Wrestling With Desire (25 page)

Turning to Scott, he spoke using a gentle voice. "I'm gonna miss you. Promise that we'll talk at least once a day."

Scott leaned over, placing his hand on the side of Derek's face and curling his fingers behind Derek's neck. Pulling him in, Scott closed the distance between them and kissed him with warm tenderness. The wetness from the inside of his mouth slicked over Derek's lips creating a seal between them as their tongues intertwined. Derek loved their slow sweet kisses, but this particular kiss had a feeling of longing and desire that he hadn't felt before. It felt like Scott needed this kiss and wouldn't let it go. After a few minutes, Scott reluctantly drew his head back and held Derek in a silent gaze. "I'm going to miss you too. More than you can imagine."

* * * *

Wrestling With Desire

by D.H. Starr

terribly, used to seeing him every day, but Scott hadn't called. Derek called frequently and kept getting forwarded to his voicemail. A mixture of real worry and extreme anger soured his mood. His parents asked him a few times what was wrong, but they had no idea that he and Scott were in a relationship, or that he was gay for that matter, so it would sound odd to start complaining that a boy hadn't called him in a few days. Instead, he just grumpily claimed that nothing was wrong and went to the attic to listen to music.

After dinner on Christmas Eve, Derek was unable to contain the thoughts that kept him in his surly mood and decided to call Beck. Being Jewish, she was one of his few friends who was always free from family obligations around the winter holidays. "Hey Beck. I'm about ready to throw my mixing board out the window. Can we get together?"

Beck had called him each day to find out if he had talked to Scott. Derek's proclamation made the question unnecessary at the moment. "Sure babe. Let's meet up at The Syrian Wrap in Central Square. Half an hour sound good to you?"

"Sure. I'll see you there."

A half an hour later, Derek and Beck were sitting at a table by the window, watching last minute Christmas shoppers trudge through the snow and slush. Derek had ordered a chai tea and a chicken Caesar wrap. Beck had opted for a double mocha and a barbeque chicken wrap with extra hot sauce.

Dipping one end of her wrap into the blue cheese dressing that came with her meal, she took a large bite and surveyed Derek. A dollop of blue cheese had pasted itself to the corner 221

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of her mouth and was beginning to drip towards her chin.

"Okay. Just start talking and don't stop until you get it all out.

I will, in my superior manner, sort through your feelings for you when you are finished."

Derek smiled weakly, but was grateful for the chance to vent with someone who knew exactly what was going on with him. "I just don't get it. Everything was going so well. We even admitted that we love each other. We spend all of our time together. He promised me that he would call me every day. And now, nothing. No call. Nothing. I don't know what to think. I mean, I know he was freaked out when he got his report card because his dad had threatened to pull him from the team if he didn't get straight A's, but seriously, could his dad really be upset with all A's except for a B- in calculus?

That's not even a required math class in high school. And even if his dad did pull him from the team, wouldn't you think that he would want to call me to let me know? Also, I have been calling him for the past four days which makes me feel like the lamest, most clingy girl in the world." He held up a hand to prevent the protest that flashed across Beck's face.

"Sorry, Beck, you know what I mean. It's just not like me to go chasing after people. That's all I'm saying. I keep getting his voicemail. I have left several messages telling him I am worried and that I miss him, but still, nothing. I don't know what to think. Part of me is terrified that something has happened to him. I know his plane landed safely because I made him give me his flight information before he left, but still, I don't know what to think." Derek leaned back in his chair and felt his face become hot and his vision began to 222

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blur. A tear escaped his eye and slowly worked its way down his cheek. "Damn it! I hate feeling this way."

Beck had remained surprisingly silent, allowing Derek to get all of his feelings off his chest. "First of all, bravo. I have never heard you string together so many feelings out loud before. Through your music, yes, but with words, no. Good for you. Second, I don't know what to tell you about what's going on with Scott. It could be a million things." Derek's shoulders slumped and he could feel more tears spilling out of his eyes. "Hold on, I said I can't tell you what's going on with Scott. But I can tell you what I think is going on with you."

Derek wiped his eyes and continued to listen as Beck went on. "You have never had to worry about what other people think about you. You have always had friends and, well, have been popular in the traditional sense of the word. Your parents are just the right balance of liberal, but parental, imposing reasonable limits, but trusting you and giving you plenty of freedom. And, of course, you have had me, the utterly fabulous and progressive actor extraordinaire." Derek continued listening, but his expression did not change. "Aw, c'mon, Derek. That was a little funny wasn't it?" When Derek didn't respond, Beck stuck her tongue out at him. "Fine, be that way. What I mean is that you have had me to talk to about being gay. Whatever you have felt or gone through, you haven't had to go through it alone. I have been there every step along the way, still loving you, still accepting you, and still your best friend. So now you are faced with a situation that you have never had to face. You are in love. By 223

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the way, have I mentioned that I am quite jealous of how sweet you guys are together?"

Derek reluctantly grinned. "Maybe a few times."

"You've allowed your feelings to get tied up into him, and now that he is unreachable and you can't get a feel for what is going on, you feel lost. You've allowed him to connect to your heart, and the uncertainty of what's going on with him right now is tugging at that connection and making you feel uncomfortable. That's normal Derek. You just haven't allowed yourself to get close to anyone in that way before."

Derek considered her words. They made sense in a logical way. But they didn't alleviate any of the discomfort, fear, and anger he was feeling. "I totally get what you are saying, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I can't stand feeling this way."

Beck smiled and shook her head. "Derek, it's not supposed to make you feel better. When you love, you open yourself to hurt. It's just the way it works. Right now you're hurting and you just have to work through it. There is no quick fix here."

