A Heart Once Broken (35 page)

“We're telling Rudy everything we heard,” Emma said. “Then maybe he can catch you in town and talk some sense into your head.”

“Fine,” Lydia said. “Tell Rudy what you will, but also ask him if he wants me to meet him somewhere so I can tell him the true story, rather than your mangled version of it.”

Lydia didn't wait for an answer but turned to enter her bedroom. She walked over to the window to look out. She didn't like Deacon Schrock's dictates, but breaking her vows wasn't an option either. She had known for some time that it would come down to this.
Yah
, she must tell Rudy the truth from her own lips. With a groan, Lydia knelt by the window and looked up into the cloudy heavens for a long time, until peace came.

Chapter Thirty-Four

O
n Sunday afternoon, Lydia kept her head down low in the back of the car. Avery Coon had picked her and her sisters up, and together they drove toward Avery's house, where Lydia was to meet Rudy.

Lydia had known all along she could never leave the community, not even for Rudy. But her earlier willingness to see Rudy had sent him the wrong message. That was her fault entirely, and now she must undo the damage…if she could.

Lydia held back the tears as Avery pulled into her parents' driveway. Lydia was
Daett
's daughter at heart—afraid to face things.
Daett
set out on journeys he couldn't complete, but she did not want to be like that.
Daett
had ruined the family's finances and destroyed their reputation in the community. The least she could do would be to tell Rudy the truth and be done with it.

“Here we are,” Avery announced. “And Rudy's already here, I see.”

Of course,
Lydia wanted to say. Rudy was always on time. Rudy was decent and proper and thoughtful. That's why she had loved him once. Lydia wiped her eyes and opened the car door.

“Take courage,” Emma whispered in Lydia's ear as they walked
up to the house. “I heard you stand up to Deacon Schrock the other night. You have it in you.”

Lydia didn't answer as they made their way up the porch steps. Julie was waiting at the open front door.

“Where's Rudy?” Avery asked.

“In the dining room,” Julie said. “We're to leave until Rudy calls us on his cell. He wants some privacy with Lydia.”

Everyone glanced at Lydia, and she lowered her head. “Thanks for bringing me,” Lydia managed before she hurried down the hall, following Julie. Lydia slowed when she saw Rudy waiting for her just beyond the wall. She forced herself to move forward.

Rudy's eyes shone when he looked up. “I knew you would come.”

“
Yah
, I had to,” Lydia said as she reached out to receive his embrace.

Rudy held her for a long moment. He let go to take a seat, then motioned to Lydia with one hand. “Sit. We have to talk.”

“
Yah
. And I suspect you already know what I am going to tell you, don't you?”

Rudy shrugged. “Well, Emma told me all about your brave stand against that deacon of yours, but…”

Lydia nodded. “I'm sorry about all of this. If I've led you on by seeing you again, I regret that. All along I've tried to tell you that I can never be part of your world, even as my own heart betrayed me. I can't keep trying to convince myself we could somehow live happily ever after. That can never be, Rudy.”

Rudy didn't answer at once. He slowly reached over and took both of Lydia's hands in his. “I had to try, Lydia. And we did once love each other. I guess I hoped against hope there might still be a chance for us. Would you rather I had stayed away?”

“No,” Lydia cried. “I don't know. Nothing makes sense right now. When you come out to the farm it's like you blend in with what I
am, but when I get away from home—out in your world—it's not the same. You saw how I reacted on our Christmas lights tour. So no matter what we may have felt in the past or think we feel now, we can never be a couple, Rudy. Not ever. That's what I came to tell you. Not very well, I'm sure…but I so very much hope you understand.”

Rudy reached over to tuck loose strands of hair back under Lydia's
kapp
. “You're beautiful as ever, Lydia. Even through a veil of tears. Do you know that?”

“Hush,” Lydia scolded. “That doesn't help.”

A trace of a smile flitted on Rudy's face. “I'm not sorry that I said it. I meant every word…and more. You know that.”

Lydia stood to her feet. “Don't make this harder than it is. I need to go, Rudy. Good-bye.”

Rudy reached for her hand again. “If we must, then, good-bye. Have a wonderful life, Lydia. I'll never forget you.”

Lydia pulled away. “Nor I you, Rudy. You will find someone who can love you and be fully part of your world. In a way, I'm envious of her…but I'm not her.”

Rudy nodded and reached for his phone. He dialed a number and waited. “I'm ready. Come back.”

Lydia paced the dining room floor. “I so wish you could understand,” she pled.

Rudy looked up at her. “I do understand, Lydia. You're an Amish girl now. Our worlds are different. I regret that it must be that way, but I will let things lie.”

“Thank you,” Lydia whispered as Avery's car pulled into the driveway.

Rudy stood to his feet and walked with Lydia out to the car. Emma rolled down her window and asked, “So, did you get everything straightened out?”

“It's really none of your business,” Lydia answered with a glare.

“It's all fine,” Rudy offered. “As fine as possible.”

Rudy helped Lydia into the car and closed the door.

