150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (4 page)

Answer: C. Pickled Punks. In the 1960s, laws finally caught up with the unsavory practices of sideshow carnies, and exhibitors of the fetuses were driven out of business.

PRODUCERS
David Hills and Brenda Norris

WRITERS
Rosella Drudi and Drake Floyd

DIRECTOR
Drake Floyd

STARS
Michael Stephenson (
Josh
), Robert Ormsby (
Grandpa Seth
), George Hardy (
Michae
l), Connie MacFarland (
Holly
), Margo Prey (Diana), Deborah Reed (
Creedence Leonore Gielgud
), Jason Wright (
Elliot
), and Darren Ewing (
Arnold
)

Little Josh (Stephenson) and the ghost of his dead grandpa (Ormsby) are the only two who know the hideous secret of the tiny town where Josh's family is spending their vacation. Can Josh convince the adults (Hardy and Prey) and his older sister (Mac-Farland) of the truth before they become goblin chow?

Why It Sucks

This flick displays every shade of bad you can think of. The pacing is erratic and always off, racing through parts that could have used a little more time (like the final fight against the goblins) and dragging through parts that should have been quick (like shopping trips). Parts that were supposed to be scary are hilarious (the flesh-eating goblins are vegetarians), and the parts that were supposed to be funny or dramatic are just strange. Oh, and the “clever” parts are just stupid. (Nilbog, the town where the family is vacationing, is “goblin” spelled backward!)

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Picture Award goes to …
David Hills and Brenda Norris for producing and Rosella Drudi and Drake Floyd for writing and directing a movie titled
Troll 2
that features no trolls. Not one. Not even one of those spikey-haired Norwegian dolls.

And the Most Shocking Misuse of Magical Time Distortion Award
goes to …
Little Josh (played by Michael Stephenson). When his magical undead grandpa manages to stop time for a few seconds, Josh pees on the poisoned food the goblins are using to turn humans into vegetables, thus stopping his family from eating it. Yuck!!!!

They Really Said It!

Holly
: If my father discovers you here, he'll cut off your little nuts and eat them.

Betcha Didn't Know

Morgan, Utah, the town that served as Nilbog in the film, played host to a festival in June of 2008 that celebrated
Troll 2
.

David Hills is one of the seventy (verified) pseudonyms for the late, multitalented Italian writer/director/producer/composer cinematographer/pornographer Joe D'Amato. (Joe D'Amato is itself a pseudonym, as he was born Arestide Massaccesi.)

Trivia Quiz

How do the flesh-eating goblins in
Troll 2
manage to keep true to their vegetarian diets?

A: They eat tofu, the substance that alchemists sought after for centuries, because it can be transformed into any conceivable food item.

B: Fish, and lots of it.

C: They eat fillet of soul.

D: They turn people into plants then reduce them to a Cream of Wheat — like substance.

Answer: D. They turn people into plants, then reduce them to a Cream of Wheat — like substance. And no, it still doesn't make sense after you've seen the movie.

Sometimes, even the best idea doesn't click with the audience. Sometimes, a film was just too expensive and the investment couldn't be recovered. And then there are films that fail because they deserve to.

PRODUCERS
Rudy Cohen, Moshe Diamant, Avi Lerner, and Art Linson

WRITERS
Josh Friedman (script), James Ellroy (novel)

DIRECTOR
Brian De Palma

STARS
Josh Hartnett (
Bucky Bleichert
), Aaron Eckhart (
Lee Blanchard
), Scarlett Johansson (
Kay Lake
), Mia Kirshner (
Elizabeth Short
), and Hilary Swank (
Madeleine Linscott
)

A publicity-hungry police detective (Eckhart) arranges to have himself and his younger partner (Hartnett) assigned to the grisly murder of a would-be actress (Kirshner). As one detective starts to mysteriously come unglued, the other uncovers not only dark secrets relating to the dead actress, but to his partner as well.

