Inconsequential (J+P series) (5 page)

Chapter 9

Finals were over.  Bags were packed, and it was time to let loose, enjoy my friends, and celebrate the end of the semester.  Jen had made a spiked Egg Nog, Greg and Jared brought some Rolling Rocks and MGD’s, someone else made a non-alcoholic punch, and there were different festive cookies.  We put the little tree in the middle of our room’s open space and all our friends sat around it, enjoying the goodies and chatting about Christmas and the upcoming break. 

We passed our presents out to each other.  The rule was to spend $10 or less on each person.  Everyone seemed to like their presents.  I bought Greg a ticket to see one of our favorite bands over break with me, he was so excited.  He bought me a 12 pack of my favorite pop, Diet Coke with Lime.  “You know me too well, and it’s perfect.” I told him.

I wasn’t sure what to buy David so I bought him a nice rustic picture frame and I included a picture of me and the guys.  “Thanks for the picture Perry.” he seemed happy with the gift.

“David, I wasn’t sure what to buy you.  But I know it’s hard for you to get motivated here at school.  I really want you to succeed and I hoped this picture would motivate you so you could do well and stay at school with us.”  I told him in a quiet voice so everyone would not know his business.

“It’s awesome Perry, thanks,” he said looking at the picture.  “Oh, here’s your present.” 

I unwrapped it and a medium sized dream catcher lay inside the wrapping paper.  “Thanks David, how very Jacob Black of you.”

“Jacob who?”

“Never mind, it’s a Twilight thing.”

“Is Jacob the super sexy one who gets all the girls and gives awesome presents?  If so, then yes, ‘how very Jacob Black of me’.”  That earned him a gentle poke in the ribs and a hug from me.  Everyone got a good chuckle out of his comment though.

Next I gave Jared a snow globe with a boy figure holding an umbrella over a girl.  He looked a bit puzzled.  “I thought of you when I saw that.  Sometimes when I feel life is raining down on me, you seem to shelter me from it.”

He smiled and continued looking at it and then took out his gift for me.

“My gift is a little bit related to that. Here.”  I opened a little cloth bag and inside was a medallion on a leather cord.  There was a lightning bolt symbol on the front of it.  I put it on and wondered why a lightning bolt reminded him of me.  I then pulled out the little card that was inside the bag.  The card had the symbol on it and the following:

Ancient Rune

Sowilo “the sun”

Helps ward against the harmful opinions of others

and to keep the heart focused on its purpose

I looked up at him and then at the snow globe.  He gave me a shy half-smile.  “I know you are heading home on break and I hoped this might help you.” 

I fell a little more in love with Jared at that moment.  “I love it.  Thank you,” and I hugged him.  I was beginning to feel a bit light headed and wondered how much liquor Jen put in the egg nog.

“Hey, we are out of beer, I need one of you ladies to come to my room and help me get some more.” Greg announced. 

“Why a girl?” Molly asked.

“Because I need someone to escort me back up to this room.” I volunteered because I needed a distraction.  As much as I enjoyed the gifts, I had a hard time receiving them and I felt a new tension in the room.  I grabbed a towel to wrap the beers in so we could hide it from the RA.

As Greg and I were walking to his room he was talking about how excited he was about the concert. I added, “I bought tickets for one of my friends back home so there will be three of us going.  Just come to my house an hour before the show starts.”  Greg dug out his room key and was fumbling with the lock.

“A little tipsy?” I giggled. 

“Just getting started Perry.  I’ve been good all semester and I have no obligations tomorrow, get in here.” He said and closed the door behind me.

“Alright, where’s the beer?” I turned to ask Greg and smacked right into his chest.  His arms came around me and he lowered his head and began kissing me.  He was so gentle and loving with his lips that I couldn’t help but melt into the kiss and enjoy it for what it was.  The only thing I could focus on was how he was not like my last kiss, he didn’t shove his tongue down my throat, he caressed me and savored me.  It was organic and heartfelt, not robotic and forced.  I had never been kissed like this before and I was amazed at how it made me feel inside.  After a while we both pulled back and looked at each other, a bit shocked.  To be honest, we both looked as though we were placed in a dark room and told to kiss the other person in the dark room, and after enjoying it, someone turned on the lights and we discovered who we had kissed.  His expression was not like in the movies where you now fall head over heels, it was more of a “now what are we going to do about this situation.”

“Um, we better get the beer and head back.” I muttered.  Greg stared at me a while longer and then gave a quick nod and grabbed the beer.  He hid it within the towel and we left and headed for my room.

“Jeez, did you guys get lost or something?  We were gonna send a search party for you.” Jared joked. 

