A Heart Divided (13 page)

A fierce light gleamed in Nick’s eyes. “You think you’ve beaten Father, but if you can never allow yourself to love, what have you won? Your life will turn out just as empty as his.”

A dry smile touched Cord’s mouth. “Calm down, big brother. Aren’t you overdramatizing this a bit? It’s not as if I’ve never had a relationship with a woman all these years I’ve been away.”

“No more than you’re being intentionally thickheaded. We’re not talking about the casual relationships, a beautiful woman on your arm when you attended the opera or went to an elegant, high society party. But just tell me. Did any of them really matter to you? Did you let any of them get close?”

Cord’s jaw tightened. Even if Nick was his brother and closest confidante, this was starting to get too personal.

“Look, I don’t need a lecture. I get enough of those from Father to last me a lifetime.”

His brother leaned back in his wheelchair. “I’m sorry. It’s just I get so frustrated seeing you and Sarah always going in opposite directions, when you’re so right for each other. She’d be good for you, Cord.”

“No, Nick,” he choked out the words. “She’d be good for
you
.”

“Always ready to sacrifice for your poor, crippled brother, is that it?” The query was uttered in a voice of bitter calm. “Well, let me tell you one thing. I don’t want or need your charity. You’ve spent your whole life trying to make up for what happened that night. And do you know how that makes me feel? Not only do I have to deal with my own problems, but I’ve got to bear the guilt of ruining your life too. When are you going to let go, live your own life, and let me get on with living mine?”

Cord rose and walked to the window, his emotions chaotic, agonized. “I can’t help it, Nick,” he finally said, his voice husky. “It breaks my heart to see you like this, to know you’ll never be able to experience even half the things I have. At least with Sarah you’d be able to have a little of what any man should have. Don’t you want that?”

“Yes . . . I do. And, the Lord willing, maybe someday I shall. But not with Sarah. She’s already given her heart to you.”

His brother’s assurance plucked at Cord’s heart. Sarah . . . in love with him? With a supreme effort, he rejected such a possibility.

“I don’t know if I believe that.”

“Then why don’t you find out, instead of putting up walls? What do you have to lose? Don’t be a fool like Father and throw away a chance for happiness. His life didn’t have to end when Mother died. Martha was a good woman, and I think in time she actually fell in love with Father.” Nick expelled a sorrowful breath. “For all the good it did her.”

“He didn’t deserve her,” Cord muttered. “And to think she went to the grave never receiving what she wanted most from him.”

“I wonder if any man truly deserves the woman who loves him. A good wife is a blessing from God.”

“Maybe so.” Just then, Sarah walked toward the clothesline with a basket of laundry on her hip. Longing swelled in Cord’s chest.

He turned from the window. “I just don’t know, Nick. I’m not sure I’m capable of giving my heart to a woman. Father’s love for Mother has nearly destroyed him. I don’t know if I’ve got the courage to risk that. I want Sarah, but . . .”

Nick gripped the chair with his good hand, his voice softening as he spoke. “Do you really want to go through life lonely and miserable? Isn’t that a far greater tragedy? It helps to join hearts, to share the journey. Hatred and mistrust can only darken your life, Cord. Why not let someone bring a little light into it? Someone like . . . Sarah.”

“Nick?”

The voice was hesitant but belovedly familiar. He turned, a soft smile on his face. “Yes, Emma?”

She stood there in his doorway, uncertain and flushed. Nick instantly knew she’d been party to his and Cord’s conversation. He calmly returned her gaze. “How much did you hear?”

“Most all of it, I reckon. I passed Sarah in the hall.” She extended the sugar bowl. “I . . . I forgot to put this on your lunch tray, and I know how you love sugar in your tea.”

Nick shrugged. “No matter. You’re aware of everything that goes on in the house anyway, and I’ve never known you to gossip.”

“Well, I do try hard to keep gossiping to a minimum.” Emma walked in and shut the door. “I don’t know if you did the right thing, Nicholas.”

“Oh, and how so?”

“You accused Cord of always sacrificing for you, but you’re just as bad.” She eyed him briefly, then forged on. “Don’t deny it. You’re in love with her too.”

His eyes narrowed. “It doesn’t matter how I feel. When it comes to the heart, to that special bond between a man and a woman, Sarah doesn’t know I exist. She’s in love with Cord as much as he is with her. And their marriage could set into motion a lot of healing between the two families.”

She shook her head. “Well, I don’t know about that. Edmund and Jacob’s hatred still runs pretty deep.”

“All the same,” Nick firmly persisted, “it doesn’t change what’s between Cord and Sarah. I’m not going to muck that up. I’m just trying to move things in the right direction.”

Emma sighed. “I suppose that’s for the best.” She walked over and placed the sugar bowl on his tray. “Eat your lunch before it gets cold.”

