150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (23 page)

The Crappies

The Special Award for Worst Preview goes to …
The editors who created a preview that consists of random fragments of the film's jokes and punchlines in a random order.

And the Worst Acting Award goes to …
Clint Eastwood for giving one of the worst performances of his career, a surprising fact since he had a large degree of control over the film and how it turned out.

They Really Said It!

Speer
: And just what were you going to do after the bomb went off?

Betcha Didn't Know

The writer credited as Sam O. Brown is actually Blake Edwards, creator of the Pink Panther film series. Edwards reportedly left the project following creative differences with Eastwood.

This was one of two films produced and partially funded by Burt Reynolds's production company, Deliverance Productions.

(The other was the 1981 film
Sharkey's Machine
.)

Trivia Quiz

Which actor turned down the role of Han Solo in
Star Wars?

A: Clint Eastwood

B: Burt Reynolds

C: Richard Roundtree

D: Rip Torn

Answer: B. Burt Reynolds also turned down the role that won Jack Nicholson an Oscar in
Terms of Endearment
, Kevin Klein's role in
Soap Dish
, and the role Bruce Willis landed in the
Die Hard
franchise, as well as an offer to take over James Bond after Sean Connery quit.

PRODUCERS
Gary Barber and Roger Birnbaum (executive producers), Mike Myers, Michael De Luca, and Donald J. Lee Jr. (producers)

WRITERS
Mike Myers and Graham Gordy

DIRECTOR
Marco Schnabel

STARS
Mike Myers (
Guru Pitka/young Pitka/teenage Pitak/Maurice/
himself
), Jessica Alba (
Jane Bullard
), Romany Malco (
Darren Roanoke
), Manu Narayan (
Rajneesh
), Justin Timberlake (
Jacques “Le Coq” Grande
), Verne Troyer (
Coach Punch Cherkov
), and Stephen Colbert (
Jay Kell)

Guru Pitka (Myers), a new-age, self-help sensation, is approached by the owner of a hockey team (Alba) to help her resolve relationship problems that are keeping her star player (Malco) from performing properly on the ice.

Why It Sucks

There isn't a single joke in the film that doesn't feel forced. Myers is so in love with his own humor that he repeats them, draining what little amusement the film may have contained. Worse, Myers's Guru Pitka character is slimy and obnoxious, constantly chuckling at his own jokes. By the end of the movie, you want to take a shower.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Actor Award goes to …
Michael Myers for Guru Pitka, a performance that is as unfunny as it is repulsive.

And the Worst Script Award goes to …
Mike Myers and Graham Gordy for writing a comedy where the funniest jokes involve Ben Kingsley crossing his eyes and a cameo appearance by Mariska Hargitay.

They Really Said It!

Guru Pitka
: Intimacy is like putting your wiener on the table and having someone say, “That looks like a penis, only smaller.”

Betcha Didn't Know

Guru Pitka was conceived for, but ultimately dropped from, the 1999 Michael Myers film
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
.

As the film debuted in 2008, Rajan Zed, self-important publicity hound and self-appointed spokesman of Hindus everywhere, declared the film offensive because it lampooned Hindu beliefs.

Trivia Quiz

Mike Myers stated in an interview that before filming he tests and practices his characters and jokes in front of live audiences, just like which of the following legendary comic film performers?

A: The Marx Brothers

B: The Three Stooges

C: The Ritz Brothers

D: The Grimm Brothers

Answer: A. The Marx Brothers. The most famous routines of Groucho, Harpo, and Chico were tested and perfected-in their early films through live vaudeville performances, and in their later movies by tours organized by MGM.

PRODUCERS
Jeffrey Robinov and Robert Watts (executive producers), Steven Seagal, Julius R. Nasso, and A. Kitman Ho (producers)

WRITERS
Ed Horowitz and Robin U. Russin

DIRECTOR
Steven Seagal

STARS
Steven Seagal (
Forrest Taft
), Michael Caine (
Michael Jennings
), Joan Chen (
Masu
), and John C. McGinley (
MacGruder
)

Forrest Taft (Seagal) is an oil company employee who, after a violent near-death experience and a shamanistic spiritual reawakening, decides to kick ass and blow crap up to guard the rights of Alaskan Eskimos and the purity of Mother Nature.

Why It Sucks

There's an interesting story buried somewhere beneath the badly written dialogue, illogical plot developments, and attempt at delivering an environmental message while fighting an evil oil company through blowing stuff to pieces.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Director Award goes to …
Steven Seagal for using the indigenous population of Alaska as his jumping off point, but not casting a Native American in the role of Masu, the Sexy and Wise Nature Girl.

And the Special Achievement Award for Multiculturalism goes to …
Screenwriters Ed Horowitz and Robin U. Russin and director/coproducer Steven Seagal for their cartoonish presentation of Alaskan Native culture. Homer Simpson's “vision quests” have been more respectful of Native Americans.

They Really Said It!

Michael Jennings
: Is this the slope bitch you've been banging?

Forrest Taft
: No, not her.

Betcha Didn't Know

Warner Bros. agreed to let Steven Seagal direct this film if he would star in
Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
.