Inconsequential (J+P series) (3 page)

Chapter 5

“You are going to Jared’s room for a study session?!  Ooo I feel something brewing!!!” Jen teased.

“Stop it and go have sex with your boyfriend or something!  Leave me alone.  I am struggling with physics and he is so smart at it.  I just need to tap into that brain of his.”

“Perry, first of all, you can use a crib sheet on the test - why bother studyin’? Just make a kickass crib sheet.  Second, you want him, not just his brain.  And third, I think I WILL go have sex with my boyfriend.  Thanks for the suggestion.”  I rolled my eyes at her.

“Don’t forget to doll up.  You know you want him!!!”  Eye roll number two.

“Go away you sex fiend!  Leave me alone.”  Jen skipped down to her room with a smile on her face.

I loved Jen to death but I barely saw her.  Teasing each other just made me miss her more.  She and Edward were inseparable and their hormones were out of control.  She believed everyone should be having sex regularly.  I was not trying to join her sex nation.  I had already made a kickass crib sheet, and had my notebook, so I pinched my cheeks and spread some lip gloss on before heading to the guys side of the dorm.

Jared was waiting at the entrance, leaning against the door.  He looked breath taking.  He was lean with broad shoulders, brown messy hair, and a striking profile.  It took my breath away seeing him standing there.  Ok, study session, no feelings for him.  Feelings for him led to hurt and pain last year.  This year is about grades and staying at this college.  Physics, physics, physics.  Just then he looked up and saw me.  He smiled at me and I melted.  What was this pull that he had on me?  I hated turning into such a marshmallow around him.

“Hey Jared.  Thanks for helping me tonight.”

“Glad to help.  Greg is out shooting hoops with David so it should be quiet in my room.”

All alone with Jared.  Grades, Staying here.

“Great.”  I followed him to his room and sat in one of their old chairs.  I felt goose bumps growing on my arms and my stomach felt all jumbled.  Maybe this was a bad idea.  How much would I end up learning when my body was screaming at me how excited it was?  I was torturing myself by being here.  But maybe I was wrong, maybe I could pull it together and do this.  I unpacked my book, crib sheet, and notes.  “I worked on my crib sheet today and I think it covers everything.”

“Crib sheet?  You don’t need a crib sheet for the test.  Let me see that thing.”

“Careful with it.  Yes I do need it.” I stated.

“What the heck Perry!”  Jared flipped the crib sheet over in his hands, lifted flaps, and pulled out the accordion-style folded panel with my most prized equations.  I gleemed proudly at my piece of art.  I had worked hard and hoped it would be a huge help on the test.  “This thing is multi-layered.  Why are all these sections colored differently?”

“To keep sections organized.”

“Ten bucks says they won’t let you use this.”

“What?  No way.  They totally will.  It’s still single paged!”

“Yeah, POP-UP single page. “  He laughed and shook his head in disbelief.  He then put the crib sheet up high and settled in next to me in another chair.  “All you need is one equation.  All the rest can be derived from that one equation.”

“Jared, that will take me the whole test period!  My brain is not super physics brain like yours.  I can’t derive like you.  I need cheat sheets!”

“You don’t Perry, trust me.”  Jared spent the next 2 hours trying to teach me how to derive tons of equations from just one.  I spent those 2 hours resisting his teaching.  It was actually an enjoyable argument and a fun study session.  In the end, I didn’t learn much but I felt reconnected with Jared.

“Thanks for teaching me nothing.” I joked as I was packing up.

“Hey, I was teaching you plenty, you just turned your ears off and got stubborn.” he poked me in the ribs.  “But, you’re welcome and anytime you need something, let me know.”  He wrapped me in a hug and we said goodnight.

When I made it back to the room I noticed Molly was still up.  “Well, how did the study session go?”  She inquired. 

“Great, I didn’t learn a thing,”

“What?”

“He tried, but he is too smart for me.  I need someone less smart to tutor me.”  The insane statement that just came out of my mouth was honest but absurd.  “He didn’t want me to use a crib sheet.  Can you believe it?”

“Really?  Why?” She asked.

“Something about deriving all equations from one.  Like I said, too smart for me.”

She laughed.  Just then our room phone rang and we both jumped.  I grabbed it and answered.

“Hello?” I asked.

“Where the hell have you been?”  It was my mom.  I had forgotten to call her back and she sounded angry.

“Mom, sorry, I’ve been busy.  I have a big test this week and just got busy studying.”

She could care less about my excuse and I knew she’d react that way, but my instinct was to defend myself.  Unfortunately, it only led to a bigger fight in the end.

