Wrestling With Desire (28 page)

Wrestling With Desire

by D.H. Starr

with the guys." With that, Scott got out of the car, slammed the door, and walked into his house.

Derek was stunned by Scott's outburst. He knew that he shouldn't have pushed the topic, but he half hoped that his obvious desire to spend time with Scott would at least soften him up a bit. He hadn't expected for Scott to get so angry.

As he drove himself home, he chastised himself for not realizing that Scott had spent time thinking about the differences between their parents. He felt kind of stupid.
How
could he not have thought about it?
Derek always knew that his mom and dad were great. His next thought came as a sudden blow.
I've taken them for granted
.

Scott did not have such a luxury. His father was gone most of the time, and when he was around he applied tremendous pressure and imposed harsh punishments. Scott's mother was warm and loving, but would not stand up for him to his father. Pulling into his driveway, Derek was feeling quite guilty about pushing Scott. That wasn't what Scott needed from him. He got enough of that at home. Derek should be a source of relief, not an added stress.

Derek's parents were having dinner in the kitchen when he entered the house. They both looked up when he came in. His father was refreshing his mother's wine glass. "You're home early for a Friday night. What's Scott doing tonight?"

"He has some studying to do for a big calculus test on Monday."

His mother's face took on a perplexed expression. "He hasn't come over all week."

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Derek felt his chest begin to constrict. "Well, he's been working on bringing his grade up in that course."

His father began to refill his own wine glass. "I'm sure you boys would rather go out on a Friday night rather than hang in."

It wasn't going to do him any good to pretend that things were ok. All it would do is make him feel guilty. The last thing he needed was to feel another negative emotion. Grabbing a plate from the cabinet, he cut himself a large portion of the lasagna his mother had made and spooned a huge pile of broccoli onto his plate. He looked first at his father, then at his mother, and then began speaking. "Scott got a B- in calculus and his father has told him that he can't go out at all, or use his phone or computer, until he has brought the grade back up to an A. He got A's in everything else, but apparently his father expects him to get straight A's."

As he spoke, he saw his parents' brows crease. His mother watched him studiously, observing his body language. When he finished, she spoke up. "It sounds like Scott is going through a difficult time right now, and has some challenging issues that he is facing at home."

She paused, considering what to say next. "Derek, you
do
know that your father and I are very proud of you and are very happy with your grades. We respect your ability to balance school and wrestling. Your friends have always been good people. We love you very much. There's nothing you could do that would change that." Derek's father's mouth was full so he simply nodded his agreement with what his mother had just said.

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Derek felt a lump form in his throat and took a large gulp of water to push it back down. "Actually, I was just thinking about that in the car." His mother clasped her hands in front of her on the table. "No, not that you had concerns about me.

What I was thinking about is that you both have been really great. You support everything I do, come to all of my meets, and rarely give me any trouble over my grades."

He turned to his mother, giving her a meaningful look. He placed his hand over hers before speaking again. "This is the house where people always want to come because they know that you will feed them." She smiled.

Derek took in a deep breath and sighed. It was so much easier to think the things that he felt. Putting things into words was always such a struggle. "I guess what I am trying to say is thank you. I always just assumed that parents were basically the same, but I'm beginning to see that they're not.

So, thanks for being so cool."

When he finished, his mother's hand reflexively crossed her chest, resting over her heart. Derek could see her eyes become slightly pink and she quickly stood up, taking both her and his father's plates to the sink.

His father looked at him for a moment, and then leaned back in his chair. "I wish you weren't in such a hurry to grow up. It must be all those high school drama shows on the television where all of the kids act like they're twenty-five instead of seventeen. Your mother and I don't expect you to tell us that you appreciate us, son. Your actions tell us all we need to know. You're a good boy. You make good choices. We trust you. That's thanks enough."

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Derek felt the lump begin to form in his throat again. His father had never spoken to him about feelings of trust. The sentimental moment was broken by his father's next comment. "Speaking of parents putting pressure on their kids, how are you coming along with your college applications? Deadlines are the end of this month and we didn't spend all summer trekking up and down the northeast for the fun of it."

Derek smiled briefly.
This is the dad I'm used to
. Grateful for the topic shift, Derek laughed. "I'm almost done with the essays and my applications should be ready to go in the mail by the end of next week."

Satisfied, his father got up, gave his mother, who was still standing by the sink, a kiss, then headed out to the living room, patting Derek on the head as he passed.

Derek was almost finished with his dinner when his mother returned to the table. She sat across from him, watching him eat. It was almost like she was watching him like he was a TV

special on the Nature Channel. "Derek," she paused, looking as if she were struggling to figure out what she wanted to say. "What you just said to us was very insightful. You are growing up so fast. Too fast." She paused again, looking slightly uncomfortable. "Scott is going through something that you have never had to go through. Give him time. He's a good person." She paused again, looking as if she were searching for the right words to say what she was thinking.

Finally she shook her head. "I'm glad you are friends with him. It sounds to me like Scott needs friends right now."

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"Yeah, but I don't really know what I'm supposed to do to help him. It seems like whatever I say lately kind of pisses him off."

The look she gave Derek was filled with a mixture of admiration and a bit of sadness. "I love you, Derek.

Everything about you makes me proud. I have to admit, you have seemed to grow up so much this past year. It makes me a little sad." Derek looked at his mother, not understanding.