She turned toward the door, only to be halted by Nick’s deep voice. “Emma, one thing more.”

A questioning gaze met his. “Yes?”

“My feelings for Sarah. Neither of them is ever to know.”

“Yes, Nicholas.” Emma blinked back tears. “If that’s what you want. Neither of them will ever know.”

A cool wind blew down from the mountains, ruffling the bright yellow aspens clinging to the foothills, driving the fall-dried meadow grasses before it. As Sarah finished pinning the last of the laundry on the line, the clean sheets snapped in the breeze. She stepped back, releasing a contented sigh.

What a glorious day, she thought as her glance scanned the intensely bright blue sky. Overhead, fluffy clouds scudded along. The first frost was imminent any day now, yet Sarah welcomed it as the frigid herald of a pleasant Indian summer so typical in this part of the Rockies. Yes, if they were lucky, winter might still be a good two months away.

As she slowly made her way to the back porch, an impulse to go for a walk swept through her. And why not? All the day’s chores were done, Danny was occupied in lassoing lessons with Cal, and preparations for supper weren’t necessary for at least another hour.

Sarah deposited the basket inside the door and hurried back down the steps. The small brook that ran through the far pasture would be a beautiful spot to visit.

From his bedroom, Cord watched her go. He raised the window to call to Sarah, then thought better of it. What he had to say would be better said in the more remote isolation of the brook. There was no doubt in his mind she was headed there. Emma had mentioned more than once that it was Sarah’s favorite retreat.

His long strides quickly carried him from the house and across the pasture. Nick’s words echoed in his head in rhythm to his steps.

She’s already given her heart to you . . . Do you really want to go through life lonely and miserable? . . . You think you’ve beaten Father, but what have you won?

Is that what it came down to then—the possibility of a life as soul-rotting as his father’s? The thought sickened him. Yet to steal Nick’s chance of happiness with Sarah . . .

Nick’s wrong, dead wrong
, Cord stubbornly told himself.
Sarah doesn’t care for me. How could she after the way I’ve treated her?

Yes, how could she, yet even the possibility sent a shiver of longing through him. If there were even a flicker of feeling for him in her heart, he’d not stop until he’d fanned it into a raging—

With an angry shake of his head, Cord flung the thought aside. He was a selfish fool to think only of himself. Nick was what mattered. And today he’d make certain Sarah knew of his brother’s feelings for her. There’d be another woman for him . . . maybe . . . someday.

He topped the small hill that hid the tree-lined brook from view. His gaze found Sarah seated on a large, flat stone that jutted out over the flowing waters, the wind gently playing with her pale gold hair. The clamor of the rushing waters hid the sound of his approach. Not until his tall form threw a shadow across her did she appear to realize she wasn’t alone.

With a jerk, she wheeled around and glanced up.

Sucking in a startled breath, Sarah’s gaze met Cord’s. The unexpected sight of him turned her bones to jelly. She quickly looked away.

Had her thoughts, so fraught with memories of their recent, heated encounter in Nick’s room, summoned him here? If so, what was she to do? Right about now she couldn’t bear to speak to him, much less be with him.

His arrival, however, had effectively taken the choice from her. And good manners precluded her just ignoring him. With a sigh, Sarah climbed to her feet.

“What do you want?” she demanded, an edge of defiance in her voice.

If he’d noted the lack of welcome, Cord didn’t show it. “I’d think that was pretty obvious,” he said, apparently feeling the need to get right to business. “We have to talk.”

“Oh, really?” Sarah’s hands rose to her hips. “What about? Are you here to now warn me off Nick? Am I not allowed
any
friends at the Wainwright ranch?”

“I’d never come between your and Nick’s friendship.” Some dark, anguished emotion flitted through his eyes. “On the contrary, I’d like to see it deepen.”

“Deepen?” Sarah’s expression mirrored her puzzlement. “What in the world are you talking about?”

“Nick cares for you. Surely you can see that.”

“He’s become a dear friend,” she began slowly, not at all happy with the direction the conversation seemed to be taking. “I’m honored that he cares.”

“In time, he could be much more than that.”

Heat flooded her face. “What are you trying to say, Cord?”

He swallowed hard, the struggle now evident on his face. “I believe . . . I
know
he’d marry you if you’d have him.”

Her mouth dropped open.

“Think about it, Sarah,” Cord hurried on. “Your father isn’t able to afford the kind of care Danny needs and we can give him. And you’ve seen how your brother’s flourished in just the short time he’s been here. We can give both of you the kind of life you’ll otherwise never have. Not to mention the happiness you’ll bring Nick, with the added possibility your marriage to him might bring an end to the feud. A lot of good can come of this for everyone.”