Zombie Lover (43 page)

"But that's not the curse," Breanna said. "She has to find you."

"I have searched by ranging widely, telling women of the curse, so that if any should be the right one, she will be encouraged to come to me. That is how I have tried to nullify that aspect. But it has all been for naught. I fear my true love has already passed the critical age, and I am forever lost."

"This /s a negative assumption He is clearly in this funk because he has given up hope of success "

"Okay. Jeremy," Breanna said in businesslike fashion. "Either she's over twenty one and it's too late, or she isn't. There's no point in figuring she's over, because that's hopeless. So you have to figure she's under, and you can still find her, or rather, have her find you. Because that's the only way you can possibly win."

The werewolf prince gazed at her somewhat hopelessly. "What can I do, that I have not already done?"

"Let's get some basics established first. If you find your true love, will you agree to start training for the kingship?"

"Yes, of course. I have nothing against it. It's just that without my true love, I have no ambition for anything else."

"Okay. So as I see it, maybe you just need to make yourself more attractive to that ideal girl. Which is funny, in a way."

"Funny? I'm depressed."

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"Not funny you; funny thought. I just came from the Isle of Women, where I was helping a lady zombie learn to be more appealing to a king. Now I have to show a prince how to be more appealing to a lady. I'm no expert, either way, but at least the lady zombie did get the king."

"If you can enable me to get my true love, I will be forever in your debt."

"Actually, I'm just trying to help the three kings. They've had a whole lot more experience with woman than I have."

Bink laughed. "But we lack one prime prerequisite: we are not female."

"Which may be why you are here The distaff perspective is required "

"The what perspective?"

"Female."

"Oh. Well, I'll do my best." She addressed Jeremy again. "Now this perfect woman is foreign. That means she's not a werewolf?"

"At least is not a werewolf of the Isle of Wolves, though I have checked the local bitches too."

"The local whats?"

"A female canine is a bitch It is not a term of disrespect in this context "

"I knew that," she said, remembering. "So she could be a different type of crossbreed, or even dull human."

"She could be anything," Jeremy said. "That's what makes the search so difficult."

"For sure. But can we assume that she will have a human form, or can take that form when she wants to?"

"I don't know."

"Well, let's assume it, because that makes it a whole lot easier. Because what little I know about women is all human. I can't help you learn to impress a bi— a nonhuman female."

"That makes sense," King Dor said. "And perhaps the conventions for different species are similar enough in essence to make it relevant."

"Let's hope," Breanna said. "Okay, so lets see if we can make you so appealing to women that the right one is bound to take notice. It would be better if we had a real woman, but I guess we'll have to

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make do with what's available. Which is a simple girl. If you can impress me. you can probably impress her."

"I have impressed many women," Jeremy said. "But none would have noticed me if I weren't royal."

"Precisely. So let's pretend you are a completely ordinary werewolf. Ditch the crown."

Jeremy lifted the crown from his head. He buried it out of sight in the funk. "Now I am just another werewolf."

"Right." Breanna looked around. "Help me, guys. What comes next?"

"Perhaps you should be a woman passing by, and he tries to impress you." King Dor suggested.

"Okay. Impress me, Jeremy." Breanna walked just outside the glade, turned, and walked innocently back in. The three kings faded circumspectly into the background.

Jeremy became a huge wolf and rose up with a horrendous growl.

"Eeeeeek!" Breanna screamed. "The big bad wolf is going to eat me up!"

The wolf became the man. "No go?"

"No go," Breanna agreed. "I mean, impress me as a man. Like for a date." She walked out of the glade, and back in.

"Hello, luscious maiden," Jeremy said. "Have a date." He proffered a thyme berry.

Breanna almost fell over laughing.

"I made an error?" Jeremy asked, annoyed.

"My fault, I guess, for using a Mundane term. I meant a date, as in boy and girl go somewhere together and do something fun together."

"But you are too young for that."

"I don't mean storks!" she exploded. "Isn't there anything else on a man's mind?"

"Should there be?"

"At ease, Breanna It was a natural misunderstanding on his part, and he reacted appropriately He's a decent sort'

So she stifled her natural reaction, and used the occasion for some necessary education. "Some subtlety may be in order here. Men may think that storks are in constant need of summoning, but women have other things on their minds."

