Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone

Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense
Badassery

Book I

The Fountain of Testosterone

By: Kell R. Inkston

© Kell Inkston

Disclaimer:

This novel contains mature, badass
material and themes that some readers may find highly offensive.
Expect naughty words, potty words, blood, guts, and more than one
reference to sexual bits, actions, and/or orientations, most of
which will likely be used in derogatory or otherwise offensive
manners. Of course, the views and opinions of characters in this
book are in no way intended to reflect those of the author, and if
you make the mistake of thinking that then you’re gonna’ have a bad
time. It is intended for audiences of sixteen years or older,
though every human develops at different paces of tolerance and
maturity. Use your own discretion, dear Reader. You have been
warned. Please enjoy responsibly.

CHAPTER ONE: FIFTY-FIFTY (AKA: PUNCH
THAT JERK IN THE FACE!)

Somewhere in the shifting depths of a
subspace realm walk two figures. They are heading towards a large,
oppressively-sharp looking ziggurat of sorts, shaped like a giant
fist punching the sky in its stupid, cloudy face. They halt a
minute’s walk from it and feel the strange, dusty breeze blow
against their chiseled, stoic faces.

“Ya’ think that's the place?” the large
figure on the left asks with a deep, masculine voice to the figure
on the right. The person on the right pulls out a map and looks at
it for just a moment.

“That must be it,” the thin figure on
the right says with a voice of notedly-less manliness levels,
“there aren’t any other fist-shaped temples for miles,” he adds,
rubbing his chin stubble.

“Good. So ya’ ready, then?” the large
figure on the left asks. Some call him “Ultra Death Graveman Death
Death Death,” but for the sake of briefness, he will be referred to
as “UDGD”. He is a man of very dark skin, wide features, and
intense eyes. His hair is very short, and he is dressed in full,
black plate with the exception of a helmet. He wears face-paint in
the style of a star-white skull, staring forth with manly
anger.

“Yes, and you?” asks the figure on the
right, known mostly by “Super Manly Heart Tearer Outer” (or “HTO”
for short). He is a boy with a witty, decent look about him. His
kept blond hair is held in a short pony tail, and has a
charismatic, handsome face. He is outfitted in a light, thin plate
suit, silver with blue accents, also without a helmet. He holds a
solid rapier and a left-hand buckler, colored in silver and
blue.

UDGD takes a quick look at his
gigantic, strange axe. It looks as though a skeleton doodle has
been drawn with crayons on top of the manly, blackened steel. After
a moment of inspection in his gauntleted hands he sheathes
it.

“Yeah, let's do this,” UDGD says with
an unnecessarily angry scowl. The two ascend the stairs of the
giant temple, ready to complete their quest with gritted, manly
skill. At the top of the ziggurat the path of the two figures are
blocked by a huge beast man, its voided stare gazing into their
souls.

“Halt, humans. This is a sacred temple
of face punching. Only initiates with our order, The Great Society
of Face Punching, may pass,” the large beast that totally looks
like it’s been working out with a super high protein diet for the
past three decades, says with deep snarl and abdomen flex. UDGD
scowls as he draws his axe.

“I think you're gonna’ let us past,”
UDGD says, clenching his teeth with intense, disgruntled strength.
The intention of the visitors made clear, the beast enters a
frontal stance, readying to tear off their heads and drink their
blood after punching every inch of their bodies to oblivion. HTO
does the same and draws his long rapier as he notes the beast's
growl, warning of the oncoming, skeleton-crushingly-brutal
fight.

ENGAGE!