"Mothers don't like to see their children grow up. Well, they do, but they don't." Derek was sure that he must have had a perplexed look on his face because his mother started to chuckle. "Listen to me prattle on like a silly old woman.

Mothers never stop seeing their children as the little babies they raised. It's difficult to see that you are becoming a man.

But you are turning into a good man, Derek. A respectable man."

She stared at Derek for an extended moment, and then cleared her throat. "Well, I am sure that you don't want to sit there and listen to your mother go on about how much she loves her little boy. Would you like some more lasagna?"

Derek wasn't sure what brought on his mother's affirmation of her feelings toward him, but she was right, listening to her talk about how proud she was caused him to shift uneasily in his seat. "No, I'm finished. I think I'll just head up to the attic and continue mixing some of my new songs."

"Ok, dear." With that she picked up his plate and returned to the sink. Tired, Derek trudged up to the attic. It had been a long week and today had been particularly long.

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* * * *

The next day Derek and Beck met up at The Garage in Harvard Square. It was a pitiful excuse of a mall, but it was the only one that was close to their homes and allowed them to people watch. Their favorite spot was a pizza shop on the second level. It was an open space and had tables along the railing looking down on the first level. There was one particular table which allowed them to see directly into the news shop which contained a sizable collection of pornographic magazines. The straight and gay porn mags were in the same section on two shelves next to one another.

The two of them liked to play a game where they would choose someone they both thought was cute and predict whether they were gay or straight.

Placing ten single dollar bills on the table between them, they selected their first subject, a man in his mid-twenties with short cropped brown hair and torn jeans. Beck dismissed him immediately. "Too easy. Definitely gay." Derek had to agree and sure enough, after a few minutes of pretending to peruse the auto magazines near the porn rack, he glanced to his side and walked to the shelf with the gay porn.

They continued watching men of varying ages and when they differed on their opinion, would remove one of the dollar bills and place it to the side. When an older man, probably in his forties, entered the store, Derek thought he was straight and Beck was convinced that he was gay. The man walked towards the porn rack and began leafing through various 253

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sporting magazines, finally standing between the shelves which contained the gay and straight porn.

Beck leaned against the railing. "Come on. You know you want to pick out one of those gay mags. You probably have a girlfriend or a wife at home who doesn't have a clue about how to suck dick so you
know
you want the next best thing."

Derek laughed, leaning against the railing as well. He saw a ring on the man's wedding finger. "No, what you want is to look at those hot young girls with breasts that are ten sizes bigger than your wife's and who get into sucking toes and butt play."

Beck laughed. "Go on. Get one of the ones with the beefy guys with shaved chests. You like the guys who pretend that they're tops but who are secretly screaming bottoms. You know that you can't resist the idea of those big boys who lust after dick."

Derek tried to will him to the rack with the straight magazines. "Look at those young girls who claim to be eighteen and who are probably twenty-four. You probably want to grab one of those magazines so you can relive your college days when girls' tits hadn't begun to sag and they got wet all on their own without needing any lube."

Beck turned to Derek. "You know, for a gay guy who has never done anything but kiss a girl, you are pretty good at describing woman parts and their functions."

"Shut up and play the game."

They continued to watch the guy until he finally walked over to the shelf with the gay magazines. "Yes! I knew it.

He's a big old nellie queen." Several of the patrons in the 254

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pizza shop turned to look at her. Realizing she had an audience, she turned to face her onlookers. "Well he is!" The people who had been staring at her replaced their shocked expressions with looks of disapproving irritation, then continued to decide what they were going to order. Beck triumphantly snatched the dollar bill. "First point goes to me."

By the time they had finished the game, Beck had won seven dollars to Derek's measly three. Derek was ready to leave. "Man, I have to work on my gaydar. I can't believe that you can pick 'em out better than me."

Beck flashed him a depraved smile. "It's not you hon, I just channel Judy, Barbara, Madonna, and Cher and it comes to me. It's a gift really."

Derek laughed. "Ok Ms. Diva Thang. Let's spend our winnings on some ice-cream." They left The Garage and walked down the street to Steve's Ice Cream Parlor.

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Chapter 16

Derek continued to pick Scott up before school and drive him home, but after their argument, the natural flow of conversation between them had become uneasy. Their time together became strained. It was hard enough to only grab snippets of time together during the day, but with the added tension that was lingering between them, the time lost some of its intimacy and comfort. Derek missed the passion and emotion of their time alone and didn't know what to do to get back to that place with Scott. On top of that, Scott had become visibly stressed, spending study hall and lunch hours working on calculus, preparing for his upcoming test.

Even though he was upset, Derek refused to allow himself to return to the same feelings of helplessness and anxiety that he had experienced during winter break. Falling into the comfortable security of hiding behind his guard, he spent more time with the guys on the team, focused his energy on perfecting his moves during practice, and continued experimenting with the new sound during his mixing sessions.

With each distraction, there was one fact that was present in his mind at all times. Scott was pulling further away from him and he was allowing it to happen.

On the day before the match against Waltham, Scott joined Derek and Beck for lunch. Derek didn't know what to make of this since Scott had kept to himself for over a week.

Part of him was happy to be near Scott, but his guard caused another part of him to feel nervous and uncomfortable. Beck, 256

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in her usual manner, greeted Scott cheerfully. "Hey there stranger. I was beginning to wonder if you still went to school with us. How is everything?"

Scott looked pale and empty. "I just got my calculus test back. I got a C. I studied as hard as I could and I got a C. My dad is going to serve me my head on a platter."