Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape (40 page)
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Authors: Friedman,Jaclyn Friedman,Jessica Valenti
BOOK: Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape
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“I, [daughter’s name]’s father, choose before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the area of purity. I will be pure in my own life as a man, husband, and father. I will be a man of integrity and accountability as I lead, guide, and pray over my daughter and as the high priest in my home. This covering will be used by God to influence generations to come.”
2
I don’t know what makes me squirm in my seat more, the pseudo-incestuous language of “covering” or the thought of fathers owning their daughters.
While the idea behind the pledge and ball is promoting purity, focusing so intently on girls’ virginity actually positions girls as sexual objects before they’ve even hit puberty.
And that’s how the purity myth comes full circle. Telling women they should be chaste because that’s what makes them moral is no different from telling women they should be girls going wild because that’s what makes them sexy. The in-between place is the space where women decide what kind of sexuality, public and private, works for them.
And whether it’s through virginity fetishizing or victim blaming, the myth of sexual purity is hurting women every day. Battling the myth is just one step in dismantling rape culture, of course. But if, as activists, writers, and people who care about ending violence against women, we can start to understand and talk about the way expectations about women’s sexuality play into a culture that condones rape, we’ll have that much more ammunition for the fight ahead.
Jessica is currently writing a book titled
The Purity Myth,
to be released in 2009.
The Purity Myth,
to be released in 2009.
If you want to read more about ELECTRIC YOUTH, try:
• An Immodest Proposal BY HEATHER CORINNA
• The Not-Rape Epidemic BY LATOYA PETERSON
If you want to read more about MEDIA MATTERS, try:
• Trial by Media: Black Female Lasciviousness and the Question of Consent BY SAMHITA MUKHOPADHYAY
• An Old Enemy in a New Outfit: How Date Rape Became Gray Rape and Why It Matters BY LISA JERVIS
If you want to read more about THE RIGHT IS WRONG, try:
• Offensive Feminism: The Conservative Gender Norms That Perpetuate Rape Culture, and How Feminists Can Fight Back BY JILL FILIPOVIC
• Toward a Performance Model of Sex BY THOMAS MACAULAY MILLAR
26
Real Sex Education
BY CARA KULWICKI
THOSE WHO OPPOSE abstinence-only sex education generally promote an alternative with medically accurate information on condoms, pregnancy, birth control, and STD prevention. They may also want to include lessons acknowledging that oral and anal sex exist, that not all sex is heterosexual, and that rape is wrong.
For me,
real
sex education is something more. I believe that it requires actually teaching
about
sex. Real sex education requires, in addition to teaching about protection, teaching sex as a normal and healthy part of life that is varied in terms of both preferred partners and preferred acts. Real sex education teaches that sex is more than heterosexual intercourse and should be consensual
and pleasurable
for all participants.
real
sex education is something more. I believe that it requires actually teaching
about
sex. Real sex education requires, in addition to teaching about protection, teaching sex as a normal and healthy part of life that is varied in terms of both preferred partners and preferred acts. Real sex education teaches that sex is more than heterosexual intercourse and should be consensual
and pleasurable
for all participants.
These types of suggestions are often met with resistance. We’re having enough trouble fighting abstinence-only education; is now really the time to demand discussions on topics like masturbation? Even those who support medically accurate sex education often ask the question: Isn’t the job of sex education to keep teenagers
safe?
Do we really need to teach how to give and receive pleasure? Is that even appropriate?
safe?
Do we really need to teach how to give and receive pleasure? Is that even appropriate?
I absolutely understand the benefits of a gradual approach. I would much rather see teenagers learn about condoms, STDs, and pregnancy prevention without learning about sexual pleasure than see them not learn about basic precautions at all. I also absolutely agree that sex education should be about keeping children, teenagers, and adults sexually safe as they move through life.
But I believe that only real sex education provides all the tools needed to effectively encourage safety. And there are four basic reasons why.
Sex education that does not involve discussions of pleasure is innately sexist. Why? Because one can discuss pregnancy, STDs, and prevention in relation to heterosexual sex without a single mention of the clitoris. Educators definitely should not do this, but the fact is that it’s entirely possible to give a scientifically accurate and even practical description of birth control, condom use, vaginal intercourse, and other sex education staples without ever acknowledging the clitoris’s existence. And the same holds true for female orgasm.
