Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! (17 page)

This means you have Separated Rights (see the end of this chapter) to the characters in the film. Which could mean that the movie is a SEQUEL to a movie you wrote or that the characters are from some kind of SOURCE MATERIAL that you wrote. A great way to get this one (and a great way to get your movie made) is to WRITE A COMIC BOOK FIRST. No joke. This is sometimes faster than writing a script first, in terms of selling your movie. Especially if the idea is “high concept.” This term is often misunderstood. High concept does not mean “art-house-fancy idea” but rather an easy-to-understand idea, like “what women want.” Or almost any Wayans Brothers or Rob Schneider movie. It means “a very simple concept.”
30 Days of Night
is “high concept.” Vampires in Alaska, where the sun doesn’t come out.
30 Days
was taken out to Hollywood as a movie pitch by its authors, and it received little interest. THEN—they made a comic book of it and started a BIDDING WAR
*
for the movie rights!

Another credit that pretty much never happens. This means you “shaped” the script, but you didn’t qualify for “Screenplay by” credit. Boo. Cue the sad music. This credit and “Narration Written by” are like the ugly stepsisters whom you keep up in the attic and don’t mention when nice people are around. Fighting for “Adaptation by” credit is like measuring to see which Smurf has the biggest schlong. At the end of the day,
they’re all just Smurf schlongs.

& and AND

This is a very specific little detail that you’ve seen on movie posters a hundred times but maybe not noticed: the use of the ampersand symbol or the word “and.” There’s a BIG difference when
&
or
and
appears between writers’ names:

& means the two named writers worked TOGETHER, as a team (Robert Ben Garant & Thomas Lennon).

AND means that they very specifically DID NOT WORK TOGETHER, but have been forced to share credit (Robert Ben Garant & Thomas Lennon AND Lowell Ganz & Babaloo Mandel).

Keep an eye out on movie posters; you’ll see lots of interesting examples of this one. (It’s our little inside way of letting people know that THE PERSON ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORD “AND” came up with all the stuff in the movie that nobody liked!) Whew. Thank heavens for that “AND,” ’cause some of that stuff was awful!

Separated rights are a truly wonderful thing, and they’re hard to get. If you can ever get them: GET THEM! And then quickly scurry away with them before the studio attorneys pry them away from your weak, carpal-tunnel-ruined hands. Separated rights means you have your own copyright-style RIGHTS to the characters or material and that the studio CANNOT MAKE A SEQUEL or do really anything with the material WITHOUT YOUR INVOLVEMENT
(pronounced: paying you).
To get these, you must either:

Create an original story and receive “Story by,” “Screen Story by,” or “Written by” credit.

Or get one of those three credits off of assigned material (source material or someone else’s script), where you create a SUBSTANTIALLY new and different story.

With separated rights come a lot of perks and a little bit of empowerment, which ALMOST NEVER HAPPENS TO SCREENWRITERS. Cool stuff, like the first option to write sequels, stuff like that. (See
Chapter 31
, “Sequels!”) Hurrah for separated rights! Now, quickly! Scurry down into your burrow with those rights … everyone HATES when writers have power. Hide those rights in your warren beside your precious nuts and those shiny things you found out by the farmer’s digging machine!

There are a few other aspects of credits that are boring but important. For example, the
ORDER
of the names of writers is in order of who did the most work to who did the least—and the Arbitration Committee
(three people) decides that. (See
Chapter 30
, “Arbitration or Who Wrote This Crap?”
If you have the nerve!
)

Oh, and if the movie COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY SUCKS, you can, if you want, use a PSEUDONYM. But here’s the catch: to use a pseudonym, you have to have been paid LESS THAN $200,000 TOTAL (so in this scenario, you’re going to be dating a Victoria’s Secret model in her
midseventies
) and … you have to register that fake name with the Guild, so it has to be “reasonable.” You can’t use “Guillermo St. Farts,” for example.

Downtown L.A., where nobody goes ’cause it’s full of crack zombies.

Living in L.A. takes some adjusting to. It’s not like other cities. Some would argue that it’s not a city at all but a big sprawling suburb with no city attached.

FACT: People who live in Los Angeles spend more time stuck in traffic than in any other city in the United States. We average seventy hours a year in our cars—that’s DOUBLE the time in the next worst city. You know where we learned that? Listening to NPR, stuck in traffic. So …

When you move to L.A., you will need a few “CAR HOBBIES”:
valuable, time-filling hobbies you can pursue for the several hours a day that you’re stuck in traffic.

Tom listens to NPR (89.3 FM), listens to books on tape, and has learned two foreign languages, all in his car, since he moved to L.A.! Ben listens to NPR and the right-wing radio station KFI (640 AM) and has figured out five different positions for having sex in a Jeep Sahara while driving! Take that, Kama Sutra!

Other people fill their traffic time by texting, getting REALLY good at karaoke (which is almost as big as Scientology here) or smoking marijuana! (Which is practically legal in L.A.) But whatever you do, no matter what you’ve heard, do NOT shoot at other people on the freeway. It’s so ’90s.

So—what do you do with the
several
hours in the day

when you’re NOT in your car?

MYTH: You can go out to some nice quiet beach, park, bar, or coffee shop and get a little writing done.

