Wrestling With Desire (12 page)

Why couldn't things go back to the way they were before Scott showed up? The questions flew through his mind at a fever pitch as the music swelled to even louder heights.

As the song reached its climax, Derek realized the one thing he hadn't wanted to admit. Beck had been right. He should have listened to her. He hadn't been careful, and this was the price he was paying for it. Once the confession had been made, his senses began to return to him and he realized that the music had been at a frenzied, rave-like tempo for far too long. He began the process of fading out each of the components until the vocals and beat were all that remained.

Once they had been faded out as well, Derek was rewarded with a screaming cheer from the crowd. Everyone waved their hands in the air, wiped the sweat from their brows, and began mingling again.

Derek had to admit that it was quite a satisfying feeling to know that he was responsible for that moment in time. The feeling was quickly replaced by a different, far worse, feeling.

Emptiness. Loss. The feeling of hopes dashed. He didn't know if the hurt was in his chest, his heart, his head, or all over, 101

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but it was inside and now that the music had stopped, it was all he could feel.

"That was
fucking amazing
!" The voice had come from directly behind him and Derek jumped and whirled around bumping directly into Scott, tripping over his foot. Scott wound an arm around Derek's waist to stabilize him and left it there. It took Derek a moment to register what had happened.

"How long have you been behind me?" Derek tried to control the thumping of his heart as he stood closer to Scott than he ever had before, held in place by Scott's arm. The hand at his side burned, filling the emptiness, replacing it with something else...something feral. Nothing else existed in that moment except for him, Scott, and Scott's hand touching him.

"Well, I was dancing with that Susan girl. And then the music started to, I don't know, it got inside my head. She was grinding against me but all I could think of is that I wanted to come and watch you mix the song, so I ditched her. I was actually standing right in front of the mixing board for a while, but you were so focused on what you were doing that you didn't notice me standing there. It was amazing to watch.

So I decided to get out of the way of the dancing and lean against the wall over here to watch you."

Scott removed his hand from Derek's waist, sending a wave of panic through him. He didn't want the emptiness to come back. But Scott touched him again, this time placing his hand on Derek's shoulder.
Don't ever stop touching me.
When Scott continued talking, Derek was only half listening. "You 102

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are incredible. I see what you mean now by controlling the crowd. You totally brought everyone up into that place you created and then brought them back down. It was like magic.

You could make some serious money doing this you know."

Derek was glad that the room was dark. The heat from his face promised that he was most likely crimson at this point.

"Like I said, the mixing is a way for me to get out what I feel."

"So what were you feeling then? It must have been pretty intense."

Scott's hand touching him. The whirlwind of anger and despair he had just experienced. The ups and downs. It was all too much. He couldn't continue with the guessing and wondering any longer. The time had come for taking a chance. He had taken a chance the other day in his room and it had paid off. He had to do it again. He had to know once and for all what Scott might be to him.

Everything inside of Derek screamed for him to stop. To think about what he was doing before it was too late. But the time for thinking had passed. The time for caution was over.

What could be between them was worth whatever price he might have to pay.

"Uh, Scott, would you like to get a drink? People seem to be socializing now and I am pretty hot. I wouldn't mind stepping outside for a breath of fresh air before I begin again." Derek wasn't sure how he was going to handle the next few minutes with Scott, but one thing he knew for sure.

If he didn't step outside he was going to pass out.

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"Yeah, I actually grabbed you a bottle of water. I had it when I came over before, but you were lost in that song."

Scott handed Derek the bottle of water. It was still cold and Derek ran it over his forehead, and then held it against the heated flesh of his neck. Scott's eyes followed the bottle where it touched Derek and he had to jerk them back to Derek's face. "Josh has a back yard right? I've noticed others going in and out through the kitchen sliding door."

"Yeah, he does, let's go." Derek popped a mix tape into the stereo and then followed Scott through the kitchen and onto the patio where a few students were hanging out and chatting.

"Derek, that was amazing." It was Power.

"Uh, thanks." Derek shifted uncomfortably. He wanted to be alone with Scott. "Listen, I left something I need in my car. Scott and I are going to go and grab it. We'll be back in a few minutes."

Walking down the steps, they headed around the house and stopped in the shaded driveway. The breeze outside felt soothing and cleared Derek's head.

Scott leaned against a car. "So, what did you forget?"

"What? Oh, uh..." Derek's mind was spinning. There was only one thing that he could concentrate on and the topic was standing in front of him. Adrenaline pulsed through his veins as he worked up the courage to begin speaking.

"Everything alright?"

Derek looked at Scott. "Yeah. No. I'm not sure. Being outside feels good." He repeated the fragmented statements he had just uttered in his head and laughed out loud.

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"You sure you're ok?" Scott's eyes narrowed and he placed his hand on Derek's shoulder once again. The warmth of Scott's touch brought Derek back to the moment.

"What I meant to say is, yeah, I'm fine. That last song was intense and being outside feels good right now." It was the truth, although it had nothing to do with what he wanted to talk about or why they were standing together in a shaded driveway.

Scott accepted the comment. "So, what were you feeling when you mixed that song?"

Derek considered how he should answer. The same voice that had spoken to him earlier in the week, spoke to him once again.
This is your last chance, Derek. Once you take this
step, there's no going back.
Questions raced through Derek's mind. Could he tell him? Should he? The voice spoke once more.
You've kept this to yourself all these years. Why
change now and risk everything?

Once the question had been asked, the answer became clear to him. The obviousness of why he needed to take this chance now caused him to laugh once again. It wasn't a nervous laugh, but one of surprise and relief. The simple fact was that everything
had
changed for him when he met Scott.

