Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape (42 page)
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Authors: Friedman,Jaclyn Friedman,Jessica Valenti
BOOK: Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape
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Yes, I said it: Take self-defense. No, I am not blaming the victim or putting the responsibility on the woman. I’m living in reality—remember the part about how long it’s going to be before we’re consistently successful at holding rapists responsible? In the meantime, wouldn’t you rather know what to do if and when the shit hits the fan?
I sure wish I had. I never even tried to shove that guy off of me. That’s something that I now know I could have done easily, even drunk, even if he was bigger than me, which, honestly, he wasn’t. But it never occurred to me that there was anything I could do physically to protect myself. Why? Not because I was drunk. Because literally no one my whole life had told me that my body could work in my own defense (and many, many messages had told me the opposite).
And yet it’s true: Women and girls can keep ourselves safe using our very own bodies. No pepper spray. No whistles. Even women who don’t work out, or are “overweight” or physically impaired. If we spent even a fraction of the time we use to teach girls to fear for their bodies teaching them to use their bodies for their own protection instead, there’d be a hell of a lot less for any of us to worry about. Because the most practical way to reduce the risk of rape for all women is to create a culture in which the rapist has to worry that he’ll get hurt.
Will any of this work 100 percent of the time? Nope. Again: Life is risk. But this kind of complex message gives women real choices. Equipping them with the information and tools they need to protect themselves, and then trusting them to make their own decisions, will work a heck of a lot better than knowing less and living in fear. And it will give every woman a fighting chance at a world where she can go out and get a little crazy sometimes if she wants to. Where she can dance and drink and flirt and fool around because it feels good. A world where her pleasure is actually important. That’s the world I’m living in. Care to join me?
If you want to read more about MEDIA MATTERS, try:
• Offensive Feminism: The Conservative Gender Norms That Perpetuate Rape Culture, and How Feminists Can Fight Back BY JILL FILIPOVIC
• A Woman’s Worth BY JAVACIA N. HARRIS
• The Fantasy of Acceptable “Non-Consent”: Why the Female Sexual Submissive Scares Us (and Why She Shouldn’t) BY STACEY MAY FOWLES
If you want to read more about SEXUAL HEALING, try:
• An Immodest Proposal BY HEATHER CORINNA
• Sex Worth Fighting For BY ANASTASIA HIGGINBOTHAM
• Real Sex Education BY CARA KULWICKI
NOTES
INTRODUCTION
1
Often referred to as a link, a hyperlink is a navigation element on a web page that directs the reader to another web page or another area on the existing page.
Often referred to as a link, a hyperlink is a navigation element on a web page that directs the reader to another web page or another area on the existing page.
2
Assigning keywords to online content to help users search that content and related content more effectively.
Assigning keywords to online content to help users search that content and related content more effectively.
JILL FILIPOVIC, Offensive Feminism: The Conservative Gender Norms That Perpetuate Rape Culture, and How Feminists Can Fight Back1
Stephanie Coontz, “The Heterosexual Revolution,”
New York Times,
July 5, 2005.
Stephanie Coontz, “The Heterosexual Revolution,”
New York Times,
July 5, 2005.
2
Ibid.
Ibid.
4
Sun-Journal,
“Schlafly Cranks Up Agitation at Bates,” March 29, 2007.
Sun-Journal,
“Schlafly Cranks Up Agitation at Bates,” March 29, 2007.
5
United States House of Representatives Committee on Government Reform—Minority Staff Special Investigations Division, “The Content of Federally Funded Abstinence-Only Education Programs,” prepared for Rep. Henry A. Waxman, 2004.
United States House of Representatives Committee on Government Reform—Minority Staff Special Investigations Division, “The Content of Federally Funded Abstinence-Only Education Programs,” prepared for Rep. Henry A. Waxman, 2004.
6
Generations of Light, purity ball pledge,
www.generationsoflight.com/html/ThePledge/html
.
Generations of Light, purity ball pledge,
www.generationsoflight.com/html/ThePledge/html
.
7
Gigi Stone, “Teen Girls ‘Date’ Dad, Pledge Purity,”
ABCNews.com
,
March 12, 2007,
http://abcnews.go.com
.
Gigi Stone, “Teen Girls ‘Date’ Dad, Pledge Purity,”
ABCNews.com
,
March 12, 2007,
http://abcnews.go.com
.
8
The Bible, King James version, Genesis chapters 1-3.
The Bible, King James version, Genesis chapters 1-3.
9
Ibid.
Ibid.
10
Rachel P. Maines,
The Technology of Orgasm: “Hysteria,” the Vibrator, and Women’s Sexual Satisfaction
(Baltimore: The Johns Hopkins University Press, 1999).
Rachel P. Maines,
The Technology of Orgasm: “Hysteria,” the Vibrator, and Women’s Sexual Satisfaction
(Baltimore: The Johns Hopkins University Press, 1999).
11
B. R. Huelsman, “An Anthropological View of Clitoral and Other Female Genital Mutilations,” in
The Clitoris,
ed. T.P. Lowry and T.S. Lowry (St. Louis, MO: Warren H. Green, 1976), 111-61.
