You Make Me (4 page)

His eyes shuttered. “That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry. I’m just used to seeing you differently. I like your hair unruly. Free. Like you.”

Aware that any minute now someone would want to come in or out of the garage, I bit my lip. “I’m not unruly anymore.”

The hallway we were standing in was narrow and dark. Intimate. He lifted his hand and his fingers hovered next to my face, but he didn’t actually touch me. “No?” he asked. “Then that’s a shame. I loved that about you.”

Loved. As in past tense, and not what I wanted to hear anyway. I wanted to know that everything he had ever said was the truth, but he wasn’t giving me that. Emotions coursed through me, along with the whiskey. I closed my eyes briefly, the ache in my chest profound.

“Were you going to tell me you were here?” I asked when I opened them again, my voice husky.

“It crossed my mind.” His voice was low too and his hip was brushing against mine. “But after what you did, I wasn’t sure you would want to see me.”

That snapped me out of the seductive haze simmering around us. “What? Did what? What did I do?” I asked, confused and bewildered.

But suddenly the door behind me to the garage yanked open and loud voices pummeled me. “Whoa, sorry, what up, Caitlyn?”

I turned and saw Colton and another guy I recognized from the fraternity, another pre-law major. “Hey,” I said distractedly.

When I looked back to Heath, wanting answers, he was already backing up. “I’ll catch you later,” he said.

“No.” I meant I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted to discuss what he had said and what I had allegedly done, because I hadn’t done a damn thing that would have made him angry with me. I needed to know the answers as to why he’d left me alone to fend for myself. He shrugged, like it didn’t matter to him whether he’d see me later or not.

“How’s your mom?” he asked.

Heath had been one of the few foster kids who had connected in any way with my mother. She had liked him, and he had treated her with kindness, helping her find whatever she had randomly lost that day and fixing her breakfast along with his own. It meant a lot that he asked. “She’s okay,” I said, throat tight. “She’s in a… nice place in Rockland.” A home. She was in a home for the mentally impaired, but I didn’t want the two guys jostling past me to hear that.

He nodded. “I’m glad to hear that.”

Ethan appeared behind Heath. “Hey, I was wondering where you went.” He looked between Heath and me, tone casual but clearly suspicious. “Why are you crowded in the doorway? Come in and sit down and hang out.”

“It’s okay, I’m leaving.” Heath gave me a look I didn’t understand. “Bye, Cat.”

Was that a real goodbye? A forever goodbye?

But I had no answers. I couldn’t accept that.

Except I couldn’t follow him, couldn’t demand he explain.

It was Homecoming and there were eyes everywhere and Ethan’s hand was slipping into mine.

“So is he a student here now?” Ethan asked, stroking my hand and the engagement ring with his thumb.

“He said no.” I stared at Ethan, wanting him to pull me back to the present. Take me out of the past, with all its pain and heartbreak and back into the now where everything was stable, predictable, well-planned.

“Did you have sex with him?” Ethan asked, catching me off guard.

He had never asked me details about my past boyfriends. He’d known I was almost a virgin, had known I needed him to go slow. But he had never asked who the one guy was and I had appreciated that.

That he just asked now, so boldly, in the hallway, unnerved me. “What?” I knew I should tell the truth. But I was afraid. Afraid that Ethan would see what Heath had meant to me. So before I could think about the consequences, I lied. “No. Of course not.”

He knew I was lying. I could see it in his eyes. But he didn’t call me out on it.

Instead, that night when we got back to his apartment a few streets from the fraternity house, Ethan fucked me. He’d never done that. Not the way he did that night. He had always been tender, thoughtful, gentle with me, pausing to ask if I was okay, spending the majority of his time on pleasing me. Coaxing me open and wet with kisses, hand strokes, his tongue between my thighs, before he entered me. He’d never been rough.

But as soon as we got in the apartment, he pushed me against the wall and kissed me hard, hand yanking up the skirt of my dress. His fingers were frantic stroking over me, in me, his tongue plunging deep into my mouth. I wanted to tell him to slow it down, let me catch up, but I couldn’t because I knew why he was doing it. He was staking a claim, putting his stamp on me. Reminding himself that he had me, and Heath didn’t.

