Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! (30 page)

WILL

This is how you treat OUR KIND in Ohio.

MOTEL CLERK

Why don’t we call the Boy Scouts?

WILL

Boy? Do I look like a BOY — to you?

Etc. They get free rooms. Next time they try the Four Seasons.

Will shows them how to earn a “how to siphon gasoline” badge. He can’t tie knots, but he can break out of handcuffs. He teaches the kids CONS. It’s delightful and hilarious, and they pay their way across the country and get out of jams.

MEANWHILE:

The marshal is on their trail. He asks Dianne if she’s seen Will. She LIES and says she hasn’t. Grandma thinks Dianne may still have feelings for him. Then the marshal finds out about Mike’s winning the game against the Heat. Maybe Will would try to find his son and be at that game. “I know I would.”

The cops are on the trail. With the search for Will widening and the GAME in four days, it’s a race against the cops and the clock.

THE TROOP:

As the troop starts working together, they all start to bond. Will makes them brush up on their b-ball skills (wow — they suck).

How the hell do they expect to not EMBARRASS themselves against the Heat? They hadn’t thought of that. Will tries to teach them regulation basketball — drilling, etc. Trouble is, even WILL has no idea how to play good clean regulation basketball. They continue sucking.

Mike begins to open up to Will. Will tries to get them to believe in themselves a little — the advice of a con on how not to follow in his footsteps.

HALFWAY THROUGH THE MOVIE: THE COPS ALMOST CATCH WILL.

There’s a police ROADBLOCK looking for Will, and they’ll never get through it. When this happens and Will turns back — Mike and the kids figure out that Will is on the lam. Will tells them who he is. Mike is furious. He’s always hated his dad (who he’s never known), then THIS is how he comes back into Mike’s life — by LYING.

Will is crushed. Mike’s right. But — he promised to get them to Miami, and he will. He needs money — so he does some kinda awesome three-card-monty scam on the street. The guy Will takes for $300 is a small-town off-duty cop — who makes the connection and reports Will.

Will BRAVES a bus station, as cops pull up and surround the station. He buys FIVE TICKETS To MIAMI.
Even though he’s not going to make it to Miami, the KIDS will
. He’s truly risking it all for the kids, and the kids see that.

He gives the kids their tickets and says a teary good-bye. And the kids YANK him into the van and peel out.

When the cops try to chase them, NONE OF THEIR CARS WILL START. The kids stole all of their alternators. That’s as far as they got in “BASIC AUTo REPAIR.”

They’ve now BOTH risked their necks — for each other.

Will and Mike talk as father and son. Mike, who hated him before, because he thought he was selfish, sees that Will loves him, loves his mom — did everything he could for them. He wanted his son to go to college, have a better life — but he made a few mistakes, and he doesn’t want his son to make the same ones. Mike says he wants to be just like him. Will tells him no, don’t be a con man. Mike can be better than that. He can do anything he puts his mind to.

They call Dianne to tell her they’re all right. Mike makes Will talk to his mom. She’s furious, but when she finds out that Will’s doing it for Mike — she’s slightly less furious. She goes after them.

NOW THEY’VE ESCAPED THE COPS
.

The kids ask Will — “Now what?”

WILL

Now what? Now —
we’re going to BEAT the Heat
.

Will starts training them like a real basketball team, to beat the Heat the only way they could possibly have a chance — dirty. He teaches them how to draw the foul and how to make a big show, pretending to be hurt.
He teaches them how to get inside the Heat’s heads. Etc
.

It’s only going to be a five-minute
exhibition game, so here’s the plan: When the Heat come out, they’re gonna play up how cute they are, play to the crowd, play cutesy, friendly ball — the Scouts have to get as big a lead as possible before the Heat see what’s going on.

Then — foul Shaq, and work the clock.

The marshal is on their trail.

He sees that Will only bought five children’s tickets — he was going to send the kids to the game without him? Then the kids saved HIM? Hmmm.

They make it to Miami, stealing gas and eating with other people’s credit cards. At one point, they play a bunch of WHITE GUYS in a game of street basketball, to try to hustle them for five hundred bucks. The Scouts LOSE to the white guys. (THEY HAVEN’T LEARNED TEAMWORK YET.)

Then, at the Florida State line, they stop at a casino, even though they’re late. The Scouts are very disappointed in Will, who seems to be back to his old tricks — he sells their van and bets the money. Now they have no van. Will has to dress as a valet and steal a camper to get to Miami.