I was still in shock, this whole night was pushing me past my comfort zone.  “Um, we just were talking, lost track of time.”  I looked over at Greg and he was sitting with his arms on his knees with his eyes trained to the floor.   I had no idea what was going through his mind.  In my mind, I loved him.  At least as a friend.  I could just be friends with him, or, could I be more?  Too complicated, especially with liquor on the brain.   I would let him make the moves if our relationship needed to change.  For right now he seemed like a skittish cat and I hoped he didn’t just mess up our friendship.  I couldn’t lose Greg as a friend.  Maybe he just needed time to wrap his head around things.  Time to consider things when he sobers up.  Winter break would be a good break away from each other, although now that I got him concert tickets he had a date to come visit me.  I needed to not worry about this, not now.  It was the last time I would see my friends for 3 weeks and I wanted to laugh and enjoy myself. 

At 11pm we kicked the last of our friends out.  When Greg left, he gave an awkward side hug and he never looked me in the eyes after the kiss.  Molly and I cleaned up the room and got ready for bed.  She hopped in her bed and I climbed into my side of the loft.  “Can I tell you something?  But I need you to not tell anyone else.”

I needed to talk to someone about this and Molly seemed safe enough plus she understood how close I was with all the boys.  “Yeah, of course.”

“Remember when I went with Greg to get more beer?”

“Yeah, you guys took forever.”

“Well, we kinda made out.”

Molly gasped.  She sounded as surprised as I felt.  “No WAY!  How did it happen?”

“I know right, total shock.  I don’t know, I went into his room and turned around, bumped into him, he grabbed me and started kissing me.”

“A peck?”

“No peck.  Shit.  I’m worried everything is all messed up between us.” I said sadly.

“Nah, he’ll probably forget about it once he sobers.”

“Oh, thanks a lot.  You sound like he wouldn’t have approached me if he was sober!” My poor self-esteem was talking again.

“I didn’t mean that, you just see things differently when sober.  So was he a good kisser?”

“You have no idea.” I couldn’t help but smile at the memory.

“What if you guys become an item now?  What would David think? Or Jared?”

“I have no idea.  Trying not to get my hopes up.  He acted real weird after the kiss, and David, I am not trying to get with him so I am not worried about him.  Jared?  I can’t seem to land him despite my efforts - he is just a flirt.  Besides, no one knows about this besides you, me, and Greg.”

“Does this mean you are 100% over Jared?”

Why was she asking that question?

“I don’t know, I loved the present he got me.  He is the first person who can see deeper than everyone else.  He’s cute, so smart, and independent and so real.  It’s hard to not like the guy.  How can I ever be over him?”

“Anyway, drama-queen, get some sleep over there.  I bet things will be different over break.” Molly reassured me.

“You know, I had my head firmly attached this semester - all studying and no boy drama, and here it is thrust back into my lap.  It better not complicate next semester.”  I sighed and shook my head.  “Goodnight Molly.”

“Night Perry.”

Chapter 10

Three hours in the car was a long time to drive and be alone with your thoughts.  Chuck was busy listening to his playlist and as much as I tried to focus on the songs, I had too much to turn over in my head.  First, what should I do as a plan B if I am not in the top 10 percent of my life science classes and can’t advance to the advanced studies?  I didn’t know the answer to that.  I had always liked drawing but my parents told me on a daily basis that I was not good enough to make a living doing any form of art.  They wanted me in the medical field.  They felt that was the only area that would lead to secure, good paying jobs.  The only majors worth pursuing a college education for.

Next I needed to think about what to get my parents for Christmas.  I probably needed to hit the mall and window shop a little.  I didn’t have a lot of money, but I wanted to get them a nice present.

And the last thing stirring about my head was why did Greg kiss me?  Was it because he was drunk and wasn’t thinking straight?  Was it because he had his inhibitions lowered and let loose because he really does have feelings for me?  I didn’t know the answer.  He must have regretted it because he wouldn’t even look at me the rest of the night.  I felt so vulnerable and stupid for kissing him back.  Maybe if I pretended it never happened life could go on as usual.  When he came up for the concert, I would treat him like normal Greg.  Then, if there was any awkwardness, it would be because of him.  I had several days before the concert.  Maybe that was enough time to let the weirdness dissipate. That whole night was a mess.  Here I was having a little more feelings for Jared and then Greg comes from out of nowhere and blindsides me.

“See you in two weeks Perry, and Merry Christmas,” Chuck said as he helped me get my bags out of the trunk.

“See ya’, thanks for the ride and Merry Christmas to you too Chuck.” I hugged him and headed inside.