I couldn’t deny him that, not when I knew what he must have seen on my face, not when the very night Ethan had asked me to marry him, I had been distracted and emotional over someone he had never even heard me talk about. If our roles had been reversed, I would need reassurance too, if some random chick showed up out of nowhere, and I wanted to give him that.

So when he pulled the zipper down my back and shoved my dress to the floor, I let him. I let him peel off my bra and suck my nipples with uncharacteristic roughness, surprised that my body did respond. It was different, yet I liked it. It was the distraction I needed and I gripped Ethan’s head, my own falling back as I moaned. I loved Ethan. His ring was on my hand, invisible in the dark, but foreign on my finger, so that I was very aware of it.

His touch trailed down my stomach and bending down, he pulled my panties to the side so he could shatter me with his tongue. I held onto his shoulders and gave him the moans he wanted, my verbal commitment in oral sex form. “Yes, Ethan, yes.”

As soon as I came, he stood up, unzipping his pants and lifting his erection out. I fought for breath as he lightly smacked my thigh. “Wrap your leg around me,” he said urgently.

I obeyed and then my back hit the wall hard as he pushed into me. All the air left my lungs before I sucked in another breath, holding onto his shoulders for balance.

“I love you,” he said, panting, his forehead pressing against mine.

But all I could think was that for the first time ever he hadn’t used a condom.

And his head was hard, his air stealing mine. I felt pressed, smothered. Turning my head to steal a fresh breath I whispered, “I love you, too.” Then after another thrust, felt compelled to remind him, “You have to pull out. Ethan. Please.”

Because he was Ethan, he did. He gave a groan of frustration but he pulled back, raking his hands through his hair. “Oh, my God, you felt so good. God. Caitlyn. Are you sure I can’t…”

The thought of getting pregnant had me shaking my head rapidly. “I’m sorry… no, we can’t…”

“Shit. I know. I know.” He helped me step out of the circle of my dress on the floor and he took me to the bed, his shoulders rising and falling rapidly with the urgency of his breathing. “I’m sorry.”

Once in his room, he was careful Ethan again, undressing himself and worshipfully taking off my bra and panties.

He was quieter, more subdued, in control again.

When he pulled me onto his chest afterwards, for the first time ever I felt there was a gap between us.

And I was afraid I knew exactly who had created it.

Chapter Four

“I’m freezing,” Aubrey bitched as we sat on a blanket in the stands at the football game the next afternoon.

Sipping my coffee, I tried to feel sympathy but I was distracted. Again. Still. “You need to layer up. You know this. You grew up in Maine.” She was wearing a fall jacket and a hat, jeans and wedge boots. Not summer clothing and certainly adequate for most Mainers but she was always freezing. She seriously ought to know better.

“Again, with the logic thing. It’s so annoying.” She glanced over at me, pulling a strand of blonde hair out of her mouth. “You’re quiet today. You hungover?”

“A little. I have a headache.” I did, but I didn’t think it was from drinking. It was tension and lack of sleep. “The cheering isn’t helping.”

We were sitting in the student section of the stands and there was a lot of yelling, jostling, spontaneous dancing. Normally, I would be right there with everyone, but I was just sitting on our blanket numbly. Not from cold, but from anxiety. It was paralyzing. Too many questions. No answers.

I wanted to see Heath again. I had to see Heath again. But I had no idea how to find him.

But I knew until I did I would be beyond distracted, turning around and around in my head Heath’s parting words, both back in high school and now. I wouldn’t be able to let it go and I wouldn’t be able to be normal. I had worked too damn hard for the life I had to screw it up because of a morbid need to be validated by a guy who may or may not have given two shits about me.

As students went up and down the steps, carting hot dogs and popcorn and nachos, I knew at least half and they always greeted me with a smile and a wave and maybe a minute or two of conversation. For two plus years I had been building a world for myself at UMaine, joining everything I could from social clubs to my sorority to groups focused on a particular cause. I had been to every home football game, scads of hockey games, and just about every party I’d been invited to.

“Want a bite?” Jay asked, making a rude face as he held his hot dog out for me. “Bite my wiener, Caitlyn.”

Gross. I laughed and reared my head back. “I’m a vegetarian, remember? But I bet Aubrey will bite your wiener.”

“Totally.” Aubrey leaned over and basically deep throated Jay’s snack before biting it and pulling back.

