150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (9 page)

The Crappies

The Worst Actor Award goes to …
Lyle Talbot for being a scientist so unconvincing you'd be nervous about trusting him to turn on the overhead light in the laboratory.

And the Special Award for a Vision of the Future goes to …
Harold Buchman, Lee Loeb, Sherman Lowe, Al Martin, and Del Lord for having the perspicacity to show a flat-screen TV sixty-five years before they were actually available to the public.

They Really Said It!

Rocky
: Ain't that marvelous? Did I ever tell you that science wuz my hobby?

Betcha Didn't Know

Bela Lugosi also starred in a television-themed thriller in 1936. Titled
Death by Television
, the plot revolves around an inventor who dies under mysterious circumstances while demonstrating his new television broadcast method. One of Lugosi's more obscure films, it survives only in mangled and damaged prints.

Mary Astor started her show business career after her father pushed her into signing up for a beauty pagent. She went on to appear in many successful films, such as
The Maltese Falcon
and her Oscar-winning performance in
The Great Lie
.

Trivia Quiz

In what movies did Mary A stor appear alongside celebrated leading man William Powell?

A:
The Bright Shawl
(1923) and
The Kennel Murder Case
(1933)

B:
Map of the World
(1931) and
The Maltese Falcon
(1941)

C:
The Girl Who Had Everything
(1953) and
Grumpy Old Men
(1993)

D:
The Thin Man
(1934) and
Blonde Fever
(1944)

Answer: A.

The Bright Shawl
(1923) and
The Kennel Murder Case
(1933).
The Bright Shawl
involved gun-runningin Cuba. In
The Kennel Murder Case
, Powell appears as private detective Philo Vance and Astoris as uspect in a baffling locked-room murder mystery.

PRODUCERS
Sid Rogell (executive producer) and Benjamin Stoloff (producer)

WRITERS
Lawrence Kimble (script), Robert Faber and Charles Newman (story)

DIRECTOR
Gordon Douglas

STARS
Wally Brown (
Jerry Miles
), Alan Carney (
Mike Streger
), Sheldon Leonard (
Ace Miller
), Bela Lugosi (
Dr. Paul Renault
), Anne Jeffreys (
Jean LeDance
), and Darby Jones (
Kolaga, the zombie
)

A pair of bumbling promoters (Brown and Carney) travel to the voodoo-haunted San Sebastian Island to find a real zombie for the opening night of a racketeer's new night club, the Zombie Hut.

Why It Sucks

Maybe the 1940s, with Fascism, the atomic bomb, and everything, just wasn't a good decade for comedy. In the years since it was made,
Zombies on Broadway
has had all its punch zapped out of it as if it had been attacked by, well, zombies. It was intended as a spoof of
I Walked with a Zombie
, a film practically no one remembers. Then there's the awful job the film's makeup artists did on the poor schmoe who plays the zombie. Incidentally, he's a zombie of the non — flesh-eating variety. They were standard before George Romero made
Night of the Living Dead
.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Acting Award goes to …
Wally Brown and Alan Carney for performances that will make viewers wonder why they aren't watching the real Abbott and Costello instead of a studio-manufactured knockoff.

And the Worst Script Award goes to …
Lawrence Kimble for writing a film so tightly connected with then-contemporary pop culture references that it is an antique
Disaster Movie.

They Really Said It!
Jerry
: How will we know a zombie if we see one?

Jean
: If you see a corpse walking around — that's a zombie.

Betcha Didn't Know

Actor Darby Jones and calypso singer Sir Lancelot play identical roles in this film and
I Walked with a Zombie
.

This is one of three movies where Bela Lugosi got to show his talent for comedic acting.

Trivia Quiz

In what series of zombie movies are zombies created via a scientifically developed chemical?

A:
Night of the Living Dead

B:
Return of the Living Dead

C:
White Zombie

D:
Dead Alive

Answer: B.
Return of the Living Dead
. The chemical Tri-Oxin turns people into unstoppable killing machines that crave the taste of human brains.

When you're mad or unhappy with your relatives and/or family situation, you might find solace in watching the films talked about in this chapter. They will remind you that no matter how strange your family is, there's always one that's worse.