In Miami, the marshal is close on their trail. The marshal is WAITING for them at the game.

They make it to the AMERICAN AIRLINES ARENA. Will wants them to look GOOD, so he SEWS a bunch more badges on their uniforms from a pouch he stole from the old master: “Bird watching — you see that bird over there, good, you got your bird-watching. Basket weaving??? You don’t want that one.”

GAME DAY:

Will knows that if he goes out as their coach, he’ll get caught. Mike and the other scouts insist that he not go out — he’s brought them this far, they can do this alone. They thank him for everything and tell him to get away. Father and son tell each other, “I love you.”

The Scouts go out to face the Heat — and Will comes out to coach them. The cops move in to arrest him, but the marshal holds them off — he wants to see the game. Dianne is there, cheering the Scouts on.

THE GAME:

The fans LOVE the cute little Scouts. Shaq greets the adorablest little Scout. The Scout tells him, as tough as Clubber Lang,

“You’re going down — you ain’t twenty-three any more, old man.”

The Scouts play dirty, making a few masterful shots and drawing
incredible
fouls, flinging themselves across the floor in so much pain, the refs and crowd start booing the Heat.

With a minute left, it’s a tie game. The HEAT call a time-out.

Angry and humiliated,
the Heat start playing for real
. It’s an amazing game, the adorable Scouts are punching Shaq in the crotch and getting technicals, Will is screaming in the REF’S faces.

The game has only 45 seconds to go, AND IT’S STILL TIED. The marshal wants to see the end of the game.

In the end, Mike PASSES instead of shooting (he’s learned teamwork) and his teammate scores at the last second and wins the game.

Dianne sees what Will has done for Mike and the kids. She and Mike admit he’s got a lot of work to do — but she’s gonna give him a second chance.

The marshal takes Will away, but, due to the extenuating circumstances, he’ll see if he can pull some strings. Maybe they won’t add any time to his sentence — he’ll be out in a few years …

His son will be waiting for him. So will Dianne.

BACK IN DETROIT:

The Scouts are heros. A few are offered scholarships — but not Mike. Maybe next year.

Mike tells his mom that Will loves her as much as she loves him, and Grandma makes (another) miraculous recovery. He tells Mom that Will is a changed man, no more scams and cons — but then … a bookie comes to the door about a bet Will made while at the casino. “Oh, no — not again.”

But when Will sold the van, he put the money — $2,000 — on the Scouts to beat the Heat. The odds were 1,000–1.

They’re rich, and Mike’s going to college.

Will’s in prison, looking forward to their visits, biding his time, and forming a youth basketball team for troubled younger criminals. He’s a new man.

THE END.

Treatment

by

Robert Ben Garant

&

Thomas Lennon

For the tone, think PG FUNNY/SCARY FAMILY COMEDY, à la
Night at the Museum
meets
Gremlins
.

FADE IN:

EXT. MARTHA’S VINEYARD — EARLY WINTER

The picture-perfect island in New England.

The LOCALS are salt-of-the-earth New Englanders. A hundred years ago, they were fishermen, trappers, and traders, now they all work at COFFEE BEAN & TEA LEAF, YOGURT STORES, ART GALLERIES, and SPAS. Most of the homes on the island are MANSIONS, owned by very wealthy SNOBS, newcomers/snowbirds — who treat the ISLANDERS like “the help.” The LOCALS have to ferry to their homes on the mainland — they can’t afford to live on their island anymore.

The harbor main street looks like ASPEN/ Disneyland — all galleries, coffee shops, and overpriced tchotchke stores. One of the only original things left is an old LIGHTHOUSE, which is now A WHALING MUSEUM. The rich/politically correct VACATIONERS want it closed — because “whaling shouldn’t be glorified.” The folks who work there respond, “um … we’re celebrating whaling
of the 1780s
.”

WE MEET OUR HERO, JOSH (
THINK JESSE EISENBERG
).

He’s just graduated from high school, and he works in a high-end TOY STORE in the harbor shops, where SNOBS shop for way-too-expensive toys for their awful, snotty kids. All day he sells toys to rich SNOBS and their KIDS; some of the kids even have their own American Express BLACK cards. All day, Josh answers
questions like “Do you have those mini Hummers?” (Yes, we do.)

