A Heart Divided (12 page)

“Boy, what a great picnic, Mr. Nick.” Danny wiped his berry-stained mouth on the back of his shirtsleeve. “Miss Emma sure makes the best raspberry cobbler this side of the Rockies. I think I just might marry her when I grow up.”

Nick laughed. “And I think she just might wait around for a boy as fine as you.” His glance scanned the grassy slopes that slid into the mountains. “You know, we really should bring Emma back a present for all the work she did for our picnic. Would you do me a big favor and pick her some flowers? Take Pedro with you.”

Danny jumped to his feet. “Sure thing, Mr. Nick.” He ran over to where Pedro lay leaning against one of the carriage wheels. “Hey, Pedro, come help me get some flowers for Miss Emma!”

Pedro sighed loudly, then slowly climbed to his feet. Sarah had to laugh at the pair as they headed toward the nearest hill, Danny running and leaping while his older companion plodded along far behind.

“I don’t think a walk right after such a big lunch is what Pedro had in mind, Nick,” she said, turning to her companion on the blanket. “Not to mention any wildflowers they’d find this time of year are sure to be dried and spent.”

He propped himself up on his elbows, a sheepish grin on his face. “I guess I’ve been caught red-handed, ma’am. It was the only way I could think of to have a few minutes of privacy with you.”

“Oh?” Sarah cocked her head. “And what’s the big secret you’ve been saving for my ears alone?”

Nick shrugged. “Nothing much, except to thank you for all you’ve done for us.”

Puzzlement filled her. “But I haven’t done anything. On the contrary. All Danny and I have done is take from you and your family since the very first day.”

“Oh, but you’re wrong, Sarah.” Nick’s hand briefly touched hers. “Our house hasn’t been so bright and happy since . . . well, for a long while now. Even Father seems more at ease.”

“I can’t take credit for that.” Sarah laughed. “Your father hardly gives me the time of day. Danny’s responsible for any of your father’s thawing toward us.”

“He’s really not such a bad person, once you get to know him.” Nick hesitated, then, as if deciding it was time to say more, gave a slight nod. “Father was never the same since our mother died bearing Cord, the day after I was shot. It almost destroyed him. He was so mad with grief, he didn’t know who to blame for Mother’s premature labor. And even though he finally remarried, to a kind and loving widow woman with two daughters, I suspect it was mainly to provide Cord and me with a mother, and her two daughters with a father. There wasn’t much else between them but simple courtesy and respect. A true marriage of convenience for the both of them, I reckon.”

“So time and another wife didn’t heal your father’s heart.”

Nick shook his head sadly. “Far from it. And Cord ended up bearing the brunt of our father’s irrational sorrow. It didn’t change much, either, as Cord grew up. Father got to the point where he couldn’t bear to have Cord around him. Both Emma and Father’s second wife, Martha, were given orders to take over Cord’s care and, in the doing, keep him as far away from Father as possible.”

“But how could that be?” Sarah asked, compassion for the boy Cord had been softening her voice. “They lived under the same roof. How could they not help but run into each other, even in a house this big?”

“Well, for one thing, we didn’t build this house for about the first five years, until the ranch started making good money. And Father was gone a lot in those early years, riding the range with his ranch hands, herding cattle, laying barbed wire, and all the other things needed to set up a successful cattle operation.” Nick levered to one elbow. “And when he was home, Father did his level best to ignore Cord. When that didn’t work, he turned on Cord, finding any and every excuse to criticize and humiliate him.

“Unfortunately, Cord seemed just as determined to win Father’s love. He tried everything he could to please him, but the harder he tried, the worse it became. It was so sad, and near to broke the hearts of all of us, my stepmother and sisters included. We all tried to make it up to him. After a while, though, Cord took to pretending it didn’t matter. Yet, to this day, the hurt’s still there. I see it even now, beneath that cold, indifferent mask he always wears around Father.”

Nick glanced down. “I almost wish I hadn’t begged Cord to come back. Ultimately, the ranch may be saved, but what will it have cost Cord in the bargain? He’s already suffered enough to last a lifetime.”

Impulsively, Sarah took his hand. “I’d say you both, in your own ways, have suffered. It helps me understand your brother a little better, though. I’ll try to be more patient with him. If anyone deserves some understanding for his moods, he does!”

