A Heart for Robbie (28 page)

maintain a separate apartment when you could be here with us. I love you, Robbie loves you. Please, Simon.”

Simon’s face lit up like Christmas morning right there in the middle

of July. Maybe fireworks would have been a more appropriate simile but

to say he was excited didn’t quite cover it. At first he didn’t speak. It looked like maybe he couldn’t speak. Then he pulled Julian close for a

bone-crushing hug. In fact, Julian may have heard something pop between

his shoulder blades.

“I love you too, Julian. I love you so much. Both you and Robbie. I

didn’t want to say it because I didn’t want to put more pressure on you. I wanted to wait….”

“For the right time. I know. But I figured this was it.”

“You really want me to move in?”

“Yeah, I do. We can hire someone, because neither of us has the

time or energy to do it right now.”

“It seems like all I have is time now,” Simon said. “It’s not like I

have a job or my kids to go to anymore.”

“We’ll figure that out. Let’s just let things get settled. Okay?”

“Okay.”

162

JP Barnaby

Julian put his head on Simon’s shoulder.

“You really want to tell your parents?” he asked.

“Yeah, let’s invite them for dinner this weekend. If they’re going to

walk away from me, I want to know now.”

“Do you want to invite my parents too?”

“Oh no, I wouldn’t subject your parents to mine. Your mom liked

me when she stopped by after Robbie came home.”

“My mom does like you, and she’s thrilled that I finally found

someone who makes me happy.”

“I’m glad I make you happy, Julian, because you’ve made me

happier than I’ve ever been.”

“Invite them over, but if she gets nasty, I can be very imaginative.”

SIMON CALLED his mother that afternoon, being incredibly vague about

the “person” he’d fallen in love with, but he did entice her with Robbie.

Julian tried not to think about what would happen when she showed

up and saw him instead of some cute little Christian conservative with big breasts and even bigger virtues. He also tried not to think about how finite and limited his son’s heartbeats were. Instead of all the things he didn’t want to think about, he threw himself into his Black Heart book.

Sometimes, while Simon made dinner or watched Robbie, Julian would

close himself in the study with Liam and Clay. He worked in the living

room most of the time to be near Robbie, with Simon next to him reading

a book.

It took Simon all of two days to pack up the contents of his

apartment, after donating the ugly couch he hated and most of his furniture to the youth center that deemed him unworthy. When Julian asked him

about it, he merely said that the kids shouldn’t be punished for stupid

adults. They’d been punished enough. If they could get use out of the stuff he didn’t need anymore, either by consignment or directly, that made him happy. What made Simon happy made Julian happy, so he didn’t argue.

The movers were set to bring the rest of Simon’s things the following

Monday.

Movers were in high demand during the summer months—who

knew?

A Heart for Robbie

163

On Friday, Julian and Simon spent the afternoon moving the

furniture to the far wall in the unused nursery so that the movers could store Simon’s stuff there until they figured out where everything would

go.

“Why didn’t you put your stuff into storage?” Julian asked him as

they put the rocking chair on top of the dresser to make more room. The

crib had been moved into Julian’s room weeks before when Robbie got

too big for the bassinette. Simon had been unnerved at first, so they

decided to make love during the afternoon while Robbie slept in the

portable play yard in the nursery. Julian had tried to reassure him that Robbie would have no idea what he was hearing anyway, but Simon flat

out refused to so much as blow him if the baby were in the room.

“If you mean a storage facility, the whole point of me moving was to

save money. Why would I rent a storage area for stuff I don’t want

anyway? If you mean something like my parents’ garage, I may not have

parents after this weekend. But I have faith in us, Julian. I know this is my first real relationship with a guy, but I cannot imagine what my life would be like without you.” Simon leaned over and kissed Julian slowly.

“I love you.” Julian had no other words to match the faith Simon

showed in them, the comfort it gave him. It meant everything to have

some kind of security when everything else in his life felt like the

definition of chaos.

“I love you too.” Simon put the last box of clothes on top of the

changing table. Julian hated to lose it, even temporarily, but the nursery was the only space large enough in the house to accommodate an

additional fifteen to twenty boxes of stuff until they could get it distributed throughout the house, making it their house. God, he couldn’t wait.

“Any idea what you want for dinner? I thought maybe we could

make pasta, or we have some chicken we could defrost.” Julian turned to

Simon, who watched him thoughtfully, with a small smile around the

bottom lip between his teeth.

“What?”

“I love that.”

“Love what?”

“Deciding what to have for dinner with you, making dinner with

you, hell, even cleaning the bathroom or whatever, I love that.”

164

JP Barnaby

“Great, the bathroom is all yours.” Julian loved it too. He liked the

domesticity of it, the feeling of being a couple instead of just two guys fucking when the mood struck. The leap to involving him more deeply in

Robbie’s life seemed like it was just around the corner. If…. Of course, the huge red IF hung over everything they did. If a heart became available.

If the heart didn’t reject. If he didn’t succumb to an infection.

If he lived.

“I’ll take it,” Simon said with a laugh, bringing him out of his

thoughts. “Hang on. I’ll be right back.” He walked out of the room and

turned toward their bedroom, not his but theirs, but returned almost

immediately. A devilish smile graced his sweet face.

“Checking on Robbie?”