The house was quiet - no one was home.  My parents shouldn’t be home for another 3 hours.  “Anyone home?” I yelled just in case.  No one answered.  I set my stuff down and grabbed the spare car keys and decided to hit the mall to hunt for presents.  The mall had 4 big anchor stores and many smaller shops in between.  It was busy for a weekday afternoon but I presumed it was because Christmas was less than a week away.  I decided to get my dad some new golf balls and a new putter.  He loved golf and I heard him complaining that his putter was so old that he should really replace it.  My mom was harder to buy for.  She had everything she wanted.  So I decided that I would get her a mom and daughter day at the spa.  I went to the posh spa that was in a shopping plaza near the mall and bought 2 spa packages that included facials, manicures, and pedicures.  It was a great gift because she never took time to pamper herself.  Plus, she could spend time with me doing girly things...

I headed home to wrap my presents.

*****

Being away from home always made me forget how incredibly awful it was to live under the roof with my parents.  Maybe I was used to being free, or maybe it was a hidden hope that it would be different this time.  Whatever it was...it created the delusion that home life would be “normal”. 

“I don’t like you living out of a suitcase.  Unpack your bags and store them in the closet.  We aren’t a bunch of pigs that leave messes everywhere we go.”  I sighed and headed to the room I stayed in.  There was not much room to store my clothes since most of the drawers held linens and towels.  After unpacking I stored my suitcase in the closet and headed back for the couch.  I wanted to hide away in my room but she would seek me out within minutes and yell at me for not “coming out to talk to her”. 

“What are the holiday plans this year Mom?”  I had a general idea what the plans would be since they rarely changed from year to year, but I figured I would ask because it made for harmless small talk.

“We are hosting Christmas with our extended family this year so we need to do quite a bit to prepare.  There will be about 30 people here on Christmas Day.”

“Whoa, ok.  Sounds like a big job.”

“Then we go to church Christmas Eve., have one dinner to go to between Christmas and New Year’s, and then on New Year’s, your dad and I are going out.”

“Do you work the entire time or do you have a few days off? I pried.

“I have a few days off, why are you asking?”  I knew why I was asking but I couldn’t tell her.  I had the perfect present and I needed to keep it secret, but I also needed a day reserved for her and me.

“I was hoping you and I could spend some time together one of the days you are off.”

“Umm, ok.  Maybe next Thursday.”  I nodded in agreement.  I would call the spa tomorrow and book our treatments.

“I have a concert that I am going to with two of my friends.  It’s in a few days.  I just wanted to let you know about it.”  She looked at me with a hard look.  She had never liked me going to rock concerts.  She must have had such little faith in me because she worried that I would start using drugs after attending a show.  There were some concert-goers that did drugs, but I had no part in that. 

“Is that so?  Where is this concert?”

“Downtown at one of the clubs.  But I won’t be going alone.”  I paused.  “You know Mom, I’ll be ok.  I’m almost 19 and I live away from home.  I can make good decisions, you shouldn’t worry about me going to a concert.”  She just grunted and began on the dishes.  It seemed to be the end of that conversation so I presumed we were on the same page for the concert.  I had no idea if Greg was going to bail on me or show for the concert.  He totally shut down after the kiss, I wish I knew what he was thinking. 

“I’m gonna go check my email, be back in a few minutes to help with supper.”  I ran off to my room and fired up my computer.  There were no emails yet but I decided to send a group email out to my friends.

Hey guys (and girls),

I’m back at home and hoping for some snow this break.  I promise I won’t be reckless like my last dinner-tray sledding excursion.  I hope each of you have a great Christmas and a fun break.  I will miss you all.

Love,

Perry

I sent it and hoped to hear from some of them soon.

*****

Christmas Eve was upon us and my mom was busy trying to prepare all the dishes ahead of time so that tomorrow she could just man the oven and stove.  I was put on decorations and table setting duty.  I set the fine silverware neatly in the linen napkins and tied them with a ribbon.  Once I had enough I moved on to setting up the plates for the meal. 

“Perry, stop what you are doing.  I ran out of sour cream and I wanted to pick up a poinsettia for tomorrow.  I am covered in food and wouldn’t dare step out of the car, so you must come with and run into the store for me.”  I grabbed my coat and started lacing up my Chuck Taylors.  She drove to the grocery store down the street and it was busy with people running in for last minute menu items.  “Here’s $40, I want 2 poinsettias and 1 tub of sour cream.  Hurry up and meet right back here.  I will be waiting on you.”

