You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder (24 page)

Work on Your Reading Skills:
Remember that people communicate through verbal and nonverbal channels. You’ll need to practice reading both kinds of language.
The verbal channel uses the voice as the instrument to produce words, while body language and facial expressions provide valuable clues about the impact of your behavior.

If you notice a look of horror, it’s a good bet that your words sent an unintended message—unless, of course, you wanted that particular reaction! Immediately apologize if you know your words were impulsive. If you hate to apologize,
grit your teeth and do it anyway! Think of it as balancing your checkbook or doing push-ups. It’s not fun but it makes life easier in the long run.

If you don’t know what caused the negative reaction, ask! You could say, “I noticed you frowned when I said such-and-such. Is there a problem?” An alternative is to make a joke about your impulsivity. You could say something like, “I have a bad case
of foot-in-mouth disease today. Please let me know if I’ve said or done anything out of line.” A lighthearted approach can make it easier for the other person to provide feedback about your behavior.

Welcome the Feedback:
When you receive the feedback,
listen to it!
The advice is three simple words. Responding appropriately to comments about your behavior, however, is anything but simple! Your
tendency might be to put up your shield and go into
automatic defense-and-attack mode
. Leave your shield at home or in the trunk of your car. Remember, you can’t do this all by yourself. You need help.

Think of this learning process as therapy. In physical therapy, for instance, the slogan used to inspire patients is “No pain, no gain.” And of course, comments don’t have to be negative. Don’t be afraid to ask for positive feedback as well, and don’t forget to thank the person for taking the time to help you.

Careful listening is hard, accepting criticism is harder and changing your behavior
is the hardest of all. But these are essential parts of your recovery. Using feedback to change your behavior can have a powerful, positive impact on your social success.

Carefully Choose Your Social Activities:
If you feel washed up and worn out after every social event, it might be time to reread the section on balance: Be honest with yourself: Do you
attend these functions because you want
to or because you feel compelled to? When an acquaintance shares his very full social calendar, do you feel somehow that you just don’t measure up socially?

There may be some social events that you must attend. Prepare carefully for these and do the best you can, but
Just say “no”
to the others. Be selective, and base your decision on a realistic assessment of your abilities and disabilities.
Small-group gatherings may work better for you.

This doesn’t mean we are suggesting that you give up on learning and practicing your relating skills. You will need them everywhere from PTA meetings to office planning sessions. Just remember that there isn’t a rule requiring you to be a social butterfly.

Act II: The Art of Relating
in One-to-One Encounters

Some of us prefer large-group interactions
that enable us to remain somewhat anonymous. We may feel far less comfortable in one-to-one relationships because it’s impossible to hide. Our carefully constructed shields don’t work well in close relationships that illuminate our shortcomings.

Even if your experiences in relationships have been unsuccessful, don’t resign yourself to solitary confinement. If you’ve been working hard at your
recovery, you have knowledge and skills you may have lacked before. Your newfound understanding about your balance sheet can support you as you risk the selfdisclosure inherent in developing close relationships. You can be successful if you’re aware of the potential pitfalls and design strategies to avoid them.

In Act II, we’ll study some other relationships in action. These are the one-to-one
encounters with friends and acquaintances. Let’s see what we can learn from them.

Ken

Ken looks up to see Paul walking down the aisle. He runs over to him, expressing surprise and delight to see him again so soon after their first meeting. He asks if Paul received the three messages he left for him on his answering machine yesterday. He invites Paul to dinner that evening and without waiting
for an answer, begins asking what his new friend would like to eat. Ken begins telling his new friend all about the cooking classes he’s taking and what he’s learned about designing healthy menus.

Carolyn
Carolyn invites Jason, her new neighbor, to join her for a cup of coffee. She talks briefly about the neighborhood and comments that she’s sure he’ll like it much better than where he used to
live. Jason tells her that he’ll miss the cookouts he used to have with his three neighbors. Carolyn responds by telling him not to worry about it. She tells him that in this neighborhood, fifteen families share a block party every summer! Carolyn refills her coffee but doesn’t notice that Jason’s is empty. She responds to his story about the tree house his son built in their old yard, by gazing
out her back door. She advises, “Well, I bet with my son’s help, your boy will be able to build a really great tree house in his new backyard.”

Notes: Act II

Many of the rules for interactions are the same for both group and individual encounters. We must take turns listening and speaking, watch for nonverbal behavior and monitor verbal and nonverbal communication. Beyond these similarities,
though, individual interactions require somewhat different skills.

