A Girl Like Me (17 page)

“Mrs. Jameson, before you hang up, can you tell me if you've seen Ny'eem?”

“Yes, and I did ask the Youth House if you would be able to visit, but they said you had to be eighteen.”

“I know, but when you see him again, can you tell him I love him?”

“Yes, I sure will.”

“Thank you.”

“Good-bye, Elite.”

“Good-bye.” I hung up the phone and no matter how I tried to fight it, tears escaped from my eyes and slid down my cheeks.

I had one more thing I needed to do, though. So I walked to the bus stop and caught the bus to the mall. Once I reached my destination, I was a little hesitant, not knowing what reaction I would get or even what I should expect. But I knew I had to do this, no matter what. I walked into bebe and Thelma was behind the counter.

“Thelma,” I said quietly.

She looked up and I could tell her first instinct was to smile, but then it seemed she quickly changed her mind. “What do you want?” She picked up the security phone. “You're not supposed to be in here!”

“I know, Thelma, and I'm not going to stay long. I only came to apologize.”

“Ha! I hope this is not some cheap ploy to get your job back or have me drop the charges, because it won't work.”

“No,” I shook my head. “No. I'm really sorry. I betrayed your trust and what I did was wrong, so I don't expect either one of those things. But you gave me a chance, and no matter what was going on in my life—or who I wanted to impress—it doesn't excuse what I did.”

She swallowed as I continued, “You are a nice person and an even better manager, and you deserve to be treated with respect. I'm sorry I didn't give you all that I should've. So Thelma, I didn't come to persuade you to do something you don't want to, I simply came to let you know that I know I was wrong.”

She cleared her throat. “Are you done?”

“Yes.”

“Good. You may leave now.”

I gave her a quick wave and left. No matter what, I felt good about what I'd done.

An hour later I was back at Naja's and she, her parents, and Mom-Mom were leaving to go out.

“Elite,” Neecy said, “I was wondering when you were coming back. Are you coming with us?”

“No, I don't think so.”

“Sure?” Naja said. “We're going to see the new Will Smith movie and Mom-Mom said she ain't seen Will and the kids in a long time.”

“Sho' haven't,” Mom-Mom interjected, “and I hope he don't bring that Jada with him or it's gon' be on like pop-pop-popcorn.” She snapped her fingers, threw up a hand sign, and started rappin', “That's why they call me Delicious.”

Oh-kay. I folded my lips. “Awwl, nah, I'll be just fine staying home.”

“All right,” Neecy said. “Well, there's plenty in the kitchen. See you when we get back.”

“Oh, before I forget,” Naja whispered as her parents and Mom-Mom walked toward the car. “Thelma called and said she wouldn't be pressing charges.”

“Really? Who'd she tell that to?”

“Me. I was the one who answered the phone. And after she told me about the charges, she said that she didn't ever want to see our asses again.”

“What?!” I said, excited. “And what did you say?”

“Hmph, I told her that could be arranged because I don't remember her seeing my ass anyway.”

I cracked up laughing. “Bye, Naja, bye.”

“What?”

“Nothing. I'll talk to you later.”

I laughed all the way inside the house and after I stopped laughing so hard I walked toward the kitchen to pop me some popcorn. I had to love 'em, those people. I had to love 'em.

After retrieving the popcorn from the microwave, I noticed it was time for the awards show to start. I flopped on the sofa and clicked on the TV. But—Lil Wayne was with Tierra Marie? I cracked up. Plus, I saw what Jennifer Hudson had on—she was one hot mess!

As the stars continued down the red carpet, I ran in the kitchen and grabbed a cold Pepsi. I thought I heard Haneef's voice drifting from the TV, but I wasn't sure, so when I plopped back down on the couch and saw Chris Brown giving an interview, I knew I'd heard wrong. At least I thought I had, until the camera switched focus and I saw Haneef holding hands with Deidra, walking onto the red carpet. I blinked at least a thousand times; I could've sworn I was seeing wrong.

“Haneef!” a reporter called to him. “Tell us how you feel about your hood Cinderella getting so much bad publicity?”