Derek's head slumped into his hands and he emitted a loud sigh. Beck couldn't help the smile that pulled at the sides of her mouth. At the same time, she knew that Derek was struggling and it hurt to see him upset. "For what it's worth, I am sure that there is a perfectly good explanation for why he hasn't called you, and when you finally do connect and understand what has been going on with him you will probably feel much better."

Derek considered that and did actually begin to feel a bit better. Knowing what he needed gave him a sense of control 224

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over his feelings. The problem was,
when
would he be able to get Scott on the phone? By the time Derek left to head back home, he felt much better. Not back to normal, but much better than he had felt since vacation began.

The next morning Derek woke to the sound of his cell phone ringing. Glancing at the caller ID, he did not recognize the number. He decided to answer anyway. "Hello."

"Derek! It's me." Scott was talking in a whisper and his voice sounded tense.

Derek felt an immediate sense of relief which, almost as quickly, was replaced by anger. "Where the hell have you been? I have been so worried about you. Do you even have the slightest idea what my imagination has been doing to my nerves?"

Scott was silent. After a few moments he spoke. "Actually, yes, I
can
imagine how you have been feeling because I have been feeling the same way and I am so sorry. My dad was furious when he saw my calculus grade and took my phone away from me. My mom woke me up this morning and gave me her cell so I could call you. She said that she's been worried about me ever since we came out here. I haven't really been all that pleasant."

Derek felt his anger dissipate as he realized that Scott had wanted to call him the whole time, but had been prevented from doing so by his father. He also felt a searing hatred towards Scott's father. "Beck figured there would be a logical explanation. I was just too miserable imagining that you..."

He couldn't finish the sentence. "Anyway. It's so good to hear your voice. Merry Christmas. I miss you."

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"I miss you, too. I wish I were home with you instead of here." As angry as he had been, as stressed, worried, and despondent, hearing Scott call Cambridge his home caused Derek's heart rate to speed up a bit. Scott's next comment brought him back to the shitty situation the two of them were in. "Dad has been...well...difficult."

"Are you going to be able to wrestle when you get back?"

Scott's voice was steady as he replied, "That hasn't been determined yet, but Mom says that he probably won't pull me from the team. She did say that he would probably restrict my activity until I bring my calculus grade up and I won't get my cell back. But I'll still be able to be on the team."

"That's good. At least he's not taking everything away."

"Yeah, I guess." Scott's voice sounded resigned. "But I still feel like I'm being punished harshly and that life will probably feel like a prison, even with wrestling to distract me." Derek felt a slight sting that Scott hadn't included him on the list with wrestling as something that could distract him, but pushed the thought aside realizing that this conversation was not about him, it was about Scott. "Anyhow, Mom said I couldn't stay on the phone long. I really wanted to hear your voice and to wish you a Merry Christmas. I'm sorry that I haven't called. Can you forgive me?"

Derek's heart softened and all he wanted to do was to make Scott realize that everything was alright. "There's nothing to forgive. I can't wait to see you when you get back."

"Me, too. I gotta go."

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Derek heard the other end of the phone click. Closing his phone and leaning back in bed, he took in a deep breath. It felt cleansing and he realized that a huge weight had been lifted off his chest. But there was a nagging feeling inside him as well. In this conversation a nervous and subordinated side of Scott revealed itself. It seemed like the self-assured and confident person that Derek had become accustomed to was missing. He hoped that when Scott came back, whatever was missing would also come back.

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Knowing that Scott was back in Cambridge, but being unable to talk to him, made the Sunday night before returning to school the most stressful of the entire vacation for Derek. He wanted to see Scott, away from other students, in the privacy of the attic. He needed to feel Scott's arms around him, to feel their lips pressed together. He wanted to see Scott's eyes, those blue-green windows which were always open to him, so that he could know without any doubt that Scott still loved him.

Listening to music and mixing hadn't helped to distract him. Beck's phone call earlier that evening had only served as a momentary reprieve from his concerns, leaving him feeling even more alone and scared once they hung up.
Please, let
things be good tomorrow.
Derek went to bed fretful and unable to sleep. As he tried to fall asleep, Derek began to create scenarios of what their reunion would be like the next day. Some of the scenarios made him feel warm and tingly.

He imagined walking to school and seeing Scott waiting by his locker with his crooked grin spread across his face and furtively whispering the things he needed to hear. Other scenarios increased his anxiety, leaving him tense and worried like imagining Scott sitting forlorn and removed, trapped by the weight of his father's unreasonable expectations.

The next morning, Derek, who had slept intermittently, constantly waking up thinking about Scott, was exhausted 228

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and drained. With little energy, he prepared for school and headed out. When he arrived at Brampton, the school was already bustling with students. Some had copper tans or peeling faces from their tropical vacations. Others were bundled in new down coats, purchased at ski slopes in New Hampshire or Vermont. There was an air of excitement and newness which shone in the faces of the students. Derek became immediately aware that he shared none of this excitement with his classmates. He had one thing on his mind...seeing Scott.

Walking into the building, he quickly made his way upstairs, holding his breath when he turned the final corner where his locker was located. Scott wasn't there. He blew the breath he had been holding in a slow controlled exhale, the disappointment crushing the last of his hope for a happy reunion. The only thing that cheered him up was when Beck showed and gave him a hug. "You look awful Derek.

Smiling with half-hearted energy, he returned Beck's hug.

"Thanks. That's a lot better than I actually feel right now."

Beck placed a comforting arm on his shoulder. "Come on, I'm the one who is supposed to have the bipolar mood swings, remember." She grabbed his arm. "Let's get to class."