A Heart for Robbie (30 page)

“Hi, honey, how are my favorite boys?”

“Mom.” The fiery lump in his throat grew exponentially, blocking

his voice. He took a breath, let the tears fall, and tried again. “Oh, God, Mom….”

“You’re scaring me, Julian. What’s happened? Is Robbie okay?”

“Mom, they… they found a heart.”

“Oh, my God. Oh, Julian. Are you at the hospital? What’s happening?”

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“Dr. Dane said we have a little time. The donor is still alive, but he

wants us there within the next two hours. Can you and Dad pick us up?

Me, Robbie, and Simon, and go with us?”

“Oh, honey, of course we can.” Away from the receiver, she yelled

for her husband and quickly relayed the content of their conversation.

“Okay, we’re on our way, Julian.”

“Can you call Erin? I need to get things ready here, and I’m already

kind of a basket case.”

“I can do that. Julian, he’s going to be okay now. You know that,

right? God wouldn’t come through against all odds and give him a new

heart just to take him away.”

“I hope so, Mom. But a 70 percent chance of surviving is better than

no chance at all.”

Julian and his mother said their good-byes, and he sat on the couch

staring blankly at the empty fireplace for several long minutes, the shock slamming through him. He had to get up and start getting ready, but right then, he couldn’t move.

“Get up, Julian. Go get your son ready. Pack a bag for you and

Simon. Make a hotel reservation. Come on, you have things to do,” Liam

said. Yes, a bag, a hotel, Robbie. Okay, time to get moving. He crawled

off the couch and shoved the phone in his pocket as he took the stairs two at a time. He needed clothes, toiletries, his laptop, some things for Robbie to keep him calm before surgery. The mental list started to take shape

around the haze of shock and fear.

Liam stayed right next to him, whispering instructions in his ear as

Clay leaned against the wall looking a little ill. Julian definitely

understood that, because he felt a little ill himself. They kept him company for the better part of half an hour when he thought he really would lose his mind. Then the front door opened, and he heard Simon call up the stairs, something about the grocery store not having the kind of pop he wanted.

Julian didn’t want to call down the stairs because he didn’t want to wake Robbie until they were ready to leave, so he continued packing.

After a few minutes, he heard Simon on the stairs.

“Hey, babe, I got you those cookies you like, the ones with the

chocolate….” He stopped midsentence as he reached the doorway and

found Julian frantically packing. Julian turned, and their eyes met.

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“What happened?” Simon asked. “Is Robbie okay?” He looked

around, probably to check on the baby, but Julian put a hand on his arm.

“Dr. Dane called. They found a heart.”

“Oh, my God!”

Julian laughed then, the anxiety and fear clawing its way up through

him until all he could do was laugh. Simon turned alarmed eyes to him,

and in the next instant, held Julian in his arms. The tears started again, and this time he let them come. He let Simon catch him at the end of his

devastating free fall.

“It’s okay, Julian. It’s going to be okay,” Simon repeated in his ear,

over and over, while Julian stood safe in his embrace. The world wouldn’t fly apart while Simon held him. He said it would be okay. Robbie would

be okay. Simon pulled Julian down to sit on the side of the bed.

“What do we have to do?” he asked quietly, taking Julian’s hand in

his.

“I… uhm… clothes, toothbrushes, laptop, hotel…,” Julian recited,

trying to bring that list back up in his mind, the list Liam had helped him formulate. They needed to finish packing and get Robbie ready. His

parents would be there soon.

“My parents are coming,” he whispered. “They’re going to take us to

the hospital.”

“I think that’s a good idea. I’ll drive right behind you.”

“No, I want you with me. Please don’t leave me.” Julian’s voice

broke, and he tried with everything he had to put himself back together.

“I won’t leave you. I think we should have a car there so we can

make emergency runs for things. And how do you think we’ll get to the

hotel? Okay, you sit here. I’ll be right back.”

Simon kissed him on the forehead, a lingering touch that lasted far

longer than any kiss normally would. Then he kissed him again, lightly on the lips, before standing and moving over to the crib in the corner where Robbie slept. Gently, Simon lifted him from the crib. Robbie slept on in his arms while Simon carried him to Julian.

“I was going to wait until we were ready to leave—”

“Don’t wake him up. Just hold him. Keep him close, talk to him. I’ll

get the stuff together. Do we need to take anything for him?”

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“Take his Ernie, the one that lights up and sings ‘Rubber Duckie.’

He likes that, and we may need it before they sedate him. It will keep him calm.” Julian sat on the bed, holding his infant son, stroking the baby’s hair, and trying to find his center.

“Hey, buddy,” he whispered against Robbie’s temple. “We have to

go to the hospital again. I know you hate it there. I do too, but they’re going to make you all better.” Robbie slept on in his arms, oblivious to the chaos around him. Simon packed with silent efficiency into a duffel bag.

Julian watched him add the clothes he had left strewn all over the bed. He added toiletries Julian had made a mental list of but never actually

grabbed. After zipping the bag, he took it downstairs, leaving Julian with Robbie.

Julian sat on the bed for another few minutes, listening to Simon

getting things ready downstairs. He heard the front door open and Simon

greet his parents. Still, he sat on the bed holding his son. Robbie smelled like baby powder and sunshine, reminding him of all the things he loved

about being a father, and his heart really couldn’t take it if this were the last time Robbie came home.

“Julian?”

Julian forced his eyes away from Robbie to glance at the door where

his mother stood. She smiled at him, but he could see the worry in the

lines of her face. He hated that she’d aged five years in the last almost five months.