Is your friendship mode similar to Carolyn’s or Ken’s? Don’t worry if you identify with either of them, because they have a lot going for them. With some refinements, they could develop good interaction skills.

Ken shows genuine affection for Paul and is willing to work hard at developing this new friendship. What he needs to
do is work equally hard at not working so hard! He needs to learn to redirect his focus from his needs to his friend’s needs.

Then there’s Carolyn. Desperately wanting her new neighbor to like her and his new neighborhood, she overwhelms him with her intensity. She needs to think about her words and review the messages she sends. She needs to watch Jason’s body language and note his attempts
to add comments to her one-way conversation. By singing the praises of her neighborhood, she’s trying to help him adjust to his new home. Jason’s body language would give her a good clue that she’s sending an unintended message of boasting and “one-upping.”

Synopsis: Act II

There’s both good news and bad news for an ADDer in one-to-one social interactions. The good news is that these encounters
put fewer demands on the ability to switch gears—there are fewer details to track and fewer people to read. The bad news is that tuning out is more obvious—the focus is on him with no one to run interference! He can’t afford to take mind detours because there’s no one to pick up and carry the conversational ball.

If you haven’t come to terms with your disorder, one-to-one communication can be
particularly scary. You might talk yourself into failure.

“
What if she doesn’t like me?”

“I don’t have anything interesting to say.”

“He’s a professor and I barely finished high school!”

“What if I forget her name?”

“What if I run out of things to say?
”

Engaging in negative self-talk is destructive because you look at only one side of your equation. Never forget the other side of your
balance
sheet! Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.” If you run from potential friendships, you’re acting and believing
you can’t
. On the other hand, if you affirm yourself as a capable person who happens to have some disabilities, you are acting and believing
you can
.

Many of us have excellent people skills. We can learn to be great listeners, locking
in our focus to give a flattering level of attention to the other person. The rhythm of the exchange is slower and easier to follow in one-to-one encounters. We can focus intently, noticing things that others miss and offering sensitive and empathic support.

You may be fortunate to have a close friend. You may have several close friends. But if your friendships are rocky or shorterlived than
you’d like them to be, you may need to get to work. As you think about your own skills in one-to-one relationships, consider these tips. They may be useful and give you added confidence in these situations.

Survival Tips: Act II

Relax and Listen:
Don’t feel you have to fill every second with conversation. ADDers tend to go to extremes, talking a mile a minute or completely tuning out. Some silence
is okay. If you check out altogether, your companion will think you’re not interested in what he has to say.

The key to maintaining a correct balance between the two extremes is active listening. Active listening enables you to interact without filling up the conversation with your words. Send a message that you are listening and interested in what your companion has to say by nodding your head,
leaning forward and maintaining eye contact.

Watch his body language and pay attention to the message it sends. Interject comments that let your companion know you are listening.

“Go on” … “Tell me more” …
“Could you explain that a little more?”

If you find yourself talking excessively or feeling uncomfortable at a lull in the conversation, share your confusion:

“Am I talking too much?” … “I’ve run out of things to talk
about” … “Do you have any ideas?”

Clarify the Message:
Remember that communication is an art form. The clarity of the message has an impact on the listener’s understanding. Moreover, each of us interprets language from an individual frame of reference. The intent of the message can be misinterpreted regardless of how clearly it is stated.

Statement:
“Things are
a mess in this house.”

Although history may support the first statement, don’t jump to conclusions. To avoid communication misunderstandings, clarify the way you interpreted the message—restate it in your own words.

Avoid “Fightin’ Words”:
We talked about the importance of active listening. To ensure that your companion will interpret
your message
accurately, take great care with the words you use. One surefire method for shutting down the channels of communication is using the words “you always” or “you never.” Strike them from your vocabulary unless you want a full-scale battle to erupt! These words feel threatening and accusatory. They assign blame and create feelings of defensiveness. Even if your spouse rarely remembers your anniversary,
he has been around for fifteen years and remembering dates may be difficult for him.

A better technique is to rephrase your words as
I-messages
to communicate your feelings about how something affects you. When you use
You-messages
, you direct the focus to your listener and force him to argue his position. Here are some examples of the differences between these two kinds of messages:

Watch your listener’s body language. If he looks puzzled, stop talking. Ask him to clarify his understanding
of what you said. He may be hearing something very different from what you’re trying to say.

There are many other useful communication techniques, but we hope you get the idea from these examples. It might be helpful to increase your learning experiences by taking part in a class or group that practices these skills. The communications department of a local university would be a good place to
look for this kind of training.