FACT: If you write in public here in Los Angeles, everyone will assume you are a douchebag. Sure, in other cities you can sit quietly in a Starbucks or a bar with your notebook or laptop and write all day.
Not in L.A.
If you do that here, one of two things will happen:

1. One of every four people will come up to you and ask, “What are you writing? A screenplay?” They will then tell you about
their
screenplay or their goals as an actress or talk for an hour about some up-and-coming project they’re working on (which DOES NOT REALLY EXIST).

2. The other three out of four people will assume you’re a douchebag who’s writing in Starbucks to meet girls.

Writing in L.A. is like cocaine: do it in private unless you want to share.

There are only two bars in L.A. where we write:

The Village Idiot

7383 Melrose Avenue

Los Angeles, CA 90189

(323) 655-3331

Great drinks, great food, great owners, and if you sit by the window, watching girls walk by on Melrose is like watching a never-ending magic trick. It’s like you died and went to filthy teenage girl heaven, sponsored by Ed Hardy and Pilates.

And …

The Cat and Fiddle

6530 Sunset Boulevard

Los Angeles, CA 90028

(323) 468-3800

Nothing fancy, but a great patio. It’s where Morrissey drinks when he’s in town. GO UP AND SAY HI! He’s as friendly as pie!

Just warning you, BOTH of these bars get packed at night, with hipsters and hotties. We usually go during the day, when it’s mostly rummies and aging soccer hooligans.

OTHER STUFF TO DO IN L.A.

L.A. has the best Mexican food in the world. MUCH better than Mexico. Plus, unlike in real Mexico, you won’t get your face sliced off and sewn onto a soccer ball!

Our Favorite Mexican Restaurants

Casa La Golondrina

17 Olvera Street

Los Angeles, CA 90012

(213) 628-4349

The best Mexican food in L.A. Period. Try the margaritas! It’s on old Olvera Street, downtown. Fantastic food, good ambiance, and a great place to people-watch tourists,
Angelenos, and scary Mexican dudes with shaved heads who just got drunk at the Dodgers game. Olvera Street is a great place to take people from outta town too, especially if they want to pick up a framed poster of Tupac or of Tony Montana playing poker with Tony Soprano.

EI Cholo

1121 S. Western Avenue

Los Angeles, CA 90006

(323) 734-2773

The OTHER best Mexican restaurant in L.A. Period. Maybe we shouldn’t have said “period” before. This is the oldest Mexican restaurant in town. Bing Crosby used to eat here. Try the margaritas!

Don Cucos

3911 W. Riverside Drive

Burbank, CA 91505

(818) 842-1123

Right across from Warner Bros. Try the margaritas!

Las Fuentes Mexican Restaurant

18415 Vanowen Street

Reseda, CA 91335-5312

(818) 708-3344

WAAAAAAAAY out in the valley, but the make-your-own-salsa bar is worth the drive.

La Serenata de Garibaldi

1842 E. 1st Street

Los Angeles, CA 90033

(323) 265-2887

Don’t be scared by the neighborhood. Actually, DO be scared by the neighborhood: valet park, and run in and out as fast as you can. Once you’re inside, it’s a very romantic spot, the most unique Mexican menu in town. Incredible seafood. Try the margaritas!

And while you’re stuck on the 101 driving home, why not have sex in your Jeep! Or listen to Patt Morrison on NPR! OR BOTH!!!

OTHER STUFF IN L.A.

Best Comic Book Store

Golden Apple Comics

7018 Melrose Avenue

Los Angeles, CA 90038

(323) 658-6047

If you don’t like this place, you’re not a nerd!

Hippest Clubs

Inapplicable. By the time you’re reading this, they will have changed. With one exception—if you want to GUARANTEE you will see at least one or two BIG-TIME movie stars, the best bar is just a short three-hour plane ride north to:

The Gerard Lounge

Sutton Place Hotel

845 Burrard Street

Vancouver, BC V6Z2K6

Canada

(604) 682-5511

or

Tallulah Wine Bar

155 S. Bates Street

Birmingham, MI 48009

(248) 731-7066

Yes, the best L.A. movie-star bars in Canada or Michigan. Both which give big film tax breaks.

Best Cheap Thing to Do

Drive up the coast, stop at a beach, then eat lunch and drink a beer at:

Neptune’s Net

42505 Pacific Coast Highway

Malibu, CA 90265

(310) 457-3095

Cold beer, fried seafood, local surfers, and German yuppies pretending to be bikers. This is as close to culture as we get in L.A., and we couldn’t recommend it highly enough. It’s where Lori Petty’s character worked in
Point Break
! Lori Petty works there now, for real!

Best Neighborhood

The Grove

189 The Grove Drive

Los Angeles, CA 90036

(323) 900-8080

Sure, it’s a make-believe neighborhood—but then, isn’t all of L.A.? Take a stroll down the “street,” catch a movie, dine at the historic Farmers Market, and watch Angelenos in their natural habitat, doing what they do best: walking around in thongs and spending a fortune on Baby Gap and iPhones.

And—

Get the hell out of Los Angeles—with all the buckets of money you’ve made screenwriting!

We recommend these very easy,
extremely
expensive weekend getaways!

The Halekulani

2199 Kalia Road

Honolulu, HI 96815

(808) 923-2311