With men, it’s very different. First of all, no one ever tries to hide a man’s penis from him. Second, in discussing intercourse and pregnancy, you can’t escape the male orgasm. It has to exist for pregnancy to happen. Furthermore, in mainstream sex education, men get a description of what is generally perceived to be the most common and/or enjoyable way to orgasm during partnered heterosexual sex. And this description gives them a road map, if needed, to the most common masturbation techniques. When only coitus is discussed through education about pregnancy and STD prevention, women are left yet again with the impression that they are supposed to primarily derive pleasure from penetration. Of course, untold numbers of straight, lesbian, and bi women love penetrative sex, and many can indeed achieve orgasm through this method. But still, the fact remains that most cannot.
This being the case, failing to teach real sex education is unacceptable. Though it’s increasingly less common these days, women enter adulthood all too often without knowing what a clitoris is, where it is, and/or what to do with it. To someone like me, who believes that all people have a fundamental right to knowledge about their own bodies, this is unjustifiable. Teaching about sex without teaching about pleasure is, in my opinion, damaging—and more damaging to women than to men. In fact, it reinforces old but alive ideas that sex is something men like and women endure.
In addition to being sexist, ignoring pleasure as a fundamental component of sex is heterosexist and can also be particularly damaging to men who have sex with men and women who have sex with women. Sex between women and between men is often discussed during sex education in terms of STD prevention. But in this case, once you remove pleasure from sex, it has no purpose. Non-heterosexual sex cannot result in procreation, so what’s the point? This is the one thing that religious fundamentalists and abstinence-only educators are right about—when arguing that sex is not or should not be about pleasure, gay and lesbian sex does indeed seem rather odd and even wrong.
This thinking positions sex for pleasure as a waste of time, rather than as an activity that is itself often productive and important to those of all sexual orientations. Such limited education is invalidating to huge numbers of people, an erasure of their sexual desires and experiences. And the most-affected people are those who are not straight men.
Real sex education teaches that sexuality is natural and varied. And so, in teaching real sex education, we’re also teaching teens to make smart sexual choices. When aware that there is sex beyond heterosexual intercourse, people can make better decisions about sexual gratification. They can choose masturbation, mutual masturbation, oral sex, and a whole variety of other sexual acts as nonabstinence alternatives with reduced risk of pregnancy or STDs, or
just because many people find these acts enjoyable.
Knowing that sex is normal, healthy, and not uniform also encourages people to learn what is most enjoyable for them, and how to establish sexual boundaries. The social pressure to engage in certain kinds of sex acts as opposed to others (e.g., intercourse is largely valued more than outercourse) is far from healthy, and knowing this is vital. Once women, who are most likely to be taught otherwise, know that they are supposed to
enjoy
sex and might
not
enjoy certain kinds of sex, they also generally learn to start asking for what they want and feeling more confident in expressing what they don’t. There’s absolutely nothing to not like here.
just because many people find these acts enjoyable.
Knowing that sex is normal, healthy, and not uniform also encourages people to learn what is most enjoyable for them, and how to establish sexual boundaries. The social pressure to engage in certain kinds of sex acts as opposed to others (e.g., intercourse is largely valued more than outercourse) is far from healthy, and knowing this is vital. Once women, who are most likely to be taught otherwise, know that they are supposed to
enjoy
sex and might
not
enjoy certain kinds of sex, they also generally learn to start asking for what they want and feeling more confident in expressing what they don’t. There’s absolutely nothing to not like here.
Furthermore, studies show that sexual partners who discuss contraception are more likely to use it. This seems self-explanatory, but bears noting because it is often forgotten in arguments that sex education should be about
safety
and not
pleasure.
A person who feels guilt and discomfort over sex is generally going to have a difficult time talking about it. And what does that mean? It means no protection. If we want people to engage in safer sex, we need to give them the tools they need to engage in safer sex—and that’s more than just showing them how to put on a condom.
safety
and not
pleasure.
A person who feels guilt and discomfort over sex is generally going to have a difficult time talking about it. And what does that mean? It means no protection. If we want people to engage in safer sex, we need to give them the tools they need to engage in safer sex—and that’s more than just showing them how to put on a condom.
In order to teach about sexual assault intelligently and meaningfully, we have to teach about enthusiastic consent. We’re still a far cry away from this point, but it should indeed be the goal. And I can’t fathom how one might teach about enthusiastic consent without teaching about healthy sexuality as something pleasurable.