Nick chuckled. “Now don’t you go pitying him. That’d sting his pride more than anything I know of. Cord’s one of the strongest, most resilient men I’ve ever met. His leaving here years ago was the best thing he could’ve done. It gave him the chance to rebuild the self-esteem our father tried to destroy. And Cord succeeded. He has a successful law practice in New York City, and I hear he packs a pretty powerful wallop as a former boxer. No, don’t ever pity my brother. Save that for someone who really needs it.”

Sarah laughed. “Oh, I’d never dare pity the likes of Cord Wainwright! If anyone’s gotten more than her fill of his bullheaded pride, I sure have.” She paused, then sighed. “Hearing all that, about how Mr. Wainwright treated Cord as a boy . . . well, I have to admit I like your father even less now than I did before.”

Nick cocked his head. “You really care for my brother, don’t you, Angel?”

Her cheeks warmed. “He’s a good man, that’s all.”

“Well, I’ve always been rather partial to him.”

The memory of Nick’s story of how Cord had sent back all those books flooded Sarah. And that recollection led to yet another.

“That day we first met,” she began, drawn in spite of herself to mention it, “you said that books were your one escape from a reality you could barely endure. Until you found the Lord, I mean.”

“Yes, that’s true. Cord didn’t just buy me tales of history, travel, and high adventure, you know. He also, from time to time, sent me books of a more spiritual nature.” Nick chuckled. “That nearly shocked the socks off me, coming from
my
brother. He was never one to go to church, or even say his bedtime prayers.

“That said, though, I figured he had his reasons for sending me every book he did, so I read them all. And, after a while, I began to find my greatest comfort in the books he sent me about God. In fact, there was one particular book, about a certain holy man, which finally set me on the road back to the Lord. In it, this man said our life’s true work was to keep to the way of Jesus Christ—the way of love. That we must strive to advance in that journey each and every day, and persevere until the end.”

He smiled. “That’s what I endeavored—and still endeavor—to do. To take each day as a gift from God, as an opportunity to grow in love and service to others. Just one day at a time, and no more. And you know something? It worked. Every time I started to look back and mourn all that I could never do, or think of a future that will never be that of a normal man, I’d remind myself that I couldn’t do anything about what was over and done. And I sure couldn’t do anything about what hasn’t even happened. All I had control of was today and, even more importantly, the present moment. And God was in that present moment.”

Nick laughed. “When you think about it like that, you’ve got everything you need, don’t you? God and the wonderful awareness of Him and all He created. And that you’re loved, truly, deeply, and eternally loved.”

Listening to him, Sarah felt a crazy mix of elation and unease. How she wanted to experience what Nick described! Unconditional love, contentment with her life, and happiness to be just where she was and doing what she did at any given moment.

True, there were times when she could put the pain of the past behind her and block out her worries and fears. Hanging up freshly washed laundry on a breezy, sun-kissed day, or savoring a cup of tea while the fragrance of bread baking in the oven filled their small kitchen, was right up there with the soul-stirring sight of a beautiful sunset. All of them swelled her heart so chock-full of joy there wasn’t room for thought of what was to come or what had passed. In moments like those, all you could do was be right where you were, soaking it all in.

But to accept those times as gifts from God? No, Sarah fiercely thought. That wasn’t the God she had come to know.

Since her mother had died, God had been Someone who just took and never gave. He’d taken Danny’s health. He’d taken her father’s happiness, inexorably chipping away at everything, even his sanity. He’d taken Sarah’s peace of mind, leaving her with nearly constant worry over her family and how to take care of them, how to protect them, all the while forcing her into compromises that both confused her and tore at her heart.

The God she knew made life harder and more painful, not easier.

“You don’t believe any of this, do you, Angel?”

Nick’s words, tinged with compassion and a disturbing insight, wrenched Sarah from her troubled thoughts. “What?” She shook her head. “No, it’s not that. It’s just . . . It doesn’t matter. I’m happy to hear you’ve found a way to live your life that gives you peace. It’s a rare gift. A gift most people search for their whole lives and never find.”

“True enough.” He nodded sadly. “And yet that gift is there all the while, right in front of our noses, just waiting to be invited into our hearts and lives.”

He reached over and took her hand. “That’s all you have to do, Sarah. Just invite the Lord back into your heart and life. He wants that, you know. Wants it more than you can ever imagine.”

She pulled her hand free. She’d never meant for this conversation to turn to her. She just wanted to know more about Nick.

Or did she?

“Well, these days, I can’t really say what I want,” she said. “So much has happened of late to turn my world topsy-turvy, it’s all I can muster just to keep my head on straight. But I’m glad for you, Nick. Glad that you turned out the way you are, and that I finally got a chance to know you.”