B. R. Huelsman, “An Anthropological View of Clitoral and Other Female Genital Mutilations,” in
The Clitoris,
ed. T.P. Lowry and T.S. Lowry (St. Louis, MO: Warren H. Green, 1976), 111-61.
12
Griswold v. Connecticut.
Griswold v. Connecticut.
13
Dorothy Roberts,
Killing the Black Body
(New York: Random House, 1997).
Dorothy Roberts,
Killing the Black Body
(New York: Random House, 1997).
14
Roe v. Wade.
Roe v. Wade.
15
Even if we put aside the question of fetal personhood and assume that a fetus should have the same rights as a born human being, giving that fetus the right to use another person’s body for its survival would give it privileges that born people do not have. In no other case is a person legally compelled to use their body and their internal organs to sustain another’s life. We do not require parents to donate kidneys or even blood to their children, and we do not require anyone to be a good Samaritan and risk their life or health for another. It is difficult to imagine a case in which we would legally require a father to keep his child physically attached to his body, using his organs for survival, physically impairing him, and requiring him to miss work and possibly undergo surgery, for nearly ten months. It would be difficult to make the case that the child (or full-grown adult) has a
right
to use the father’s body for its survival. Yet this is exactly what opponents of abortion rights argue—except the body in question is female.
Even if we put aside the question of fetal personhood and assume that a fetus should have the same rights as a born human being, giving that fetus the right to use another person’s body for its survival would give it privileges that born people do not have. In no other case is a person legally compelled to use their body and their internal organs to sustain another’s life. We do not require parents to donate kidneys or even blood to their children, and we do not require anyone to be a good Samaritan and risk their life or health for another. It is difficult to imagine a case in which we would legally require a father to keep his child physically attached to his body, using his organs for survival, physically impairing him, and requiring him to miss work and possibly undergo surgery, for nearly ten months. It would be difficult to make the case that the child (or full-grown adult) has a
right
to use the father’s body for its survival. Yet this is exactly what opponents of abortion rights argue—except the body in question is female.
16
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.
17
Ibid.
Ibid.
18
Human Rights Watch, “No Escape: Male Rape in U.S. Prisons,” 2001.
Human Rights Watch, “No Escape: Male Rape in U.S. Prisons,” 2001.
19
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.
20
Ruth Mazo Karras,
Common Women: Prostitution and Sexuality in Medieval England
(Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1996).
Ruth Mazo Karras,
Common Women: Prostitution and Sexuality in Medieval England
(Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1996).
21
Bureau of Justice statistics, “Violent Crime Trends by Gender of Victim.”
Bureau of Justice statistics, “Violent Crime Trends by Gender of Victim.”
22
Diane Craven, PhD, “Sex differences in violent victimization, 1994,” Bureau of Justice statistics.
Diane Craven, PhD, “Sex differences in violent victimization, 1994,” Bureau of Justice statistics.
23
Laura Kipnis,
The Female Thing
(New York: Random House, 2006).
Laura Kipnis,
The Female Thing
(New York: Random House, 2006).
THOMAS MACAULAY MILLAR, Toward a Performance Model of Sex1
The term was coined in extractive industries in response to environmental and other stakeholder critics.
The term was coined in extractive industries in response to environmental and other stakeholder critics.
2
Among those who have eloquently described consent as “enthusiastic participation” is feminist author and blogger Amanda Marcotte. The author and Ms. Marcotte discussed these ideas at some length on one of the earlier feminist blogs, Alas! A Blog, in 2005. In her book
It’s A Jungle Out There
(Seal Press, 2008) and on her blog, Pandagon, as well as in comments on other feminist blogs, she has expanded on these ideas and referred to a “conquest model” of sex, a concept that is both related to and distinct from the approach in this essay, which first appeared in comments at Feministing, the blog founded by editor Jessica Valenti. Ms. Marcotte’s thinking and the views expressed here are closely related but have evolved independently.
Among those who have eloquently described consent as “enthusiastic participation” is feminist author and blogger Amanda Marcotte. The author and Ms. Marcotte discussed these ideas at some length on one of the earlier feminist blogs, Alas! A Blog, in 2005. In her book
It’s A Jungle Out There
(Seal Press, 2008) and on her blog, Pandagon, as well as in comments on other feminist blogs, she has expanded on these ideas and referred to a “conquest model” of sex, a concept that is both related to and distinct from the approach in this essay, which first appeared in comments at Feministing, the blog founded by editor Jessica Valenti. Ms. Marcotte’s thinking and the views expressed here are closely related but have evolved independently.
3
Shakesville,
http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/
.
Shakesville,
http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/
.
4
The milk/cow analogy, though familiar, is an inexact way of describing the commodity model. It is also worth noting that the commodity model itself demonstrates a significant gain for the feminist movement. Not long ago in the history of European civilizations, marriage was a different kind of property transaction. The woman herself was property, exchanged between her father and her husband. Now, even in the most regressive elements of American culture, the discourse pays lip service to the notion that the woman is not herself property, but instead possesses property (sex), which the patriarchy proceeds to tell her how to make the best use of.