She spent the next 10 minutes arguing over my irresponsibleness in not calling her back and 20 minutes bragging about the incredible achievements she accomplished at work and how all her bosses adored her.  “Then I presented the Williams project to the group and they fell in love with me.  They could not stop talking about what a great job I had done on my slides and talk.  You should really be proud of me.”  All I could say was “That’s great, sounds like you’re really happy.”  The last 5 minutes were her reminding me that we had 4 weeks of the fall semester remaining and that every grade counted.  She never asked how I was doing, if I was happy, if I was feeling well.  This was a call about her and she wanted an audience.  When it ended I felt unimportant and uncared for.  I wished so badly that I could tell her about my study session with Jared.  I wanted to share the things that made me happy, but I knew it would be met with scolding. If I didn’t make the grades, she would blame him for distracting me.   “I need to go to bed Mom.  Goodnight.”

“Aren’t you going to tell me you love me?”

Sigh, “I love you.”

“Ok, I love you too then.”

God dammit.  Even the end of our conversation pissed me off.  Why couldn’t she say those words to me first?  What if I didn’t say “I love you?”  Would she never say those words to me on her own?  I hung up the phone but headed straight for the bathroom. 

“Perry, you ok?”  Molly shouted after me.

I waved her off.  I was mad and I needed space.   I had enough to handle here, I didn’t need to be her cheerleader too!  I ran into the last bathroom stall and slammed and locked the door.  I slid down to the ground and felt the hot tears on my cheeks.  I don’t even know how long I sat there.  I didn’t want Molly to see me all a mess.  I had tried telling others about the turmoil between my mom and myself but no one ever believed it.  In fact, they would just look at me and not say anything. In hindsight I think they were trying to stay out of it, but it felt like my concerns were not valid because they wouldn’t even comment on what I had confided in them.  I had learned to endure it and keep quiet.  Sometimes I wished the abuse was physical so it was visible to me and others.  The emotional abuse was something felt inside.  It hurt just as bad, but outsiders could not see it, making it hard to believe it.   I did not want Molly inquiring about it.  I am not sure I could explain it to her.  Maybe it really was all in my head? 

I needed the pain inside to go away.  I needed to be embraced in love.  Was I so undeserving of that?  I must be an awful person to not be worthy of love.  I wondered if my lack of relationships with the opposite sex was because I had been taught that I don’t deserve love.  I took some deep breaths and splashed some cold water on my face. 

I headed back to the room.  I had hoped having a fun time with Jared tonight would guarantee him starring in my dreams tonight, but after the phone call I just had, it would probably be my mom again.  Molly must have sensed my mood because she left me alone.  I grabbed my music player and headphones and hopped into bed.  I fell asleep with loud, angry rock music blaring in my ears.

My sleep that night was fit-full and dreamless.

Friday came all too soon and the physics test was upon me.  I went to the armory and sat in this giant hanger with 80 other kids.  Everyone had crib sheets but none were as elaborate as mine.  I was proud and confident in my crib sheet.

The test wrapped up 70 minutes later.  In the end, I spent too much time hunting for things on my crib sheet.  Maybe Jared was right, I should have remembered one equation and derived the rest. After the test I headed back to the dorms to tell Jared how the test went.  It was past dinner time so the sun had already set for the day.  I had enough wits to know I should walk a steady pace home and to take a well-lit path.  But I felt someone watching me.  I looked around but didn’t see anyone.  There were lots of trees and shrubs lining the path.  Even though they were well manicured, someone could easily hide in the foliage.  I walked a little faster and positioned my room key between my fingers to act as a weapon.  Then I heard a faint whistle.  I paused and looked around but I still saw no one, not even another student walking back from the test.

I needed to get to the dorm fast.  I quickened my pace but didn’t run.  I was nearing a major intersection, I just needed to make it there - a more public space.  I heard a whistle again, almost like a chirping and it sent chills down my spine.  I made it to the intersection and broke into a run to the dorm.  I could see it in the distance and I could stay on the sidewalk next to the street till I got to the front door.

The sidewalk leading to the front doors was well lit and when my hand was on the handle I dared a look over my shoulder but there was no one behind me.  I opened the door and took a moment to catch my breath.  Maybe I was over-suspicious and it was nothing - some kids fooling around, or maybe I succeeded at evading an attacker.  My heart was pumping fast from the adrenaline and all I could think about was making it to my room and locking the door.  I took the stairs two steps at a time and struggled to steady my hand to get my keys in the lock.  I opened it and flicked on the light.  Molly was gone, probably visiting her brother in the guys’ wing.  I threw down my bag, kicked off my shoes, and tried to slow my breathing down.  I hated feeling so vulnerable walking on campus at night.  It wasn’t in a bad neighborhood, but there were a few write-ups in the campus rag that told of girls being attacked and raped at night on campus.  I decided a hot shower might calm me down so I could attempt sleep.  I grabbed my shower caddy and headed to the girls restroom.