“Ok, I’ll hurry.” I ran inside and found the sour cream first.  Then I grabbed 2 of the holiday plants and threw them in a cart and headed to check out.  When I finished, I headed outside.  No snow had fallen over break but the air was cold and crisp.  The sun was shining as bright as ever but there was not one snowflake in the sky.  I looked around for my mom’s car but it was nowhere to be found.  So I sat on the landscape curb and watched for a few minutes but she didn’t appear.  Had I misheard her?  Was there another entrance to the store that I was supposed to meet her at?  I went back in the store and headed to the customer service desk.

“Excuse me.  Is this the only customer entrance into the store?”  The young clerk was only slightly older than me.  She looked at me suspiciously and I realized that it was a strange question to have asked.  She did not know my family to know that misunderstandings were quite common.  I usually was the one to blame for the misunderstanding so I tried to prevent them when I could.

“Yes,” was all she said with a dismissive tone.

“What the hell, where is she?” I muttered to myself.  I went out front to look for her again but her car was still not there.  Maybe there was some emergency at home and she drove back.  Surely she would come back for me as soon as the emergency was over.  How would she let me know though?  I hadn’t brought my phone since I thought it would be a quick trip.  I went back to customer service and asked if I could use their phone.  The clerk looked annoyed but let me use it anyway.  Boy, she was Miss Personality.  She should have been a bagger not someone in customer service.

After several rings the voicemail kicked in and I had to leave a message. “Mom, where are you?”  I was quiet yelling into the phone.  “I am still at the store with the items you asked me to buy but you aren’t here.  Call the store if you get this message.”  I hung up and decided to look outside one more time.  She was storming toward the store looking madder than I had ever seen.  “There you are.  Where were you?”  I asked.  I felt relieved, mad, and panicked all at the same time.

“Where was I?!  Where were you?  Are you too stupid to follow directions?  I told you to pick those items up and meet back here.”

“I did that.  You weren’t here.”  I replied flatly.

“Bull.  I was here waiting and you didn’t show.  Do you have any idea how much time you wasted by pulling this stupid move?  God you are so stupid.”  She looked away from me and started to march off “Get in the damn car RIGHT NOW!”

How had this become my fault?  Had I misheard her?  Maybe she meant she was going to park nearby and watch for me.  Maybe she got distracted.  Maybe I messed up somehow.  I felt the tears prickle in my sockets.  I was no longer the independent 18 year old, I was now reduced to a scared and insecure 5 year old who was stupid and worthless.  I tried to focus on my breathing so the tears would not pour down my face.  I just needed to make it home before I fell apart.  All I could hear was “you are so stupid, it’s all your fault”.  A negative mantra playing through my head.

We pulled up to the house and she slammed the car door.  She was still as mad as ever.  I grabbed the two plants from the back since she was already in the house back to her cooking with her new sour cream.  I put them near the front door and took off my shoes and coat.  Then I went to my room and dug in my purse for my small Swiss army knife and went to the bathroom.  I knew I needed time away from her and she wouldn’t think twice about me with the cooking before her.  My hands were shaking.  I felt so very small, so very Inconsequential.  A mistake.  My chest felt so tight from all the things I felt like saying to my mom.  Wasted words because she didn’t care what came out of my mouth.  Words that didn’t matter, feelings that didn’t matter.  Thoughts that meant nothing to anyone.  They felt important to me, but I was told so often that they meant nothing, that I had believed no one cared about them, so why share them.  Why tell my mom that I went out of the store several times looking for her?  Why tell her that I was scared that something had happened to her or to someone back home?  Those actions and emotions were stupid and didn’t matter.  Yet they bubbled over in my chest making it feel like I was going to burst into a million pieces.  The pressure was suffocating.  As I dragged the blade along my inner arm, the relief was instantaneous.  Blood and tears fell onto my bare leg and I felt the air move in and out of my chest at a more steady rhythm.  I was like an overinflated balloon, about to burst, and someone decided to open the knot to let some air out and relieve the pressure.  There was no euphoria.  I did not get off on cutting myself.  But it was the only band-aid I had in my arsenal to stop the bleeding of my heart. 

I became more clearer headed as I sat there.  I needed to wrap my wound, clean my knife, delete the message on the answering machine, and avoid talking about the grocery store misunderstanding.  I could do that.  But it would not erase the scars that were freshly put on my internal self.  I grabbed the first aid kit from under the sink and put a piece of gauze on my cut and wrapped it with a thin ace wrap.  Lucky for me that it was winter and I could pull my long sleeves down to cover the wound.  I cleaned the knife with soap and water and put it in my pocket and then headed out of the bathroom to delete the voicemail.