became more and more withdrawn, but he made sure he still appeared cheerful when he was around people. Practices were the only time when he actually felt it was safe to push his defenses aside.

Concentrating on his body, the interplay of his mind and his muscles, improving his technique, were things that he could focus on and do without emotion. These were physical things that he could improve upon alone. It was simple mechanics.

Put this arm here. Move my leg this way. Next time lower my
body a couple of inches.
Even Scott's presence wasn't enough to distract him from his focus during practices.

On Monday, the week before division, Beck asked Derek to eat lunch with her in the senior lounge. It was usually empty during the senior lunch period and would give them a chance to talk alone. Not liking the serious tone in her voice, Derek agreed hesitantly. Once they had grabbed their lunches, they headed to the senior lounge and settled into two seats by the window. Derek took a big bite out of his sandwich and watched the snow lightly dance through the air, drifting to the ground and forming a thin white blanket over the grass and fallen twigs. It was a peaceful scene.