Why It Sucks

Does it seem weird that the Black Dahlia murder, one of the most well-known scandals in Hollywood history
and the title of the freakin' film
is relegated to a minor tangent in this movie? The story moves randomly from plot to subplot, while director De Palma swings widely between cinematic tones and styles, from film noir to documentary. Not a single shot in the film lasts more than ten seconds, and all the quick edits and jumps accomplish nothing other than to provide insight into what it must be like to suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Actor Award goes to …
Josh Hartnett for the role of Bucky Bleichert. The character's such a weepy crybaby that you feel embarrassed for him.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Brian De Palma for having such inability to command a proper tone that he can't even make footage from a supposed screen test of Elizabeth Short believable.

They Really Said It!

Bucky Bleichert
: The basic rules of homicide applied: Nothing stays buried forever. Corpses. Ghosts. Nothing stays buried forever. Nothing.

Betcha Didn't Know

The film had an estimated budget of $50 million, but it only grossed around $23 million during its American theatrical run.

Brian De Palma also directed the 2007 flop
Redacted
. It cost $5 million to make, but barely made $64,000 during its theatrical run in the United States.

Trivia Quiz

What celebrity did Los Angeles authorities investigate as a suspect in the murder of Elizabeth Short?

A: Orson Welles

B: Alfred Hitchcock

C: Woody Guthrie

D: Boris Karloff

Answer: C. Woody Guthrie. The folk singer was, according to the Los Angeles district attorney's files on the case, briefly a suspect due to sexually explicit letters he sent to a woman in Northern California.

PRODUCERS
Dick Powell and Howard Hughes

WRITER
Oscar Millard

DIRECTOR
Dick Powell

STARS
John Wayne (
Temujin, Genghis Khan
), Susan Hayward (
Bortai
), Agnes Moorhead (
Hunlun
), Pedro Armendáriz
(Jamuga
), and Ted de Corsia (
Kumlek
)

Mongolian warlord Temujin (Wayne) must do battle against the rival tribe that killed his father, fight with the red-haired Tartar prisoner Bortai (Hayward) whom he captured in a raid and has vowed to make his wife, and deal with intrigues in his inner circle. Enemies of every type stand arrayed against him as he fights his way to a place in history as the legendary Genghis Khan.

Why It Sucks

Few bad movies look as good as
The Conqueror
. It's got great costumes, brilliant colors, and the tale of a great warlord. But sometimes it takes only one thing to turn a film from a triumph to a turkey, and someone in central casting who must have been drunk, high, or both, decided to star John Wayne as Genghis Khan. That's right.
John Wayne
! Few movies have such a dramatic mix of the spectacular with the absolutely atrocious as this one.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Acting Award goes to …
John Wayne as Temujin. No contest. Not even a question. What were they thinking?

And the Worst Picture Award goes to …
Howard Hughes and Dick Powell for making a movie about a cool subject, and researching Genghis Khan about as badly as one of those Italian Hercules films — at ten times the cost.

They Really Said It!

(To get the full effect, close your eyes and imagine John Wayne saying it.)
Temujin
: While I live, while my blood burns hot, your daughter is not safe in her tent.

Betcha Didn't Know

The movie was shot downwind from where the United States conducted above-ground atomic weapons tests. Rumor has it the cast and crew developed cancer at three times higher than the average among the general population.

Financier Howard Hughes felt so guilty about the cast and crew being exposed to radioactivity that he reportedly spent $12 million to acquire every existing print of the film.

Trivia Quiz

What famous movie detective did John Wayne turn down the opportunity to play?

A: Bulldog Drummond

B: Sam Spade

C: Nero Wolfe

D: “Dirty” Harry Callahan

Answer: D. “Dirty” Harry Callahan. Wayne was offered but turned down the role of hard-bitten Inspector Harry Callahan, which eventually became one of Clint Eastwood's signature roles.

PRODUCERS
Denis O'Dell, Charles Okun, Wayne Reynolds (executive producers), Joann Carelli (producer)

WRITER
Michael Cimino

DIRECTOR
Michael Cimino

STARS
Kris Kristofferson (
James Averill
), Isabelle Huppert (
Ella Watson
), Christopher Walken (
Nathan D. Champion
), Jeff Bridges (
John Bridges
), and Sam Waterston (
Frank Canton
)