Chapter 6

“So are we buying something for everyone in the group?” Mags asked.

‘Yep, price is between $5-$10.” I confirmed.

The guys were coming up for a movie night again.  We were in our final push before winter break.  The pizza was ordered, the movies were cued, and I was finishing trimming Edward’s hair.

“I’m next.” Jared said.  Jared started hanging around us more after the physics study session.  It was nice having him around again and I was doing a good job of not letting my mind take it past a friendship. 

“Edward, you are all set, that will be $100.” I smiled. 

“Umm, I will gladly pay you Tuesday.” He joked.

“What are you doing?  Channeling your inner Wimpy?  I’ll just take a ‘thank you’.”

The boys were so trusting to have me give them a trim.  I was not skilled at cutting hair but I was anal about symmetry and the only girl brave enough to risk the boys getting ticked if they hated it.   It was a good thing I hadn’t had an angry customer yet. “Jared, you’re up.”  He sat in front of me and they began the movie.  When I was more than halfway done with his cut, our phone rang.  “Hello?”

“Hold on a sec.”  I said to Jared and I went out into the hall and shut the door to speak in private.  My mom then inquired how my studying for finals was coming.  I wondered if she could hear the people in my room.  She probably thought I never studied and just partied.  If that’s what she thought, she’s mistaken.  I socialized about 25% of the time and that included meals and roommate time. The rest of my time was spent in class, studying, or sleeping.

“Mom, I walked past this building called Student Services the other day.  I went in to see what was in there and they had guidance counselors that could help you make choices for your classes and career.”

“So?” She asked in an annoyed tone.

“So, they had this test you could take.  It asked a ton of questions.  Then they scored it and they could narrow down which careers would be best for your personality.”

“Again, so what?”

“So I took the test. I figured this career path I am currently on is so competitive that if my best isn’t good enough, it’s nice to know there are other options out there.”

“Yeah, like flippin’ burgers at a fast food joint,” she muttered under her breath.  But I heard it and I was feeling both mad and defeated.

“Actually, there are tons of good careers out there that would pay well.  And guess what?  My personality doesn’t even fit with the career path I am on!”  I was beginning to talk faster and louder.  I was excited about learning about other jobs I could pursue and wanted to share that promising news.  I was a good student and knew I could succeed at something, if I found the right path.

“What do a bunch of hippy guidance counselors know?!  I have known you my whole life and know what’s best for you.  And you’d better remember that if you don’t have outstanding grades...this will be your last year there.  If you can’t succeed at life sciences, then you will amount to nothing.  There is such a need for doctors, nurses, pharmacists, vets, that is the only career worth spending any time and attention.”  The tears were racing down my face.  “I don’t agree with you.  There are lots of jobs you can work and make good money at.  Besides, you have to LIKE your job too.  You’ll be working at it the rest of your life.  Doesn’t that matter?”   I hated my life.  Why could I not be free to make my own decisions?

“Goodbye mother.” I said and hung up before she could say anything more.  I took some solid breaths and wiped my tears away. It took me several minutes though because the tears fell faster once I hung up the phone.  Hopefully no one would notice, I didn’t want the whole crowd asking me a million questions to try and understand my home life.  When I felt calm and collected, I returned to my room.

The movie was rolling and everyone was settled in their spots.  Jared was right where I left him and I picked up my scissors to finish his haircut.

“You know, your eyes are so beautiful when you cry,” he said very quietly.  I was shocked and ashamed at the same time. I thought I had waited long enough in the hall for the physical signs of crying to dissipate.  I must have looked splotchy with blood shot eyes. I looked to the ground to avoid his eye contact.   “Are you ok?”  He asked.  I glanced around the room, everyone was distracted by the movie except Jared.  I nodded and continued cutting his hair.  “I’m sorry, it’s really hard for me to sit here while she says mean things to you on the phone.  It takes everything in me to not rip the phone out of your hand and chew her out.  I don’t even know her and I already hate her.  You’re a good person Perry, I don’t know what her problem is.”  I felt new tears forming.  He got me.  No one ever spoke up for me or defended me.  Everyone would just look at me in silence or disbelief.  I felt his arms wrap around my waist for a hug.  I put my arm around his shoulders and whispered “Thank you.”  I felt part of my heart heal with his kind words.   All this time I never thought anyone would understand what it felt like to be me.  I had quit trying to get people to understand because they only saw the facade, they never saw how behind it was a pile of crap that rotted and festered.  No one had believed me, until today.