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"They do?'1 The werewolf seemed amazed.

"Definitely. So get the stork out of your mind. Anyway, we're play-acting here, so my age is irrelevant. So don't think of storks, not because I'm too young, but because no woman thinks of them until late in the game. Make her love you, then maybe she'll think of the stork. Eventually."

"Actually, the women of the Isle of Women seemed to think of nothing but storks, according to the report of the kings."

"They were trying to nab a king. That's different.1'

"/ suppose it is. I seems to be true that men have storks, or at least the act of summoning them, on their minds more than women do."

Jeremy shook his head. "This is more difficult than I ever imagined. How can women exist without constantly thinking of storks?"

"We have disciplined minds. So just try to figure out something that you and I might like to do together that has nothing to do with storks."

The man pondered, and cogitated, and thought, and considered, and reflected. Sweat formed on his brow.

"You stumped him."

Breanna almost laughed. "I guess I'd better give you a hint. How about taking a nice walk together?"

"Where?"

"Anywhere. It doesn't matter. The point is just to be doing it."

"This is strange indeed."

"Aren't there any interesting sights on the Isle of Wolves?"

"Well, there's the quandary."

"So let's take a walk and go see that."

"If you insist. It's really not much, especially with the masses."

"You aren't making this very interesting," Breanna said. "What masses?"

"The mass confusion and mass hysteria. People go near them, and—"

"I get the picture. Are there any other local sights?"

"There's the ink well. We draw buckets of ink up, and ship them to all other parts of Xanth."

Breanna made a gesture as of tearing her hair. "None of this will do. We'd better stick to boy-girl. Suppose we just walk around in a circle and make interesting conversation?"

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"But you said that girls don't think of anything interesting."

Breanna opened her mouth, but Justin intercepted her expostulation before it got out. "He means your refusal to think of stork summoning. Change the subject."

Good advice, again. "I think I'm just going to have to tell you some things to talk about. But that means I won't be able to judge how impressive it is. We need another girl."

"One who doesn't know I am a prince," Jeremy agreed.

"For sure. Okay, first off, you'll have to notice how pretty I am."

"But—"

"I don't mean me personally! I mean any woman. You have to compliment her. You have to scratch for nice things to say about her. If she's got distinctive features, you notice them. Whatever they are. Even if they're really not much. Now try noticing me."

He studied her head. "You have lustrous long black hair."

She clapped her hands. "That's it! You're making me be flattered, and that makes me like you better. Try again."

He looked at her face. "You have glowing green eyes."

"Right on!"

He looked at her mid section. "You have a nice little—"

"Nuh-uh! Off limits. There's nothing in that region you're supposed to notice."

He looked at her chest. "You—"

"No!"

"But there's not much else to notice."

"Then get creative. And after that, with luck, she'll ask about you, and you must tell her something moody and feelingful, evoking her sympathy, and then follow up with whatever seems apt. Just keep the dialogue going nicely, and she'll get interested in you. Then if she's the one. you're home free."

"I never did any of this before."

"Which is maybe why you never got anywhere. Let's see what else we ean arm you with." She looked around. "Any of you have suggestions?"

"The weather?" King Dor asked.

"Okay, Jeremy, if there's awkward silence, and you can't think of anything else, talk about the weather. Not bad weather; interesting weather."

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"This all seems horribly far-fetched."

"Women have far-fetched minds. Now let's review this, to be sure you have it straight. Then we'll have to go out and test it on a real woman."

They worked on it, and bit by bit he seemed to be getting it. But Breanna was really worried about whether it would every play in real life. This promised to be a long, grueling. and probably fruitless exercise. Meanwhile, she was tired; she normally slept in the daytime, and she hadn't had much of a chance yet today.

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hey seemed to be making progress, but Dolph was bored. Teaching Jeremy Werewolf to impress women favorably might be a positive step, but the chances of him being able to impress the right one in time seemed remote. How long would it take? Days? Weeks? Months? They couldn't afford the time. They had a big wedding to get back to, back home—wherever that was.

He stepped back out of sight, then became a small bird and flew up to take a look around. The isle was quiet; it was late afternoon and the wolves were mostly snoozing.