150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (16 page)

The Crappies

The Special Award for Exceptional Achievement in Operating Nanny States goes to …
England, Germany, and Alexandre Michaud's homeland of Canada for banning this film when Michaud starting selling the original cut of the film through mail-order catalogs in 1999.

And the Worst Auteur Award goes to …
Coproducer/Cowriter/ Director Alexandre Michaud for failing to recognize that this movie should not end in midaction with the fate of the final surviving protagonist and the villains completely unknown.

They Really Said It!

Zack
: My name is Oblivion.

Betcha Didn't Know

Although filmed in 1997, the movie took Michaud two years to edit, working in his spare time. The original version wasn't released until 1999.

According to Michaud, the 2007 release of the film is ten minutes shorter than the original cut. However, if it's any comfort to gore freaks, no blood was left on the cutting-room floor.

Trivia Quiz

Which of these movie madmen is a cannibal?

A: Harvey Dent

B: Hannibal Lecter

C: Richard Vollin

D: Michael Myers

Answer: B. Hannibal Lecter, featured in
Manhunter
(1986),
Red Dragon
(a 2002 remake of
Manhunter
),
Silence of the Lambs
(1991), and
Hannibal
(2001).

Want to put a damper on the Christmas spirit or pull the cinematic equivalent of an April Fool's joke? Maybe the films in this chapter can be helpful.

PRODUCER
Frank Mancuso Jr.

WRITER
Danilo Bach

DIRECTOR
Fred Walton

STARS
Deborah Foreman (
Muffy/Buffy St. John
), Ken Olandt (
Rob
Ferris
), Pat Barlow (
Clara
), Deborah Goodrich (
Nikki Beshears
), Jay Baker (
Harvey “Hal” Edison
), Griffin O'Neal (
Skip St. John
), Leah King Pinset (
Nan Youngblood
), Amy Steel (
Kit Graham
), Clayton Rohner (
Chaz
Vyshinski
), and Thomas F. Wilson (
Arch Cummings
)

Muffy St. John (Foreman) invites several of her good friends from college to spend the weekend of April 1 partying at her isolated family home. Fun turns to fear when the guests start to fall victim to a murderer.

Why It Sucks

This is such a weird film: a murderer-free murder mystery in which there's no murder and a slasher film that's almost violence free. In fact, the entire movie is a cheat, revealed in a twist ending that pissed off a lot of fans of the genre. Once we know the ending, it becomes obvious that the writers and director have been manipulating the audience and laughing at us for being stupid enough to take them seriously. Ultimately, the joke's on them, since the logic of some scenes collapses once the twist is revealed.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Script Award goes to …
Writer Danilo Bach for a screenplay that almost seems like a fusion of an Agatha Christie — style “cozy” mystery and a slasher flick, but which is undermined by lazily created suspense that in retrospect make no sense.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Director Fred Walton for his inability to smooth over the weak parts in Bach's script. Perversely, he seems to take pleasure in enhancing them.

They Really Said It!

Kit
: Muffy hasn't been in an institution for three years. She's been at Vassar.

Betcha Didn't Know!

Amy Steel also appeared in
Friday the 13th, Part II
. She played the only targeted victim who survived.

Frank Mancuso Jr. produced
Friday the 13th
parts 2 through 7. He also served as executive producer on
Friday the 13th: The Series
for all three seasons.

Trivia Quiz

What critical and box-office failure did Frank Mancuso Jr. produce in 2007?

A:
I Know Who Killed Me

B:
Endangered Species

C:
Limbo

D:
Umbilical

Answer: A.
I Know Who Killed Me
, which cost $12 million to make and took in only $9 million worldwide, was supposed to be a comeback vehicle for Lindsay Lohan. Her performance was an embarrassment, and her career has continued to nose downward.

PRODUCERS
Lawrence Nesis (executive producer), John Dunning, André Link, and Stephen Miller (producers)

WRITERS
John Beaird (script), Stephen Miller (story)

DIRECTOR
George Mihalka

STARS
Paul Kelman (
Jessie “T. J.” Hanniger
), Neil Affleck (
Alex Palmer
), Lori Hallier (
Sarah
), Don Francks (
Chief Jake Newby
), and Peter Cowper (
the Miner/Harry Warden
)

A bunch of young miners and their girlfriends throwing a Valentine's Day party are stalked and killed by a psychotic miner bent on avenging a decades-old tragedy.

Why It Sucks

Want to kill the romantic mood on Valentine's Day? Convince that special someone to cuddle up on the sofa, turn the lights down low, pop open a bottle of champagne, and watch
this
movie with you! Nothing says love like a gasmask-wearing maniac massacring young lovers. There's also the fact that the only reason the story plot holds together is that the police chief in town is dumber than Barney Fife after a lobotomy.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Editing Award goes to …
Whoever butchered the film to ensure an R rating. Several attacks and displays of gore seem truncated, and many edits are so rough they are distracting. The scene where the Miner hoists a victim onto a hook is among the worst.

And the Worst Costume Design goes to …
Whoever came up with the idea for the Miner. As creepy as he looks — dressed in old-fashioned mining gear — his getup does raise the question of how he manages to sneak up on his victims in his clomping work boots and with that light shining on his helmet.

They Really Said It!

Tommy:
Chief, listen to me. You have to go to the mine! We were having a party and Harry Warden started killing everybody!

Betcha Didn't Know

My Bloody Valentine
cost an estimated $2 million to make and earned $5 million during its theatrical run in the United States. Nonetheless, Paramount, the main financial backer, considered the film a financial failure. Shows what you have to do to make a hit!

A 3D remake was released in 2009 as part of the revival of 3D movies.

Trivia Quiz

What was the working title of this film?

A:
Pick Me as Your Valentine

B:
The Secret

C:
Mine, Mine, Mine

D:
Tunnels of Blood