“Yeah, he’s sleeping peacefully,” Simon said as he pushed the door

until only about three inches of space remained. He pushed Julian gently up against the changing table and covered Julian’s lips with his own.

Julian sighed into the kiss.

“God, I love kissing you,” he admitted and felt the corners of

Simon’s mouth turn up under his.

“Then don’t ever stop,” Simon whispered back.

A Heart for Robbie

165

Chapter 17

SIMON PACED the living room, checking the space one more time to

make sure everything was perfect. The fireplace gave the room a warm,

cheerful glow, and Robbie’s play mat sat rolled up in a bin near the closet.

The smell of roasted herbed chicken filled the house, and Julian waited

upstairs with Robbie. Simon couldn’t find a single t left uncrossed or a single i without a dot, but still, his heart slammed against the inside of his chest like a rabid dog trying to escape.

He couldn’t make it stop.

At some point during the next hour, he could lose yet another big

part of his life. He’d already lost his job, moved out of his apartment, and been turned away from a volunteer position working with kids he cared

about. There was little in his life left to lose, just his parents and Julian. He refused to choose between them, and Julian would never force him to do

so. Unfortunately he couldn’t say the same about his mother.

He’d been deliberately vague on the phone about Julian’s gender,

letting his mother come to her own conclusions. If he came out to them

over the phone, it might spare him some grief she’d hurl at him, but he

probably would never see them again. At least this way, he could tell them to their faces.

The mantle clock ticked down the time, like a countdown leading to

the implosion of his life. As he passed the coffee table for the sixth time, he wished Liam or Clay would appear to him like they did with Julian. He could use the company. Maybe they’d tell him how Julian planned to end

the fourth book in the series. Simon was dying to know, and Julian just

wouldn’t tell him until he’d written the last page.

166

JP Barnaby

He’d almost talked himself into going upstairs for reassurance when

a car door slammed outside. He turned midstride and scurried to the

window. His father’s Buick sat in the space right outside the townhouse.

Showtime
.

Simon forced himself to wait until the shadows behind the etched

glass got bigger, and finally, the doorbell rang. He took another breath, and another, each deeper than the last, until he finally found the courage to open the door. His parents stood on the other side, more like normal

human beings and less like fire-breathing dragons than he’d been

expecting. Of course they were just people. He wasn’t eighteen anymore;

he had no reason to fear them.

“Hi, Mom, Dad, come in,” he said, standing back out of the way so

they could cross the threshold into his new life. His mother kissed his

cheek as she passed, leaving a whiff of White Diamonds in her wake as

she always did. She wore a simple summer dress with a sweater to impress her soon-to-be daughter-in-law. Simon hadn’t mentioned marriage, but

he’d never been serious about anyone before, so he guessed she’d have

gotten a hint of his intentions. His father followed, dressed in jeans and a button-down shirt, more upscale than when Simon visited their house. His mother must have nagged him into making an effort.

“This is gorgeous, Simon,” his mother exclaimed as she moved into

the living room and saw the fireplace surrounded by leather-bound books.

The most impressive feature of the living room, it always made Simon feel like he’d moved into a castle instead of a townhouse.

“Thank you, it’s working really well for us.”

“You’ve moved in here with her?” his father asked, the former

police officer showing through his civilian side.

“I’ve moved in here, yes. Most of my stuff is upstairs in an unused

room until we can get it put away.”

“Is she here? I can’t wait to meet her and the baby.” His mother

clasped her hands together in sheer joy.

“There’s something we need to talk about first. Why don’t we sit

down?” Simon indicated the couch for them, while he took Julian’s chair, gathering what strength he could from it. His parents sat side by side on the leather sofa where he and Julian had spent hours in each other’s arms.

A smile crept to his lips at the memory, and his mother smiled back.

A Heart for Robbie

167

“What do you want to talk about?” she asked, obviously ready to

dispense with the small talk and get on to the wedding planning.

“This isn’t going to be easy for you to hear. I’m not even sure where

to start,” Simon admitted and put a hand on the back of his neck. Telling them would be harder than he had anticipated. Now that they sat just feet from him, he couldn’t find the words.

“Whatever it is, Simon, it’s best just to be honest,” his father said.

Simon could have quoted his father in his sleep, he’d heard that sentiment so many times. It’s always best just to be honest worked in theory but not so well in practice. He took a breath and looked toward the bookshelves. It reminded him forcefully of Julian upstairs, waiting to come down and face the wrath of his parents. So brave, he knew exactly what he wanted out of life and went after it with both hands.

Simon squared his shoulders, looked his mother in the eye, and said,

“I’m gay.”

For several long minutes, silence filled the room like fog, heavy and

cloying. His mother stared at him openmouthed, as if he’d just told her

aliens had dropped him on the porch after abducting him for a study on the mating rituals of paper pushers. She grasped the cross, ever present around her neck, pulling on it to the point Simon thought the chain might snap.

“How could you say such a thing?” she shrieked, finally breaking the

oppressive stillness. His father watched him but didn’t speak. Simon

couldn’t decide if that weighed in his favor or not. Summoning an image

of Julian and Robbie in his mind, fortifying the people he fought for in his heart, Simon prepared for battle.

“Because it’s true. It’s always been true. I’ve known since I was old

enough not to be attracted to girls.”

“But you’ve dated women.”

“I’ve dated the women you wanted to try and make you happy. I