A Little Bit of Us (11 page)

     “You just don’t get it. I was like that because I was so set on the fact I didn’t deserve you. You’re good, kind, sweet, sensitive, I’m a pain in the ass on a good day. The shit I’ve done, the shit I’ve put you through yet you never gave up on me.”

     His eyes fill with hope, “Then don’t give up on me. We’ll go to couples therapy or something. Don’t end it now.”

That’s not a bad idea.

Being subconsciously fickle and in need of a tickle, speak to a shrink to solve your pickle.

     I snort at my inner Libido now a sudden poet, bad timing. James doesn’t look impressed, there’s apparently nothing funny about this situation. I throw my hands to my sides in defeat. “Fine,” I give up. “We’ll go see a couples shrink.”

     “Great,” he beams and relaxes a fraction. “
Let’s go finish eating.”

     Thank god that’s over.
At least my appetite is still intact. Although I’m not necessarily sure that’s a good thing.

     “Take your damn tablet,” James sighs. I close my mouth, scrunch my nose and shake my head. “Do you want a healthy baby?”

     “Fine, dammit,” I swallow the foul tablet
along with a glass of orange. Erg. “Bastard.”

     “What was that?”

     “Nothing,” grumbling under my breath I grab my bag and follow him out of the door. He takes my elbow but I pull it away from him and growl.

     “Someone’s in a foul mood this morning,” yes laugh it up James. That’s fine.

     I’m going to tell you why I’m in a foul mood, it’s because my belly is now a bump. I’m officially five months. Twenty weeks and it sucks. My clothes don’t fit, they’re mostly tailor made and or skintight so I’m having to shop for an entire new wardrobe.

     Another reason I’m so pissed off is because
of the fact Sylvia came round yesterday and started demanding that we set up the nursery and prepare. She wasn’t happy when I threw my credit card at her and said with a fake cheer, “Go nuts!”

     I’m also stressed because today is our first official session with the couple’s therapist. Last week we had an introductory session individually and together and explained our story. The woman seems nice enough
, she’s very pretty and a little young. I don’t even think she’s married, she can’t be older than James though. Of course in one session she summed up my personality, who can’t do that? I’m an open fucking book!

     It’s unfortunately starting to get cold now, and it rains a lot so I’m stuffed i
nto my winter coat with a grey hat, scarf and gloves. James is the same, except it suits him and he’s only wearing a black scarf and gloves. I hate the cold, my nose always goes pink and I look like a child with a hat on. Burr. Although I cannot wait for the snow.

     “Stop stropping and sto
mping,” James chuckles as we enter the cute brownstone building and take our places in a large comfy couch. “This will be fun.”

     I pat my bulging stomach, “Yes, that’s what you said about my pregnancy. So far I have yet to laugh about it.”
Or enjoy it in the slightest, although I have to admit the little kicks the invader gives me are rather comforting. Not that I’ll say that out loud.

     “Doctor Barrett is ready for you now,” The perky receptionist says. We stand and make our way into the room.

     It’s large, it’s beige,
and it has fancy furniture and a multitude of books. Totally uninteresting.

    “Take a seat,” she motions to the couch opposite her own arm chair. I love how she sits, so casual with her legs tucked beneath her and her shoes on the ground. It’s more relaxing, because she’s not as stiff as a board. “So how are we this week?”

     “He’s being a bastard,” she frowns at my language. “Well he is! He’s constantly fawning over me, constantly telling me what I can’t eat, and constantly bothering me about stupid things like my hair care products.”

     She quirks a brow, “And this is bad?”

     “Maybe if she’d read the damn baby books I wouldn’t have to tell her.”

     “Let’s focus on that. Maya, why don’t you want to take joy in the pregnancy? It seems James could use some support.”

     I wave her off with a dismissive hand, “I didn’t want this.”

     “And why is that?”

     James shifts in his seat and responds for me, “Because she enjoys her freedom, she likes drinking and partying.” Yeah, let’s go with that.

     “Hey, I haven’t partied in ages.”