He grabbed Deidra and pulled her to his chest. “This is my hood Cinderella,” and he kissed her on the lips. “All those things you heard in the papers were rumors. It's only one girl for me.”

I sat there stunned. Suddenly all the air had once again left my body. So in disbelief was I that I grabbed the DVR remote and rewound the TV, only to see what I was hoping I hadn't seen—again.

It was a good thing I promised myself I wouldn't cry, because despite my chest caving in, I didn't have any more tears left.

I wasn't sure how it happened, but somehow the popcorn ended up all over the floor and I sat there too, balled up with my knees to my chest and my head in between, as I felt my heart explode inside my chest cavity.

Track 25

N
o one had ever told me that it would hurt like this. I had learned about everything else in school: math, reading, writing, sociology, economics, politics, sex, STDs…and all the other shit I needed to know, I learned at home with a drug-addicted mother or in the streets. But this—no one ever told me that love pierced your soul…

And it had to be love because I didn't know what the hell else to blame it on.

Haneef and Deidra's pictures were all over the internet and the newspapers. “The New Jay-Z and Beyoncé” were the headlines, and I was dismissed as a rumor, nothing more. Everything we'd shared and all that I'd confided in him had been reduced to shit. I was once again labeled a groupie who had won a radio contest and carried my prize too far. I should've known better than to think I was cut out to be with a superstar anyway. For real-for real, I was better off by myself anyway. In fact, I didn't even want a boyfriend.

I laid in bed, and all the lies I told myself with the hopes of feeling better blew up in my face and turned me into a crumbling fool. I'd gone from fierce, fly, and fabulous to a hot mumbling mess.

I'd been in bed for two days and my phone had been ringing nonstop. I knew it was Haneef, because right after his number stopped showing up, a mysterious number started popping up at all times of the day and night on my caller ID. I would've hoped he had gotten the hint. There was no way I could talk to him or ever be with him again. I'd been rejected, disappointed, and hurt enough in my life. I didn't need more.

“Elite,” Naja said while standing in the bedroom doorway. “Haneef is here to see you.”

“Tell him I said go away.”

“You know what? I started to tell him that when I saw him walk up the stairs. But you know what? No. I'm not going to because you need to talk to him.”

“You know what he did to me, Naja! You know what he did!”

“I know, Elite, and I'm not saying to take him back or be with him—”

“So then what are you saying?”

“I'm saying tell him what you have to say now. Forget later, forget go away and never come back—tell him now, because if he keeps standing in my living room, I might mess around and straight black on him!” And she stormed away.

I stared at the ceiling. My entire life had become too much. Somehow, something had happened and the universe was throwing my whole life out of whack. I got up, slipped on a pair of shorts and a tee, pulled my hair into a ponytail, and walked into the living room.

Haneef's eyes lit up when he saw me. “How you doin'?” I just looked at him. It was the second time, in the very same spot, that somebody who'd hurt me had asked me the same stupid ass question.

I squinted my eyes and looked at him. “You really wanna know how I'm doin'? Do you really?”

“Elite, listen, I need you to understand—”

“You don't need me to understand shit!” I poked him in his chest. “I don't even wanna hear it! All you do is lie. I've asked since the first time we started going together if you were with Deidra, and you said no—”

“It was the truth—”

“Nothing you say is the truth! You played the hell out of me and then you didn't even have the decency to tell me?! You do dirt but then you don't man up to it. I have to turn on the TV and see you standing there holding hands and kissing this chick, and then I'm dismissed as being absolutely nothing. Like garbage. My whole life has been exposed—ruined—”

“Don't blame all of that on me. It is not my fault that you lied—”

“Maybe not, but it is your fault that you lied.”

“Elite, do you know what I risked being with you?”

“Now I was a risk?” I knew he hadn't put his hands on me, but I felt like he'd slapped me across the face.