“Just another one of God’s gifts, wouldn’t you say? A gift to the both of us.”

He looked up at her so earnestly she didn’t have the heart to contradict him. “Maybe,” Sarah replied instead, and glanced away.

They lapsed into a companionable silence then, each content with the other and the moment. A soft breeze caressed their faces before rising beyond them to swirl among the aspens. The bright autumn sunlight glinted off the leaves, sending shivering bursts of yellow-gold color along the meadow and high up into the dark green timberline. It was a peaceful, glorious time, but as with all things of wonder, the moment eventually passed.

“Help me to my wheelchair, would you?” Nick asked, shifting restlessly. “I’ve been lying down long enough. It’s time for a change of position.”

Sarah climbed to her knees to see if she could catch sight of the boys. “Shouldn’t we wait until Pedro gets back? I don’t know if I can manage you by myself.”

He took her hand and pulled himself upright. “Sure you can. It’s not all that hard. Just bring over the wheelchair. Then, if you hold it steady, I can pull myself up into it.”

“Now, that’s a feat I’d like to see.”

“Madam, you’ve no faith in me.” Nick sighed melodramatically. “I’ll have you know I can arm wrestle any man on the ranch, Cord included, and win every time.”

Sarah laughed. “Then I beg pardon for doubting you. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

“We’ll see.” He motioned toward the wheelchair. “Time’s a-wastin’. Let’s get this sideshow on the road, or we’ll still be here at—”

A harsh growl from a nearby stand of aspens cut Nick short. Sarah glanced in the direction he was gazing. A huge bear stood about a hundred feet behind them. Without taking his gaze off the grizzly, Nick reached over and grabbed her hand.

“Listen to me carefully,” he said, his voice low. “There’s a rifle beneath the carriage’s front seat. Can you use one?”

“Y-yes.”

He smiled. “Good, then head on over there—
very
slowly and carefully, before the horse spooks. That grizzly’s not going to wait on us much longer.”

Sarah climbed to her feet and, without a backward glance, started toward the carriage. As sedately as she moved, her action must have angered the bear. She heard him growl again, followed by a loud crashing of shrubbery. A swift glance over her shoulder confirmed what she feared.

He’s going after Nick!
The realization added wings to her feet, yet the distance to the carriage seemed barely to lessen.

She fixed her gaze firmly on the vehicle and didn’t see the protruding root of a long-dead tree. It caught the trailing edge of her skirt, ensnared it, and jerked her to the ground. With a gasp of dismay, Sarah turned to tear the fabric free—and beheld the horrifying scene behind her.

The grizzly was charging Nick, his slavering jaws wide open, his long, deadly fangs gleaming. Nick lay there, defying him with only the small knife from their meal clasped in his hand.

“N-Nick,” Sarah whispered. She scrambled back to her feet and raced toward the carriage.

The rifle. I’ve
got
to get the rifle.

Yet, even as she reached the carriage, Sarah knew it was too late. She’d never be able to kill the bear before it reached Nick.

7

The horse, its head tied to a nearby tree, lurched wildly, throwing the carriage about in a crazed attempt to escape the bear. Sarah leaped into the front seat, groping beneath it for the rifle. For a horrible instant she thought it wasn’t there. Then her fingers touched cold metal.

Even as she flung herself from the carriage, Sarah cocked the rifle. It was still too late. The grizzly was already lowering himself toward Nick. She took aim but before she could pull the trigger, a shot rang out.

The bear jerked convulsively, then jerked again as Sarah’s bullet ripped through him. The animal fell, burying Nick beneath it.

“Nick!”

The rifle still clasped in her hand, she ran to the bear. It lay there, its massive body completely hiding Nick from view. She threw the weapon aside and began frantically to tug at the grizzly.

The animal was fearsomely heavy, but Sarah’s determination fueled her strength. She’d managed to pull the bear half off the unconscious man when the sound of an approaching horse made her pause. She threw a quick glance over her shoulder.

It was Cord, his buckskin sliding to a halt even as he shoved his rifle into its scabbard. He leapt down and ran to her.

“Are you all right?”

“Y-yes,” she managed to stammer, then renewed her tugging at the bear. “H-help me. Nick’s hurt.”

He moved her aside and quickly had his brother free. Nick lay there, his face and shirt bloodied. Cord knelt beside him, but Sarah was swifter.

“Oh, Nick,” she cried as she sank down across from Cord and tenderly stroked his brother’s cheek. “Nick . . .”