     “I hardly think four months constitutes as ages Maya,” James sighs and looks at the doctor as if to say ‘see what I have to deal with?’

     The doctor raises
her hands, no wedding band, all of these married couples must really put her off. “Let’s take a step back. How are things in your relationship? Let’s tackle this hurdle first.”

     “She won’t talk to me.”

     I roll my eyes, “He won’t stop talking to me.”

     “Why won’t you talk to him Maya?” oh, it’s like that is it? Pick on me? Why not ask him why he won’t shut up about it for five minutes. “What is it you don’t want to talk about? Your feelings maybe? Or are you just scared to rehash the events?” Grunt. “That’s not an answer Maya.”

     “I don’t know. I don’t know how to deal with it.”

     “I spoke to your doctor in LA. She’s filled me in on a few things.”

     James turns to gape at me, yeah, I may have forgotten to mention that to him. “You went to see a shrink in LA?”

     “Details,” I wave him off, I seem to be doing that a lot at the moment. They both look at me, the good doctor is giving me the look a mother gives a child when she’s being naughty and James is glowering at me like I just smashed his mother’s urn.

     “Fine, James, let’s talk about you. Your dad died three years ago. During his time alive he had a few non discreet affairs. Yet your mom stayed. How do you think this impacted your way of growing up?”

     “It made me more sensitive I guess,” he shrugs dismissively his face a blank mask. “It was tough seeing my mom cry, I never wanted to do that to anybody. My dad loved her, he just loved his adventures more.”

     I listen intently as they talk about what James wants from our relationship, how sorry he is. And then comes the question. “Can you not forgive him for what he did?”

     “It’s not that I don’t forgive him, I sort of get why he did what he did, sort of. I just can’t forget.”

     “Your trust is broken.”

     “Yeah I guess. I never even suspected, that’s why it was such a shock. It was like getting hit by a car whilst walking along a path. You think you’re safe and wham,” I bring my hands together
with a clap. “It happens before you can even take a breath. Do you know the stupid thing? I thought he’d bought opera tickets or something. So I’m looking for Madame Butterfly and instead I get madam whore.” Now the words just keep coming. “And then he texts me, constantly and calls me constantly to the point where I feel the need to up and leave my job, my friends my entire life. And then this happened!” I point to my stomach as they both watch me rant. “This, fucking invader. Everything’s fine, I was moving on, then wham, I got hit by a car on another path because he’s suddenly in LA and climbing into bed with me.”

     “You didn’t object!”

     “Of course I didn’t I missed you. I was in a bubble of falseness. There was no real world in LA, it was all soft sands and fun times without the worries of home. You inserted yourself into that bubble.” That does make sense in my head. They both seem to understand. “And now you’re being so nice and so sweet and kind and gentle…”

     “Why is this a bad thing?”
Doctor Barrett asks and leans forward a little.

     “Because I can’t be angry at him when he’s like this.”

     “That’s bad?”

     “Yes, I never got chance to be angry at him. I just walked away in shock and then he started apologizing and being all dramatic and sweet and he kept punishing himself by drinking constantly. I may be a selfish bitch but I’m not a monster. As angry as I was and still am I don’t feel like he deserves to have it rubbed in.”

     She smiles like she’s struck gold and scribbles in her notebook, “You care about him very deeply.” I snort, is it that obvious? “Anger isn’t always the best solution. But sometimes a good screaming match can be good for a relationship. Have you had sex yet?”

     We both shake our heads.

     “Almost, she won’t let me touch her.”

     “I can understand that, nothing about this whole ordeal is solved. She can’t trust you to
not hurt her again. She’s used sex as an indulgence until she met you, where you then made sex about love, you made sex intimate. For her to have sex again and open herself up to you like that she’s going to need to trust you.” Well that certainly makes sense. I’m impressed doc. “Communication is the key in any relationship but I’m afraid when it comes to trust actions speak louder than words and all you can do is dedicate time to it.”

     I glance at James who reaches across to take my hand, “It’s a good thing we have time.”