“Hell, yeah, Elite—”

“Oh, now you calling me Elite—”

“Look, I need you to understand that when you're out there in the limelight, in the public eye, those people who don't know you don't care anything about you. All they care about is what they think. I'm not allowed to be human. I have to be fake—”

“Good, then you and Deidra should make a perfect couple, and you can get out of my face!”

“I'm not with Deidra!”

“I can't tell!”

“Because you're not listening!”

“I don't wanna hear it!”

“Elite—” Neecy walked into the living room and looked Haneef up and down. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry for being so loud.”

“Okay, baby, well let me know if we got something that needs to be handled around here.” And she walked backwards out of the room.

“Haneef, look—”

“Li'l Ma—”

“Save that for Deidra.”

“Would you stop cutting me off—I'm trying to tell you that I love you.”

“And I'm trying to tell you that I don't care. I'm tired of trusting, of letting myself believe that people are true, of feeling that maybe I need to give this one a chance and that one a chance. No—no more chances. You and that sorry ass love you got can go back to Fakeville, where you came from, and I don't ever want to see you again. Ever!” I ran into Naja's room, grabbed the chain Haneef had given me, and threw it at him. He caught it before it fell to the floor.

“Elite—”

“I said leave!”

“Are you serious? You don't want to hear anything I have to say.”

“No, nothing. Now get out.”

Haneef walked over to me and grabbed my hands. I tried to snatch them away but I couldn't fight his grip. “I love you and I will always love you, but if you want me to bounce then I'm out.”

“You do that.”

He kissed me on my forehead. “I hope one day we can work this out.” He kissed each of my eyes and instantly tears fell out. He let go of my hands and I watched him walk out the door, get into his Hummer, and leave.

Track 26

S
chool was finally over and things had totally changed for me. With the exception of Naja, I didn't really say much of anything to anyone, and for the most part all I did was go to school, go to my new job as a cashier at CVS, and back home again. Occasionally I'd visit with my sisters and brothers, but even they had grown extremely distant. I grew tired of telling them to stop talking about their foster home as if that was where they actually lived, and I grew exhausted of giving them instructions on how they better call their foster parents Mr. and Mrs. Not Mom and Dad. And after a while I just got agitated, aggravated, and defeated, so I kept going to the visits because I wanted to see Mica and the twins, but at the same time, the way I felt when the visits ended made me think about not going anymore.

While everyone in school was running around saying their good-byes, I told Naja I was working overtime and would meet her at home later. As I headed to the bus stop, I heard a horn beep and someone call my name. “Elite, over here!”

When I looked up, it was Mrs. Jameson!

“Hey,” she waved. “You got a minute?”

“Yes.”

She pulled to the side of the street and I walked over to her car. “I'm glad I caught up with you.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes.”

“Then why were you looking for me?”

“Because I didn't get a chance to call you yesterday, but if you have time I really would like to do a special visit with you and your family.”

“I would love to see my sisters and brother but I just always feel misplaced and sad when the visits are over.”

“Elite, I know it's hard. It's not easy for any child in this situation but there are families that sometimes need extra help in getting things right and getting life back in order. And your family happened to be one who needed our help.”

“Yeah, but I just feel like everyone looks down on us.”

“Listen, your family is special, and no one in this world is better than anyone else. You don't worry about those other people.”

“But my entire life has been played out in the papers and all over the internet. You had to know who my ex-boyfriend was.”

“Guess what? It doesn't matter to me. You're special and that's all that counts. Now come on, I think you're going to be glad you came to this visit.”

When we arrived at the social service office, the twins and Mica were already there. “Elite!” They ran over and hugged me tightly.

Every time I saw them, I realized how much I missed them. “Oh, I missed you guys so much.”

“Elite, I wanna show you my report card!” Mica screamed. “I got all As!”

“And me, too!” Sydney screamed.

“Well, I got a few Bs but I'm still smart,” Aniyah snapped.

“That's right, Aniyah!” I said. “Because I got some Bs, too. So come on and let's sit down. What's been going on with you guys?”

“Well, did Mrs. Jameson tell you about Mommy?”

I looked at Mrs. Jameson, who was standing near the doorway, and said, “Tell me what about Mommy?”

