You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder (11 page)

Fourth Step of Memory: Access.
Access is the process of recalling stored information through recognition or retrieval memory. Recognition relies on
familiarity
to refresh the memories of superficially learned data. For example, you use recognition memory to take a multiple-choice test or find your way to a location by noting landmarks along the way.

On the other hand,
retrieval
requires
precise, accurate recall on demand. When you take an essay exam, you have to retrieve information as an accurate whole. Finding a specific word in your memory banks is another retrieval task.

Retrieval relies on data you have firmly fixed in memory. To anchor data in memory, you have to use specific strategies. Precise recall is only as good as the strategies you used to store the information.
That’s why rote recitation is a less effective strategy than memorizing by principle. Rote learning results in isolated details rather than general ideas and abstractions.

An ADDer’s unique abilities and disabilities cause great variability in his ability to access information. Accurate retrieval is
a combination of attention to the details of what he needs to memorize, planned strategies for
storage and fast information processing.

With an aversion to details, an ADDer tends to approach memory chores in a rapid, superficial and haphazard manner. This compromises his ability to develop strategies for registration. His limited reserves of mental energy impair his ability to maintain sufficient effort to memorize something. As he quickly burns out, he often rushes to get the memory
chore finished.

His divergent retrieval is usually much faster and more accurate than his convergent retrieval. Remember the dynamics of reaction time? An ADD adult functions better when he
acts
(divergent retrieval) on his own ideas than when he
reacts
(convergent retrieval) to a direct question. He often impresses his friends and himself (!) with the fluency of thoughts structured around his
knowledge base. Everything is great until someone interrupts with a question or even worse, changes the subject. He suddenly feels anxious and annoyed that he has to switch to his faulty convergent retrieval.

Fifth Step of Memory: Transfer.
Transfer is a complex process of rearranging individual pieces of data to form new knowledge. It can include combining fragmented pieces into a larger whole.
It can include applying data from one application to another. It can also include generalizations of the common threads between seemingly unrelated ideas or events.

A precise memory for facts is invaluable in answering questions about a specific subject. It is less valuable in information transfer that depends on associations. For instance, children and adults with mental retardation have difficulty
transferring skills from one setting to another. They need to learn skills in each of the settings they will use them.

Transfer of knowledge depends on the creative and flexible use of a knowledge base. If data is stored in separately labeled
boxes, transfer of knowledge is impossible. Mixing the contents of the boxes or combining them in new ways is unthinkable!

An ADDer tends to be a creative,
divergent thinker with an ability to put knowledge and ideas together. He resists putting things in boxes with neat labels. Although this can be a disadvantage when he needs precise memory, it is a decided advantage for transferring knowledge. He can wander through his safe-deposit boxes, finding information to use in new and interesting ways. He can apply knowledge and solve problems in ways
undreamed of by more orderly thinkers.

ADD adults don’t have faulty memories, but their unique symptoms create gaps in the memory process. Although each of us has a unique memory profile, we share some fairly consistent patterns. Recognition memory is usually good. That’s why many of us performed well in classroom discussions about the
historic implications of world events but failed miserably on tests that required one-word answers.

It makes sense that your memory would be good for a specific subject or task that comes easily to you. But what about that tough physics class in high school? Why did you do so well in a difficult subject that required
on demand
memory retrieval? Your teacher might have wondered the same thing.
He might have pointedly used this as evidence of your ability to do it
when you wanted to
.

Your teacher was partially correct in his assessment. Your ability to excel was related to motivation but not in the way he thought—your lack of motivation wasn’t the result of your poor attitude. It was the result of an ADDer’s need for intensely compelling motivation to grab the dysregulated selective
attention. It also had a lot to do with individual teaching styles.

Everyone has his own unique learning style. The visual learner learns by seeing, the auditory learner by hearing and the kinesthetic
learner by doing/experiencing. If you are a visual learner and the course in question was taught with many charts, diagrams and other visual aids, your brain received the optimal kind of stimuli.
Your memory was given just what it needed to function efficiently.

Recognizing individual learning styles can be very helpful in bypassing weak areas and focusing on strengths. The memory of an ADDer can compromise his attempts to learn, converse and carry out instructions. Understanding the process goes a long way toward helping him readjust his self-assessments.

We ADDer’s aren’t stupid or
oppositional. We just need to learn, and to demonstrate what we’ve learned, differently than others do. We’ll examine these differences in greater depth later in the book.

