150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (7 page)

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Actress Award goes to …
Penélope Cruz for being about as annoying and shrewish as possible. She even makes you forget how gorgeous she is.

And the Take the Money and Run Award goes to …
Author Clive Cussler, who, after selling the rights to adapt his characters to film, immediately badmouthed
Sahara
. Dude, it's Hollywood. What did you think they were going to do with it?

They Really Said It!

General Kazim
: Don't worry. It's Africa. Nobody cares about Africa.

Betcha Didn't Know

Sahara
reportedly cost $160 million to make but only made some $70 million during its theatrical run.

Clive Cussler was paid $10 million for the rights to adapt the movie.

Trivia Quiz

What other movie based on a Clive Cussler novel detailed the adventures of Dirk Pitt and his associates?

A:
Dirk Pitt and Blackbeard's Treasure
(1994)

B:
Raise the Titanic
(1980)

C:
Hell and High Water
(1954)

D:
The Deep
(1977)

Answer: B.
Raise the Titanic
(1980). While Clive Cussler's novels may have been bestsellers, the films based upon them have been financial disasters. ITC spent $36 million to make the film but it only made some $14 million between theatrical screenings and home video rentals.

PRODUCERS
Michael Burns, Bill Lischak, Steven Maier, and Benjamin Melniker (executive producers), Deborah Del Prete, Gigi Pritzker, and Michael E. Uslan (producers)

WRITERS
Frank Miller (script) and Will Eisner (characters, original comic book series)

DIRECTOR
Frank Miller

STARS
Gabriel Macht (
The Spirit/Denny Colt
), Samuel L. Jackson (
The
Octopus
), Eva Mendes (
Sand Saref
), Scarlett Johannson (
Dr. Silken Floss
), Louis Lombardi (
Pathos/Ethos/Logos
), Dan Lauria (
Commisioner Dolan
), Stana Katic (
Officer Morgenstern
), and Paz Vega (
Plaster of Paris
)

The mysterious protector of Central City, the Spirit (Macht) squares off against the villainous Octopus (Jackson) over the secret behind the Spirit's powers and the key to world domination. But will triumph mean defeat for the Spirit? Has his long-lost childhood sweetheart, Sand Saref (Mendes), really joined forces with the Octopus?

Why It Sucks

Frank Miller claims to be a huge fan of comic book genius Will Eisner. Why then did he choose to write an adaptation of Eisner's signature creation that gutted it of its signature charm? Miller's convinced he can improve on a masterpiece by tearing it apart and rebuilding it in his own image.
The Spirit
is an empty shell of a movie that rehashes, poorly, the visual approach and writing style of Miller's
Sin City
.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Script Award goes to …
Frank Miller for combining three of Eisner's best and most complex characters — master criminal Sand Saref, black widow con-artist P'Gell, and international jewel thief Silk Satin — into one single, beautiful dame in a skimpy dress.

And the Worst Actor Award goes to …
Samuel L. Jackson for his portrayal of the Octopus. Over the top is putting it mildly. He makes Jack Nicholson's Joker look like a model of restraint.

They Really Said It!

The Octopus
: Free-range chickens with their big brown ugly-ass eggs. They piss me off. Every time I think about those big brown eggs they piss. Me. Off.

Betcha Didn't Know

The Spirit
was the lead feature in a weekly comic book supplement produced by Eisner's art studio between 1940 and 1952.

The film made roughly $20 million during its U.S. theatrical run, but it had an estimated production cost of $35 million.

Trivia Quiz

In
The Spirit
movie, Ellen Dolan is a physician. What does she do in the comic book series?

A: Dilettante and later mayor of Central City

B: Headmistress at a private school for girls

C: Dilettante and later a secret agent for the United States government

D: Accountant for the IRS

Answer: A. Dilettante and later mayor of Central City. For the first years of the series, Ellen Dolan tried a range of careers, including private investigator. At the end of an extended story arc, she became mayor.

The term “classic” implies a movie will transcend the moment of its creation and still hold appeal years after its creation. Marketers and reviewers, especially in the entertainment business, tend to use — and overuse — the oxymoronic phrase “instant classic.” It is to them that I dedicate this chapter.

PRODUCERS
Jack Dietz and Sam Katzman

WRITERS
Harvey Gates (screenplay), Robert Kehoe (story)

DIRECTOR
William Nigh

STARS
Bela Lugosi (
Dr. Melcher/Colomb
), Clayton Moore (
Dick Martin
), Joan Barclay (
Alice Saunders
), George Pembroke (
Dr. William Saunders
), and Irving Mitchell (
John Van Dyke
)

As America gears up to fight the Japanese during World War II, a group of wealthy Fifth Columnists finalize their plans to sabotage the war effort from the top down. However, they share a secret far deeper and more sinister. Why is the mysterious Mr. Colomb (Lugosi) murdering them, one by one? Is Colomb an American patriot, or is he a threat more sinister than even the enemy agents?

