A Heart for Robbie (31 page)

“When can I see him?”

“It’s going to be a while. They need to get him settled in and make

sure he’s stabilizing first. This isn’t a minor procedure he’s had. When they let you back, you’ll have to go into the clean room first and scrub.

Then you’ll put on gowns, masks, and gloves before you’ll be allowed into Robbie’s room. He’s going to look a little different when you see him,”

Dr. Dane warned.

“What do you mean?”

“The anesthesia puts everything to sleep, including the organs. Also,

the antirejection medication will interfere with his kidney function. So his body is swelling. When we admitted him, he weighed just over fifteen

pounds. Now I’d say he’s up to seventeen or eighteen, and it may get

worse until his kidneys function again.”

Julian nodded, and Simon wasn’t sure he could speak.

“I don’t… I don’t know what other questions to ask,” Julian admitted.

Simon felt the anxiety vibrating through him.

“What are the next steps?” Simon asked, and Julian squeezed his

hand even as he ran the other through his hair.

“He’s made it through the transplant, but there’s still a long way to

go. We have to keep the heart from rejecting, his kidneys from failing, and any infection from working its way into his body. He’s on a pacemaker

and will stay in a medically induced coma for the next several days.

Maybe even as long as a week, depending on his condition.”

“Thank you, Karl,” Simon said, receiving a harsh look in return.

Apparently, even firing him hadn’t been enough for Karl Dane. That fight could wait for another day. Right then, Julian needed him.

“It’s going to be a few hours before they’ll let you in. We are going

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in case anyone needs us.” Simon looked to Julian’s parents for

confirmation, and they both nodded. “It’s not going to help Robbie if

you’re lying in the bed next to him. You need to stay strong for him. If you want, we can even bring it back up here, but you need to get out of

here for just a little while.”

“I don’t—”

“That wasn’t a request, Julian. Come on.” He tugged on Julian’s

hand, expecting the same resistance physically he’d gotten verbally, but it didn’t come. Instead, Julian fell in step next to Simon as they walked hand in hand toward the elevator. A few people took a second look as they

passed, but not many. One guy skirted around them in the hall, but Simon never let go of Julian’s hand. He was more important than any dumbass

prancing down the hospital hall.

The cafeteria had barely opened when Julian and Simon walked in

through the doors. They picked up cartons of milk and boxes of cereal

without paying much attention to the cartoon characters on the front.

Simon grabbed an apple, an orange, and a few bananas, not knowing what

anyone else would prefer. Then they filled several large cups with coffee and grabbed half a dozen donuts. Julian carried the drinks while Simon

took the food, and they paid quickly at the cashier. It felt good to get away from the oppression of the waiting room, of the expectation and anticipation.

Julian piled creamer and sugars from the condiment organizer onto

the center area of the cup holder and then glanced at Simon.

“Do you want to eat down here or take it back upstairs?”

“I don’t want their coffee to get cold. We can go back,” Simon told

him, reseating one of the bags in the crook of his arm. With the deep

purple marks beneath Julian’s eyes, Simon thought maybe if they sat at a table, Julian may put his head down and go to sleep. Then Simon

reconsidered. He didn’t think Julian would sleep at all until he saw Robbie with his own eyes. Maybe then Simon would be able to talk him into

going to the hotel to catch a few hours.

“I couldn’t have gotten through this without you.”

Simon looked up to see that Julian had stopped and watched him

with an awful, vulnerable expression. His eyes were full of pain and loss, even though he hadn’t lost anything yet, and his pale skin contrasted with the dark circles under his eyes.

“I think you could have, but I’m glad I was here to help.”

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“No, I really don’t think I could have. I love you, Simon. I want

Robbie to get better, and I want for us to go home together when this is over and be a family.”

Simon had no idea what that meant, but since Julian had been

through the wringer in the last twelve hours, he decided not to take it as any kind of proposal. Their relationship had remained solid and stable for the last three months. He had faith they would be okay, especially if

Robbie survived. If he didn’t, Simon didn’t think anything would console Julian, not even him.

They ate in silence in the waiting room, Julian wolfing down Frosted

Flakes and a banana just to appease Simon. He made a show of taking

each bite so that Simon could see, until his father gave him that “you’re being an ass” look and he finished eating without the theatrics.

It took another four hours before a nurse finally came into the

waiting room and told Julian that two people could go back and see

Robbie for a short visit. Julian glanced between Simon and his mother, but Simon shook his head. As much as he missed Robbie, he could wait his

turn. The things Dane had described played over and over in his head, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to see Robbie like that anyway. He didn’t want

to see the baby he’d fallen in love with suffering, even if he weren’t awake to know.

Julian took his mother’s hand, and they walked out of the waiting

room like shell-shocked refugees.

THE NURSE led Julian and his mother down the hall and then turned into

a shorter hall with two doors behind a desk on either side. One of the

women at the desk on the left side of the hall stood and smiled at Julian.

“You must be Mr. Holmes. It’s really nice to meet you. I’m Katie,

and I’ll be taking care of Robbie this shift.” The young nurse had plain purple scrubs and a crooked smile. Her straight blonde hair had been

pulled back off her face into a high ponytail. She was pretty, even without makeup, and her brown eyes were kind.

Julian stepped back and let his mother enter the secondary room in

front of him.