Social Skills’ Impaired Control Center

ADD has a profound impact on all areas of life, including social adjustment. Symptoms of the disorder can affect interpersonal relationships in a variety of ways.

Some people seem to be born with social gifts and skills of intuition that they use to “read” other people. Perhaps they have highly developed Social Skills’ Control Centers in their brains! With little effort, they seem to interact admirably in social situations. Many of us with ADD, however, really have to work hard at learning and using social skills.

We learn manners and other forms of
social rules in childhood, but successful relationships require more than memorized rules. The rules are somewhat flexible and can change from situation to situation. The development of social skills is more an art than a science because we must learn to read the ever-changing reactions of others. If deficient selective attention gets in the way, an ADDer’s perceptions may be flawed by inaccurate
or incomplete information.

If we are unsure of the rules in a given situation, we watch other people for clues and gauge their reactions to our behaviors. An inability to process information efficiently can result in a failure to assimilate the new rules quickly enough. Combined with impulsivity, this deficit can lead to numerous social mistakes.

Developing friendships can be difficult for an
ADDer whose restlessness interferes with the process. Building lasting friendships requires slow, careful planning and nurturing. Many of us simply can’t wait around long enough for this process to take its course. So we try to speed it up and come on like gangbusters, pushing ourselves into others’ lives.

“I know you said that you would call me, but I figured I’d just drop over and see what
you were doing. Yeah, I know it’s two a.m. Yeah, I know I already called three times today.”

An ADD adult may have brief conversations with many people but be unable to focus long enough on a given relationship to make a connection. It’s just too difficult to hang in there for the duration. Intimacy, with its demands for careful attention to another person, may elude him. He works so hard at
following
the rules and not looking foolish that he may have insufficient energy left to focus on someone else.

If you are an ADD adult who has grown up feeling like a social reject, don’t despair! It’s never too late to develop a social network. You may have unrealistic expectations for yourself, believing that you should have friends dropping in all the time. It can be healthier for your soul
to recognize that this lifestyle may be unnecessary and undesirable. Using your energy to develop one or two positive relationships can be a much better way to go.

Some of the eccentric traits that caused an ADDer’s childhood peers to label him “weird” often become admirable traits in adulthood. Weird becomes unique, special or interesting. Creativity, a special talent, a sense of humor or an
enthusiastic zest can be a social magnet, drawing other people to him.

By this point in your reading, we hope you have a better understanding about what ADD is and the impact it has had on your life. We hope you have begun to forgive yourself for the failures and shortcomings you may have blamed on your lack of character. We hope you know
that your ADD isn’t your fault.

In the next chapter, we’ll look at some additional dynamics of ADD. Our focus will be the unproductive ways many of us have learned to cope with our disorder. Growing up different affects the way each of us interacts with our individual world and the people in it.

By understanding your disorder you’ve already begun the process of dismantling your self-defeating
assumptions. To continue this important process, you need to consider both the adaptive and maladaptive strategies you’ve been using to cope with being different. With this knowledge, you can make decisions about your behaviors and modify those that are getting in the way of your recovery.

Chapter 3
The Not So Fine Art of Coping

“I won’t think about that today … I’ll think about it tomorrow.”

S
carlett O’Hara used this classic line several times in the movie
Gone With the Wind.
She had mastered the art of dealing with the problems in her life by avoiding them—she put them out of her mind. Scarlett may have been a fictional character, but she did what
all
human beings do: She developed
coping strategies, defense mechanisms, to defend herself against psychological and emotional pain.

Defense mechanisms are the survival techniques we learn through our life experiences. Scarlett learned to protect herself against feeling guilty for her less than admirable behaviors with her “I’ll put it out of my mind” defense. Defense mechanisms become armors that shield all of us from hurts
and disappointments.

Because of our differences, we ADDers endure more than our fair share of disappointments, rejections and feelings of inadequacy. By the time we reach adulthood, many of us have erected elaborate defense systems to hide our differences or distract others from seeing them.
We don’t want to be different
and will jump through hoops to fit in and gain acceptance. So we build shields
to defend ourselves against emotional harm.

Defense mechanisms can be psychologically beneficial. They can be adaptive, positive coping mechanisms. They can also be psychologically harmful, maladaptive coping mechanisms that undermine growth. Scarlett sometimes used her denial defense—“ If I don’t think about the problem, it doesn’t exist”—as an adaptive coping mechanism. When she killed a man
in self-defense, her refusal to think about the devastating circumstances enabled her to survive its horror.