Now, he was risking everything by
not
telling Scott the truth.

What was the worst thing that could happen? Scott would be disgusted by him, tell everyone that he was gay, and he would be a social outcast for the rest of his senior year. That was only a few months and then he'd be off to college. But to
not
take a chance, to
never
know if Scott could accept him as gay or, dare he hope, feel the same way, was simply way too 105

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big a risk. It was becoming harder and harder to maintain his guard and to play it safe where Scott was concerned. He took in a deep breath and let it out through pursed lips.

"You're acting kind of strange. Are you
sure
you're ok?"

There was no accusation or judgment, only genuine concern.

Small wrinkles appeared on Scott's forehead.

I can't let him worry. It's now or never. "
Scott. I've never been better, but there's something that I need to tell you."

Now that the moment was here, he couldn't wait to begin.

Scott laughed nervously and gave Derek an odd look.

"Ok."

Derek shifted restlessly where he stood. "Can we walk for a little bit? I think I'd like to move around." Scott nodded and Derek led them to the end of the driveway and began walking down the street. He wanted to take this risk, but he didn't want others around if Scott freaked out.

"Uh, Derek, where are we going?" Although Scott was being an extremely good sport, his voice wavered, revealing his growing tension and nervousness.

Derek laughed, then stopped and turned to face Scott.

"You asked me what I was feeling while mixing that song. I'm going to tell you. I just want us to be alone when I do."

The look he gave Scott caused Scott's mouth to fall open as he drew in a deep, shuddering breath. Letting it out slowly, he regained his demeanor. "You look so...you look..."

Whatever he was trying to say, Derek felt Scott's eyes bore straight into him where everything that mattered could be found.

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Derek saved him from having to continue. "I was feeling...desire." Scott closed his mouth and stood silently, his eyes never moving from Derek's. "I was thinking about how my life had been going along and suddenly everything changed. In a good way, I mean. There is a part of me that I have always known. Something that makes me different. And I've always been afraid that if I let anyone know, if I revealed my big secret, that my life would become hopeless and difficult." Derek replayed the words and mentally agreed that they were accurate. "But this secret is also something that has made me feel special and strong. It's made me know that when I'm ready, I will be able to truly be who I am instead of trying to be someone who I'm not." Derek shook his head.

"I'm beating around the bush and I don't mean to."

Derek took a large gulp of water and swallowed hard.
Just
say it. Get it over with.
"Since I met you, my feelings have become crystal clear. I now have a face and a name to attach to the feelings I have always had." As he spoke, he felt all of the tension and anger seep from his pores. All of his jealousy, hurt, and doubt dissipated into the night.

Scott was staring directly at Derek and it seemed as if he were holding his breath. Derek realized he still hadn't said the most important part of what he had been trying to say.

"When I saw you and Susan together, I felt incredible jealousy and...and a sense of loss. You see, I didn't want Susan to be able to have you that way. I know I'm totally out of line by saying this, but I have to say it. I can't stop or I'll
never
say it."

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Derek could hear Scott take in a short breath as understanding began to register in his face. Derek didn't care whether his comments were being received well or if they were freaking Scott out. He had to get through this. To get it out. "Ever since I met you, I've been having these...feelings.

Ones that I have never had before. And, while it scares me, while I may live to regret telling you any of this, the truth is, I was thinking of you while I was mixing that song and the desire was..."

Derek registered Scott's movement first and then felt Scott's hands on either side of his face. He felt himself being pulled towards Scott and their lips met in a fevered kiss. Scott wrapped one hand behind Derek's head, twining his fingers into his hair and pulling him in deeper. His other hand snaked around Derek's waist and squeezed him into a tight embrace.

Opening to Scott's eager mouth, Derek allowed their tongues to swirl around each other. He felt his crotch stir and harden, uncomfortably constrained within his jeans for the second time that evening. When Scott ground himself against Derek, he could feel that Scott was just as aroused.

After blissful minutes, which felt like hours, Scott slowly drew his head back and stared into Derek's eyes. "I have wanted to do that since the first day I met you."

Derek's emotions flooded through him as his eyes burned and his vision became blurry. It was only when Scott gently took his finger and traced it along Derek's cheek that he realized he was actually crying.

Looking slightly concerned, Scott pulled back and put his hands on either side of Derek's neck, gently tilting his head 108

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up so that they were facing each other. "Why are you crying?

What's wrong?"

Derek held Scott's stare. "Absolutely nothing." His voice had never been stronger. He had never been more certain of anything in his entire life. "I've dreamed about this."

Scott smiled. "Me too."

"No seriously, I literally had a dream that you kissed me, almost exactly like this, the first day I met you. That night after we went on our first run."

Scott became serious, pulling Derek close into his arms, and whispered those two words one more time. "Me too."

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Wrestling With Desire

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The next morning, Derek stayed in bed as long as he could. During the night his kiss with Scott replayed over and over and adrenaline had surged through his veins, making it difficult for him to fall back to sleep. He tried to recall the exact order of events. No matter how hard he tried, all he could focus on was Scott grabbing him on the sidewalk and pulling them together into that kiss. Scott pressing their hard-ons together. Scott whispering to him that he had dreamed about their kiss as well.

During the spare moments that their mouths weren't devouring each other in the car outside his house, he and Scott had agreed to go for a run that morning and then hang out in Harvard Square. Finally, at around 7:00am, he got up, threw on some sweats, noticed that they tented out in the front, and headed down to the kitchen anyway since his parents were still asleep. Putting on a pot of coffee, he began preparing some eggs and toast.
I wonder when it would be
late enough to call him.