“Okay, you’re going to scrub up in this sink. Make sure to wash

your hands for at least two minutes with this antibacterial soap. Then

there are gowns there.” She indicated a box on the shelf above a yellow

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hazardous waste disposal can. “And there are different sizes of gloves

here and masks right next to them.” She showed them a different shelf

with other medical supplies. Julian washed his hands, donned the gown

and mask, and then grabbed a pair of large gloves. He felt ridiculous in the paper trappings, but he would have done anything they asked to be

able to see Robbie.

He waited, not quite patient but quiet, while his mother put on the

gown, mask, and a small pair of gloves. When they were ready, Katie

opened a door on the far side of the room and went through. Julian and his mother followed. The room had the same characteristics of every other

ICU room Robbie had occupied, except this time, he had the room to

himself. In the middle of the room, hooked up to more machines than

Julian had ever seen, was a little body. The staff had put down the sides of the crib so that it resembled a very tall toddler bed. At first, the sight of the bed scared Julian. Robbie had started to roll up onto his side with the

definite goal of flipping all the way over. Then he realized, in a chemically induced coma, Robbie wouldn’t be moving so much as an inch. He would

be safe in that bed, and they wouldn’t have to put the sides down to get to him in an emergency.

As they got closer, Julian saw other things. The huge, angry rip

down the front of Robbie’s chest, the puffiness in his arms and legs, and the machine that rested on his stomach with wires going in through his

skin. With the swelling, not only in his arms and legs but his face, the child on the bed didn’t even look like Robbie.

“You can get a little closer. Hold his hand. Just don’t touch the

pacemaker on his stomach or the leads,” Katie said, giving Julian a little push toward the bed.

Julian hesitated but then picked up Robbie’s hand. He noticed a

pulse ox sensor wrapped around one of Robbie’s toes as his gaze went

from head to foot trying to believe what he saw. His mother put a

trembling hand on Robbie’s leg.

“How is he?” Julian asked the nurse.

“Well, they’re still concerned about his kidneys. They haven’t

changed or increased his antirejection medication, so that’s good. And so far, there’s no sign of infection.”

Julian closed his eyes in a quick but silent prayer and then thanked

the nurse.

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“You can stay for a little while. We’ll be in and out checking him

and facilitating the tests they still need to do this morning.”

“God, is it still morning?” Julian asked, rubbing one gloved hand

over his son’s hair.

“Yes, for a little while. It’s about eleven. In fact, in about half an

hour or so, they’re going to be in doing a procedure on him. So you and

your family should consider going out for lunch. We have your cell in case anything happens. But there’s a great sushi place just up the block. Or

maybe go home and catch a couple hours—” She cut off abruptly at the

harsh look on Julian’s face.

“Okay, at least get out of the hospital for an hour and go get

something decent to eat. He isn’t going anywhere.”

They stayed until Katie came back in and kicked them out for the

tests they wanted to run. To everyone’s surprise, Julian suggested they

leave the hospital for a little while to get sushi. Paul begged off, saying he needed to head home and sleep for a while, but Simon, Julian, and his

parents piled into Simon’s car, and they drove two blocks to a sushi place Simon said he loved.

And for a while, the world righted itself.

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Chapter 20

SIMON WATCHED Julian toss and turn in their hotel bed after talking

him into a few hours of sleep. They’d stopped by the nurse’s station, and Katie assured them they’d be okay for a few hours. She had Julian’s

number and promised to call if anything changed in Robbie’s condition.

Over Julian’s protests, she agreed with Simon that Julian falling over in the hallway would help no one, least of all Robbie. So in the end, Julian let Simon take him to the car. He followed Simon blindly through checkin and to the room and barely got his clothes and shoes off before face-

planting in the bed.

Four hours later, as afternoon slid carefully into evening, Simon put

a hand on Julian’s arm to try to stop him from shaking. He’d been having troubled dreams for the past half an hour, but Simon thought it best to let him sleep.

He changed his mind when Julian whimpered like a beaten puppy

and tears began to pour from his closed eyes.

“Julian….” Simon gave his shoulder a harsh shake, almost afraid of

waking Julian but wanting to pull him out of whatever hell was happening in his head. It took almost a full minute of shaking, of calling his name, for Julian to sit straight up in bed, frantic and clutching the sheets.

“Simon?” he asked, searching the room for something Simon

couldn’t see. “Robbie?”

“They haven’t called. Robbie is fine. He’s at the hospital recovering

from the transplant. Julian, what’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a

ghost.”

At that, Julian lost the battle with his tears, and a sob tore from his

throat. The sound went right through Simon. He felt it reach in and grab 186

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hold of his own heart. Simon scrambled closer to Julian on the bed,

pulling him across his chest, trying anything to contain the devastation in his cries.

“What? Julian, you’re scaring me.”

“I… I must have been dreaming, but it… it was so… real,” Julian

whispered between heaving breaths. Simon sat them up to push the

remaining vestiges of sleep from Julian’s mind. He didn’t know what

Julian could have seen that would crush him so completely. Robbie’s

condition held steady. It was slowly starting to get better.

“Tell me about it. Maybe that will help.” Simon sat cross-legged in

front of Julian, and after a moment, Julian mimicked his position. They sat with their legs touching, and Julian’s shook against Simon’s skin.

“We were at the hospital. I got the impression that we hadn’t heard