“That I'm clean now.” My mother walked into the room and I couldn't believe it. She was absolutely beautiful! Her hair was cut into a one-sided bob and dyed honey-blond. She completely filled out a pair of size twelve jeans like she never had before, her skin was flawless, her eyes were clear, and she wasn't high. For the first time in a long time, she wasn't high. She was so pretty that even Mica and the twins were amazed.

“Is anyone going to give me a hug?” The twins and Mica ran to her while I sat there staring in disbelief. “Elite,” she called to me.

I stood up and then I walked over slowly, practically falling in her arms. “You look beautiful! Really beautiful!”

“And I feel even better.”

“Mommy, we missed you soooooo much!” Sydney said.

“And I missed you, too, more than you'll ever know. Now look, I wanna tell you something.” She sat down in a chair and we gathered around her. “I know that I have done some pretty ugly things and none of that has been your fault. It was all mine. I will do my best to do everything I need to do to get you home, okay? Everything.”

“Yes!” the twins and Mica screamed. I was a little more reluctant. I knew better than to think that someone had a magic wand and suddenly a perfect life would appear.

The visit lasted for about an hour and although I was happy to see my mother, I didn't say much to her. After all, it was all new to me. For seventeen years I knew how to handle the mother who stayed high all the time, but it had only been an hour, and I had no idea how to handle the mother who was sober. And I didn't dare dream because all my dreams seemed to blow up in my face.

“Okay, Mica, Aniyah, and Sydney, time to get ready,” Mrs. Jameson said. “Mrs. Wilson is waiting to take you back.”

After the twins and Mica said their good-byes, Mrs. Jameson said, “Give me a moment and I'll drop you two off.” She excused herself from the room.

“I'm glad she left for a minute,” my mother said, I guess in an attempt to make small talk.

“Yeah,” was all I could think to say in response.

“Elite, I know this is all new to you, and I know the last time we saw each other it wasn't pleasant.”

“Ma, I'm just—I'm just scared.”

“I know you are and I'm scared, too, but I'm ready to do what I need to do to get my children home and my family back in order. I know that I have caused you a lot of pain, and when you're ready, I would like it very much if you would work on forgiving me so that we can see how we need to do this mother and daughter thing.”

“I love you, Ma.” I hugged her tightly. “I love you more than you'll ever know!”

“So does that mean you're ready to come home?”

“Yes! Whenever Mrs. Jameson tells me I can go home, I'm there.”

“Well, how's let's say,” Mrs. Jameson said while walking back into the room, “today?”

My mother and I looked at her like she was crazy, and smiles ran across both of our faces. “Today?” we both said.

“Yes. Your mother completed her inpatient program. She's in her outpatient program, and I really don't see why not.”

“Ma, do you want me to come home?”

“Are you kidding me? Of course I do. I couldn't think of anything at this moment that I would want more.”

We hugged tightly and although we rode in a car, I felt like we practically skipped to Naja's. We waved good-bye to Mrs. Jameson and went inside. I held on to my mother's hand like I was a five-year-old kid, and when we walked inside, Naja's dad looked at my mother and said, “Damn.” Neecy slapped him across the back of his head and he said, “Nawl, what I meant to say was Yup-Yup.”

“Anyway,” Neecey said, “Cassie, you look fantastic!”

“Thank you,” my mother said. “I really want to tell you how much I appreciate everything you've done for my daughter. You all took her in and treated her like family when you didn't have to. And I really thank you for that.”

“Elite is a lovely girl. She and Naja have gotten into some things, but she's still a good kid and we love her.” My mother and Neecy hugged and wiped a few tears away. “Okay, now look, I got a buncha stuff on the grill, some ice cold sodas, and some serious music out back. I don't know about you, Cassie, but I partied hard in the eighties, and I got a Salt-n-Pepa mix tape that's cold, feel me?”

We all cracked up and headed to the backyard, where we danced, sang, and ate like crazy. Despite my heart still aching over Haneef, I'm sure that it was the best day of my life.