The beast lunges forward with a snap of
his teeth at UDGD, who thrusts his hand at the creature's neck.
UDGD swings his large axe with a single move, lopping off the
beast's super muscular left leg and opening a gaping wound. Xtreme
amounts of blood spray from the crimson hole, painting the armor of
the two mercenaries. The beast howls in manly pain as it punches
UDGD in the face with its muscular beast fist. As the two engage in
a radical exchange of fists to the face, HTO delivers a precise
thrust to the beast's chest. Blood spurts forth all around the
entrance of the temple as the beast flails its fists at UDGD. A few
more impalements by HTO, and the beast falls to the ground, spewing
insane amounts of bloody awesomeness and painting the stairs of the
temple. UDGD, with an enraged yell, draws back his axe, to which he
has given the name “The Tomb Lord,” and throws it down on his foe
with all the strength he can muster. The axe comes into brutal
contact with the beast's neck, and blood covers both of the human
warriors as the sinews are parted and the head goes flying off down
the stairs.

VICTORY!

With a sweet guitar riff provided by
the Subspace Orchestra in the background, UDGD spits on the
mutilated corpse of the beast’s decapitated corpse and wipes the
blood off his face.

“Thanks for letting us past,” UDGD says
as the two enter into the large temple. HTO sighs, secretly not
being very fond of blood- and thus not manly. The two pass through
a torch-lit hallway, smelling deeply of raw body parts, blood, and
more cool/gross stuff-- when HTO, being the more perceptive of the
two, hears what sounds like voices ahead.

“Wait a sec'... I think I hear
chanting,” HTO says in a tone that is not quite as manly as UDGD
would prefer him to have.

“Yeah? So what?” UDGD responds with an
arched brow.

“Oh, well I just thought that you’d
like to know, because it sounds like there’s buncha’ beasts singing
it,” HTO explains with a reasonable tone, a sort most normal people
would find perfectly normal.

“Yeah, thanks,” UDGD says icily, his
thankless gaze staring forward even more. HTO shrugs as the two
press forward into the drearily-lit halls of the sanctuary. Only a
few seconds pass and UDGD can hear the many voices emanating from
their destination up ahead. The two companions come upon an
illuminated corner that leads into a bright place located at the
end of the hall.

“That must be where they’re keeping
‘em,” HTO says.

The two quiet their footsteps as they
reach the end of the hallway, and UDGD peeks around the corner with
the profile of a shadow.

In the slight curve of his vision, the
manly axe man UDGD can see a large pedestal surrounded by flames,
which is surrounded by several dancing and chanting beast-folk, who
in turn are surrounded by several mutilated corpses on fire. Atop
of the pedestal and securely tied with ropes sits a dozen children
and a young lady, all bound and gagged. This looks pretty manly,
but not manly enough to beat UDGD and HTO.

“Looks like they're preparin’ for
th’face punchin’ sacrifice,” UDGD whispers as he looks over the
beast-men and their weaponry.

“What?! What's that?” HTO asks with a
tone so un-masculine, UDGD would swear it sounds like the voice of
a sissy. UDGD sighs, showing his displeasure at HTO's lack of
manliness while still maintaining his cool composure.

“It means they’re about to punch those
people in the face to death, eat their guts, and then set them on
fire,” UDGD, the axe warrior of death, explains to the rapier
user.

“Oh, yeah of course. So how will we
attack?” HTO says, shooting an “O.K.” signal to UDGD.

“How else? We tell ‘em we’re here, and
then kill ‘em. Ya’ ready?”

“Uh, I'm not sure if that would
wo--”

“HEY, YOU!” UDGD yells at the large
group of beast-men as he dashes into the main chamber of the
temple. HTO cringes, seeing the small army of beasts turn their
heads at the two of them. UDGD pulls a great breath into his lungs-
it’s showtime.

“An interloper.” The leader of the
beast-men and the high priest of the face-punching cult hisses at
the sight of the two mercenaries.

“I'M GOING TO TEAR OUT YOUR SPINES,
PISS ON YOU, BURN YOU, AND THEN KILL YOU!” UDGD yells in his most
erection-crushing of voices. The dozens of foes begin to form
around UDGD and HTO as they draw their jagged, rusty weapons, each
stained with the blood of many weakling foes. The high priest of
the face-punching cult remains unmoved from the center of the
pedestal where he is about to punch the schoolteacher and the
children in their faces, to death.