    
“Let’s go for lunch,” James suggests as we exit the building. I nod and allow him to hold my hand until we reach the car. We drive in a comfortable silence to a nearby coffee house. It’s cute and one I’ve not been to before, definitely not a franchise which is a bonus, I like helping out the little people. “What drink would you like?”

     “Just a water would be great,” I respond and find us a seat in the corner.
I watch the man I love stand at the counter smiling politely at the bus boy, he’s gorgeous that’s for sure. His thick brown hair needs a trim, it’s almost in his eyes and the bottom layer is halfway down his neck, it suits him though. I catch his eyes, he smiles, the amount of love and desire in that one smile melts my cold heart. There is a reason I fell in love with him. I just have to remember what it is.

     The first time me and James met I think I was sixteen, he was twenty. I remember being sat on the counter in the kitchen at my dad’s house. He’d mentioned James, said he’d be a perfect protégé, now I’m wondering if he chose him for me. I think my dad always knew he’d die young. Is that weird? It just makes sense now that I think about it, my dad was always careful about the future. Particularly my future, I think he expected me to end up pregnant or on drugs or something. Even though I got good grades my partying lifestyle started out early and unfortunately never stopped. I still remember how proud he was when I graduated with honors and spent all of my free time in between college and partying, in the lab inventing.

     I was sat on the counter and he stepped in the kitchen behind my father. His eyes met mine as my dad introduced us, he took my hand and held it for a little longer than necessary but I didn’t mind.

    “Get us a drink will you please Maya?” my dad said softly and started talking to James about work. Just before they exited James turned and caught my eye. Any breath I had in my lungs left in a sharp blast as we held each other’s gaze. I thought I was just a dumb kid, but there was definitely a spark there. And then he ignored me for three years, well not ignored as in, if I spoke he wouldn’t talk back. He just didn’t really pay attention to me, sort of like looking straight through me. Although I couldn’t blame him, my dad was forever sending him out to search for me after one of my many failed attempts at sneaking out.

    I’d like to be a romantic and think that for those few seconds he was communicating with me, telling me to wait for him, telling me I was his. But in reality I saw his eyes and five minutes later I was bragging off about the car my daddy just got me
to my friends. Because I was a shallow little fool that spent her life enjoying mindless indulgences.

     “Here,” James smiles and hands me a bottle of water, I take a few big gulps eagerly and thank him. “I’ll be able to take more time away from the office now Vince is trained up and have proper paternity leave.”

     “That’s great news!” And it is, this means I won’t be alone with the baby after two weeks. Paternity leave really isn’t fair.
All men only get two paid weeks off, I personally don’t think this is fair. Aren’t they important in the baby’s life too? Of course it’s different for us because we own the company but this feels like something we will need to change for our many staff. “Summer is coming over one night soon with Marie. I think they’re trying to rope Jessica into coming. They are also bringing magazines full of things for a baby.”

     “Sounds like fun.”

     I give him an incredulous look, “Marie ratted you out. I know you suggested this to Summer.”

     “Well you need to stop avoiding the issue. Fact of the matter is, you are having a baby in four months and we need to prepare.”

     “Then you prepare! I’m fine in my bubble.” He opens his mouth so I shove my fingers in my ears and start ignoring him like a child, even doing the whole. “LA, LA, LA.” Yeah, take that.

     He rolls his eyes and
orders us a couple of pastries. “Let’s just get it over with.” He grabs my hands before I can raise them. “Together, let’s go out order a full set and all of the bits and bobs. Then everyone will stop moaning. You don’t even have to enjoy it.”

     He makes a valid point. I narrow my eyes and nod, “Fine, I’ll help you buy it but you can set it up.”

     “Of course,” he grins like the cat that got the cream. “Let’s go.”

     I blink, “Right now?”

     “Yep, let’s go.”

    
“But…”

     “Now Maya.” He bites out. Oooh, James just got a backbone, that’s kind of sexy. There’s no way I can resist such a demanding tone.

     “Are you going to spank me Mr. Freeman?” I flutter my eyelashes at him. He pinches my hip making me squeal and laugh, we grab our pastries to go and step out onto the street.