Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! (31 page)

The man in the trench coat arrives at Kent’s gate. It’s MARVIN DALY, the toy maker who invented the Monsters. He’s a little drunk and VERY MAD. Kent promised Marvin he’d be making THOUSANDS of these Monsters but just took the prototypes and put his family-run company out of business. Marvin came with a MANIFESTO that he videotaped for Kent to watch.

George won’t let Marvin in. Big George hates to do it, but he tasers him. Marvin skulks off, yelling “YOU DID THIS, KENT. THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”
Hmm. That’s odd
. George throws the manifesto away.

Back at the store: Josh unwraps another “Instant Monster” and puts it in the window. The new one looks somehow not as friendly — his expression is somehow …
sinister
.

Josh locks the other ten “Instant Monsters” in the storeroom and puts the BROKEN Monster back together. He fits almost every piece back in. (Except for one little leftover fuse. Huh?) When he turns it back on, it works slightly differently. It’s now kind of cute, less hostile — it nuzzles his foot and becomes his friend.

It’s really cool and cute — like Gizmo, the good Gremlin. It has personality and puppy-dog eyes. He plays with it with a LASER POINTER. It can’t resist chasing it, on the floor.

The toy is AWESOME: which REALLY bums Josh out — “Kent’s gonna make a fortune.”

Josh names his Monster … “Something cool? How about: Pierre?” The Monster seems to
like it, wagging his tail. Josh examines the little fuse. Looks kind of like a computer chip? Must be part of their little “brain.” Huh … Pierre accidentally knocks over a glass of water. His foot SPARKS a little when the water spills on him. He seems to be afraid of it too.

Josh looks out the window to see:

Marvin, glowering at the Monster in the toy shop window, with the Monster staring back at him. The sheriff asks Marvin to move along — he’s creeping out the customers. Marvin, in his rage, tells the sheriff and Josh “You’ll all be sorry.” He pushes a BUTTON on a remote control, then heads to the ferry pier, telling them, “The end is nigh!” What a weirdo.

WE SEE: The remote started a COUNTDOWN on the little chip that fell out of Pierre. It’s counting down to midnight. But — at the ferry dock: Marvin MISSES the last ferry out. Whoops. He was reading the summer schedule, not the winter schedule. He’s VERY UPSET that he’s stuck there. He panics —
but why
?

Then, at the stroke of midnight … we see why:

The COUNTDOWN reaches 0 — and the “Instant Monster” in the window turns ON by itself. And he looks MEAN. The Monster in the window ATTACKS Josh. Josh fights him with toys, which is all he’s got. Bats made of NERF, guns that shoot Ping-Pong balls … yelling “Dammit, isn’t there anything in this store that’s dangerous? Thanks, Ralph Nader!” It’s
Die Hard
in a toy store, against a tiny Monster. The Monster is smart: he locks it in a closet — and it finds its way OUT though the air ducts, like
Alien
. The Monster seems to HATE Pierre too, snapping at the
cute little guy. The Monster bites Josh, tearing his pocket off. He gets Josh’s keys and unlocks the storeroom, letting out —
the other ten very mean and very alive “Instant Monsters.”

Josh barely escapes with his life and with Pierre.

The window Monster seems to be the ringleader; he’s bigger and “scarier” than the others (but he’s still only 12 inches tall). Let’s call him SPIKE. He and the ten other “Instant Monsters” chomp and chew anything in their path, like little Tasmanian devils. They wreak havoc on the store. JOSH runs to get help.

MEANWHILE, ALL OVER TOWN — THE “INSTANT MONSTERS” START TO WREAK HAVOC:

One by one, the Monsters attack the rich snowbirds: They pounce on them, on their way to their hot tubs. They lure them out by rummaging through their recycling: “Is that those raccoons again?” They go out with a flashlight — and get mobbed by the tiny Monsters. They act like cute little toys to lure the rich, spoiled children (who gave Josh crap) closer. “Look at that cool toy, Dad! Buy me it!” Spike POUNCES.

It’s like a funny horror movie — only the Monsters are
tiny
.

JOSH GOES TO SHERIFF UPTOWN WILLIAMS FOR HELP …

… who of course, doesn’t believe him: “Little toy Monsters, like that cute guy you’re carrying?” Josh tells him it’s true and that Sheriff Uptown needs to get his guns. Uptown gets an intense look in his
eyes, saying “Josh, I don’t do that anymore. I’ll never touch a gun again … I’ve seen too much craziness … do you know that one time in Detroit I found a HEAD. And wasn’t even nobody looking for it. That was the real sad part.”

Josh SLAPS Sheriff Uptown out of it and drags him to the window, showing him:

That the “Instant Monsters” are devouring Main Street like a flock of TINY GODZILLAS.