The tears, held in abeyance until now, flowed freely. She kept her head, however, and motioned to the canteen lying nearby.

“Give me some water on a napkin so I can sponge his face,” she said, looking up at Cord. “We can’t know the extent of his injuries until he wakens, and we dare not move him until then.”

He was watching her with a scowl, and Sarah momentarily faltered.
Whatever’s the matter with him?
She took the napkin he had dampened with the canteen water and forced herself to gently wipe Nick’s forehead.

“Here,” Cord growled of a sudden. “Let me pour this canteen on him. Your dabbing at his face isn’t going to wake him.”

Before she could protest, the full contents splashed over Nick’s head. It had its desired effect. With a groan, Nick moved. He opened his eyes and looked straight up into hers.

“S-Sarah? A-are you all right?”

She smiled through her tears. “Yes. I’m fine. How are you?”

He moved, then grimaced. “My right arm. I think it’s broken.”

Sarah quickly examined it and found the deformity. “Lie still. We’ll have it splinted in no time.” She turned to Cord. “I need two straight sticks a little longer than his lower arm.”

“I’ll get them.”

He rose and strode off toward the trees, while Sarah busied herself tearing strips from her petticoat.

“Are you sure you’re all right, Angel?”

“I’m fine, Nick.” She managed a wan smile. “Really, I am. I only wish I could’ve gotten to that rifle a little sooner.”

His blue eyes clouded in confusion. “Didn’t you kill the bear?”

“No, Cord shot it first. I think the bear was dead before I could even fire.”

Nick smiled. “That’s my little brother for you. Always shows up when you need him most.”

“Yes, I suppose so . . .” Sarah’s words faded as she noted Cord’s approach. Nick was okay, so why was he so tense and angry looking?

He squatted beside her. “Will these sticks do?”

Sarah nodded. With his help, Nick’s arm was soon splinted.

Almost as if the completion of the task released the pent-up tension, Cord turned on Sarah. “What were you two doing out here with a grizzly running wild? Of all the lamebrained—”

“Hey, hold on now,” Nick interjected. “Why are you getting on Sarah like that? It was my idea for a picnic, not hers.”

“Then why did
you
drag everyone all the way out here?” Cord snarled, now riveting his fury on his brother. “This cozy little get-together almost cost you your life. From here on out, I suggest keeping your romantic interludes closer to home.”

“R-romantic interludes!” Sarah sputtered. “Talk about lamebrained—”

Nick held up his hand to silence her, a devilish glint burning in his eyes as he locked gazes with Cord. “But how could I be romantic with all the people around at the ranch? You know as well as I how difficult that can be, and with an angel like Sarah, I knew I had to move fast.”

Sarah glanced from Nick to Cord, then back to Nick. “Whatever are you two talking about? This was a picnic, pure and simple, and that’s all it was!”

“Nick, you’re a dad-blasted fool,” Cord said, ignoring her as he slid his hands beneath his brother’s shoulders, “and that’s all I have to say on the subject. Your little picnic’s over. It’s time to get you home.”

As she watched Cord drag his brother back to his wheelchair, confusion warred with righteous indignation. She wanted to tell him he was being completely unfair, but caution warned her not to interfere just now between the two men. The extent of Cord’s anger was inappropriate but, as Sarah thought more on it, whenever she was concerned he always seemed to react this way.

Her glance scanned him as he helped Nick up into the wheelchair. To accuse her and Nick of a ‘romantic interlude’! Would she ever begin to understand him?

“Sarah! Mr. Nick!” From the top of the hill, Danny’s voice carried down to them. “What happened?”

Cord frowned when he saw the two boys.

“Sorry to spoil your illusion about our romantic interlude,” Sarah said, unable to resist the small dig. “As you see, we’ve been well chaperoned almost the entire time.”

He shot her a frigid look. “I really don’t care what you do, just as long as you don’t endanger my brother in the process. Do I make myself clear?”

At the stinging slap of his words, Sarah stiffened. She climbed to her feet. “Quite clear,
Mr.
Wainwright.”

“That was uncalled for,” Nick mildly observed as Cord turned the wheelchair around and began pushing it toward the carriage. “As I said before, this picnic was entirely my idea.”

“I don’t want to talk about it!”

“Have it your way then,” Nick said with a shrug, even as a smile tugged at one corner of his mouth. “Have it your way, because it’s not going to last for long.”