“How are my boys? Are you ready to go?”

“Where’s Simon?”

“He went to take your things to the car. We tried to talk him into

riding with us, but he wants to have a car there for the two of you. We

don’t know how long his recovery will take.”

“It could take a couple of weeks, and then he’ll have follow-up care

almost constantly for the first year,” Julian said, pulling Robbie higher on his chest. “Hopefully.”

“You can only do as much as you can do, Julian. God will have to

take care of the rest.”

Julian kissed Robbie’s head again and stood up with his son cradled

in his arms.

“We’re ready.”

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THE RIDE to the hospital seemed to take no time at all, and in an even

shorter time, he shook hands with Dr. Karl Dane and they took Robbie in

for his pre-op work.

“They’re about to harvest the heart from the donor. You’ll be able to

spend time with him once he’s admitted and in his room,” Dr. Gupta said

as he shook hands with Julian. He hadn’t seen the transplant surgeon since their initial meeting with the entire team. “They’ll notify us when the heart is in transport, and then we’ll start prepping him for the OR.”

“Where is…. Can I ask about the donor?”

“The donor is a six-month-old girl in New Jersey. It seems she was

properly buckled in her car seat, but the seat wasn’t restrained correctly in the car. She suffered a head injury during the accident. Her heart, lungs, kidneys were all intact.” Dr. Dane handed him a clipboard. “This is a

consent for surgery. I just need for you to look it over and sign it when you get settled in.” Julian took the clipboard and handed it to Simon. Then he kissed his squirming almost five-month-old son and handed him over to the people who would crack open his breastbone and rip out his heart.

God, the parents of that little girl, Julian couldn’t even bring himself to imagine their pain. No warning, no time to say good-bye to her, just one split second in time and she was gone. At least with Robbie, he knew there would be a strong chance he’d lose his son. Then to have to make the

decision for someone to open up their child and pull out heart, lungs,

kidneys, just empty her like a Halloween pumpkin. It made him ache.

Erin’s husband, Paul, joined them in the waiting room while the

team got Robbie ready for surgery. A nurse came out a while later, Julian had lost track of the time, and told them the heart was in the air and the family had about twenty minutes to spend with Robbie before they needed

to take Robbie down. They’d need to start the procedure once the heart

made it from the airport to the hospital. Simon, Julian, and his parents followed the nurse, leaving Paul to look after the little encampment they’d made by pulling together chairs and piling bags around them like sandbags as they waited for the battle for Robbie’s life to start.

Julian pulled Robbie from the hospital crib and snuggled his little

boy. Everyone put a hand on him—his parents, Simon—just to give

themselves comfort. Robbie had no idea what lay ahead of him. He

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couldn’t understand the decisions his father had made for his care. Instead, his face lit up as Simon squeezed Ernie’s hand again and the doll flashed and sang to him.

He was happy.

Sooner than Julian was ready for, the nurses told them they had

about five minutes left. His parents kissed little Robbie’s cheek and

hugged him before they went back with Paul to wait. Simon hugged and

kissed Robbie himself before going to join them, leaving Julian alone with Robbie.

“Okay, buddy, it’s time for me to go. I’m going to be right here

when you wake up, though. I promise. Right here.” Julian swiped at the

tear streaking down his cheek. “They’re going to get you a brand new

heart, and you’re going to be just fine. Daddy loves you so much. I’m

going to make them take very good care of you. All you have to do is

get better.”

He pulled Robbie higher on his chest, tighter in his arms, the tears

flowing freely.

“I love you, Robbie, so very, very much.”

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Chapter 19

SIMON’S HEART broke as he watched Julian pacing the waiting room for

the hundredth time since one of the nurses came to tell them they’d taken Robbie to surgery. He wouldn’t eat. He wouldn’t sleep. He just paced.

Simon’s own edginess took a backseat to Julian’s gut-wrenching fear.

They’d turned the television off hours before because the sound worked

Julian’s nerves. He said he couldn’t stand the noise needling into his spine.

Dr. Dane had put them into one of the private waiting rooms. Simon didn’t dare mention that those rooms were usually reserved for delivering the

most devastating news imaginable to a family.

Instead he stayed out of the way while Julian paced, and waited.

Dr. Gupta told Julian the surgery could take up to eight or even ten

hours. After four hours, Julian waved off the offer for food or a walk

around the hospital. His parents slept side by side in chairs while Paul read on his iPad. After six hours, Julian started pacing and hadn’t stopped. Paul had fallen asleep at some point, using his backpack as a pillow. After

seven hours, Julian began muttering to himself, but as Simon listened, he realized Julian was talking to Liam. Simon watched the sunrise outside the window while Julian and Liam discussed the final epic battle for Clay’s

soul.

“Julian, why don’t we go get something to eat in the cafeteria?”

Simon suggested after Julian started arguing with Liam.

“If you’re hungry, you go. I’m not leaving my son. I can’t even

believe you would ask me that,” Julian snapped. His mother stood, but

Simon waved her off. He hadn’t asked again.

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After nine hours and seventeen minutes, the door to the waiting

room opened, and Dr. Dane came through. Julian, already on his feet,

reached the administrator first.

“How is he?” he asked, his voice trembling. Simon slipped a hand

into Julian’s, trying to stop it from shaking.

“Surgery itself went very well. The new heart is beating, and Robbie

is in a special isolation room in the ICU, recovering. That’s where he’ll be for the duration of his stay. The two biggest risks now are rejection and infection. He is in the isolation room to minimize the chance of infection.”