Josh is an ISLANDER, born and raised there. The toy shop where he works is across the street from the old lighthouse whaling museum. He’s at a crossroads in his life, getting ready for college next year, in that awkward stage between being a teenager and being an adult. This will probably be his last summer on the island. His situation is complicated by being madly in love with:

SAMANTHA (20) works in the whaling museum. He’s been her best-friend-but-never-quite-said-he-loved-her since the FOURTH GRADE. Josh knows every inch of the whaling museum by heart from hanging out with Samantha.

But he waited too long: She’s now dating — a rich SNOWBIRD: KENT (30) (
think Ed Helms
), a wunderkind millionaire who owns a fancy HIGHEND TOY COMPANY.

Kent came here this past summer and swept Samantha off her feet.

THE RICH SNOWBIRDS ARE AWFUL.

They treat Josh like shit. They all drive little eco-friendly electric golf carts — they HATE Josh’s beat-up old PICKUP TRUCK, with its huge, thirty-gallon gas tank and 1970s exhaust that shoots out plumes of smoke. The locals kind of wish the island could go back to the blue-collar place it used to be — but it’s too late.

The only person Josh talks to much is the local sheriff: FREDDY “UPTOWN” WILLIAMS (
think Samuel Jackson
). Freddy USED to be a homicide detective in Detroit, for 30 years. But he’s
seen and done way too many terrible
things
, and he “
ain’t never gonna do those things again
.” He took the job on Martha’s Vineyard so he’d “never have to carry a gun, again. Or get shot nine times again, either.” He’s badass … or he was, 20 years ago. He’s SHAFT in semiretirement, only with a fanny pack and helmet, riding around town on a Segway. He doesn’t even carry a gun anymore. He zips around town telling mofos to “please respect our designated smoking areas.”

AS OUR MOVIE BEGINS, SUMMER IS OVER — THE FIRST SNOW IS FALLING, AND THE LAST OF THE SNOWBIRDS ARE LEAVING ON THE FERRY FOR THE WINTER.

One lone man gets off the ferry: a mysterious GUY in a trench coat. He stumbles off the ferry and heads inland, unnoticed.

Josh is relieved that summer is over. Maybe with Kent gone, he can win Sam back. (Even though she has no idea Josh thinks he “lost” her.)

He’s closing up his shop for the night, when a shipment of a dozen new toys arrives, new for XMAS — they are made by KENT’S toy company. They are …

“Instant Monsters.” Supersmart robotic Monsters. Just switch them on, and they “come to life.” Every one is different, some are cuter, some are scarier … but even the “scary” ones are kinda cute. They can hear, respond to noises, explore their environment, remember commands. They look awesome. Josh unwraps the VERY FIRST ONE, and turns it on. It’s cool. Its advanced computer programming makes it SMART — it actually learns!

Without warning, it CHARGES him. Startled, he WHACKS it across the room, accidentally
breaking it. Wires and chips pop out of its insides.
Whoops
.

Just then, Sam and Kent enter. Josh hides the smashed Monster. Kent tells Josh he is NOT leaving for the winter. He’s staying in the new mansion he built on the hill. Kent says, “You should come check it out, Josh. We have a digital projector in the screening room.” Josh, sarcastic: “Yeah, who watches prints anymore? Pfft.”

Kent makes sure that Josh got the shipment of Monsters — he did, twelve of them. Prototypes. Kent’s pleased: he bought the patent to the “Instant Monsters” from a small, family-owned toy company. Seems that Kent is just the “money guy” at his toy company. He’s become so rich by BUYING UP other people’s inventions, then putting the inventors out of business by moving the manufacturing of their toys to China. He did it again with these little Monsters, and he’s gonna make a fortune.

Kent tells Josh they are expecting a delivery of 100 more prototypes, the last ones made in America. It was supposed to be here today. They are gonna sell out fast — they are VERY popular. It’s gonna be a BIG Christmas for Kent’s company — and he’s gonna be rich rich richer than he already was.

Josh is miserable. Kent and Sam bop off, a happy couple, even though Kent is kinda a dick to her too. Bossing her around, telling her to “lay off the cookies, swimsuit season is only five months away.”

Back at Kent’s fabulous mansion, we meet BIG GEORGE, Kent’s fulltime security guard and right-hand man. (
Think Craig robinson
.) George spends most nights in the guardhouse
at Kent’s gate watching
Gossip Girl
. But that night, there’s a little INCIDENT as: