150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (18 page)

Answer: C. Freddy Krueger didn't wear a mask, and after he became a dream-haunting spirit, he didn't need one.

PRODUCERS
Ami Artzi and Jeffrey Konvitz

WRITERS
Jeffrey Konvitz, Ira Teller, and Theodore Gershuny

DIRECTOR
Theodore Gershuny

STARS
Mary Woronov (
Diane Adams
), James Patterson (
Jeffrey Butler
), Patrick O'Neal (
John Carter
), Walter Abel (
Mayor Adams
), Astrid Heeren (
Ingrid
), and John Carradine (
Charlie Towman
)

When Jeffrey (Patterson) tries to sell the mansion he inherited from his grandfather, a past believed to be dead and buried returns to haunt the living with a bloody vengeance.

Why It Sucks

Silent Night, Bloody Night
manages to disappoint on every level. First off, it's not really Christmas themed. Second, it's not even a slasher flick, despite what some marketers try to make it out to be. Then there's the fact the movie is told in flashback, so we already know that the main character survives.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Special Worst Plot Convenience Recognition Award goes to …
Jeffrey Konvitz, Ira Teller, and Theodore Gershuny for the scene where Jeffrey borrows his attorney's car for no reason other than the plot needed it away from the house.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Theodore Gershuny for starting the film with a scene that sets the rest of it up as a flashback and thus undermines a great deal of the suspense.

They Really Said It!

Jeffrey Butler
: His hands. Someone cut off his hands.

Betcha Didn't Know

No distributor would take on this movie until Lloyd Kaufman of Troma Films picked it up.

The film's working title was
Zora
, although no one in the film is named that and the word is not used throughout the movie.

Trivia Quiz

What Christmas classic was a failure at the box office when it was first released?

A:
It's A Wonderful Life
(1946)

B:
A Christmas Story
(1983)

C:
Christmas in Connecticut
(1945)

D:
White Christmas
(1954)

Answer: A.
It's a Wonderful Life
cost $3.7 million to make (an astronomical figure for movies in the 1940s) but took in only $3.3 million at the box office.

You were once young and you were once inexperienced. Most of us see time wipe away our youthful endeavors, leaving the works we produce later in life, when we've figured out what to do and how to do it. But actors' and directors' early efforts remain, fixed in place and available for all to see on DVDs available on the bargain shelf.

PRODUCER
Peter Jackson

WRITER
Peter Jackson

DIRECTOR
Peter Jackson

STARS
Peter Jackson (
Derek/Robert
), Terry Potter (
Ozzy
), Pete O'Herne (
Barry
), Craig Smith (
Giles
), Mike Minett (
Frank
), Doug Wren (
Lord
Crumb
), and Peter Vere-Jones (
Lord Crumb's Voice
)

An alien fast-food conglomerate wants to turn humanity into the latest novelty item on their menu … and only a team of half-witted government agents can save us!

Why It Sucks

Bad Taste
is the perfect title for this film. This may not be the goriest movie ever made, but it is certainly one of the most disgusting.

You'll find yourself alternatively laughing at some repulsive slapstick violence (two aliens are dismembered and have their heads crushed while trying to kill one of our heroes with sledge-hammers) and squirming at some pure gross-out scenes (a character puts a bit of stray brain matter back inside his cracked-open skull), but you'll never be bored.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Script Award goes to …
Peter Jackson, who at this point in his career had a tin ear for dialogue.

And the Before There Was South Park Award goes to …
Peter Jackson for cramming more sophomoric gross-outs into a movie than any sane person can imagine.

They Really Said It!

Barry:
We're a government department, not a paramilitary unit.

Derek:
Yeah, the Astro Investigation and Defense Service!

Ozzy:
Wish we'd change the name.

Betcha Didn't Know

Peter Jackson shot this, his first directorial effort, over a four-year period, filming scenes whenever time and money was available.

Doug Wren, the actor who played Lord Crumb, died during production, which is why another actor provided the character's voice.

Trivia Quiz

Bad Taste
takes place on October 31. What is remarkable about that day?

A: It's the day famous British explorer Jack Harkness landed in New Zealand.

B: It's Peter Jackson's birthday.

C: It's Black Sheep Day, a New Zealand holiday.

D: It's a joke; October only has thirty days.

Answer: B. Peter Jackson was born October 31, 1961, on New Zealand's North Island in the small town of Pukerua Bay.

PRODUCER
Julian Roffman

WRITERS
Ben Kerner and Elwood Ullman (script), Anne Howard Bailey (story)

DIRECTOR
Julian Roffman

STARS
Peter Falk (
Nico
), Jack Betts (
Cliff
), Barbara Lord (
Ellie
), Robert Christie (
Detective McLeod
), and Ron Hartmann (
Francis
)

A drug-dealing small-time hood (Falk), enamored with the beatnik lifestyle and nihilism, murders a messenger boy as a piece of performance art. However, he didn't count on the boy's brother (Betts), who begins an investigation.

Why It Sucks

It's
so
close to being a decent film. It tries to show balance in regards to the beatniks and their subculture. Further, we've got Peter Falk in his first starring role and his prerumpled overcoat days actually managing to mumble his way into a fairly decent portrayal as a bad guy. How dare they hide a halfway decent film behind a title like that?!
Sooo
close!

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Actor Award goes to …
Jack Betts for taking a pure-hearted hero who was already scripted as bland and turning him into something that looks as if he's on loan from
Attack of the
Zombies
.

And the Dustbin of History Special Achievement Award goes to
…
Producer/Director Julian Roffman for making a film that gives modern audiences a chance to experience beatniks as they were. The fifty years that has gone by makes beatniks look even goofier than they did in the 1950s. (Hands up anyone who remembers the character Maynard G. Krebs from
The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis
.)

They Really Said It!

Nico
: First they spend millions developing toothpaste to stop cavities, then they spend billions on bigger and better ways to blow us all to bits.

Betcha Didn't Know

These were the first starring film roles for Peter Falk and Barbara Lord, both of whom had appeared in supporting parts on television programs previously.

The coining of the term “beatnik” has been attributed to two different individuals. Some sources say it was first used by
San Francisco Chronicle
columnist Herb Caen in April of 1958, while others attribute it to film producer Sam Katzman, around the same time.

Trivia Quiz

What star of
The Bloody Brood
is a parent of comedian and voice actor Patrick Warburton?

A: Peter Falk

B: Barbara Lord

C: Ron Hartmann

D: Jack Betts