Cord watched as Sarah placed Nick’s lunch tray on the table beside him, then moved to uncover his food and carefully cut his meat into bite-sized pieces. From his vantage standing beside the window, he had an unobstructed view as she concentrated on his brother sitting calmly in his wheelchair, his right arm swathed in a sling. It was a rare opportunity, and Cord took advantage of it with the hunger of a man long-starved.

She wore a green and white gingham dress, another altered castoff of Emma’s. The checkered print, combined with the long braid of pale gold hair hanging down her back, gave her a fresh, girlish appearance. The cotton cloth clung to her slim form, accentuating every delightful, feminine curve.

How he wanted Sarah! That realization he’d long since ceased to deny. Yet in spite of the admission, she seemed further from him now than ever before. Seeing the tender smile she gave Nick as she answered some question of his only stirred anew the possessive surge of anger—and pain.

He knew Nick wanted her as well. That certainty had hit him square between the eyes ever since that disastrous picnic a week ago. Knew that he’d lost her before the fight had even begun. And yet, if it’d been any man but his brother . . .

Sarah straightened just then. “Is there anything else I can do for you, Nick?”

“No, Angel.” He patted her hand. “I’m fine for now. But will you come back and visit later?”

Her glance strayed to Cord. “Yes . . . of course I will.”

He met her gaze, hiding his seething emotions behind a flat, inscrutable expression.

She pulled her hand from Nick’s. “I-I must be going.”

Nick’s glance followed her as she hurried from the room. Then he turned back to Cord.

“I think it’s time we had a little talk about Sarah.”

Cord straightened. “Oh, and why’s that?”

“Well, for starters, you’ve been treating her abysmally this past week. And, secondly, why were you so angry at us for going on a picnic?” As Cord opened his mouth to reply, Nick raised a hand. “And don’t tell me it was just because of the bear. I know you better than that, little brother.”

As he struggled with his surging frustration, Cord could feel hot blood suffuse his face. He desperately wanted to talk to someone about his confused feelings for Sarah, but if he told Nick, he feared his brother might step aside from his own quest for her hand. And Cord would never stand in the way of Nick’s happiness, even if it cost him someone as wonderful as Sarah.

He shook his head. “You’ve got this all wrong. The issue here isn’t me, but you and Sarah.” He paused, then forced the words past a strangely dry throat. “I think she’s in love with you.”

Nick stared at him for a long moment, then burst out laughing. “Talk about love not only making you blind but stupid too!” At the dark look Cord sent him, he finally managed to control his mirth. “Now, tell me, how in the world did you come up with that crazy idea?”

“Anyone with eyes can see how upset she was when you got hurt,” Cord replied, barely containing his rising irritation. “Not to mention all the time she spends visiting you every day. What else would you call it?”

“Sisterly affection?”

“Ha! Fat chance!”

“Come on.” Nick motioned to a nearby chair. “Sit down. We need to talk.”

He waited until Cord had settled into the chair. “Listen, I know Sarah cares for me, but only as a sister for a brother. Her feelings for you, however, are an entirely different matter.”

At the incredulous look his brother sent him, Nick expelled a big sigh. “You’d have seen it by now, if you hadn’t gone so far out of your way to keep her at arm’s length the past few weeks. And you’d also, by now, have recognized your feelings for her.”

Vehemently, Cord shook his head. “No. You’re wrong. She barely tolerates my presence.”

“Well, if you didn’t always act like such a boor . . .”

Cord ran a hand raggedly through his hair. “I have my reasons.”

“Yes,” Nick agreed, “and we both know they stem from a fear of opening yourself to further pain and rejection. When are you going to unlock that iron cage around your heart, Cord? Father may have helped you build it, but only you can tear it down.”

You make it sound so simple
, Cord thought.
Like all I have to do is surrender to my feelings, trust my heart, and everything will be better. But it isn’t that simple, or easy.
Life
isn’t that simple or easy
.

“It wouldn’t work, Nick,” he replied instead, glancing out the window. “Be realistic. Sarah and I have nothing in common. Our personalities clash at every turn. And, atop everything else, there’s no place in my life right now for a woman or commitments. You know better than anyone how determined I am to head back to New York just as soon as I get our money problems solved.”

“What a bunch of hogwash!” Nick leaned forward in his wheelchair, his expression intense. “You know something? In your own way, you’re more crippled than I am. But at least my handicap is only of the body. Yours is of the soul, and that’s a far greater tragedy than I’ll
ever
have to endure. Your insides are so twisted with all the years of cruelty Father heaped on you that it’s made you afraid to embrace life. And if you let it go on much longer, all the progress you made when you went away will be for nothing.”