A Heart Once Broken (18 page)

“Come,” he said again and smiled. “Will this gate open?”

Lydia lifted the leather strap off the post. “You're not much of a farm boy,” she teased.

“No, I'm not,” he admitted.

Lydia closed the gate behind them, and together they walked slowly toward the horses who now lifted their heads to watch the couple approach. The past came into focus again. All those evenings she had spent with Rudy in town. All those times they had gone
to his place for snacks. She had sampled TV programs and movies while seated on the couch in his den.

Rudy's fingers reached for her again, and Lydia held them for a moment. This was a familiar gesture from the past and one she used to enjoy immensely, but now…Lydia dropped Rudy's hand.

“They'll see us from the house,” Lydia whispered.

Rudy seemed to understand, but moments later he asked, “So you would hold my hand otherwise? If no one could see?”

“You ask too many questions,” Lydia said, but her face betrayed her. Streaks of heat ran up her neck. Who would have thought she would feel so comfortable again around Rudy? It was almost as if she had come home…only Rudy wasn't home. He was an
Englisha
man and forbidden to her, and yet resistance seemed too much and too cruel. Here was Rudy—with his warm presence, his beautiful laugh, and his handsome face—as if no time had passed at all.

“I don't know what's wrong with me,” Lydia said into the silence. “I don't know why I'm out here with you in the pasture.”

“Come,” Rudy said once more, his voice gentle. “We'd better get back to the house. I didn't mean to startle you like this.”

Lydia followed him through the gate and across the lawn. This was the first time in a long time she had followed a man's lead. With Ezra, she had always been the one trying to capture his attentions. With Rudy she felt lifted up and held by light hands. Her whole body seemed to drift toward the house. Rudy smiled at her, but he didn't say anything.
This can't go on,
Lydia told herself. She must get out of this situation.

Rudy broke through Lydia's thoughts. “Here we are.”

“Breakfast is waiting,” Lydia said, but she kept her head down so he couldn't see her face. She would cry if she looked at him right now.

Chapter Seventeen

L
ydia tried to smile as the chatter at the breakfast table rose and fell around her. She still couldn't understand how this had happened. Here she was with Rudy again, and at her parents' home. It was an impossible contradiction. Lydia ate slowly and willed the tension to leave her body. If she could get up and help with the food, she'd feel better, but Emma and Rhoda were in charge. They had told her to sit beside Rudy, and they wouldn't even allow
Mamm
to help them. For the past twenty minutes the sisters had made sure that everyone's plate was kept filled with pancakes and eggs. She hadn't known her sisters could be so diligent or plan a meal so well. Only the bacon was in low supply, and
Daett
had the last piece on his plate, though there was plenty of ham left.

Daett
appeared relaxed, as if this was an ordinary event that happened every day. From the look on her face,
Mamm
wasn't too comfortable with Emma and Rhoda's breakfast stunt. She also seemed to have noticed Lydia's discomfort.
Mamm
likely attributed her nervousness to the five young
Englisha
people seated around the table. If
Mamm
only knew that Rudy was the real problem. Thankfully breakfast was almost over, and Rudy hadn't tried to talk to her any
more since they had come into the house. He seemed content to chat with the others, but surely that wouldn't last. Not if she knew Rudy.

Rudy had kept
Daett
relaxed all through the meal with easy conversation. He asked
Daett
, “So what's the weather going to do for the rest of the week, Mr. Troyer?”

Daett
chuckled. “I thought the
Englisha
forecasters had that all figured out.”

Rudy grinned as he helped himself to another pancake. “I don't know about that. I think your cows know better than our meteorologists.”

Daett
roared with laughter. She hadn't seen
Daett
this relaxed since all the financial trouble had broken out.

“These pancakes are something good,” Rudy said to Emma before he turned back to
Daett
. “I suppose our forecasters don't know anything more than farmers do. The weather doesn't exactly follow what men say.”

Daett
looked pleased as he agreed. “That's for sure. Men have taken too much on themselves in this modern age. The Lord is still in charge, and He likes to remind us of that every once in a while.”

Rudy nodded and smiled. The man had charmed
Daett
. If Rudy were Ezra, she had no doubts about what she would do. She would surely open her heart wide. She could almost imagine how that would feel. Abandoning her pursuit of Ezra's attentions would be followed by joy deep in her heart. It had happened before with Rudy when she was in her
rumspringa
. She had lost herself in Rudy's arms and in his kiss that one time. But that was then and this was now.

Lydia pinched herself as her face flamed. The man was seated right beside her, and the memory of his kiss was completely indecent. She must gain control of herself.

Lydia focused on
Daett
's face. Maybe she could find sanity there.
Why did everything conspire to remind her of what could never be? She couldn't love Rudy again. That was crazy, so what made her heart race and her hands turn cold? Rudy was merely a dream born of her
rumspringa
years that was not meant to be.

“Has everyone had enough?” Emma chirped.

A chorus of voices answered. “It was delicious, thank you.”

Rudy added, “And this was a great honor to have breakfast here on Thanksgiving Day, Mr. Troyer. I'd say that's on my list of things I'm thankful for today.”

“We all have much we can be thankful for,”
Daett
said, but his face darkened. “I would not wish to bring up our troubles on Thanksgiving morning.”

Rudy was all attention. “I wasn't aware of recent trouble in your family.”

Rhoda spoke up. “Can we talk of something else?”