I
do not
mean that men would never commit heterosexual rape if they knew and understood that women are supposed to enjoy sex, too. In too many instances, it wouldn’t have made an ounce of difference. I doubt that my ex-boyfriend and rapist had ever heard the concept of enthusiastic consent in his life. Sex was for him, as it is for many, something to be obtained through coercion, as opposed to something negotiated freely and happily. But I absolutely don’t believe that if he
had
heard of enthusiastic consent, he wouldn’t have inflicted sexual violence. More simply than that, social perceptions of sex helped him to get away with it. Many men (and women!) don’t understand what rape is. That doesn’t mean that men who rape fail to understand when the woman has not fully and enthusiastically consented or when they’re committing an act that is wrong—they simply fail or refuse to recognize that what they’re doing actually falls under that scary word no one wants applied to them.
do not
mean that men would never commit heterosexual rape if they knew and understood that women are supposed to enjoy sex, too. In too many instances, it wouldn’t have made an ounce of difference. I doubt that my ex-boyfriend and rapist had ever heard the concept of enthusiastic consent in his life. Sex was for him, as it is for many, something to be obtained through coercion, as opposed to something negotiated freely and happily. But I absolutely don’t believe that if he
had
heard of enthusiastic consent, he wouldn’t have inflicted sexual violence. More simply than that, social perceptions of sex helped him to get away with it. Many men (and women!) don’t understand what rape is. That doesn’t mean that men who rape fail to understand when the woman has not fully and enthusiastically consented or when they’re committing an act that is wrong—they simply fail or refuse to recognize that what they’re doing actually falls under that scary word no one wants applied to them.
The goal is that enthusiastic-consent models will help to change the thinking from “sex when someone says no and fights back is wrong” to “sex when someone doesn’t openly and enthusiastically want it is wrong.” Since all but maybe a tiny percentage of rapists realize that what they’re doing is wrong (and the ones that don’t are still responsible for their actions regardless), teaching enthusiastic consent will not stop rape on its own. I don’t think that any one particular form of rape prevention education will. But I do strongly believe that rape is allowed to keep occurring because it is socially acceptable to the much larger group of people who aren’t rapists but just “don’t get what the big deal is” or believe it to be the victim’s fault.
Specifically, real sex education is a necessary part of any good anti-rape education for those who are victims or potential victims. This is not because people are responsible for making sure they themselves are not raped.
But we do have a responsibility, particularly to young women, to give them the tools they need to recognize abuse.
But we do have a responsibility, particularly to young women, to give them the tools they need to recognize abuse.
Pleasure itself cannot be considered a benchmark for consent—automatic bodily reactions can cause physical, unwanted sexual arousal in a situation where there is not consent. On the opposite end of the spectrum, fully consensual sex can be dull. But
the genuine desire for sexual pleasure and the expression of that desire
should be an accepted standard.
the genuine desire for sexual pleasure and the expression of that desire
should be an accepted standard.
The fact is, many abuse victims don’t realize that they’re being abused. They undergo the trauma and just don’t understand
why
it hurts. I was never taught about enthusiastic consent. The phrase entered my vocabulary only a couple of years ago. It pains me to think of how different my life would have been if someone had taught me that I was supposed to
want
sexual contact and
say so;
otherwise, it was wrong. I truly thought that fearfully giving up after saying no twenty times counted as consent. If taught differently, I don’t know that I would have avoided the initial assaults, but I do believe with all my heart that I would have gotten myself out of that situation sooner. At the time, I knew that rape and physical assault were inexcusable acts of violence generally committed against women.
I just didn’t realize that what was being done to me was rape.
For that reason, it took me years to realize why I felt so traumatized.
why
it hurts. I was never taught about enthusiastic consent. The phrase entered my vocabulary only a couple of years ago. It pains me to think of how different my life would have been if someone had taught me that I was supposed to
want
sexual contact and
say so;
otherwise, it was wrong. I truly thought that fearfully giving up after saying no twenty times counted as consent. If taught differently, I don’t know that I would have avoided the initial assaults, but I do believe with all my heart that I would have gotten myself out of that situation sooner. At the time, I knew that rape and physical assault were inexcusable acts of violence generally committed against women.
I just didn’t realize that what was being done to me was rape.
For that reason, it took me years to realize why I felt so traumatized.
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