“Kiiiiiiill them!” The sniveling priest
says with a deep, crimson-colored scowl.

ENGAGE!

The beast-men dash to slay UDGD and
HTO. UDGD, with his large axe poised to strike, throws a strong
swing across the audience of beasts. Considering the beast-men do
not wear armor, his strike promptly cleaves through three of them,
sending their organs splattering into their friends. The rest waste
no time in thrusting forward with their weapons, pushing UDGD back
just a bit as he prepares his next swing. HTO meets swords with the
beast-folk, parrying any foolish strike they make towards him. The
two slash and gouge in the large group of beasts for several
seconds, HTO skillfully evades and blocks every strike with poise
and grace, and UDGD takes the blows as they come; he feels that is
the purpose of armor, to take hits and still be carelessly manly.
The demoralized beast-men begin stancing defensively, allowing UDGD
to break straight through their guards and chop them into a gory,
crimson salad of weakness and failure. The high priest, dressed in
robes of crimson and black, sees that the two are winning the bout
between themselves and his minions, roughly halfway through the
entire cult. The priest decides the sacrifice must happen
immediately. The priest turns to the struggling group of children
plus one lady and raises his fists to begin the painful, manly
sacrifice.

“I DON'T THINK SO!” UDGD yells from
behind. The priest turns his head just in time to see UDGD, flying
in the air towards him, axe poised to strike. UDGD swings down with
such inhuman strength, a bunch of sweet guitars wail madly as UDGD
splits through the high priest with a single strike. The high
priest wails in agony the second before his body explodes, blood
drenching UDGD, the captives, and the alter. The surviving
beast-men are so distraught and intimidated from UDGD's display of
manliness that they all drop their weaponry and
surrender.

VICTORY!

UDGD basks in the immense pride of
leaping ten feet in the air and then splitting someone in half in
front of dozens of enemies, and proceeds to untie the children and
woman by pulling the ropes apart with his stupid levels of
strength. HTO nods with approval that the fight is over and
proceeds to wipe the large splotches of blood off of his face,
armor, sword and shield.

“Oh, thank you so much sir! Children!
Thank the nice man for saving us!” the lady says with a
nod.

“Thank you, mister scary guy!” the
overjoyed children all exclaim on the command of their
schoolteacher. UDGD puts away his axe, and crosses his arms in a
cool, uncaring way.

“Yeah, whatever,” he says, looking off
to the subdued beast-men. HTO smirks from below as the children
flood UDGD with compliments on his greatness, and how so many of
them want to be as cool and badass as him when they grow up. “Shut
up, kids. It's all in a day's work,” UDGD adds as he shoos them off
down the hall and out into freedom. The children and teacher rush
away past the surrendered beast-men.

The kids seem to have taken the brutal
slaughter of dozens of creatures fairly well, as they are all
laughing and making up jokes as they leave. HTO sighs as he wonders
about children raised in subspace; violence is so normal to them
that something this traumatic is barely scarring for
them.

The children and teacher step off to
return home, and UDGD turns his head to HTO and the remaining
beast-folk. The beast-men freeze up once they notice UDGD's angry,
super manly glare, promising an awesome, disemboweling death to any
who defy his will.

“ALRIGHT, BITCH SISSIES, THIS IS NOW A
SHAKEDOWN. LINE UP YOUR STUFF HERE!” UDGD commands, pointing at a
certain place near the shrine. The beast-men get to work, not
wanting to displease their incredibly strong and angry looking
visitor. UDGD leaps down and joins HT, who has just finished
cleaning his shiny suit of armor, near the growing pile of loot.
The beast people scramble around for anything of value they can
find, and then all halt near the pile, hoping that the murderer of
their leader is happy with what they’ve brought.