150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (17 page)

Answer: B.
The Secret
. The film was made under a working title to prevent others from stealing the idea of a slasher film that used Valentine's Day as a hook.

PRODUCERS
Joseph E. Levine (executive producer) and Paul L. Jacobson (producer)

WRITERS
Glenville Mareth (script), Paul L. Jacobson (story)

DIRECTOR
Nicholas Webster

STARS
John Call (
Santa Claus
), Leonard Hicks (
Kimar
), Vincent Beck (
Voldar
), Victor Stiles (
Billy
), Donna Conforti (
Betty
), Bill McCutcheon (
Dropo
), Chris Month (
Bomar
), and Pia Zadora (
Girmar
)

When Martians kidnap Santa Claus (Call) and bring him to Mars so that he can give joy and toys to their depressed children, conservative elements in Martian society plot his assassination.

Why It Sucks

Well, the idea
sounded
good to some movie executive: Santa being kidnapped by grumpy, evil Martians who ultimately are converted to goodness by his cheerful kindness and generosity. That's one that even a cynic like me can smile about. However, the execution of that idea in this film … sigh.

The sets are painfully cheap, the script is brain-numbingly stupid, and while I never would have suspected that a movie involving both Santa and Martians could be boring, this movie manages to be just that.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Costuming Award goes to …
Voldar's magnificent mustache, undoubtedly one of the Twelve Wonders of Mars.

And the Worst Family Film Award goes to …
Paul L. Jacobson for producing a film that might fascinate a newborn infant for ten seconds, but is likely to bore anyone over the age of sentience. (And when it comes to younger children, it may well be child abuse to subject them to it.)

They Really Said It!

Voldar:
All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit.

Betcha Didn't Know

Santa Claus is known as
Joulupukki
in Finland (and probably also on Mars).

Lou Harry wrote a novelization of
Santa Clause Conquers the Martians
that was published in hardcover in 2005 and that came with a DVD of the movie bound in.

Trivia Quiz

Which of these actors has not played Santa Claus onscreen?

A: Paul Giamatti

B: Charles Durning

C: Tim Allen

D: Raymond Burr

Answer: D. Raymond Burr, although the
Perry Mason
episode titled “The Case of the Pathetic Patient,” costarred Percy Helton, who was the drunken Santa Claus in the 1947 version of
Miracle on 34th Street.

PRODUCERS
Carl Tostevin (executive producer), Jeff Lieberman, Mickey McDonough, Isen Robbins, and Aimee Schoof (producers)

WRITER
Jeff Lieberman

DIRECTOR
Jeff Lieberman

STARS
Alexander Brickel (
Dougie Whooly
), Amanda Plummer (
Merrill
Whooly
), Katheryn Winnick (
Jenna Whooly
), Stephen Graham (
Alex
Martin
), and Joshua Annex (
Satan Man
)

A masked killer goes on a Halloween killing spree, assisted by Dougie (Brickel), a young boy who is unable to tell reality from his favorite computer game.

Why It Sucks

In this poster child for a weak script,
every
character suffers from Stupid Character Syndrome so that the film can run past half an hour. The character of Dougie has got to be some sort of cinematic milestone in permissive parenting. That kid's inability to distinguish between reality and fantasy is so over the top that he sounds like a young male version of Paula Abdul. Only the way Katheryn Winnick fills out her costume makes it possible to sit through this film.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Script Award goes to …
Jeff Lieberman for creating the character of Dougie. (On the other hand, one has to admire child actor Alexander Brickel, who carries the movie and creates one of cinema's greatest — albeit unintentional — villains.)

And the Worst Actress Award goes to …
Amanda Plummer's twin sister for passing herself off as Amanda Plummer. She doesn't have her sister's acting chops so …. Oh, wait! That
is
Amanda Plummer in this film and
she can
give performances as uninteresting as her portrayal of Dougie's mom. Admittedly it's a nothing role, but she does even less.

They Really Said It!

Jenna Whooly
: That man was Alex's father … and Jesus is Satan! Betcha Didn't Know

Jeff Lieberman wrote the script for children's fantasy film
Neverending Story III
.

Portraying Dougie is so far the only starring role for Alexander Brickel.

Trivia Quiz

Which of the following characters is not a cinematic masked mass-murderer?

A: Leslie Vernon

B: Jason Vorhees

C: Freddy Krueger

D: Michael Myers