Mamm
sat up straight. “Rudy, my sister Edna lost her husband recently but has now remarried. So we both sorrow and rejoice, and we're glad that Emma and Rhoda invited their friends to join us this morning.”

“That's right,”
Daett
said. “We're thankful even in our sorrow. Now, shall we give thanks for the meal? Then the ladies can clean up the kitchen.”

They all bowed their heads as
Daett
led out in a short prayer of thanksgiving.

Rudy said, “Amen,” right along with
Daett
, and
Daett
appeared pleased. What had come over her parents? Rudy was charming, but this didn't seem to explain everything. She would have to ask
Mamm
once everyone was gone.

Rudy had risen to his feet and now suggested, “Why don't we help with the dishes, guys?”

Mamm
gasped. “But no…”

Rudy silenced
Mamm
with an upraised hand. “I've washed dishes for my mother, so I know how. This can be our way of saying thank you for your hospitality.”

“Suits us fine,” Benny and Jimmy said together.

Daett
grinned. “Count me out, but sounds like you men have everything under control. I'm out to the harness shop until the noon company arrives.”

“You have company for noon? And you had us for breakfast?” Rudy sounded horrified.

“Oh, that's okay,”
Mamm
assured him. “The girls will help us get ready, and my sister is bringing some of the food.”

“You shouldn't have done this,” Rudy protested, but
Mamm
had already followed
Daett
into the living room. Lydia could hear their low voices rising and falling as they spoke, but neither of them sounded upset. She wanted to flee to her room upstairs, but that wouldn't be
goot
manners now that
Daett
and
Mamm
had welcomed these visitors into their home.

“Okay, let's get to it!” Emma declared, as she began to run water in the sink.

Lydia cleared her throat and said, “There's no way we can all work in here. Maybe the boys should leave after all.”

“And spoil all the fun?” Rhoda gave Lydia a glare. “We'll make a dish line. That'll work just fine.”

Life wasn't all fun and games, Lydia thought, but she remained silent. What was the use?

Rudy touched Lydia's arm and glanced at the others. “I have a better idea. Why don't Lydia and I step outside? We'll take a walk in the garden or something. We have lots of catching up to do.”

Avery glared at him. “I thought you said you washed dishes. Now you're the one who skips out?”

“Okay, I'll tell you what.” Rudy held his head high. “I'll wash
dishes and Lydia can dry. But once the table is cleared I want all of you out.”

“Dictator,” Avery snapped, but she appeared pleased. Emma and Rhoda absolutely glowed. Not only would they get out of work, but their plan to have Lydia spend time with Rudy had succeeded—and in the most innocent of settings. Even
Mamm
and
Daett
wouldn't complain if Rudy washed dishes with her in the kitchen.

There was a flurry of activity and Lydia fell into a daze by the counter. Emma shoved a dishcloth in her hands, and whispered, “Wake up, silly. He's not going to eat you.”

That wasn't the problem, Lydia thought. The temptation to reevaluate her relationship with Rudy was before her, and this time together wouldn't help.

Near the sink Emma beamed at Rudy. “There you are, handsome. Water's all ready, hot on this side, and rinse water over there, and plenty of it. Soap's even added. Do you think you can handle that?”

Rudy grinned and dipped his hands in the hot water and began washing the first plate carefully. Lydia watched his hands move with slow grace. When he finished with the plate, he dipped it in the rinse water.

“I'll do that.” Lydia reached for the plate and their fingers brushed. Behind Lydia the washroom door slammed as her sisters and their friends left.

Rudy smiled. “You're still as beautiful as ever, Lydia.”

Lydia ignored the comment. “Nothing has changed, you know. We can't continue to see each other. I told you that a long time ago.”

“But we can try again. You want to, don't you?”

Lydia still didn't look at him.

“Don't lie to me, Lydia. Tell me the truth.”

“What difference does it make?” Lydia wiped the second plate dry and kept her gaze away from him.

“Doesn't love always triumph?”

Lydia pressed back a tear. “Would you quit it, Rudy? Do you know how hard this is for me? You know I loved you once, and let's leave it at that.”

“I haven't forgotten.” His hand dripped soapy water as he touched Lydia's arm.

Lydia didn't pull back, but she remained silent.

“Your father seems to approve of me.” Rudy glanced toward the living room. “And I think he's a decent man.”

Lydia jerked her head up to face him. “You know nothing about us, Rudy. Nothing!
Daett
doesn't know about our past, and let's leave it like that. My Aunt Edna is coming soon, and if her new husband finds all of you here, there will be more explanations necessary than
Daett
can ever make. And what I ask myself is this. Why am I in the kitchen with you? That's the biggest question of all.”

“No, it isn't.” Rudy protested and reached for the bacon pan. “Whether you still like me is the biggest question.”

Lydia looked away.

Long moments later Rudy touched Lydia's arm again. The water ran in rivulets across the linoleum floor as his voice pled, “Please, Lydia. There has to be some way. All this time, I haven't forgotten you, and you obviously haven't forgotten me. Don't close your heart to me, Lydia. That's all I ask. As to how this would work, I don't know. But we can figure it out. I want to see you again. I want to talk with you, and I want what we used to have. We belong together, Lydia. I can't help it if we were raised differently. I can't control events that placed our religions worlds apart. But I love you, Lydia. Don't run from me this time. Please.”