Sheriff Uptown downs his coffee with resolve. He opens a locked box and pulls out his huge, dusty gun. He whispers to it, “I swore we’d never dance like this again, Betty, but we got some miniature Monsters to mess up.” Sheriff Uptown also gets his lucky BRASS KNUCKLES. And his sawed-off shotgun. And NUNCHUCKS: “I’ve seen and done some terrible things, Josh.”

Josh: “Yeah, you mentioned that.”

Sheriff Uptown tells Josh to stay put. He struts out to the street — and IS IMMEDIATELY EATEN. In, like, seconds. Oh, well.

SET PIECE: The Monsters DESTROY Main Street. They are eating all of the horrible snobs and stores we came to know and hate. (The cheap, corporate new stores seem to get devoured MUCH faster.)

Josh and Pierre barely escape the insanity. They manage to knock Spike, the Alpha Monster, into a snow blower — where he’s chewed up and spit out into the snow in pieces. But then … the Monster puts itself back together. Its rubber skin now shredded in places, it looks like a ripped-up Terminator. You cannot kill these things.

JOSH AND PIERRE GO TO SAVE SAMANTHA AND FIND KENT.

He
must know how to stop the Monsters — right?

Josh and Pierre get to Kent’s supersecure, state-of-the-art mansion. It’s awesome. With a movie theater and ALL KINDS of security — cameras everywhere, motion sensors, metal shutters that lock in case of a hurricane, etc. Kent’s also a major art collector. He’s got an astonishing collection: a Picasso, a couple Jeff Koons, Remingtons, a Warhol, Chagall, it’s amazing.
Millions of dollars worth of art
.

Sam and Kent and Big George don’t believe Josh. Kent says it doesn’t make sense. They CAN’T go berserk. They’re programmed to be safe toys. And then:

THE “INSTANT MONSTERS” ATTACK KENT’S MANSION.

They see them coming up the driveway: “There’s no time to lose!” Then Kent notices … “Well, they’re pretty small, it’ll actually take them a couple minutes just to get up the driveway … still, let’s hurry.”

The Monsters chew through the power lines, so all the high-tech security doesn’t work at all. Luckily, part of Kent’s theater is still under construction: there are plenty of boards and nails around. The humans have to nail boards up over windows, like in a zombie movie.

While they’re holed up and the Monsters attack … Kent FREAKS OUT. We see his true colors, and he’s an icky scaredy-cat. And he’s freaking everybody out, yelling, crying. He admits he “wet his pants, just a little,
but I’m not gonna change ’em, because it will very likely happen again.”

BUT … BAD NEWS: KENT FORGOT THAT HE HAS THREE PROTOTYPES IN THE HOUSE.

Prototypes of UNRELEASED “Instant Monsters 2.0.”
And those can FLY
. And they are now NAILED in with them.

SET PIECE: They battle the Flying Monsters in the mansion, using the only weapons available:
ART. Millions of dollars worth of art
. Josh seems to be having fun, wrecking millions of dollars of Kent’s art. Kent: “Come on, man, if you’re gonna throw a Jeff Koons sculpture, at least try to AIM!”

They just barely survive. Destroying all but one Picasso, which, Kent points out, “was a print anyway. Only worth, like, ten grand.”

Pierre takes out the last Flying Monster, saving his friends.

Kent is mortally wounded during the fight. Now they’re gonna be dragging his ass around.

GEORGE WANTS TO KILL PIERRE.

He doesn’t trust him, if the others went nuts, so will Pierre. It takes all Josh’s efforts to save Pierre from George and convince him Pierre is okay. George makes it clear that he will NEVER trust Pierre.

Kent has no idea what’s making the Monsters act like this; no one had access to their programming … EXCEPT — Marvin?

George tells Kent — yeah, he was here today … WHAT?

THEY DIG THROUGH THE TRASH TO FIND MARVIN’S DVD.

They watch it. It’s his MANIFESTO. He explains, “This is what happens when you steal everything from small-business man Marvin Daly.” It’s a really LONG video manifesto, explaining how he programmed the Monsters to destroy EVERYTHING at midnight, to ruin Kent’s company, like Kent ruined Marvin’s. “By the time you see this, I’ll be safely off the island, sipping a mai tai and toasting your demise.” Our guys FAST-FORWARD through LOTS of the DVD, as Marvin rambles on and on …

Josh remembers: he saw Marvin as he was closing up the store. There’s no way he made it off the island — he missed the last ferry. If they can find Marvin, maybe he knows how to shut the things OFF!

THEY REALIZE THEIR ONLY HOPE IS TO GET TO MARVIN.