Why It Sucks

Back in the 1940s, Hollywood was cranking out war propaganda, and some of it was actually pretty good filmmaking.
Black Dragons
, sadly, isn't. A sloppy, badly constructed script manages to snuff out every spark that could have set this movie on fire. The ideas the filmmakers had aren't too bad; but evidently William Nigh was so worried about enemy sabotage that he forgot how to direct a movie.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Script Award goes to …
Harvey Gates for a script in which Bela Lugosi's character can apparently vanish into thin air when at risk of discovery and capture.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
William Nigh for letting Lugosi chew up the scenery and not even giving him a decent supporting cast.

They Really Said It!

Amos Hanlin:
“A busy man has very little time to engage in feminine emotions.”

Betcha Didn't Know

The Black Dragon Society was a real-world, ultranationalist Japanese organization founded in 1901. From the 1920s to the 1940s, it assisted the Japanese Imperial Army in espionage, psychological warfare campaigns, and in the distribution of propaganda materials. It operated its own spy school and dispatched espionage agents throughout the world. (Unlike this movie, however, there is no record of the society using plastic surgery to transform short Japanese men into tall Caucasian men.)

Trivia Quiz

What was the first movie in which William Nigh directed Bela Lugosi?

A:
The Ghost and the Guest

B:
Mystery Liner

C:
Monte Carlo Nights

D:
The Mysterious Mr. Wong

Answer: D.
The Mysterious Mr. Wong (1934)
. Bela Lugosi stars as Mr. Wong, a Chinese crime lord seeking ultimate power through the mystical Twelve Coins of Confucius, and only a wisecracking reporter (Wallace Ford) can stop him..

PRODUCER
William Alland

WRITERS
Harry Essex and Arthur A. Ross (script), Maurice Zimm (story)

DIRECTOR
Jack Arnold

STARS
Richard Carlson (
Dr. David Reed
), Julie Adams (
Kay Lawrence
), Antonio Moreno (
Carl Maia
), Richard Denning (
Dr. Mark Williams
), and Nestor Paiva (
Capt. Lucas
)

A group of scientists travel into the Amazon jungle to retrieve an unusual fossil, but instead they find themselves battling a very-much-alive amphibious humanoid.

Why It Sucks

Sometimes a movie's so bad you root for the monster. If the socalled scientists in this movie behaved a little more like, oh, I don't know,
scientists
instead of 1920s big-game hunters, they might learn the creature's intelligent. More intelligent than them, anyway, though that's not saying much. I mean, look at it from the creature's point of view: Wouldn't you be angry with interlopers who keep shooting sharp sticks and shining blinding lights at you? Someone needed to ask, “What would Margaret Mead do?”

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Ugly American Award goes to …
The main human characters for being unsympathetic, stupid, or both.

And the Worst Picture Award goes to …
Producer William Alland for a film that was creepy and politically incorrect even in 1954.

They Really Said It!

Lucas
: I can tell you something about this place. The boys around here call it “The Black Lagoon”; a paradise. Only they say nobody has ever come back to prove it

Betcha Didn't Know

This was the first 3D feature produced by Universal Studios. It was made in attempt to replicate the financial success that Warner Bros. enjoyed with its 1953 3D film
House of Wax.

The Creature (or “Gill Man”) is considered by many critics to be the last of the great monsters created at Universal Pictures, although some might argue that the Graboids from the
Tremors
series have taken that title. The latter were also featured in two fairly decent movies, two semi-watchable ones, and a television series of dubious quality. The Creature was only in one watchable film and a couple awful sequels.

Trivia Quiz

In what country is the Black Lagoon located?

A: Brazil

B: Mexico

C: Paraguay

D: Argentina

Answer: A. Brazil, along the Amazon River. Despite this, in one of the first scenes there is a large sign reading in Spanish “Instituto de Investigaciones BiolÖgicas.” The official language in Brazil is Portuguese.

PRODUCER
Irving G. Thalberg

WRITERS
Irene Kuhn, Edgar Allan Woolf, and John Willard (script), Sax Rohmer (story)

DIRECTORS
Charles Brabin and Charles Vidor

STARS
Boris Karloff (
Fu Manchu
), Myrna Loy (
Fah Lo See
), Lewis Stone (
Sir Denis Nayland Smith
), Charles Starrett (
Terrence Granville
), Jean Hersholt (
Von Berg
), and Karen Morley (
Sheila Barton
)