“Holy shit, you just bit half of it off!” Jay protested. “This cost three bucks.”

“You offered,” Aubrey said around a mouthful of meat. She wiped her lip. “Mmm. So good. So juicy. Mmm, mmm.” She licked her lips.

Her mocking porn imitation was enough for him to forgive her. His eyes widened. “Damn. I think I’m blushing.” Jay was a big teddy bear type of guy, and while his cheeks normally had a tinge of pink anyway, he wasn’t lying. They were stained with red splotches.

Aubrey laughed.

“You’re bad,” I told her.

“No, no, she’s good,” Jay said, before giving us a wink and continuing on up the steps to wherever he was sitting.

“I have a confession to make before Ethan gets back,” Aubrey said, leaning in closer to me so no one around us would hear.

For some reason, my heart started to race. Did she know something? Did she suspect that my past with Heath wasn’t platonic? Ethan was working a table selling spirit wear for the student government. He was off duty second quarter and would be sitting with us.

“What?” I asked.

“I hooked up with Colton last night.”

My jaw dropped. “What?” Totally not what I was expecting her to say. “I thought you didn’t really like him.”

“I don’t. But I was drunk and I was lonely and he was persistent. I just sort of gave in.”

She’d done that in the past, and I knew every time she did, she regretted it. Aubrey hid her feelings behind her snark, but the truth was, she was extremely vulnerable. She wanted someone to care about her, and I wasn’t sure why she craved that so desperately. She’d grown up with great parents, a totally normal home life, she’d been popular in high school. I didn’t get why she felt like she needed to prove herself. But I wasn’t going to contribute to her feeling bad about it or herself. I just nudged her.

“Was it good?” I asked, raising my eyebrows up and down before taking another sip of my rapidly cooling coffee.

“No. He was a virgin.”

A wince came out before I could stop it. “Oh, my God.” I’d never been with a virgin and I was pretty sure I didn’t want to. “But he must have had some clue about… other stuff.” Just because he hadn’t actually had intercourse didn’t mean he hadn’t logged some time on foreplay.

“No. No, he didn’t.” Aubrey shook her head. “I seriously need to reevaluate my life. Why am I wasting time doing stuff like this? Because that’s what it is- it’s just a big waste of time and my vagina.”

I wanted to encourage her to not be so spontaneous but I didn’t want to risk sounding like I was being judgmental. I just knew that she never felt great about it afterward, no matter how nonchalant she acted. So I chose my words carefully. “I think that virgin or not, it’s probably not going to be awesome sex when you don’t even like the guy.”

But Aubrey just shrugged. “I don’t know. I really kind of hate Andrew and yet when we’re naked it works really well.”

“I don’t understand that.” I didn’t. My experience was limited to one time with Heath and then Ethan. “But I don’t have to. But you have to be sure about what you’re doing, you know what I mean?”

“I’ll keep you posted,” she said, reaching for my coffee. “Why didn’t I buy myself a coffee? I’m freezing.” Then she made a face when she took a sip. “Gross. It’s cold.”

“That’s because it’s freezing out here,” I said with a smile.

Ryan and Carl, guys I knew as fellow business majors, wanted to move past us on the bleacher and Ryan made a big show out of sticking his ass in Aubrey’s face. She smacked it. Hard.

He sat down on her.

“Ow!” she yelled, shoving at him. “Get the fuck off of me.”

But he ignored her and settled in on her lap, like it was totally normal. “So Caitlyn, you and Ethan are getting hitched?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Congrats. That’s major. That’s like, adulthood. A wedding and shit. Damn.”

Maybe it was the fact that he sounded like a total stoner, or maybe it was just hearing the words out loud, but for some reason I felt slightly panicked. It was major. He was right. Ethan asking me to marry him had not made my thoughts immediately leap to an actual wedding. Like a dress and a cake and a reception and a shower and all of that. I had just been thrilled that it was the ultimate commitment. Ethan wanted me. He had picked me over every other girl he had ever dated.

It was like checking the box on the rest of my life. Done.

That had seemed fantastic, exactly what I wanted.

But a wedding? Suddenly it seemed… intense. Real.

“Thanks.” Carl had managed to squeeze into a spot on the bench on my right that was not big enough for his hockey player build. “Carl, Ethan is coming to sit with us. You’re in his spot.”