The milk/cow analogy, though familiar, is an inexact way of describing the commodity model. It is also worth noting that the commodity model itself demonstrates a significant gain for the feminist movement. Not long ago in the history of European civilizations, marriage was a different kind of property transaction. The woman herself was property, exchanged between her father and her husband. Now, even in the most regressive elements of American culture, the discourse pays lip service to the notion that the woman is not herself property, but instead possesses property (sex), which the patriarchy proceeds to tell her how to make the best use of.
5
UltraTeenChoice.org
. Another program, WAIT, lists “financial support” as one of the five needs of women. “The Content of Federally Funded Abstinence-Only Education Programs,” United States House of Representatives Committee on Government Reform, Minority Staff Special Investigations Division, December 2004 (“Waxman Report”), pp. 17 and n. 79. Still another lauds the practice of bride-prices because they tell the bride she is “valuable to the groom and he is willing to give something valuable for her.” Waxman Report, p. 17 and n. 82.
UltraTeenChoice.org
. Another program, WAIT, lists “financial support” as one of the five needs of women. “The Content of Federally Funded Abstinence-Only Education Programs,” United States House of Representatives Committee on Government Reform, Minority Staff Special Investigations Division, December 2004 (“Waxman Report”), pp. 17 and n. 79. Still another lauds the practice of bride-prices because they tell the bride she is “valuable to the groom and he is willing to give something valuable for her.” Waxman Report, p. 17 and n. 82.
6
Dahleen Glanton, “At Purity Dances, Virgin Belles Ring for Abstinence,”
Chicago Tribune,
December 2, 2007.
Dahleen Glanton, “At Purity Dances, Virgin Belles Ring for Abstinence,”
Chicago Tribune,
December 2, 2007.
7
Jay Parsons, “Sex Lady’s lesson: Save yourself,”
Denton Record-Chronicle,
March 30, 2007.
Jay Parsons, “Sex Lady’s lesson: Save yourself,”
Denton Record-Chronicle,
March 30, 2007.
9
“Libertines” is not an evocative term, and in fact insults a late and lamented East London punk band. A term more in keeping with the conception would be “poontang miners,” reflecting puerile slang, misogyny, and unsustainable exploitation in one fell swoop.
“Libertines” is not an evocative term, and in fact insults a late and lamented East London punk band. A term more in keeping with the conception would be “poontang miners,” reflecting puerile slang, misogyny, and unsustainable exploitation in one fell swoop.
10
See generally, Neil Strauss,
The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists
(New York: HarperCollins, 2005).
See generally, Neil Strauss,
The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists
(New York: HarperCollins, 2005).
11
Pick-up-artist-forum.com
post entitled “How Can I Release Her Inner Whore,” Rye Lee comment, November 8, 2007, 5:08 AM,
www.pick-up-artist-forum.com/how-can-i-release-her-inner-whore-vt10548.html
.
Pick-up-artist-forum.com
post entitled “How Can I Release Her Inner Whore,” Rye Lee comment, November 8, 2007, 5:08 AM,
www.pick-up-artist-forum.com/how-can-i-release-her-inner-whore-vt10548.html
.
12
In discussion of the commodity model, it is glaringly apparent that there is room for Marxist analysis of sex as work; while that analysis might be fruitful and even fascinating, it is beyond both the scope of the essay and the writer’s expertise.
In discussion of the commodity model, it is glaringly apparent that there is room for Marxist analysis of sex as work; while that analysis might be fruitful and even fascinating, it is beyond both the scope of the essay and the writer’s expertise.
13
Pick-up-artist-forum.com
post entitled “Fundamental Problem With Being a PUA,” GravesRR7 comment, November 17, 2007, 12:56 AM,
www.pick-up-artist-forum.com/fundamental-problem-with-being-a-pua-vt11181.html
.
Pick-up-artist-forum.com
post entitled “Fundamental Problem With Being a PUA,” GravesRR7 comment, November 17, 2007, 12:56 AM,
www.pick-up-artist-forum.com/fundamental-problem-with-being-a-pua-vt11181.html
.
14
Starbuck on November 17, 2007, 3:32 PM.
Starbuck on November 17, 2007, 3:32 PM.
15
Aegis on June 24, 2005, 12:08 PM.
Aegis on June 24, 2005, 12:08 PM.
16
Amanda Marcotte’s term, in
It’s a Jungle Out There
(Seal Press, 2008), which evolved from the author’s “sex vending machines” in the Feministing thread that was the original source for this essay.
Amanda Marcotte’s term, in
It’s a Jungle Out There
(Seal Press, 2008), which evolved from the author’s “sex vending machines” in the Feministing thread that was the original source for this essay.
17
These discussions often unconsciously seem to recapitulate the development of law, particularly the law of the Gilded Age and pre-Depression era that heavily favored externalizing costs and risks to workers and consumers.
These discussions often unconsciously seem to recapitulate the development of law, particularly the law of the Gilded Age and pre-Depression era that heavily favored externalizing costs and risks to workers and consumers.
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