“So, what happened?” Avery asked after she had backed the car out of the driveway.

“We have things straight now,” Lydia said.

“That's all?” Avery asked. “We don't get the whole story?”

“
Yah
, that's all,” Lydia said. She had no words anyway. How did one explain such a thing? She mourned the past but was happy to be beyond it at the same time.

“Don't try to figure her out,” Emma told Avery. “I've about given up myself.”

“So what now?” Rhoda asked. “Harvey Miller?”

Lydia shook her head but said nothing.

“Lydia wants the boring life of the community, and she can have it,” Emma explained to Avery. “Can you imagine?”

“Be careful,” Rhoda scolded. “She's still our sister, much as she makes bad choices.”

Avery turned into the Troyers' driveway. As Lydia got out, she said, “Thank you, Avery. You've been a big help to me.” Her sisters stayed in the car, and Avery had turned the car around and sped out of the lane by the time Lydia reached the front door.
Mamm
met her with open arms and wrapped Lydia in a hug.

When
Mamm
let go she held Lydia at arm's length. “All of us have loved and lost. It's life, Lydia. You did the right thing. I'm sorry I doubted you these past months, but I thought for sure I had lost my daughter to the world. And that would be worse than death, Lydia. Thank the Lord He has guided your thoughts and led you safely back to us.”

“What is to become of me?” Lydia asked.

“You will fall in love with Harvey,”
Mamm
said, “and Deacon Schrock will be proven right once more.”

Lydia shook her head. “That won't happen, but at least I can be nice to Harvey. He deserves that much.”

“You leave that in the Lord's hands. You'll be okay.”
Mamm
patted Lydia's arm.

But she wouldn't, Lydia knew. She wouldn't be okay for a very long time.

Chapter Thirty-Five

L
ater that evening, Lydia sat beside Sandra on the front bench for the hymn singing. Sandra gave Lydia a sharp sideways glance now that they were seated. In times past, the girls would have chatted all evening about the blessings and trials in their lives, but that was no more. Tonight they had spoken a few words of greeting, but there had been no action that could have been deemed a public display of closeness. Their lost friendship was a pain that stirred deep inside both of them.

Moments later the front door opened, and the line of unmarried men filed in. Amid the shuffle of feet as the men settled in, Lydia leaned over to whisper in Sandra's ear, “You can stop ignoring me now. I'm going home tonight with Harvey. That should make things all right again.”

Sandra gave a little gasp, and several of the men looked their way. Sandra covered her exclamation with a smile as a man hollered out the opening song number from the back of the room.

“Is this really true?” Sandra whispered out of the side of her mouth.

“Don't you see Harvey sitting back there?” Lydia motioned with her head.

Sandra craned her head. Harvey was indeed seated on the back bench. As a widower, his presence at the evening hymn singing wasn't expected, but no one would see the significance if they didn't think twice. But Lydia, and now Sandra, knew the reason Harvey was here.

She whispered in Lydia's ear, “You really did it.”

“Shhh…” Lydia whispered back.

This was almost like old times, when they used to giggle together after Ezra smiled at them. But that was in the past. Ezra wasn't even at the singing, which meant he was with Rosemary, who must have had a rough day.

Lydia blinked and focused on the page of the songbook as the young people's voices rose and fell around them. She noticed Sandra in particular singing with vim and vigor. Her wedding date would be announced soon, if one could judge from the flurry of activity at Aunt Edna's place. Lydia's side of the family had been left out of the planning, but that might change with her actions tonight. Perhaps Sandra would even feel free to invite her to serve as a table waiter…unless Amos objected. But Sandra would have her way and Amos would come around. Maybe not overnight, but Amos would be impressed when he heard that Harvey Miller had taken Lydia home from the hymn singing.

Sandra's face was still glowing when Lydia glanced again in her direction. At least the problem with Rudy was solved once and for all. Rudy must have known all along that their love couldn't be brought back to life. In the troubles of life he had hoped that such a thing was possible—as she also had. But that wasn't possible. And one couldn't make the heart obey on command. Thankfully even Harvey in his simple ways knew that. He had obviously been wise enough not to try his affections on her until Deacon Schrock put on the pressure.

Lydia sighed. They would enjoy the evening together as friends perhaps. After all, Harvey must be lonely. That must be why he had agreed to drive her home tonight. But Harvey surely knew that loneliness wasn't enough to build a relationship upon. He must still pine for his
frau,
Leslie, as Lydia still mourned for having lost Ezra to Rosemary. Lydia might as well be honest about the fact that she and Harvey would be two broken hearts riding home in a buggy tonight.

Lydia tried to focus again as another song was given out. Joyous voices rose all around her, as young voices sang the praises of the Lord. She would try to look happy at least when she climbed in Harvey's buggy later in the evening. The man knew she didn't love him, but then Amos had known Edna didn't love him at first either. The problem was, in her heart of hearts, she still had feelings for Ezra. Still, Rosemary had played fair and square, while Sandra and Lydia had been distracted by their family troubles. Rosemary had earned the right to fall in love with Ezra.