150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (11 page)

Answer: D. Christopher Lee appeared as the Creature in
The Curse of Frankenstein
(1957) but never as the doctor.

Gorehounds, this chapter is for you. Everyone else might use it as a guide to what movies you want to put the kibosh on at the rental store. More than half of these movies are made by Italians. I don't know if it has something to do with the color of spaghetti sauce. (The Japanese have been trying to steal away that honor in the past ten to fifteen years, but they still have a long way to go.)

PRODUCERS
Franco Di Nunzio and Franco Palaggi

WRITER
Gianfranco Clerici

DIRECTOR
Ruggero Deodato

STARS
Robert Kerman (
Harold Monroe
), Francesca Ciardi (
Faye Daniels
), Carl Gabriel Yorke (
Alan Yates
), Perry Pirkanen (
Jack Anders
), and Luca Giorgio Barbareschi (
Mark Tomaso
)

Professor Harold Monroe (Kerman) agrees to lead a search-and-rescue party into the Amazon jungle to determine the fate of a missing documentary crew. When he recovers their footage what he discovers is beyond imagination.

Why It Sucks

This sort of thing makes “torture porn” films like
Saw
seem like Cannes Film Festival winners. This film about vicious European/ American explorers being massacred in hideous ways is probably the best of the worst, but that still means it's damn disgusting — more so by the filmmakers' attempts at realism.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The “I Didn't Mean That” Award goes to …
Writer Gianfranco Clerici and director Ruggero Deodato for accidentially creating a fillm that can be interpreted as a condemnation of Mondo documentarians and their habit of staging events to make their films more interesting.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Ruggero Deodato for actually having live animals tortured to death on camera, just to make a crappy horror movie.

They Really Said It!

Harold Monroe
: I've seen the rest of the material. You haven't. You haven't seen the stuff that even your own editors didn't have the stomach to put together, and if you had, you wouldn't hesitate but to agree with me.

Betcha Didn't Know

The film is so realistic that Italian authorities arrested director Ruggero Deodato shortly after its release and put him on trial for murder.

The film was rated X for violence when it was first released, and it remains banned in several countries.

Trivia Quiz

What recent gore-fest movie did Ruggero Deodato have a cameo appearance in?

A:
Final Destination
(2000)

B:
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(2003 remake)

C:
Saw III
(2006)

D:
Hostel: Part II
(2007)

Answer: D.
Hostel: Part II
. Ruggero Deodato plays a patron of the cannibal hostel and is seen chewing on a leg.

PRODUCERS
Conchita Airoldi (executive producer), Heinz Bibo, Tilde Corsi, Giovanni Romoli, and Michele Soavi (producers)

WRITERS
Gianni Romoli (script), Tiziano Sclavi (original novel)

DIRECTOR
Michele Soavi

STARS
Rupert Everett (
Francesco Dellamorte
), Anna Falchi (
She
), François Hadji-Lazaro (
Gnahgi
), Mickey Knox (
Marshall Straniero
), Fabiana Formica (
Valentina Scanarotti
), and Katja Anton (
Claudio's girlfriend
)

Francesco Dellamorte (Everett), caretaker of a small-town cemetery, spends the days burying the deceased, and his nights fighting them when they rise as flesh-eating zombies. But when he and his assistant (Hadji-Lazaro) meet the loves of their lives (Falchi and Formica, respectively), only to see them turned into undead residents of the cemetery, things really start to get bad.

Why It Sucks

Cemetery Man
could have been a nice little surreal horror comedy. (What says comedy like flesh-eating zombies?) But it far too often
draaaaaaags
, as the director plays with interesting visuals and struggles to capture the feel of the Tiziano Sclavi story on which it's based. For all the great imagery, gore, violence, nudity, and bizarre sex, the film turns out to be … boring.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Writer Award goes to …
Screen writer Gianni Romoli and novelist Tiziano Sclavi in a shared effort for coming up with an ending so nonsensical that even the most generous-minded viewer will be left feeling cheated.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Michele Soavi for getting so wrapped up playing with the camera that he forgot to keep the story moving. We're torn between wondering if there ever will be another crazy zombie attack and looking at Anna Falchi's naked body.

They Really Said It!

Francesco Dellamorte
: You're supposed to be setting a good example. Now, will you get back in your coffin immediately!

Betcha Didn't Know

The appearance of Rupert Everett's character, Dellamorte, purposefully echoes the look of Dylan Dog, a character in a popular Italian comic book series. That series was created by Tiziano Sclavi, the author of the novel
Cemetery Man
was based on.

Despite the alternate title
Demons '95
, this film has nothing to do with with the 1984 gore fest
Demons
, which is covered later in this chapter.

Trivia Quiz

What literary character has Rupert Everett
not
portrayed onscreen?

A: Sherlock Holmes

B: Oberon

C: Solomon Kane

D: Lancelot

Answer: C. Solomon Kane. Everett played Lancelot in the 1985 made-for-television movie
Arthur the King
; Oberon in a 1999 version of
A Midsummer Night's Dream;
and Sherlock Holmes in the 2004 television movie
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Silk Stocking.

PRODUCER
Jim Booth

WRITERS
Stephen Sinclair, Frances Walsh, and Peter Jackson (script), Stephen Sinclair (story)

DIRECTOR
Peter Jackson

STARS
Timothy Balme (
Lionel Cosgrove
), Diana Peñalver (
Paquita Maria
Sanchez
), Elizabeth Moody (
Mum
), and Ian Watkin (
Uncle Les
)

Lionel (Balme) is a gentle, kindhearted young man who is suffering under the thumb of an abusive, evil mother (Moody). When he falls in love with Paquita (Peñalver), a young gypsy girl who works in the local town market, it looks like things might get better for him. But then his mom is bitten by a Sumatran rat monkey … and it all goes to hell from there.

Why It Sucks

Peter Jackson, who later found something else to do with his time (like the J. R. R. Tolkien movies), loves this sort of thing. The film brims with cartoony gore and craziness that's rarely been equaled in any medium. But Jackson can't stop himself from introducing character after character after character, dragging down the movie.