Josh drags injured Kent along as they make their escape. Even as Josh saves him, Kent is kind of a jerk: “Wow, I wouldn’t think a guy as weak-looking as you could carry me.”

They flee in Kent’s eco-friendly golf cart — that goes only 15 mph (where we re-create the “objects in mirror are closer than they appear”
Jurassic Park
joke). The Monsters are faster than the cart — so they have to ditch it.

They make it to town — which has been devoured. We see some mayhem as the Monsters chew up the town and eat some of the SNOBS we hate so much (the folks who were protesting the whaling museum, bitching about Josh’s gas-guzzling truck, etc.). They call out for Marvin.

They find him, holed up in town. Marvin tells them, yes — there is a way to shut them down … BUT MARVIN IS DEVOURED BEFORE HE CAN TELL THEM. “Great. That’s just great.”

THEY HAVE TO GET OFF THE ISLAND!

By now it’s just before dawn and the first ferry is due! They’ve almost made it through the night! They need to make it through the mayhem. They realize they can ride in Josh’s old truck — but they need the keys.

PIERRE SAVES THEIR ASS AGAIN:

He braves the mayhem and gets Josh’s keys from the toy store. He does this by pretending to be an Evil Monster — acting vicious. It works. He gets Josh’s keys, and they make it to the ferry in Josh’s old gas leaking truck.

THEY GET TO THE DOCK JUST AS THE FERRY’S ARRIVING.

The ferry arrives — but it doesn’t stop … it CRASHES into the dock, and we see why: it’s full of the 100 more “Instant Monsters” that were getting delivered. The CREW is DEAD. The Monsters got loose on the boat, broke out of their boxes, and ATE everyone on the boat.

BIG GEORGE HEROICALLY HOLDS THE MONSTERS AT BAY ON THE PIER WHILE THE HEROES MAKE AN ESCAPE, BUT THE MONSTERS SWARM HIM.

And the unthinkable happens: Pierre gets a nasty BUMP and goes bananas. He growls at them — and HE attacks Big George, pushing him off the pier …

The others can’t believe it. The other Monsters leave George and rush after our heroes.

SAM AND JOSH RUN FOR THEIR LIVES, SAM DRAGGING KENT ALONG — THEY HOLE UP IN THE LIGHTHOUSE MUSEUM.

They grab hold of the NOT-MODERN weapons on display in the museum (that still work w/o power or ammunition): WHALING WEAPONS! Harpoons! Hooks! Clubs!

They use ancient whaling weapons to fend off the Monsters. They make it to the top of the lighthouse, surrounded, and fending off the Monsters — like
Dawn of the Dead
.

Then — Josh gets an idea:

HE USES THE LIGHTHOUSE’S
LIGHT
TO DISTRACT THE 100 “INSTANT MONSTERS” (
LIKE HE DID IN THE STORE WITH THE LASER POINTER
).

All of the Monsters chase the light
, outside in the snow. With the Monsters distracted, they can make it to the ferry and get off the island. But —
one
of them has to stay up here, distracting the Monsters, so the other two can escape.

Kent, who looks like he’s going to die from his injury anyway, does the heroic thing. He says, “I’ll do it. This is my fault, anyway. This is karma for me stealing from that guy … I get it. But Samantha would NEVER go with you unless I were bleeding to death, ’cause you’re douche, Josh.”

Samantha bids Kent good-bye. He’s a hero — kind of a dick but a hero.

And Kent, with the last of his strength: operates the LIGHT, heroically, giving them time to escape.

Samantha and Josh get into Josh’s truck and make for the ferry. (Halfway there, the light from the lighthouse turns bloodred, then goes OUT — the Monsters got Kent.) With the light out, they turn their attention to Josh’s truck.

It looks like they might not make it. Sam asks Josh why he came for her. Josh breaks down and tells her, “Because I’ve loved you since August 28, 1984. Fourth grade.” There’s sparks between Josh and Sam.

They are cut off from the dock — and Josh seems to snap: he taunts the Monsters to follow as he JUMPS his truck onto the crashed boat. They follow him onto the ferry, and when they’re all on …

Samantha floors the ferry’s engine and heads out to sea, and …

Josh blows up his gas-guzzler truck with a flare. The ferry sinks, the “Instant Monsters” chase our heroes to the very end, as they race to stay above the freezing water, all the while chased by the Monsters. But soon the last of the Monsters hits the water and fries. It’s over.

Josh and Sam swim to shore, shivering. She explains that to fight hypothermia, they’re going to have to take off all their clothes and warm each other under a blanket.

And then — Pierre and George emerge from a DINGHY under the pier. Pierre didn’t kill George. He
pretended
to, to SAVE HIM. Pierre wags his tail like a puppy. AND …