PRODUCERS
David Newlon (executive producer), Zane W. Levitt, Steve White, and Mark Yellen (producers)

WRITER
Joshua Michael Stern

DIRECTOR
Steve White

STARS
Robin Thomas (
Bill Martin
), Starr Andreeff (
Claire Martin
), Allen Cutler (
Todd Martin
), Rachel Duncan (
Jessica Martin
), Jarrett Lennon (
Jimmy Martin
), Franc Ross (
Tobias
), and Lisa Robin Kelly (
Dana
)

Somewhere in the American southwest, a family moves into a newly constructed home. An old shack was left standing on the property, and within is found a dollhouse — an evil, haunted dollhouse built in the image of the infamous Amityville House. The youngest child starts playing with the dollhouse …

Why It Sucks

Don't bother asking why someone built a dollhouse replica of a place on Long Island. And don't ask how it ended up in a shack in the desert, or how it became filled with
eeeeevil
— the writer and director barely gave any thought to the subjects. The film's story is rendered even less scary by the fact that no one seems particularly distressed by the weird developments … at least not until the home's fireplace becomes a gateway to Hell.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Script Award goes to …
Joshua Michael Stern for writing in the monumental fact that family friend Tobias just happens to be a demon hunter in his spare time.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Steve White for a horror movie so illogical that the audience keeps looking around to make sure it hasn't fallen down a rabbit hole.

They Really Said It!

Kelly
: For some reason, I feel right at home in this house.

Betcha Didn't Know

This direct-to-video movie was the seventh and final sequel to
The Amityville Horror
(1979), and the fourth to feature a cursed object that was somehow tenuously connected to the haunted house in the original film. (The mysterious dollhouse in this film was certainly the weirdest exploration of this idea.)

Director Steve White was a producer on three of the previous Amityville Horror sequels,
Amityville: The Evil Escapes
(1989),
Amityville 1992
(1992), and
Amityville: A New Generation
(1993).

Trivia Quiz

In another of the sequels to
The Amityville Horror
, what ordinary object was cursed?

A: A lamp

B: A door

C: A couch

D: A water heater

Answer: A. A lamp. No, really.
In Amityville: The Evil Escapes
, nasty spirits hitch a ride in a lamp that is moved from the original Amityville house to a home on the West Coast. Spooky things ensue.

PRODUCERS
Jack Dietz and Sam Katzman

WRITERS
Harvey Gates (script), Sam Robins and Gerald Schnitzer (story)

DIRECTOR
Wallace Fox

STARS
Luana Walters (
Patricia Hunter
), Bela Lugosi (
Prof. Lorenz
), Angelo Rossitto (
Toby
), and Elizabeth Russell (
Countess Lorenz
)

Certifiable madman and scientific genius Professor Lorenz (Lugosi) places beautiful, virgin brides into deathlike states at the altar and drains fluids from them to keep his wife (Russell) looking youthful. But when society columnist and wanna-be hardnosed reporter Patricia Hunter (Walters) pays him a visit at his isolated home, the professor's fountain of youth is threatened….

Why It Sucks

Talk about your crazy houses.
The Corpse Vanishes
might be just a standard mad-scientist-versus-plucky-girl-reporter light-weight horror movie … except for the bizarre group of characters that make up Lorenz's household. From Lorenz's wife (who sleeps in a coffin for no apparent reason) to the housekeeper (a doom-saying withered old hag), her bestial son (who likes fondling the comatose brides Lorenz brings home), to her midget son (who serves as valet, butler, and Lorenz's chief henchman), to Lorenz himself, this is the weirdest group this side of those freakish hillbillies from
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Actress Award goes to …
Luana Walters for playing Patricia Hunter, Plucky Girl Reporter, with near complete blandness.
And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Wallace Fox for creating a bizarre tone to the film and then failing to keep it up.

They Really Said It!

Patricia Hunter
: Oh, professor, do you also make a habit of collecting coffins?

Professor Lorenz
: Why, yes, in a manner of speaking. I find a coffin much more comfortable than a bed.

Betcha Didn't Know

Angelo Rossitto, the actor who portrayed Dr. Lorenz's freaky midget assistant, had a successful career that spanned sixty years. Along the way, he costarred with Bela Lugosi in three horror films and one comedy.

Whenever Bela Lugosi appeared as a married man in a film, he, his wife, or both were invariably insane or murderous.

Trivia Quiz

According to legend, what historical figure retained her youth by bathing in the blood of virgins?

A: Countess Elizabeth Báthory

B: Countess Carmilla Karnstein

C: Queen Elizabeth I of England

D: Queen Cleopatra of Egypt

Answer: A. Elizabeth Báthory was found guilty of killing eighty young girls and was bricked into a room in her castle in 1611 ce. There is no evidence that she actually bathed in blood in an attempt to maintain her youth.